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To: Madeline Whittaker

What's happening? Is your phone dead or just your heart?

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:05 PM

To: Emily Roberts

We broke up.

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:06 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

Oh lady. I'm sorry. Are you okay?

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:10 PM

To: Emily Roberts

I feel pretty wretched.

And I see nothing bad about him. It's like black magic, getting dumped. All the things that made me anxious or unhappy and all the things that I genuinely did not find attractive in Elliot have vanished (much like the relationship itself) and it's like the past bunch of months never happened and I'm back to the night I met him and he's just this hot, charming, perfect guy . . . who
doesn't love me. And it's so bad, knowing the whole thing works in reverse for him. He did this and so I am magically transformed into someone much WORSE than I actually am.

He's telling himself, as I type, that I was wrong for him.

It's not fair.

Dying alone,

M

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:14 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

I want to tell you something that will make you feel better but you are unhappy and your instinct will be to argue your way out of it. Like I want to tell you that you
can
do better and it really
is
him and has very little to do with you . . . but I've been you. I know your brain right now.

This is why I hate the movies. There's always a court of appeals for this crap in the movies. Our hero comes to a realization and goes running out of the Big Presentation to say how wrong he was . . . In real life, knowing yourself comes in 3-5 year increments. Basically: all romantic comedies should take 5 years instead of 2 hours.

So . . . what was his reasoning? What happened?

And where did this “drink” occur? His place?

I'm so sorry. i love you. this too shall pass . . .

xoxoxoxo

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:18 PM

To: Emily Roberts

We met at Lucky Strike. I guess I'm grateful that we did this in a neutral booth of a restaurant that neither of us goes to that much. I'm sure neither of us wants our apartments tainted with sadness.

I walked in and I immediately knew. He got up from the table to kiss me, kind of leaned over it so the table was stabbing his groin. I was FINE. I really was. I was composed and got settled in. And he was sheepish and I was like, “So” and he was like, “So” and I was like, “What's going on with you?”

Men are fucking weasels. It's like, not only are you about to screw me over, but you are going to make me hold your hand and guide you.

He told me he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and things hadn't been great and that I “deserved better” and I was all fuck you for telling me what I “deserve.” I know what I deserve. And he said that he “didn't want to waste my time.” I feel like that's what you tell someone after a month, two tops. You don't get to think you're doing the right thing if you rob a bank and then confess 50 years later. That doesn't make you a good person. Obviously he's been feeling that he didn't want to do the basics of having a girlfriend for a really long time and was too chicken to say anything. And when I say basics, you know I mean basic. Like expecting someone to text you within 24 hours after you text them is not “demanding.” Whatever.

He also thinks our “lifestyles” are “wildly opposite.”

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:20 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

“He thinks our ‘lifestyles' are ‘wildly opposite'.”

Oh, is he gay? KNEW IT.

Also . . . he's right about you deserving better, he's just the exact wrong person to say it.

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:23 PM

To: Emily Roberts

Haha. Yeah. I just wonder what the thing is. You know, it's just a weird amount of time to date someone at our age. Like you either know you're not compatible or you date for years and get married. But Elliot and I never even fought. Which, looking back, is probably a bad sign. I was too scared to fight and he didn't care enough to fight.

He was like, “it's nothing you did” but it SHOULD be, you know? It should piss him off or he should get jealous on occasion. Some kind of pulse that indicates he's let me in, that he's counting on me to be good to him. I asked him if it was physical . . .

I hate this feeling. I also hate that the dumpee is forced to act like a 5-year-old (see also: “why why why why?” to everything he says). So not dignified.

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:25 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

But breakups aren't supposed to be dignified! Better to be emotional now, instead of six months from now.

Wait . . . why would it be physical?

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:30 PM

To: Emily Roberts

I just wonder if that's The Thing. Like he says there's no one else (I believe him) and that he's not interested in dating other people (I don't believe him), so then what is it?

Every time you've broken up with someone, isn't there a secret thing you're not telling that person? Like “Babe, you're awesome but I secretly have to pretend I'm a prostitute to sleep with you because I'm not physically attracted to you and this is why I always have a stomach-ache.” Or “Babe, you are arm candy and I could
stare at you for hours, but conversation is painful and if you could not speak that would be good.”

I wonder what my secret thing is.

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:35 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

You are legally insane right now, I get that. I know it's tough to wrap our minds around but the mens, they are too dumb to know themselves like that. For us, we need logic. We need a reason. But I doubt there's a thing about you. I think it's simply that he's a child and practically nocturnal.

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:41 PM

To: Emily Roberts

Yeah, well. He basically said the same thing, that we had too many “bigger picture” problems. But none of it helps.

For the record: I know it's not actually anything physical. That part was one of the best parts, never had any problems in bed once we were really together.

Anyway, I feel like I have months of analyzing ahead of me . . . Right now I am going to do a shot of something and go to bed.

 

Subject: Re: yo

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:47 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

Okay, let's hang out tomorrow.

You should take a pill.

Better than a hangover, which will make you feel worse. People take sleeping pills for a lot less.

Sincerely, Dr. Roberts, X.O.

 

 

 

 

    
David

Aug 6, 7:24 PM

Elliot
   

Aug 6, 7:25 PM

    
David

Aug 6, 7:25 PM

Aug 6, 7:29 PM

Elliot