Playing Well With Others (30 page)

Drama around relationships

Every community is made up of relationships. Friendships, mentorships, and partnerships can all help create a stronger community, or, if they end badly, can lead to drama or fractured trust. Just because a relationship ends does not mean that the feelings around the relationship vanish overnight. Our exes and former best friends are probably going to stay in the same community — which means we must practice how to manage interacting gracefully with former partners. Sometimes the drama around break-ups does not come from the people involved, but other community individuals who feel it is their business “to be helpful.”

For those who are event hosts, producers and community leaders, there is a difference between “drama” and real-life conflict. If confronted with a genuine and valid concern that you feel is beyond your comfort level, someone trained in conflict resolution may be able to facilitate a positive outcome. If that still does not work, or if a mutually beneficial result cannot be reached, use your best judgment and be decisive; this can set an example of integrity and boundaries for our community.

It also sometimes happens that the relationships which generate drama are not former relationships, but current ones. There are those people who thrive on being the center of attention, or are energized by being in dramatic situations, and may enjoy dragging others into their vortex.

Biological relationships

As the kink community grows and ages, there are more and more multi-generational kinksters. Sometimes being someone’s “brother” is slang for a close friendship, but nowadays it may also mean “born of the same birth parents.” Some parent-child pairs set up rules around who will attend various events or parties, some are happy to know Dad is happy but never want details, some are pleased to support those in their family by helping them find resources, and some are comfortable playing at opposite ends of the same dungeon. More than one parent has come out into the scene after their kids came out. Each relationship is unique, and will find its own way to navigate the potential challenges that may arise for themselves or those around them.

Coercion

Being seduced into things in which we have already expressed an interest can be sexy. Being guilted, shamed, terrified or blackmailed into doing things is not. The more obvious forms are easy to avoid (both as recipients and givers), but the more subtle forms of psychological manipulation can be trickier. Some coercive language might sound like this:

• “Is that all you’ve got?”
  

• “If you were a real top/bottom/master/slave/player, you would . . .”
  

• “If you trusted me, you’d let me . . .”
  

• “But you should want to.”
  

• “I know you’re not that experienced, but . . .”
  

• “I know you better than you do.”
  

• “Trust me, I’ve been doing this for a lot longer than you.”
  

• “I thought you were tougher/better/stronger/more experienced/ edgier than this.”
  

• “Safewords and limits are for newbies.”
  

Coercion is not limited to sexual or kink play situations. It comes up in our community in cases of building relationships, as well as in places of leadership. Guilting people into “giving back to their community” can generate resentment, and, in the case of people who are already at capacity, can burn out the precious resource of willing volunteers.

Swarming

Swarming is the tendency to mob a new face at a gathering. Someone who is “fresh meat” at the event or party becomes surrounded by people, either all at once or in an overwhelming chain of constant attention. Swarming treats people as commodities rather than as people, and can overwhelm, alienate and chase away the individuals in question. If word gets out that people are being mobbed at events, new folks may well be put off by the thought of attending, and regulars may well feel invisible and unwelcome.

Language challenges

Many people within the kink communities use a variety of pronouns (he, she, they, ze, or only being referred to by their first name), honorifics (mistress, master, sir, m’lady, lord, goddess), diminutives (slave, slut, “it,” puppy) and special nicknames. These are all personal preferences, but someone who attaches a strong identity to how they are perceived or addressed in the world may feel offended, hurt, or not seen for their true selves. When possible, ask questions. “What name do you go by?” “How may I address you?”

If someone calls you by the incorrect name, pronoun, or title, take a moment before assuming that they’re a thoughtless jerk. Remember that their error is likely not about you, and you may need to help others learn your preferences. They may not have enough information, may be new to a specific segment of the community, or may not have encountered this gender/identity before. Give them the benefit of the doubt, or enlist the assistance of your allies to politely redirect them on their approach to language.

Communication between groups

Incivility, relationship drama, coercion . . . they all happen at an organizational level as well as a personal level, and are to be avoided. Cliques, bickering and gossip do not serve our community as a whole; if you hear gossip about a group, consider getting multiple opinions.

Consider identifying what your group is into or stands for, rather than what it is not into or does not stand for. Saying a group is “for individuals into exploring fetishes and alternative relationship structures” is clearer than saying “we are not a swinger or a hookup group.”

Sometimes the inter-group issues we encounter are based on a lack of inter-group planning. In some cities, you may see no events at all for a month or two, and then suddenly see that there are three parties in one night. Sure, the issue might be specific issues of rivalry, or it may just be a lack of planning and poor communication between groups. Whichever it is, creating additional drama by amplifying the issues is rarely helpful. If you find yourself being drawn into “political” entanglements, consider gracefully disentangling yourself. You do yourself and the community at large a favor by not fanning the fire.

Secrecy

Whisperings of a guru who can teach you the secrets of the Old Ways of Leather, or rumors that membership in a particular group will equip you with deep, dark esoteric secrets — the allure can be real. For some parts of the kink community, secrecy and screening processes can be absolutely necessary, due to outing concerns or fears of social injustice. Some parties, for example, keep the location secret until a guest or attendee has registered and agreed to follow the rules of conduct. However, it’s one thing to be asked to give your name and attend a few munches before going to a party, and another thing altogether to be required to divulge detailed personal information to someone with whom you’ve only communicated online, or to pay exorbitant fees to be accepted into a group.

Choosing to learn or study from others who have “come before” can be a tradition within the leather and rope communities. Having someone conceal vital information until you are “deemed worthy,” or being asked to move cross country to live with your a secret mentor, is another matter. If you can’t “ascend” or “gain true mastery” without spending large sums, sleeping with the central leadership of a group, or “enduring severe indoctrination” . . . consider whether a group might be a cult.
Appendix 4I
includes the “Cult Detection Evaluation Frame.”

There is an appeal to secrecy. Back rooms that open up to hidden passageways, earning the right to attend selective events — they can be sexy. Hard-won knowledge has added value. Be honest with yourself: if you’re seeking out a secretive or elite group because you enjoy the challenge and the mystery, that’s okay. Just be aware of where your limits are, use common sense, keep your wits about you, and make sure that this is a good choice for you.

Having been sexually assaulted during a scene, I know how difficult it can be to recover from such an experience. The person to whom I was bottoming pushed past a line I’d firmly set, and violated my safer sex boundaries. I blamed myself for not fighting him off. I was sure that I had brought it on myself by making a bad choice. I feared that my mental state, altered as it was from hours of play, was too compromised for me to be a responsible bottom. And this was scary: after all, I “should know better!” I’d been involved in the scene for over fifteen years! I finally realized that I had crossed paths with an unethical person, and that I was not to blame for my own coercion and assault.

Liars, unethical individuals and predators

Just like any other population, the kink community has the occasional “bad egg.” Liars, unethical individuals, thieves, criminals, unstable personalities, bigots, predators, rapists and abusers are part of every population group on the planet. We dream of a day when this is not the case, but for now, it behooves you to be careful.

Keep aware, and keep alert! Don’t leave toy bags full of expensive toys out at events. Get to know people before sharing too much personal information. Trust your instincts. And if you have had something truly awful happen, don’t let anyone use easy labels to bury your truth: lies like “real slaves can’t be raped,” “a top can’t be abused,” “you asked for it by wearing that outfit,” and “no smart person would be taken advantage of like that” help no one, and harm many. Being in a power exchange dynamic is no excuse for abusive behaviors either (see
Appendix 4H
, “SM vs. Abuse”). Some actively deal with perpetrators by reporting them to the police, others expect their community to help police their own, and some, troublingly, do not take action. Make an informed decision from a place of power, talk to a trusted friend and make the best decision for you.

In the future we will live in a world, and a kink community, where everyone will be honest, open-minded, loving individuals. Until then, take care of you and those you care about.

If you are the victim of a crime, or some offence has been perpetrated against you, such as fraud, theft, abuse, rape, and other non-consensual behaviors, it is your right to seek help. If you are faced with these issues, make sure to empower yourself and avail yourself of all avenues of reparation. It is beyond the scope of this book to address every possible contingency or to provide legal advice. To help determine if an encounter was abuse or BDSM, please see
Appendix 4H
.

People Are People, Everywhere

Moving towards that future world starts with you. Building trust, responsibility and friendships from a place of consent is a profound act, and ensuring that consent permeates all of our relationships is part of what makes the kink community radical. Instead of making assumptions about desires or interests, we endeavor to consciously explore them, and help others explore as well.

All groups of humans have their issues, failings and foibles. But becoming aware of problematic behaviors can help strengthen our community through awareness. And from this awareness we can build true informed consent in all directions, so that all we kinky creatures can explore our unlimited potential.

Chapter 8

Oh the Places You’ll Go! Dungeons, Play Spaces and Erotic Arenas

K
INKSTERS’ SHARED SPACES
come in a variety of flavors: sensual boudoirs, gleaming metal edifices, cozy pads, raw warehouse spaces, and many more. Everyone who decides to create an environment for exploring their sexuality draws upon their own dreams, desires, and experiences to determine what these spaces will look like.