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Subject: So . . .

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 11:48 AM

To: Madeline Whittaker

You'll never guess where I am right now . . .

 

Subject: Re: So . . .

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 12:14 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

You . . . are . . . in a nutshell? At the restaurant? Standing creepily outside my window even though that's impossible because my apartment doesn't face the street?

 

Subject: Re: So . . .

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 12:36 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

I am . . .

(drum roll, please . . .)

At Bed, Bath and Beyond. Buying curtains. For my bedroom. No biggie.

Do I get “mocha,” “pearl,” or “off-white”?? Tie-back or hook? Do I need “Thermaliner panels”? What are “Thermaliner panels”?! I think I am losing my mind.

This very nice saleslady is also trying to convince me that I need to buy “window treatments” to really “complete the look.” Which, on the box, look to me just like “curtains,” but which are evidently a
separate, much more expensive thing? Pretty sure she just works off commission and smells blood in the water. MORE AS THIS STORY DEVELOPS.

 

Subject: Re: So . . .

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 12:40 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

Oh my god, now this woman is trying to foist “blackout window curtain liners” on me.

Me: What do those do?

Her: They're great, they really keep the light out.

Me: (confused) I don't understand. Isn't that the function of curtains? To keep out the light?

Her: Yeah, but they're better than curtains.

THEN WHY DO I EVEN NEED THE CURTAINS, LADY? WHAT IS THIS HOME-FURNISHING PONZI SCHEME?

(Obviously I bought them because I am a sucker. Now a fun game will be to see how long this stuff sits in a box in my apartment before I actually set it up.)

 

Subject: Re: So . . .

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 1:45 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

I am amazed. Is this my influence? Careful with that place, I go in for a shower curtain liner and come out with, like, a Vagina Swiffer (TM).

Those panels are for people who live in Arizona and need to keep the light out during the day and then need it not to be freezing at night. Ignore them, they're a rip-off. I don't think the Bed, Bath and Beyond people work on commission. How sad. I just think the saleslady doesn't know that your “look” consists of a sofa and a bunch of random vinyl lined up next to a radiator.

In summation: you want “semi-sheer” and a little longer than you think you'll need.

Anyway. Off to copyedit flour measurements. What did people in my job do before they could google embarrassing things like “how many cups in a quart”?

Your walking consumer reports,

M x

PS. They won't sit in a box . . . I'll help you if you want!

 

 

 

Subject: Yo

From: David Meyer

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 11:34 AM

To: Elliot Rowe

So I just checked and that Hudson Valley house is still available this weekend. That work? Let me know and I'll put the deposit down and you can pay me back sometime in the next six to eight months.

 

Subject: Re: Yo

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 1:06 PM

To: David Meyer

Sounds good. Lemme know how much I owe (and I will Paypal you immediately, dick).

 

Subject: Re: Yo

From: David Meyer

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 2:14 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

That'll depend on total headcount. Is your gf coming?

 

Subject: Re: Yo

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 2:45 PM

To: David Meyer

Wouldn't exactly say she's my girlfriend just yet, but I'll ask.

 

Subject: Re: Yo

From: David Meyer

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 3:15 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

What do you mean she's not your girlfriend?

You hang out multiple times a week, neglect your friends, and aren't sleeping with anyone else. (Well I'm assuming she's not.) That pretty much reads “relationship” to me.

 

Subject: Re: Yo

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 4:56 PM

To: David Meyer

I don't know, still feels early. We both have our own shit going on, and it doesn't seem like she's in a rush to just jump into something.

 

Subject: Re: Yo

From: David Meyer

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 5:02 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

Yeah, you're right. I'm sure she's totally cool with you guys sleeping together all the time and being invited on a weekend getaway with all your friends and she has no expectations about anything whatsoever. Because that's how girls are.

 

Subject: Re: Yo

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 5:20 PM

To: David Meyer

So you're saying I shouldn't bring her?

 

Subject: Re: Yo

From: David Meyer

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 5:50 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

You're an idiot.

 

Subject: Re: Yo

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 7:45 PM

To: David Meyer

You're mean.