Phoenix (18 page)

“You and I have a very different opinion of what constitutes power. Just say the commander’s name, Natalie. Don’t be a coward about it.”

“Fine. Does it make you feel good that Jack has a blind spot when it comes to you and no one has the callousness to override him?”

Caroline saw that blind spot every time she came in contact with him, which was why she did her best to avoid it. “No,” she said quietly.

“Maybe you should stop treating him the way you have.”

She wasn’t about to have that discussion again. “Why does Buchanan have to leave?”

“Do you really want him fighting alongside you?”

No fucking way. Caroline shook her head.

“Buchanan needs to be gone,” Natalie said. “He barely passed muster to begin with. He can go home to northern California and milk cows or something.”

Did she have personnel files for everyone on the base? “How do you know where he’s from?” Caroline asked.

“For a guy with a broken jaw, he was pretty chatty. He was trying to flirt with me while I was treating him. I think he was about to ask me out before Jack interrupted us.”

Well, that sounded thirty-seven kinds of awful. “So you have me and my literally thick head to thank for dodging that bullet.”

“Yeah,” Natalie said.

“Your loss. I’m sure he would have been quite the gentleman.” Caroline laughed shortly. “I’m sorry. That’s not funny.”

Natalie raised her eyebrows at Caroline. “Little does he know I could beat the shit out of him too.” She slammed her fist into her palm and soon both of them were giggling.

Caroline attempted to recover first. “He has a tiny dick. I kneed him in the crotch. It was like kicking a woman. He’d need a magnifying glass to even think about jerking off.”

“That’s not very nice,” Natalie said, but laughed again.

“I wanted you to know that you weren’t missing anything.”

“It’s nice of you to overlook his shortcomings.”

“Haven’t you heard?” Caroline said. “I’m a glacial bitch now.”

“Who said that?”

“Jack.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

“It’s kind of fun, actually.”

Natalie stopped laughing. “Is it?”

It never took her long to crash into the sea after briefly flying toward the sun. “No.”

“Why?”

“Are we going to keep doing this?” Caroline asked. “Engaging in light friendly banter then going right back to the clinical stuff?”

Natalie sighed. “It’s the way I am. I’m sorry. I have an obligation to try to do this properly.”

“How did you get stuck with me, anyway?”

“I volunteered.”

Oh, God. Had she been the subject of discussion yet again? Did the rumor mill incline toward personnel decisions too? “Did Jack speak with the entire medical staff about me?”

“I offered to do it before he had the chance to ask anyone else. I’m the only one here who has any background in mental health.”

“And you’re the only female doctor.”

“Yes.”

“Both of those seem like serious gaps in the services provided here. We might have more than a few messed up people hanging around.”

“Probably. Oh, I’ve seen
Ordinary People
a few times. I think that adds to my qualifications.”

A little joke. Caroline didn’t mind her attempt at levity. “That’s a good movie when you’re not living it.”

“Want to hear my assessment of Mary Tyler Moore’s character?”

Caroline laughed. Natalie definitely had her moments. “Maybe another time. So after a few chance encounters and thirty minutes of talking, do you have a diagnosis for me?”

Natalie hesitated. “PTSD for sure. I doubt much else beyond that. You have some mild depression but it’s situational, not chemical.”

“Are you willing to bet your career on that?”

“Caroline, a high schooler could diagnose you. It’s not that difficult to figure out.”

That answered one question. “How is PTSD treated under our very unique circumstances?”

“These therapy sessions will help. I’m reluctant to put you on medication. I think that masks the problem.”

“What about the depression?”

“Again, I view medication as a last resort for you. I don’t think you’d like the way it would make you feel.”

She didn’t see how that would make a difference, anyway. Not when nothing else had worked. “I can’t go back to who I was,” Caroline said.

“Of course you can’t. Are you the same person you were five, ten, fifteen years ago? No. My goal is to get you functioning again.”

Was it safe to tell her the truth? It took a lot for Caroline to trust people on the base but Dr. Haddad seemed to fit the bill. “I like you,” she said. “In case you didn’t know that.”

Natalie gave her a wide smile. “I had a feeling.”

Caroline always welcomed sincerity and Natalie had it in spades. “I assume that’s why Jack came to you first.”

“He told me when he first met me that I reminded him of one of your staffers.”

Shit. She hadn’t wanted to think about that. Had tried to block it out like everything else. But it was stupid to assume her doctor wouldn’t go there eventually. “He mentioned that in the infirmary.”

“Do you agree with him?”

Caroline closed her eyes. This wasn’t going to be good. “Yes. I haven’t wanted to admit it.”

“Why not?”

“We were close. This staffer was a good friend.”

“I take it she’s-”

Best to keep the explanation as simple as possible. “She was killed by The Fed. Another former staffer told me when she was put in the cell next to mine.”

“Caroline, we can stop for today if you want.”

Natalie must have heard the hitch in her voice. A nice gesture on her part, but Caroline couldn’t very well expect to get through her therapy sessions without talking about a few painful things. And it might be better to get some of the harder stuff out of the way first. “No, it’s okay. I can talk about it.”

Natalie looked skeptical but pushed ahead anyway. “What was her name?”

“Kathleen Thalberg. She was my chief of staff in Harrisburg. My press secretary when I was in Congress. She’s a few years older than you but you have a lot of the same mannerisms.”

“Does that upset you? I don’t want to make this more difficult.”

Interacting with Natalie for the first time almost made her break down. It likely contributed to her shitty mood for days afterward. “It used to.” Caroline sniffled. “It’s somewhat comforting now. It’s eerie how alike you are. Even you yelling at me reminds me of her.”

“You two were close?”

She wiped at her eyes.
Close
didn’t begin to describe it. “Katie was one of my best friends.”

“I bet that made your boss/employee dynamic a bit unusual.”

“I had very little staff turnover when I was in Congress. The only people who left were the interns when their semesters were finished.”

“What do you think that says about you?”

Caroline could only handle so much introspection at one time. “I’ve been told I was fun to work for.”

“Based on what I remember of you, that’s probably a true statement.”

“I hired Kathleen while she was still finishing her degree. She had limited relevant experience. Neither did my campaign manager, who later became my chief of staff. We flew by the seats of our pants, coasting along, pulling off a huge upset in the primary. We all clicked, probably because none of us knew what the hell we were doing.”

“I wasn’t supposed to win my first election,” Caroline continued. “It still surprises me that I did. Once I started transitioning into office there was all this pressure to pick up aides with more experience, better education, more connections, whatever. But Katie and Jen had demonstrated such loyalty to me. I didn’t want to let them go.”

“Jen being Representative Whitcomb?”

“Yes. She’s gone too.” Caroline closed her eyes again, thinking of everyone she’d lost. She couldn’t bring herself to speak their names aloud. She’d betrayed them enough without daring to let those precious words pass her lips. “Almost everyone I love is dead.” She put her face in her hands and began to cry.

Natalie’s hand was on her shoulder again, and when she spoke her voice was uneven. “I’m sorry, Caroline. None of this is fair. But you don’t have to handle it alone.”

Caroline looked up at her. Natalie’s eyes were wet. “Aren’t you kind of blurring the doctor/patient relationship here?”

“I don’t care.” She knelt down next to her chair. “It might help if you think of me as more of a friend than a treatment provider. There aren’t enough words to convey how awful I feel about this. About everything that’s happened to this country, its people, its identity, its way of life. It is so incredibly unfair, and it’s hard to see the effect it’s had on people who were simply trying to do the right thing.”

Another subtle reference to Jack. It didn’t hurt as much as the others. Strange. “It wasn’t just us,” Caroline said. “A lot of people have suffered and will continue to suffer.”

“You’re the one I’m talking to now. Hence you’re the only one I’m concerned with.”

Caroline hung her head. “Why have you been so nice to me? I’ve been so shitty to you.”

“I know you’re a good person,” Natalie said. “No matter what you think about yourself. Your heart is pure.”

What an odd thing to say. Caroline stared down at her hands.

Natalie laughed softly. “You don’t take compliments very well, do you?”

Normally she’d find such perceptiveness impressive, but not while sitting in a therapist’s office. “Jack used to say the same thing.”

“I’m not going to pursue that,” Natalie said. “Don’t worry.”

“Thanks. But you should know I’m not pure. At all.”

“No one’s perfect. But you’re a better person than you think you are.”

Caroline sighed. “Can we talk about something other than me?”

“Okay. It’s not like this is your therapy session or anything. Want to talk baseball?”

“I love baseball. But I don’t think you want to hear about my obsession with sports.” Her ease with Natalie reminded Caroline of other times and other friends, especially the one they’d most recently discussed. “I’d like to talk about Katie some more,” she whispered.

Natalie pulled a chair closer to Caroline and sat down. “I’d prefer to sit here instead of behind my desk, if that’s okay.”

It seemed gauche for Caroline to point out that she preferred it that way, so maybe it was better to act nonchalant. “Okay.”

“What happened to Katie?”

“I don’t know where to start,” she said.

“When was the last time you saw her?”

Maybe Natalie could guide her along. Help her avoid the more precarious twists and turns. “It was a couple of weeks before Jack and I ran,” Caroline said. “I’d been talking to Jen, using code like I had with everyone else. She was still in Congress but knew she had a target on her back. Everyone did.” She put her head down. “Katie was with me in Harrisburg. We didn’t have much to do as things got hotter, so we’d sit around chatting all day, always avoiding difficult topics. You’d think that two people who were so close wouldn’t have a hard time discussing the hard stuff, but when push comes to shove sometimes you can’t say things out loud. But I’d heard rumors about what they were starting to do to dissidents like us. About what they’d do to people like Katie.” Caroline looked up at Natalie. “She was a lesbian,” she said. “In case you didn’t know that.”

Natalie smiled. “Jack might have mentioned it.”

Caroline let out a tiny laugh. “Didn’t want you to feel self-conscious? He and Christine were always a little uncomfortable discussing anything other than heterosexuality.” She laughed again. “Chrissy never liked to think about sex at all. She was such a prude.”

Natalie patted her hand. “That’s the first time you’ve said Senator Sullivan’s name without having a panic attack.”

Thinking about Christine hurt too much, which was why she tried not to do it. “Maybe you’re doing an okay job, then.”

“I doubt it. I think Jack told me mostly because we’d just met and he didn’t want to imply anything.”

Caroline smiled shyly. “He doesn’t always read people very well.”

“It seems like you had a lot of unusually close female friendships.”

Maybe Natalie was doing her fair share of implication herself. “I’ve never been attracted to women. I don’t care what other people do with their lives as long as they’re not hurting me. Who someone sleeps with is no measure of their character or worth as a human being. It bothers me when people make judgments like that.”

“I seem to remember you championing the rights of the oppressed quite frequently when you were in Congress.”

“I owed something to those who had a limited voice.”

“Is that part of the reason you kept Kathleen on your staff? To keep your perspective?”

“That and she was really flipping awesome.” Caroline smiled. “We used to have so much fun together.” Her eyes got damp again. “I miss that kid. I really, really do.”