Reason to Breathe (50 page)

“You are in so much trouble,” Sara taunted
when we drove to my house to grab my clothes for the weekend.

“Shut up, Sara,” I shot back. “You’re the one
who thought it was such a great idea.”

“You have to tell me every single
detail.”

“Stop it. Nothing’s going to happen,” I
declared, trying to convince myself more than Sara.

Sara accompanied me into my house to help
carry my bag. I thought it was best not to provoke the situation by
using the crutches, so I limped in, trying to creep unnoticed
through the kitchen while the family ate in the dining room.

Carol greeted us with a disturbing smile in
the kitchen.

“Hi Sara,” she beamed. It was nauseating to
witness. “Emma, the nurse called. She wants to make sure you rest
your leg this weekend and continue icing it. So, lie low, okay?”
Her false concern made me cringe.

“Okay,” I said, unable to meet her eyes,
continuing to inch toward my door.

“Chores on Sunday morning, alright?” she sang
in a sickeningly sweet voice. I nodded.

I didn’t know who she was trying to fool. We
knew the monster that dwelled under her façade.

“Good luck with the SAT’s.”

“Thank you,” Sara replied politely. I turned
to escape the bizarre exchange and headed to my room.

We packed silently, the tension thick,
knowing Carol was within earshot. I’m sure she was dying to
overhear me say something about her to Sara, but there was no way I
was going to give her ammunition for her next ambush. I threw
clothes on my bed, and Sara stuffed them into the duffle bag.

I breathed easier when I was back in Sara’s
car.

“She is so strange.”

“I don’t think that’s the right word for
her,” I grumbled.

“Just you and me tonight?” Sara confirmed. I
realized she and I hadn’t had much time alone since Evan’s
return.

“Sounds perfect.”

Sara and I watched a movie and ate pizza. I
let her paint my toes a horrible shade of purple that resembled the
color of my knee. We were in bed early for a Friday night, in
preparation for the SAT’s the next morning.

~~~~~

“Don’t even ask,” I scowled at Evan, entering
the halls after sitting for hours reading questions, writing
essays, and filling in what seemed like a million little circles.
My mind raced through question after question, second guessing and
scrutinizing my responses. My head was spinning, and my stomach was
upside down, knowing my future now rest in another’s hands.

“Okay, I won’t ask you how you think you
did,” Evan promised. “Let’s get something to eat. Everyone’s going
to Frank’s if you want to go.”

“That’s fine,” I agreed.

“How’d you do?” Jill asked with way more
energy than anyone should have after spending hours on tests that
would decide her future. She slid in at the booth across from us,
eagerly awaiting my answer.

I dropped my head in my arms and groaned.

“She doesn’t want to talk about it,” Evan
explained.

“Come on, Emma,” Jill exclaimed, “you of all
people shouldn’t be worried about how you did.”

“It all ran together,” I complained, my voice
muffled since I refused to lift my head. “I don’t remember any of
it. I could have answered anything, and I would have no
recollection of whether it was correct or not. I think I’m going to
throw up.”

“Relax,” Kyle urged. I didn’t realize he was
sitting next to Jill. “It’s over now, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Easy for you to say,” I mumbled, peering up
at him from my defeated position, “you’ve already been accepted to
college.” Evan flashed his amused grin, which didn’t help my
anxiety at all. Knowing my angst was entertaining only made it that
much worse.

“Please don’t tell me you’re going to be in a
bad mood all day?” Evan pleaded as I hobbled on the crutches to his
car.

“I’ll get over it,” I promised with a heavy
sigh. “What are we doing today?”

“Not much. You need to stay off your leg. I
thought we’d play video games or something so you can keep your leg
up.”

“Is that going to drive you crazy?” I asked,
concerned that my immobility was going to bore him.

“No,” he replied with a grin. “I don’t always
have to be doing something. I can just hang out.”

And that’s what we did for the rest of the
afternoon – hung out on the couch above the garage. I watched Evan
play the video games more than I participated. I was too frustrated
with all of the buttons and knobs, unable to catch on to what I had
to press or turn and when. I opted to prop my leg on his lap,
observing his gaming skills while I iced it. It could have been
worse.

“Want to watch a movie?” Evan offered while
we sat in the kitchen, eating one of his creations for dinner.

“You know I’ll fall asleep.”

“I don’t mind,” he smiled.

“Where do you watch movies?” I inquired,
realizing the only televisions I’d seen were in the barn and in his
room.

“My room.”

A sudden streak of panic made me more alert
than I’d been all day. I tried to appear unaffected by his
response, but I was hyperventilating on the inside.

“Do you play the piano?” I asked, trying to
think of something to do besides go to his room.

“A little,” he admitted slowly, not expecting
the question.

“Will you play for me?”

Evan’s cheeks flushed, making me smile. It
was something I didn’t see very often.

“Now you
have to
,” I taunted after
seeing how uncomfortable my request made him.

“I’ll try,” he said with a deep breath.

After we - or I should say, Evan, since he
wouldn’t let me help - cleaned up, I followed him to the piano.
Evan sat on the bench and I scooted in next to him. He looked at me
hesitantly and poised himself to play. I was truly excited to
witness another one of his talents. Before he pressed the keys
under his fingers, he looked at me again and shook his head.

“No, sorry - can’t do it.”

“What?!” I exclaimed disapprovingly. “You
have to.”

“No.” He shook his head again, “I can’t.
Let’s go listen to people who actually know what they’re
doing.”

Without giving me a second to resist, Evan
scooped me up in his arms and headed for the stairs.

“Evan, you really don’t have to carry me.”
Being held sent a rush of color to my cheeks. And knowing that he
was carrying me to his bedroom didn’t help cool them.

“It’ll take too long for you to hop up the
stairs,” he countered.

He nudged the door open with his shoulder and
gently laid me on the bed. I quickly pushed myself up to sit, my
pulse beating a thousand miles a minute. Evan selected a song with
a catchy beat. A distinct voice, singing about being alone with a
girl. He turned down the volume so that we could talk.

“I have to ask you something,” Evan confessed
nervously, sitting next to me on the bed, “and I know you’re not
going to like talking about it.”

I remained still, already not liking it.

“When Sara said that ‘she’s paying attention
again,’ was she right?” After a moment of silence, he added, “And
please don’t lie.”

I looked from his desperate eyes to my lap,
where I dug my fingernails into my thumb.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t
understand her enough to even begin to know what provokes her. But
I’m not worried, and I don’t want you and Sara to be either.”

I met his eyes and pressed my lips into the
slightest smile, trying to comfort him. It didn’t relieve his
troubled expression.

“I was serious about leaving with you.”

I smiled wider.

“You know that, right?” he confirmed again,
more adamantly. “Just tell me, and we’ll leave.”

“It’s not going to come to that,” I assured
him, still smiling at his commitment to rescuing me. “I can get
through this, as long as you promise not to leave again.”

“I promise,” he vowed and leaned in to kiss
me.

I surprised him when I immediately asked a
question after his lips separated from mine, not giving us the
option to get carried away. He asked me to repeat it, obviously not
prepared to talk. I was determined not to give in to the craving. I
was going to be in control… or asleep.

“Emma,” Evan whispered in my ear. My cheeks
tightened as I smiled at the tickling of his fingers along my neck.
“You can stay in here if you want, or you can sleep in the
guestroom.”

My eyes shot open. Evan was looking down at
me as I lay on his chest with my arm casually draped across him. I
sat up and looked around the dark room. The only source of light
was from the television airing a late night talk show.

“Um,” I responded, shaking off the haze of
sleep, “the guestroom is fine.”

“I’ll get your bag and crutches,” he
offered.

“I don’t need the crutches. I think I can put
some weight on it.”

He examined me skeptically.

“Honestly, I think it’s feeling better.”

Evan disappeared down the stairs, after
pointing out a door down the long corridor that led to the
guestroom. In his absence, I limped to the door, slowly putting
more weight on my injured leg. It was still sore but definitely
better.

I opened the door to reveal a delicately
decorated room adorned with several paintings of pink, yellow and
blue flowers. I recognized Vivian’s influence in the white duvet
with pink roses embroidered around the edges. The cream colored
walls brightened the space, in complete contrast to Evan’s dark
room.

“This okay?” Evan confirmed from behind
me.

“Yeah,” I replied, limping over to sit on the
edge of the bed.

Evan set my bag on the floor and
hesitated.

“Um, good night.” I wasn’t sure what I should
have said, but I don’t think that was what he was expecting.

“Oh, yeah. Good night.” He gave me a quick
peck on the lips and walked out the door.

I collapsed onto my back with my arms spread
beside me, releasing an aching sigh. I did the right thing, right?
I
should
be sleeping in here, not in his room. After
prepping for bed in the private bathroom, I slipped under the
world’s softest sheets and shut off the lamp on the white pedestal
table.

Eyes, please close.

Willing myself to sleep was not working. I
stared into the dark, fighting the desire to go to him. The beating
in my chest was loud and steady – I could feel it in my throat. I
needed to fall asleep - or at least turn over so I wasn’t staring
at the door any longer.

“Em? You awake?” Evan whispered. I couldn’t
help but smile when I turned over to find his head peering through
the crack of the door.

He smiled back. “Knowing you were right down
the hall was way too hard. I couldn’t do it,” Evan declared,
sliding under the covers next to me. “Hi.”

“Hi.” I smiled wider.

“How’s your knee?” he asked with his head on
the pillow next to mine.

“You did not come in here to ask me about my
knee,” I accused.

He shook his head with a smirk and pulled me
toward him. Although his lips were familiar to me, I still lost my
breath when we connected. I became entranced by their slow soft
passes over mine. My mouth parted to his advances with a soft
breath. His hands slipped under my tank top, along my back. He
stirred a warm tingling within me when he delicately traced his
fingers along my stomach. I released a quick breath and pulled him
closer - then winced as my knee hit his.

“Are you okay?” he questioned, pulling away –
too far away.

“I’m okay,” I whispered. He didn’t move. “I
promise - I’m fine.”

Reluctantly, Evan moved closer until we were
touching again. I kept my right leg on the bed behind my left, to
protect us from another painful interruption. I was easily lost in
his warmth again. I slid my hands under his shirt, running my
fingers along the smooth curves of his chest and down to his waist.
He inhaled quickly. He reached around and pulled his shirt over his
head. My heart stopped. I breathlessly observed the silhouette of
his defined, lean muscles in the dark and bit my lip. He leaned in
to drag his parted lips along my neck.

When I thought we’d stop, we didn’t. There
wasn’t a warning in my head urging me to slow down. All I could
hear was our quick breaths. All I could feel was his touch on my
heated skin. My head spun, and my pulse quickened; eventually
releasing a moan I didn’t know I had in my depths. Our discovery of
each other left my chest rising with long, drawn breaths. There
wasn’t a quick retreat but a slow and gradual withdrawal as his
arms settled around my waist, and I nuzzled into his neck, brushing
it softly with my lips.

“How’s your knee?” he whispered, kissing the
top of my head.

I’d completely forgotten about my knee, but
now I recognized the throbbing that kept pace with my heart.

“I’ll be okay,” I assured him.

“I’m going to get you some ice,” he insisted,
moving away from me. I instantly missed the warmth of his body,
watching him slide his shirt over his head to conceal his defined
lines before stepping out the door.

I lay on my back, awaiting his return. My
eyes were slowly blinking closed when I heard the distinct rattling
of ice. Evan slid his pillow under my knee before setting the bag
of ice on it.

“I’m going to my room, so I don’t bang your
knee while you’re sleeping,” he stated, easing the down comforter
over me before kissing my forehead. “Good night.”

“Good night,” I murmured with a delicate
grin, already drifting to sleep. I knew in that moment, I would
never love anyone in my life the way I loved Evan Mathews.

34.
Paying Attention

“What did you do?” Sara exclaimed much
louder than necessary when we drove away from Evan’s the next
morning. “And don’t you dare say ‘nothing’, because you are
glowing.”