Reason to Breathe (23 page)

“Yeah, I was completely surprised and still
haven’t figured out why - but he did. So I kinda agreed.”

Evan let out a short laugh. “You don’t know
why Jake asked you to the party? Does he know that you want to
bring me with you?”

“He said I could bring whomever I wanted.” I
wasn’t following along and didn’t understand why Evan found this so
intriguing.

“Okay, we’re going to Jake Masters’ party,”
he finally conceded. “Have you heard about his parties?”

“No. Why?” By the tone of his question, I
wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“They tend to be pretty… exclusive,” he
explained. “I’ve been to one of them.”

“Was it horrible?” I asked, when he didn’t
say more. I wanted to know what I was about to walk into.

“No,” he said dismissively. Then he must have
realized he was freaking me out and added, “It’ll be fine. Don’t
worry.”

Sara had a much more excited reaction than
Evan when I told her. She had also heard about the handpicked guest
list of Jake’s parties and was thrilled to finally get to see what
they were all about. I was surprised to learn she’d never been to
one before. I told her to bring Jason, which I think she had
already planned to.

When Friday arrived, I was a bundle of
nerves. All I could think about was the game that night. The Weslyn
girls’ soccer team had always been pretty competitive in the
division, but this was the first time in almost ten years that the
team had made it to the finals.

My quiet anxiety was mirrored by Sara’s
exuberant anticipation. She was unable to contain her energy and
kept fidgeting during the car ride to school. Trying to keep our
minds off the game, Sara started to run through our plans for the
weekend. I let her talk the entire drive, unable to focus on what
she said enough to contribute.

When we arrived at school, we were greeted
with homemade banners and flyers displayed along the halls, wishing
the girls’ soccer team luck in the championship game. Our lockers
were decorated with streamers and glittery letters with a message
of encouragement along with our jersey numbers. Instead of groaning
as I had at the sight of the glittery mess, Sara shrieked with
excitement.

“I don’t know how I’m going to get through
the day,” Sara exclaimed. “I can’t wait for tonight!” I was trying
to figure out how I was going to get through the day as well. It
was hard to focus knowing the game was approaching, and the excited
energy wasn’t helping - it felt overwhelming and disorienting. I
wanted to slip into an empty room, with music blaring in my ears,
to gather myself.

Then it only got worse. During morning
announcements, we were informed we’d be getting out of our last
class early to assemble for a pep rally in the gymnasium for the
soccer team. My mouth dropped as I heard Sara holler with
enthusiasm, joined by the rest of the room.

“Looking forward to the game?” Evan asked
while Ms. Abbott handed back our latest writing assignment.

“I think I’m going to throw up,” I confessed
and dropped my head onto my folded arms. Evan chuckled.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be great,” he assured
me.

“I wish everyone would treat this like every
other game and stop acting so insane,” I said, facing him with my
head still resting on my arms.

“Not to add to your nausea, but I don’t know
if I can go to Jake’s party tomorrow night.”

“What?!” My head shot up. The exclamation
came out a little too loud, turning a few heads. Ms. Abbott
continued handing back papers, unfazed by my disruption.

Evan looked around and waited until no one
was looking before he continued.

“My parents are making me go to dinner with
them,” he explained, annoyed. “It’s being hosted by one of the
partners, and we have to put on appearances. I don’t have a choice,
I’m sorry.”

The thought of going to a party with just
Jason and Sara did not appeal to me. I didn’t want them to feel
obligated to entertain me when I knew they’d want alone time. That
would mean
I’d
have alone time, which terrified me.

That thought must have translated on my face
because Evan said, “Don’t worry. I’ll see what I can do.”

“It’s okay,” I said, trying not to sound as
disappointed as I was. “I understand.”

I had to survive History and Chemistry, not
only with nausea from the approaching game, but also the building
anxiety of going to Jake’s party without Evan. I decided I needed
to shake off the distraction of Jake’s party and stay focused on
the first hurdle – winning the game.

Evan met me outside of Chemistry with a
mischievous grin on his face. I approached him cautiously.

“I’m afraid to know.”

“I think I’ve figured out a way to help us
both get through tomorrow night.”

“How?” I asked, still afraid to hear his
plan.

“You can come with me to the dinner – “

Before he could continue, I took in an
audible gasp of air. He pressed his lips together at my
reaction.

“It won’t be that bad,” he comforted. “It’ll
get you warmed up for the party. You can be my excuse to get out of
staying the whole time, and then we can go to the party together.”
I wasn’t sure what was more terrifying, going to a party
practically alone or meeting Evan’s parents and being surrounded by
adults who’d expect intelligent, coherent conversation.

“Maybe I’ll beg Sara to stay home and watch
movies instead,” I whispered, trying to breathe evenly.

“I knew it was a long shot,” Evan said
quietly, looking away. “I hate these dinners - having to pretend to
be the perfect son to the perfect parents, while talking to
pretentious people gloating about their accomplishments. I thought
it might not be so miserable if you were there too.”

I didn’t say anything as we found our seats
for class. Evan sat quietly next to me. I kept glancing over at him
throughout class. He looked… sad. I didn’t like seeing his drawn
mouth and his slumped shoulders. It was obvious that this dinner
was Scott’s party for Evan. I didn’t know how I would have gotten
through that night if Evan hadn’t been there.

I took a deep breath and swallowed my
stomach, digesting what I was agreeing to do. I felt nauseous at
the thought of meeting his parents, but my chest warmed when I
looked at Evan, knowing I was doing the right thing.

“I’ll do it,” I said when the bell rang at
the end of class.

“What?”

“I think that it’s a good compromise.” I
tried to sound confident. “I’ll go to dinner with you, and you go
to the party with me.” He examined me cautiously, making sure I was
serious before he let the smile release on his face.

“You know I’m making out in the deal,
right?”

“Whatever,” I said dismissively. “I still owe
you for Scott’s party. But I have to warn you, I’m not great with
small talk, so I may end up embarrassing you.”

He laughed. “I don’t think that’s possible.
Besides, you’ll find you won’t have to do too much talking. This
crowd loves to talk about themselves, so all you have to do is
stand there and nod politely. Don’t worry; I won’t leave you alone
with any of them.”

Just before we entered the Art room, Evan
stopped to face me.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

I pressed my mouth into the best fake smile I
could and said, “Of course I do.” When I saw the relief in his
eyes, I found that I didn’t need to fake it.

I told Sara the revised plan during
lunch.

“No way,” she gasped. “You’re going to meet
his parents?”

After thinking about it for a minute longer,
she added, “You know I don’t believe you when you say you’re just
friends. You have a thing for him, whether you’re ready to admit it
or not.”

“Sara,” I exclaimed with fiery cheeks, “you
don’t know what you’re talking about!” I couldn’t cool my face for
the rest of lunch. It didn’t help that Sara kept a stupid grin on
her face the entire time, fueling the fire.

“You have to promise me that you’ll keep your
thoughts to yourself when we’re around him,” I begged.

“Em, I would never say anything about how you
feel about him,” she promised.

“How
you think
I feel about him,” I
corrected. But I couldn’t argue my point beyond that.

I was so overwhelmed I could barely sit
through Journalism class. With Sara’s provoking smile on one side
and Evan’s heart stopping grin on the other, my head was spinning.
I couldn’t deny how I felt every time I was around Evan. But I’d
convinced myself that being friends was what was best. I knew what
was best, right?

I
couldn’t
think of him as any more
than a friend. I had too much to lose. Why did I let Sara get to
me? I didn’t have any serious feelings for him, right? There was no
way…

I watched while Evan listened to Ms. Holt’s
review of the current assignments. I traced the profile of his
straight nose with his distinct cheekbones, down to his chiseled
jaw. His perfect lips were separated slightly as his steel blue
eyes glanced from Ms. Holt down to his notebook, where he would
occasionally jot down notes. I followed the tight muscles that
extended down his neck, concealed under the blue sweater that
hinted at the contours of his chest. I was breathing slowly, unable
to redirect my eyes. My heart murmured softly in my chest,
releasing a tingling that sent goose bumps along my arms.

Evan glanced at me, and I quickly turned my
head, my cheeks warming. I knew he didn’t know what I was thinking
–
I
didn’t know what I was thinking – but I didn’t want him
to catch me staring. Seriously, what was I thinking? I could not
have feelings for Evan! What
was
going on?! My mind
unraveled as images of our time together flashed through my head. I
finally gave in to what I’d been trying to ignore for the past
month. I took a gulp of air as I finally faced the truth – I was in
love with Evan Mathews.

“Are you okay?” Sara whispered. “You look
freaked.”

“Ms. Holt,” I interrupted with an unsteady
voice. The whole class turned to look at me. “Uh, Sara and I have
to leave now so we can get ready for the pep rally.”

Before she could answer, I stood with my
books in my arms, heading out the door. I turned when I got into
the hallway, urging Sara to hurry up as she slowly gathered her
things.

“What is wrong with you?” she demanded when
we walked into the girls’ bathroom. I checked the stalls before
answering. Sara followed my actions with a worried stare.

“I
am
freaked,” I admitted in a loud
whisper. “Sara, I can’t believe I like him.”

“I’m not following,” she replied with narrow
eyes. “And why are you whispering?”

“You’re right. I like Evan a lot more than a
friend,” I sighed.

“You are just now realizing this?” she almost
laughed.

“Shut up, Sara,” I snapped, still whispering.
“This is horrible. I can’t feel this way. And you can’t tell me you
don’t understand why I’m so freaked.”

She absorbed my desperate words and took a
long breath.

“I know why
you
think you can’t date
him. But I think you’re only hurting yourself more if you try to
deny how you feel.”

“Besides, how do I know he feels the same? I
can’t
tell him
. Then it would be so weird, and we wouldn’t
even be able to be friends.”

Sara shook her head and grinned, “You are
such an idiot. Of course he feels the same way. I can’t believe how
blind you are. Are you worried that if you dated him, she’d find
out?”

“If she ever found out I was dating someone,
I’d lose everything. She would never let me out of the house. And
he can never find out what it’s like for me! I can’t do this.”

“No, you can’t do it,” she agreed firmly.
“I’m already going against everything my gut is telling me by
keeping your secret. I’m not going to let you risk it more by
pissing Carol off if she found out about Evan.”

I wasn’t expecting Sara to say this. I knew
she was right, but my heart still sank.

“I don’t want you to have to give him up, so
we’ll just have to figure out a way for you to remain friends –
nothing more. Maybe you shouldn’t spend time alone together.”

“I have to this weekend,” I huffed, now even
more tormented by the thought of going to dinner with him. “But
Sara, if I can’t be alone with him, then I shouldn’t be friends
with him. You can’t chaperone to make sure he doesn’t stand too
close. Just help me keep my head on straight, that’ll be enough. If
I can’t handle it, then I can’t be around him anymore. It’s that
simple.”

“We can do this,” she assured me, unable to
contain her grin. “Although I’ve wished for forever that you guys
would hook up.”

“Sara, that’s not helping,” I snapped, no
longer whispering.

“You’re right, sorry,” she said, still
grinning.

17.
Unexpected Visit

“Do we really have to go to this pep rally?”
I moped when we returned to our lockers to get our game
jerseys.

“Of course we do,” she exclaimed, amazed by
my question. “Em, it will get us so pumped to have the whole school
cheer for us before the game.”

“Can I listen to my music, so I don’t have to
hear it?” She looked at me with her hands turned up in front of
her, unable to process my deterrence to be a part of the
excitement.

“Sara, I need to get focused on the game.
I’ve been distracted all day with this Evan stuff. I can’t be
swooped up in the chaos of listening to everyone screaming.”

“You are so strange,” she determined with a
shake of her head. “You cannot get away with listening to music
during a pep rally. We have to run in as they announce us, and we
sit together at the back of the gym where everyone can see us - so
you will have to put up with the
chaos
.”