Playing Well With Others (32 page)

The back room

Though they are rarer than they used to be, the back rooms at leather bars traditionally were a place where sexual encounters could happen away from prying eyes. The back room play space is actively advertised in some clubs, while in other bars it is a whispered affair only for the regulars. Some clubs allow anyone to play in the select area, while others are available only for known entities.

Places and props you might see in a back room include:

• Sling.
  Though any equipment listed in dungeons may be featured in a back room, the sling has a vibrant history and tradition in back rooms. A sling is usually made of leather or heavy canvas, suspended from four chains hanging from the ceiling or a metal frame. Containers of lube and condoms are often nearby. As slings are made of porous material, and are therefore difficult to disinfect, you may consider bringing your own gloves and chux (absorbent pads) or a towel to cover the sling.
  

• Glory hole.
  Some back room spaces facilitate or encourage anonymous cruising or sexual play. A glory hole can facilitate this type of encounter. One person waits on one side of a barrier (usually a wall or a door) to offer a “hole,” while someone on the other side presents their cock. The excitement, and challenge, with this connection is that you do not know what you will encounter on the other side of a hole — a mouth? An ass? A cunt? A hand ready to give a hand job? Some consideration is useful before sticking your cock through the aperture and deciding whether or not to take on all comers. Be aware that some people will present a cock with a condom in place, others will not engage in safer-sex practices. Consider carefully what degree of safety is within your comfort zone.
  

Bathhouse

In the generic sense of the word, a bathhouse is a public place for bathing: depending on the region, they will often include a steam room or sauna. In the gay men’s community, and occasionally in the women’s community, a traditional bathhouse may have been converted to, or double as, an on-premise sex club. Please note: not all bathhouses are slang for sex on premises friendly spaces, and soliciting the nice lady working at the Korean-style women’s bathhouse for a happy ending is in very poor taste. Once you’ve confirmed that the bathhouse you’re checking out is a sex-friendly venue, you’ll discover that there are often a variety of areas to explore.

Places and props you might see at a bathhouse include:

• Lockers.
  So that you don’t have to schlep your stuff, bathhouses offer lockers for your valuables and clothes. They’ll also provide towels, sometimes for a fee. Check out the policy before you go. Once there, you can strip down, wear your towel and key, and head off into the space to explore the delights to be experienced.
  

• Sauna/steam room.
  No matter whether the sauna is a “dry” or “wet” sauna (aka “steam room”), it’s a good idea to bring in a towel for your butt — it’s hygienic, and besides, that bench gets pretty damn hot. Keep in mind, not everyone in the space is looking to get laid. Play may range from “sweet and mild” to “crazy pornographic” in the level of touch, intimate contact, and sex.
  

• Social area.
  Social areas at bathhouses are not just for talking and greeting, but may provide magazines with sexual and non-sexual content, beverages, social activities (like card games), or erotic art galleries, to encourage conversation and social interaction.
  

• Massage room.
  Nope, it’s not slang for an erotic massage. Many bathhouses have licensed massage therapists on hand who offer their paid services for clients. Why combine sexual spaces and masseurs? Because it is much easier to feel sexy if you are relaxed!
  

Sacred sex temple

Those whose kink is part of their faith, or whose spirituality includes some form of kink, may choose to build a sacred sex temple as a space to practice their erotic explorations. This is also the case for those whose bondage crosses over with their tantra, or whose sex magic happens to feature dominance and submission. Temples may feature large mirrors, live music/drumming, and other tools to set the mood and facilitate transcendent experiences. If the space includes massage tables, make sure to check the weight capacity before multiple people climb on top — they are usually built for one fairly static body rather than multiple highly active individuals.

Places and props you might see at a sacred sex temple include:

• Altar.
  This large table or area is a place to acknowledge the energy of a space or leave your own sacred objects to be “charged” with the energy of the ritual you are participating in. It is often themed to reflect the type of kink ritual or work being done that day.
  

• Yoga mats and cushions.
  Many sacred sex spaces will have these tools available so folks can sprawl comfortably on the floor.
  

• Dance area.
  Some sacred sex rituals start with, or include, some form of dance, such as bellydancing or ecstatic trance dancing. Another type of expression is a “ball dance” where participants wear balls, lemons or bells attached through temporary piercings in their skin. The dancing here is not formalized dancing with steps; each dancer chooses the movements that help bring them into an ecstatic state, often leaping, whirling and other wild movement. Often, there are drummers or other musicians off to one side providing loud rhythmic music.
  

Educational spaces

Whether they are called dojos, libraries, clubhouses, social centers, or something else entirely, these spaces are often set as spaces for attending classes and educational intensives, watching live poetry and performance nights, or exploring extensive sexuality libraries. There are folks new to exploring kink who have come to these spaces and been disappointed when no kinky or sexual play broke out on a specific night. Might erotic spectacles happen? Perhaps, depending on the gathering — but it is far from guaranteed.

Places and props you might see at an educational space include:

• Classrooms.
  Specifically set up to facilitate discussions or presentations and classes, these areas will probably look pretty much like any other classroom . . . until you see the suspension frame set up in the front. The setting is often flexible in order to accommodate different teaching modalities such as lecture, discussion or hands-on participation.
  

• Reference libraries / museums.
  As people strive to collect and protect the histories of alternative lifestyles, some people have taken on the responsibility of preserving the history of the kink, leather and BDSM communities. From a box of books in a local clubhouse, to elaborate travelling libraries of smut, these historians and librarians have taken on the task of seeking out, gathering, storing and making available to the general public as much information as they can about our kink culture.
  Appendix 4B
  has some information on a few of the resources available to you.
  

Special interest specific venues

Special interest groups often create spaces that cater to their interest’s specific needs. Since so many venues are built to cater to the common denominator, people with very specific desires or who want a more finely-tuned focus will often create space just for them. While a spanking fetishist may find plenty of room in a kink event to get their spanko needs met, they might not wish the distraction of a boisterous take-down scene at the next station over. SIG space allows people with aligned fetishes to do their thing in a more homogenous space suitably centering on their kink.

Places and props you might find as a special interest specific venue include:

• Rope dojos.
  Asian aesthetic rope bondage (aka
  shibari
  or
  kinbaku)
  enthusiasts have been known to create a rope “dojo,” where their art form can be taught on tatami mats, with shoji screens and kimono decorating the space. Suspension frames and/or hard points facilitate suspension bondage.
  

• Stables.
  For those into “pony play” (human-animal role-playing), a “stable” may be as simple as a corner designated as such, with a blanket and a bowl of water, or as elaborate as a full-scale replica of the accommodations of a biological horse. Some hardcore aficionados will host parties on their own farm, while other will travel to visit such an authentic environment to facilitate their human equine fantasies.
  

• Nurseries.
  Those into “age play” or AB (adult baby) play will sometimes create “playrooms” or “nurseries” with adult-scaled toys and baby furniture. Everything from a slide to a changing table may be created in outsized proportions, to give the feel of being a baby or kid in an adult-sized world.
  

• Messy Play Areas.
  Tarps and plastic sheeting are often the order of the day for those who love to engage in messy food play, also known as “sploshing.” Parties may be conducted in places easily hosed down (a bare warehouse space may be the perfect locale for that pie fight), or in a carefully covered and draped environment, where the floor, ceiling and walls have been secured and protected.
  

Note the vibe

Every event has its own “vibe” or “energy.” These terms generally refer to the feelings elicited in our minds and bodies as a result of spending time at that event, the spin that the people hosting the party hope to put on the flow of the gathering, and the way the specific event operates. No two parties are identical, even at the same venue on a different night. Each might have different music, decorations, themes, protocols, levels of noise, levels of silliness or solemnity, and, of course, attendees. If you love Gothic-industrial music spun with a live DJ, the play party with canned disco on the dance floor might not be to your taste.

Kink events are social events, and, just like any other social event, some of them simply may not capture your interest. That is sometimes difficult for those new to kink and BDSM to hear — especially those who expect exciting, mind-blowing depravity at every turn. You may hit on a slow night at the local dungeon where no one is playing, or conversely everyone may be playing at the same time, making it too chaotic for you to engage emotionally. Some parties might feel awkward, some music may be annoying, and the energy at some parties may set your teeth on edge.

But fear not: knowing in advance that these possibilities exist can help you to be prepared for this eventuality. Remembering that it is OK to walk away will alleviate the sensation of feeling trapped or pressured to stay.

Sometimes you can bring your own fun or elevate the mood. Slow night? Maybe it’s on you to be the first scene in the dungeon. Not digging the music? Politely ask the DJ or party host if there are other options available.

For the first year I attended public play parties, I was largely uninspired by the music played in the dungeon. When my dominant took over running a series of parties, I made up a CD and asked if it would be OK to play it at the next event. No one ever expected to hear James Brown, Tricky, Prince, Earth, Wind & Fire or George Clinton in the dungeon! But people commented on the new sounds, and other local party hosts soon caught on that a broader spectrum of music elicited a broader spectrum of energies.

Squicks

A squick is something that repulses or upsets an individual. We personally know individuals who are squicked by blood, anything that looks like domestic abuse (e.g. a man punching a woman, even consensually), resistance/struggling, weapons, screaming, emotional coercion, inflatable items, humiliation, belts as a punishment tool, sticky substances/food, religious-themed scenes, and more. Some of these are related to past traumas, while others are culturally ingrained. However, squicks are not always rational. If you get squicked at an event, walk away from the encounter. Our buttons have little to do with other people’s motivation or experiences. It is unlikely that the folks playing came to the dungeon specifically to offend or upset you. Talk to a host/ Dungeon Monitor (DM). Decompress elsewhere. Process later what about it squicked you, and know that though some may work through their squicks, others will be squicked by that thing for life. Some of us may even develop a new squick over time in the kink community. We all have buttons, and that is OK.