Playing Well With Others

What They’re Saying

“Brilliant — an instant classic!
Playing Well With Others
is destined to be the go-to guide to conscious kink for years to come. This engaging, fun and witty book is crammed with indispensable wisdom for newcomers and experienced players alike. I love this book!” — Barbara Carrellas, Author,
Urban Tantra, Ecstasy is Necessary

“Mollena Williams and Lee Harrington are a much-needed team of sex ed bandits on the loose, spreading their gospel of stigma-free power exchange in everyday life. This lifestyle advice and community guide’s ‘choose your own adventure’ approach will be helpful to all readers from curious closeted freaks to experienced public pervs.” — Abiola Abrams,
Official Bombshell Handbook,
Curator of Passionate Living at
AbiolaTV.com

“A reader-friendly, upbeat, one-stop guide to everything you need to know to play safely and joyfully in the BDSM community, from defining your own journey to playing well with others. Authors Harrington and Williams bring their own special brand of intelligence, warmth, fun and wisdom to dispelling myths and promoting blissful BDSM in a book that is an instant classic in BDSM education.” — Dr. Gloria G. Brame,
Different Loving, Come Hither: The Truth About Sex

“If you’ve wondered about venturing into that strange and mythical bunch of people who supposedly have those dangerous whips-and-handcuffs parties in sleazy clubs or dim basements, but the stereotype has scared you off, take heart: Lee and Mollena have blown away those fictional bogeymen and given you an easy step-by-step guide to safely entering this domain, and in the process they’ve shown that it isn’t nearly as scary or sleazy as you think.
Playing Well With Others
lets you know what you can expect, what will be expected of you, and how you can get the most out of your visits into this realm. While it doesn’t guarantee to get you kinky sex, it will make the process of trying look a lot easier, and it ought to have “Don’t Panic” written on in the cover in large, comforting chains.” — Raven Kaldera,
Dark Moon Rising

“An insightful and thoroughly entertaining book. Full of humor, playfully presented insights, and profound truths. Whether you’re a seasoned player or new to the kink community, this book is a must read. Quite honestly, it’s the most complete and accurate presentation of kink community dynamics I have ever read!” — JD of Two Knotty Boys,
Showing You the Ropes

“If you are a newcomer to the world of BDSM, you could have no friendlier or more supportive guides than Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams. In
Playing Well with Others,
you will find everything you need to know about how to find the kink communities, connect with fellow kinksters, and negotiate with honesty, practicality, and courtesy to make your wildest dreams come true: this book is the roadmap you’ve been looking for.” — Dossie Easton, MFT,
The Ethical Slut, The New Bottoming Book, The New Topping Book
and more

“Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams have written a ‘Welcome to BDSM’ guidebook that tackles the who, what, when, where and why of kink. They break down everything from cons to collars and munches to masochism with an easygoing, informative style that tells it like it is. Newbies and seasoned kinksters alike will appreciate their wisdom.” — Rachel Kramer Bussel, editor,
Cheeky Spanking Stories
and the
Best Bondage Erotica
series

“These two educators have really hit it out of the park with
Playing Well With Others.
From newly minted kinksters to experienced edgeplayers, fabulous fetishists to savvy swingers, this book provides a wealth of useable information and incredible resources on how to optimize your experiences in the kink, leather and even swinging communities. A must have!” — Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS, Sexuality and Board Certified Sexologist

“Consider this book a safe haven for perverts. Wrap yourself in the reassuring language of Lee and Mollena’s thorough overview of the myriad kink communities. Know that you will be well-equipped with an easy-to-navigate map that will take you from Vanilla Town to Rocky Road in style. Really, this book is an excellent primer for learning how to be a decent human being. The kink element is just an added bonus.” — Kendra Holliday, writer and editor of
The Beautiful Kind

“Congratulations! What you hold in your hands may just be the most thorough and up-to-date book illuminating the multifaceted world of BDSM and Kink. Mollena and Lee take you on a step- by-step journey where nothing is taboo! If you are just starting out or have been playing for years, you’ll find the latest on everything from power dynamics to human pups! Embrace your desires. Let your erotic archetypes out to play; pleasure, intimacy, healing and fulfillment await you! — Cleo Dubois, Academy Of SM Arts

“Two words, Dear Reader: Sustainable. Community. Though packaged in a pervy panoply of passion and possibility, this island in the sea of kink is home to the treasures of truth necessary to create and foster any type of affinity-based sustainable community. This field guide to kink communities, with a consent-based model featuring personal empowerment, is a tool I wish I’d had thirty years ago when I first came out into kink. From the absolute noob we’ve all been to the credentialed members of an Old Guard that has never existed, there’s something for all. This book might wear a leather jacket, but beneath its cover lies the naked truth of how to be completely, authentically human in appropriate community.” — Rev. Deborah Addington, author,
A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting, Fantasy Made Flesh: The Essential Guide to Erotic Roleplay, Play Piercing

“Feeling like Cinderella going to your first kinky ball? This book is your Fairy Godmother!
Playing Well With Others
is a must-read guide to your foray into the kinky realms. Practical, hilarious, helpful, smart and generous.” — Midori, Sexuality educator, author, founder of Rope Bondage Dojo & ForteFemme,
www.FHP-inc.com

© 2012 by Greenery Press, Inc.

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television or Internet reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Publisher.

Cover design by Johnny Ink,
www.johnnyink.com
.

Interior art by kd,
www.katiediamond.com
.

Published in the United States by Greenery Press. Distributed by SCB Distributors, Gardena, CA.

Readers should be aware that the activities and behaviors described in this book carry an inherent risk of physical and/or emotional injury. While we believe that following the guidelines set forth in this book will minimize that potential, the writers and publisher encouragejou to be aware thatyou are taking some risk whenjou decide to engage in these activities, and to accept personal responsibility for that risk. In acting on the information in this book,jou agree to accept that information as is and with all faults. Neither the authors, the publisher, nor anyone else associated with the creation or sale of this book is responsible for any damage sustained.

Introduction

D
ARK DUNGEONS WHERE CHAINS RATTLE
, bodies writhing in the shadows. Latex clad mistresses who entertain the most select clients who have found the one true way into their domains. Ancient traditions of leathermen passed down from man to man, available only to those willing to endure the trials of indoctrination . . .

It’s hot porn.

If you want to keep dreaming that the world of BDSM, fetishism and kink is a scary place full of depraved taboos and grinning demons who will force you to do their bidding —

PUT THIS BOOK DOWN NOW.

Do you, instead, long to traverse and explore the many and varied gatherings within the alternative sexuality communities from a place of emotional, social, psychological and physical well-being? Then this book will help you discover the diversity of possibilities available, and make them a part of your life should you so choose. From munches to fetish balls, shopping excursions to public dungeons, fantasy retreats to intensive educational opportunities, there are many options nowadays. In your hands is a survival guide, complete with helpful tips and tricks, to support you as you explore, navigate and integrate yourself into this community, and make it your own.

Curious about kink? Or perhaps highly experienced and looking for some tips to take your journey even deeper? Ready to dive in fully, or perhaps just take a peek?

Here is a map to the terrain you hope to explore, and we are here to be your guiltless guides, your erotic assistants, your sexual Sherpas.

This is the book we wish had been around when we began our own forays from private kinky sex to public, playful and profound perversion. With so much reference material, so many websites and resources detailing how to be kinky and enjoy diverse sexualities, how exactly do we meet others of our kind? It’s about time we branched out and discussed how to play well with one another, how we build community, and how to have the best chance of success in our explorations.

We’ll explore a wide variety of topics relevant to getting involved with kink communities, including:

• Questioning
  your own motivations, needs, wants and desires.
  

• Easing
  your way into established communities.
  

• Understanding
  etiquette in different adventurous sex communities.
  

• Familiarizing
  yourself with the many types of events available to explore.
  

• Caring
  for your relationships as you explore new territory.
  

• Negotiating
  for play and aftercare.
  

• Learning
  to operate back in the “world at large”
  

• . . . and of Course
  the all-important question: What do you wear?!
  

Come along with us, and know you are not alone.

Your Sexual Sherpas
,
Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams
New York City 2012
PassionAndSoul.com
and
Mollena.com

Chapter 1

Welcome to the Jungle: Your First Steps Into Adventure

Kink? What Is This Kink Thing?

T
HE KINK COMMUNITY
is known by many different terms . . .