Playing Well With Others (27 page)

If you’re not hitting two of the three, you may wish to reconsider your approach.

Post-event communication is not limited to sharing stories and processing lessons learned. Creating and using connection rituals can help strengthen bonds. This might include spending quality time together soon after the event, sharing stories with one another, or helping one another undress from your kink wardrobe. “Whatever rite you choose, it can help re-focus and ground you back into your default world.

Involving Other People

Before attending events, consider whether you are comfortable with involving others. For some people, doing any sort of sexual or kink play in public is uncomfortable because people outside of the relationship will be watching. That’s just fine — not everyone is an exhibitionist. Others might love having outsiders watch, interact, or even become a part of their play. Doing so may feel exciting, or offer a chance to connect with our partners in a new way.

If you are someone who finds the idea of playing with or around others titillating, consider your motives. Opening up a relationship won’t “fix” it. Though it may rev up your sex life in some circumstances, trying to use swinging, group kink play or partner switching to repair a relationship in turmoil rarely succeeds in the long term. Remember, the outsiders are people, too; they come with their own thoughts, feelings, emotions and boundaries. Crystal-clear motives and healthy boundaries up front can help avoid unpleasantries in the aftermath.

If you do decide to discuss in advance playing with folks outside your relationship, consider your “target audience.” Are you comfortable with your partner(s) playing with:

• Other couples/persons with primary relationships?
  

• People who have been fully cleared by everyone in advance?
  

• Folks of the same gender?
  

• Folks of a different gender?
  

• Individuals you never have to see again?
  

• People with whom you share intimate friendships?
  

• Known players in the community?
  

• Anonymous encounters?
  

• Sex workers?
  

Ask yourself these questions first, then discuss your feelings with your partner. Try to stay aware of why you answer a certain way. Saying “You can’t play with other men” can be open to misinterpretation. Saying “I don’t like the idea of you playing with other men because the type of sex we have is very personal to me, and feels like ‘our special thing’” is specific and clear.

Consider as well what both you and your partner consider to be intimate: kissing, cuddling, sex, fucking, dirty talking, spanking, power exchange, body fluid exchange. . . . For some folks, “a fuck is just a fuck,” while for others, sexual intercourse is a sign of love and interconnection. Perhaps your partner considers caning to be a type of play that is intimate, and might feel emotionally hurt to see you being caned by another person.

We don’t always know in advance what will set off our feelings that the intimacy of our relationship has been violated: some folks call these discoveries “landmines.” Some of these concerns may be related to boundaries (“I don’t like it when you use my special toy on someone else”) or they could be specific physical issues (being concerned that your partner is using an intimate toy on some else’s intimate parts, creating an STD risk due to cross-contamination). If you do know your “special things” in advance, voice them and share your feelings around them. If your partner is aware how special and intimate a specific outfit, toy, venue or type of play is to you, they are more able to take those feelings into consideration when debating playing with others.

For some people, if their partner has an online-only kinky lover it’s not a big deal: it’s all on the Internet, so it’s not “real.” For others, knowing that their partner has an online lover can be heartbreaking, because that person online gets quality time and a glimpse into their partner’s heart. Each evaluation is unique, and you have to decide what is “real” for you.

By articulating levels of intimacy, sometimes we are able to stumble upon new possibilities. If your partner considers mouth-to-mouth kissing to be an intimacy particular to your relationship, perhaps you will develop a new pleasure in kissing other parts of a new lover’s body. Instead of dismissing something that upsets our partner as “not that big a deal,” we can listen to what their fears, wants, needs and desires are underneath, building a stronger connection with them. What may not seem like “a big deal “to us may have strong roots in our partners, and vice versa.

I was at a cuddle party at a mixed kink event, when a leatherman walked in. He looked around, wide-eyed, and when asked to cuddle, said “no way.” Even though he was comfortable hitting people with whips, or doing anal fisting with folks he barely knew, cuddling with a stranger was far too intimate for him.

Find Your Systems and Stick By Them

The next step is adhering to the agreements that you have each made. “But they followed me home!” is not a good excuse for turning your monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one, or for an unexpected $700 purchase when your relationship is on a tight budget, or for bringing home an STD because you failed to follow safer-sex procedures. If you aren’t sure whether something is appropriate, consider whether you are following the letter of the limit or its spirit. Are you trying to fool yourself into feeling something is okay when you know it’s not?

If you’re unsure — ask! Use kind and loving language, rather than sounding harsh or accusatory, to help keep communication fluid. Fluidity gives us the vital capacity to be aware when our systems need to change. We may find that what we said and thought would work in theory may not be okay in practice, or new ideas may come to mind the more we explore. Be open to the possibilities!

Planning for jealousy, envy and other emotions

Though we will go more into emotional experiences in
Chapter 10
, it’s worthwhile to look at them briefly here. Why? Because if we plan for what we will do when emotional challenges arise, we can often bounce back or process through them with greater ease.

Note that we said “when” you encounter them . . . not “if.”

When we are in situations where our emotions can be heightened, some of them will be more difficult to handle. Jealousy, envy, fear . . . these are not necessarily “bad” emotions that must be suppressed for fear of leading you to The Dark Side. They may well be giving us vital information about our feelings and state of mind. Being able to break down the feelings into more articulated concerns, and having awareness of what to do to help address the issues underneath, can be very helpful.

• Envy.
  “When we wish we were doing something, and someone is getting to do that thing instead of us, a feeling of envy can arise. Even when we are excited that a partner is getting to explore their sexuality and identity, if we feel left out we can become covetous or discontented towards the joyful experiences of others. It can foster a feeling of ill-will and resentment, when in our hearts we want to be happy for the person. Expressing that we wish we were doing that thing they are doing, and booking a time to have joyful experiences of our own, can help mitigate envy.
  

• Jealousy.
  When we are resentful of the time, energy or connection that someone else is experiencing, jealousy can arise. This is also the case if we feel others are undeserving of a happiness we perceive as lacking in our own lives. Being honest with ourselves about what we wish we had can help us challenge feelings of jealousy. We become more able to articulate what is driving the jealousy by sitting with the emotion for a while and observing what precipitated the jealous feelings. Letting your partner or partners know you’re experiencing these feelings is healthy. Unleashing anger or passive-aggressive reactions without letting them in on what’s going on for you is not.
  

• Competition.
  Feelings of competition arise when we actively or passively compare ourselves to others. Fights over “which lover got more time/energy/focus/orgasms” start building resentment. Fears around being inadequate bubble up. Remembering that each journey is unique, and expressing the things we love in our interactions, can help deflate competitive feelings by reminding us that our connections are one of a kind and can stand on their own rather than in comparison to the experiences of others.
  

• Possessiveness.
  When we feel that our partners are objects that we possess, and we desire to have exclusive interaction with those belongings, possessiveness arises. This desire to have no one else touch what is “ours” can make alternative relationship structures challenging, unless we can voice what specific things we want to be “ours.” Voicing our desires to be loved, feel special, and feel desired, along with expressing how to help all partners feel unique and irreplaceable, can help work through debilitating possessiveness.
  

Compersion/Frubble

In the polyamory community, there is a term called “compersion”; it means feeling empathic happiness or joy when our current or former partner experiences joy through an outside source. In short, when our partner (or ex) is being made happy by someone else, we are happy for them. This emotion can be romantic, erotic or emotional in nature, and varies from person to person. Not everyone feels compersion (or “frubble” in the United Kingdom) the same way, and being compersive or frubbly is not necessarily a sign of a more evolved individual. In some parts of the queer and lesbian community, “stone” individuals (those who prefer giving their partners sexual pleasure to receiving it themselves) are thought to be people who feel compersion above or to the exclusion of their direct/personal sexual and emotional experience.

• Exclusion.
  The fear of being left out, deprived of time, or excluded from affection can generate feelings of exclusion-based jealousy. We may worry that if the new play partner is getting hot play time with our lover, that our lover will not have time left for us to play as well. If general exclusion is a concern, consider booking “date nights” to reconnect with a partner and reinforce that you and they are still desirable. If specific exclusion is a worry, consider finding ways for all parties to participate together, such as co-topping, group dinners, or letting someone sit in during play.
  

• Fear.
  Many forms of jealousy are based in fear. That does not make them bad, nor does it make it the “fault” of the person experiencing the fear. Sometimes the fear is rational, often it isn’t. Fears range from worrying a partner will leave if someone “better” shows up, that having sex with someone else will make them fall in love with that person, or, as sexuality educator Aiden Fyre says, “that falling in love with a new person will mean falling out of love with an existing partner.” You may fear being humiliated by your partner, or losing them. There can be fears about what others outside a relationship will think. Try talking about what actions preceded the fear response, what the fear is all about, and what actions you or a partner might take to help lower the fear response. Consider also whether there is a truth behind the fear that should be addressed, or if a story or projection is taking place that has little to do with the reality of what’s happening. Just because our partner wants to be spanked by someone else does not mean they are unhappy with their relationship with us, just as complimenting someone else does not mean that they’re putting you down.