Reason to Breathe (46 page)

“That’s it?” Casey asked, still not
understanding what was going on.

“What do you mean?” I asked innocently.

Lauren moaned in frustration. “I wanted to
hear how he swept you in his arms, begging for you to take him
back, and kissed you for hours.” Her dramatization caused us all to
burst out laughing.

“Sorry,” I shrugged, still smiling. “It’s not
going to happen.”

“Does he know about Drew?” Jill cringed.

“Yeah,” I said quietly.

“Does he know
everything
?” Casey asked
in shock. I rolled my eyes knowing exactly what she meant.

“Casey!” Sara exclaimed swatting at her arm.
“You really suck with keeping up. That never happened!”

“Oh,” Casey said apologetically.

“Just to warn you, he’s here,” Lauren said.
“And he’s not with Katie. They broke up Thursday night. ”

“That’s fine,” I shrugged, not really
concerned with seeing Drew with or without Katie.

“They broke up already?” Sara gasped.

“Definitely,” Jill murmured under her breath.
She looked around, realizing she was overheard and we were all
waiting for her to continue.

“Jill, don’t you dare hold out,” Sara
threatened.

“You have to promise not to tell
anyone
,” Jill stressed, then continued without waiting for
our commitment. “Drew got Katie pregnant.”

“No he didn’t,” Lauren stated in wide eyed
shock.

“Well, she’s not anymore,” Jill continued,
loving that she was the one revealing the headlining gossip.

“Did she…” Sara started, but Jill shrugged
before she could ask.

“Not sure what happened exactly. Either she
lost it or her parents made her get rid of it,” Jill explained
dismissively, not really concerned with the truth. “But I think
Drew just dated her because she was pregnant and broke up with her
when he didn’t have to deal with it anymore.”

“Wait,” I interjected pensively. “When did
she get pregnant?”

The girls turned toward me with sympathetic
eyes – wondering the same thing I was.

“Not while you were together,” Jill offered.
“I guess they hooked up over the holiday break before you were
official
.”

“I can’t believe she was pregnant,” Casey
mouthed again, still absorbing the news.

I felt bad for Katie, and the fact that we
were standing in the backyard at a party talking about her most
intimate secret made me feel guilty.

I wandered away from the conversation, not
wanting to hear anymore. I scanned the crowd along the deck,
looking for Evan. I saw him at the top of the stairs searching the
faces below in the yard. Our eyes connected, and he grinned, making
me smile in return.

“Hi,” he greeted with a crooked smile when he
approached. “I figured you wouldn’t want to stay inside.”

I shook my head, taking the bottle he handed
me. He set his hand on my lower back, escorting me back to the
girls. With the exception of Sara, they all looked at us, with
ridiculous gawking grins. I rolled my eyes.

“Hi, Evan,” Jill sang. “Welcome back.” Lauren
and Casey giggled.

“Thanks,” he said politely, giving me
quizzical glance. I just shook my head and sighed.

Our small group stayed outside and talked
about the latest gossip, usually inspired by the people passing by.
Evan and I stood there quietly, his arm around my waist, forced to
listen. There would be a periodic interruption when someone
recognized Evan and would ask about his return.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” I told the girls
while Evan was talking to a guy from the soccer team.

“I’ll go with you,” Sara offered, grabbing me
by the arm.

“This party isn’t so bad,” Sara said in my
ear as we climbed the stairs to the deck. I shrugged, agreeing
reluctantly.

We made our way through the kitchen and found
the line for the bathroom.

“I hope you don’t have to go that bad,” Sara
said, eyeing the wait.

“I can wait,” I assured her, leaning against
the wall.

“Tony Sharpa asked me out,” Sara confessed
casually.

“When did this happen?” I asked, trying to
recall how long she was in here before Evan and I found her.

“Yesterday, during study.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” I asked in
astonishment.

“It wasn’t that important,” she laughed. “Not
with Evan coming back and everything. Besides, I said ‘no’. He’s
the games
I was referring to earlier.”

“Yeah, didn’t you like him when he was dating
Niki, and then he liked you when you were with Jason?”

She nodded, recalling the bad timing of their
interest in one another.

“So, what’s wrong now? You’re both single
finally,” I questioned, confused.

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “It feels forced
now.”

I didn’t understand what she meant, and
before I could ask her to explain, we were interrupted.

“I heard you were here,” the voice said from
behind me. My heart stopped and my stomach turned. I stood frozen,
unable to turn around.

Before I could pull myself together to face
him, Drew appeared beside me, leaning his shoulder against the
wall. My nose scrunched with the burn of liquor floating on his
breath. It appeared he needed the wall to keep from falling to the
floor.

“Had a little to drink, Drew?” Sara
accused.

“Hi, Sara,” Drew slurred with a smile. “You
didn’t like me, did you?”

Sara smiled, amused by his drunken
honesty.

“Still don’t,” Sara replied with a malicious
grin. “Maybe you should leave us alone.”

We were gaining an audience. Everyone around
us quieted to listen. I glanced around, wondering how to get out of
this without causing a scene.

“Come with me.” Drew tightly gripped my wrist
and dragged me stumbling after him into the bathroom, pushing past
the person who was about to enter. Sara reached out to grab me, but
the crowd closed in around Drew and me, barricading Sara as we
moved past them.

He forced me ahead of him and shut the door
behind us, locking it.

“Drew,” Sara banged on the other side of the
door. “Let her out.”

“Leave us the fuck alone, Sara,” Drew yelled
back, agitated.

I scanned the large white bathroom, looking
for another way out. Drew turned and leaned his back against the
door, ignoring Sara’s banging.

“What do you want Drew?” I confronted coolly,
despite the tremors that were overtaking me.

“Just wanted to talk to you,” he jumbled,
taking a step toward me. I backed away from him, dragging my feet
along the tile.

“Go ahead, talk.”

“Don’t be like that.” He reached for me,
trying to take my hand. I pulled it out of reach. The music stopped
abruptly while more voices banged on the door, yelling for Drew to
open it. It didn’t seem to faze him as he slowly approached me. I
ran out of tiles beneath my feet, my back bumping into the
wall.

“I just wanted you to know that I forgive
you.” He dragged his hand along my cheek, snagging a few strands of
hair with it. A cloud of liquor floated from his parted lips as he
continued, “You don’t have to be with him just to get back at
me.”

I was confused by his words and tried to look
him in the eye. Except he couldn’t focus on anything - his eyes
twitched in a drunken dance.

“I’ll take you back,” he muttered, leaning
down toward me. I turned my head - his wet mouth press against my
cheek.

The weight of his body pressed against me as
he trailed his tongue along my neck. I pushed against him, but I
was his wall now, holding him up. He held me to him, ignorant of my
squirming. He groped my breast while grinding into me.

“Drew, stop!” I yelled, pushing him back with
all I could. He held tighter, aggressively pawing at me like we
were in some impassioned exchange.

There was a crash of splintering wood as the
door burst open. Drew was pulled from me, and all I could see were
faces, staring. There were a group of guys struggling to get in. I
thought I saw a glimpse of Evan in the twist of arms and hands
before Sara grabbed my arm, and we rushed through the gawking
mob.

Scuffling could be heard behind us with girls
screaming and guys swearing. I tried to look over my shoulder
before we were out the front door. I could only see bodies pushing
in a frantic wave, some to get away, while others were trying to
move closer.

Not long after we reached the car, Evan
caught up with us. He was breathing heavily and his shirt was
crumpled. He pulled me toward him and held me. I tried not to
reveal how shaken up I was, but the tears slid down my cheeks
anyway.

I swiped them away before I pulled back from
him. I looked up at his face. It was still flushed. Sara was
standing to the side, quietly watching. “I’m okay,” I assured him.
“He was just really drunk. He didn’t mean it.”

“Don’t,” Evan stopped me. “Don’t make excuses
for him. I can’t…”

He took a calming breath.

“Let’s just go,” he urged.

People were still staring at us from the
front steps when we got into the car. The party inside resumed,
with the music turned up again and the volume of voices steadily
increasing. Evan took my hand in silence as we drove away.

31.
Noticed

I begged
the week to go by quickly or for someone to do something more
catastrophic and humiliating so Evan, Drew and I would be dropped
from the headlines. Then Katie returned to school, and I wished I
hadn’t thought that. Everyone stared, whispered and pointed,
avoiding her like she carried a contagion.

I knew pity wasn’t what she needed, but I
didn’t know what else to offer. If
my
secret were released
to the masses, I’d want to drop off the planet. So, whether it was
the right decision or not, I left her alone. I didn’t avoid her,
but I didn’t go out of my way to make her feel better either. My
ambivalence could’ve been considered cowardice. Yes, it probably
was. I found Katie crying in the girls’ room on Friday, and slipped
out before she knew I was there.

“Things are going to change around here,” the
foreboding voice yanked me back from my thoughts.

I stood in the hallway motionless, with my
backpack over my shoulder and duffle bag in my hand. I had just
returned from my weekend in New York with Evan and Sara. Carol met
me with a hardened glare. I hadn’t heard her hateful voice in so
long; I’d forgotten how debilitating it could be.

“No more Friday nights at the McKinley’s. You
got away with it for too long and sleazed out of your
responsibilities too often. You’re not getting away with your shit
anymore. You
should
be shoved in a box, but…”

My pulse quickened in anticipation of what
she’d say next.

“…your uncle seems to think it would help
with the tension in the house if we had one day to ourselves. It’s
not worth arguing over.
You
are never worth arguing over.
So, tell Sara she can pick you up at noon on Saturday’s, however
you will be in this house by nine o’clock on Sunday morning.

“But, not this weekend. You’re staying here
to rake my backyard and my mother’s on Sunday. Speaking of
Sundays…”

Please don’t say it.

“… you’ll only be allowed to go to the
library, nowhere else. If I find out that you’re anywhere other
than where you say you are, you
will
be living in a box
until you graduate.” My stomach twisted. I remained frozen, hoping
she’d slither away without leaving a mark. Not so lucky.

“Am I making myself clear?” she growled,
grabbing my ear, making me twist my head to follow the tugging.

“Yes,” I whimpered, straining my neck.

I stood in the hall with my hand over my
throbbing ear, watching my freedom disappear with her. I threw my
bags on my bed upon entering my room and began pacing furiously.
Why was she doing this to me? Why couldn’t she have left me alone
like she had for the past three months? What was the sudden
interest in where I was? She hated me. Why would she want me
home?

My chest tightened as I fumed at the thought
of having to be with her all weekend. And knowing that I wasn’t
going to see Evan this weekend was more upsetting than spending it
with
her
. Well… maybe not.

Unbeknownst to me, Evan and Sara decided to
split my pickups and drop offs, so I wasn’t expecting to see his
BMW waiting for me when I walked down the driveway on Monday
morning. But I was too distracted by next weekend’s impending doom
to be as thrilled as I should’ve been.

“Good morning,” he greeted warmly when I
closed the door.

“Hi,” I responded, unable to smile in
return.

“Are you ever in a good mood in the
morning?”

“What?” His question distracted me from my
brooding thoughts. “Oh, sorry. I’m just angry with my aunt right
now.”

“What happened?” His voice was heavy with
concern, more than it needed to be.

“Nothing that bad,” I assured, trying to put
him at ease. “She’s making me stay home this weekend, and I’m
pissed. Sorry; I don’t mean to be miserable.”

“Are you going to the library on Sunday?”

“No, I’m going to her mother’s to rake her
yard,” I grumbled.

“So…” he said without needing to say any
more.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’m trying to figure out
when we’ll be able to see each other.”

“There’s always next weekend,” he
consoled.

“You’re giving up that easy?” I shot back,
questioning his resolve.

“No,” Evan replied with a light laugh. “But
what other choice do we have, besides you sneaking out of your
house?”

A flash of cold nerves streaked through my
stomach at the thought of trying to climb out of my window without
being heard. But then I was overcome with a spike of adrenaline.
Could I really do this?