Phoenix (16 page)

Schroeder waited a good thirty minutes before picking up the phone. “Major Gerard is here,” he said curtly, before hanging up. He turned to her. “The commander will see you now.”

Caroline entered Jack’s office, closing the door behind her. Jack was sitting at his desk. He already looked angry. “You’re late.”

“I was here at 8:40. Schroeder is a douche.”

“Sit down.”

She did as she was told, watching as he flipped through the report on his desk.

“Do you want to tell me why you attacked Corporal Buchanan in the cafeteria yesterday?” he asked. “Don’t give me any bullshit, either.”

This wasn’t going to be pretty. “Jack-”

“You will address me as Commander,” he said.

Shit. He wasn’t playing around. And it wasn’t like she hadn’t repeatedly demanded to be treated like just another soldier. Apparently he’d picked that morning to start listening to her.

“Commander,” she began. “He spoke ill of one of my colleagues.”

“And you, as an officer in this organization, felt it was appropriate to respond with violence?”

Maybe that had been too simplistic a description. “I-”

Jack read the report aloud. “‘Major Gerard exchanged words with Corporal Buchanan, punching him with a closed fist before kicking him in the legs. Buchanan placed his arms up to defend himself and Gerard threw him to the ground, continuing to assault him. This was done without his consent. Almost all of the witnesses indicated they had not seen Buchanan provoke Gerard in any way.’”

She didn’t remember much but that didn’t seem right at all. “That’s not quite how it happened,” Caroline said. “But you probably aren’t interested in the correct version of events.”

“The only people who contradicted this account were your three little buddies.”

“Don’t talk about them like that.”

“Fine. The men who went with you on your cross country journey to this installation. Objective witnesses, I’m sure.”

“They
are
objective. Unlike those soldiers who were sitting with Buchanan. I wouldn’t trust anything they said.”

Jack waved the paper around. “I don’t care. Do you think this is suitable behavior from a high ranking official?”

Well, shit. Wasn’t he doing a good job of making her feel chastened. “No,” Caroline mumbled.

“I gave you a position of some sensitivity because I believed you could handle it. Your trainers insisted you had natural leadership ability, which I already knew and which until yesterday you had demonstrated. You are making me seriously question my decision to grant you the rank of major. Clearly you are not in the proper mindset to handle dealing with conflict.”

She was the fallen angel, the reform school candidate sent to the principal’s office, the former respected public servant who’d gotten caught with her hand in the kitty. And she was unaccustomed to being on the receiving end of that level of disappointment. Jack was entirely correct. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Why did you hit Buchanan?”

Caroline hesitated, considering her words. “The man of whom he spoke is now deceased.”

Jack didn’t seem to care for that answer at all. “I see.”

Maybe she could talk her way out of this if she came across as genuinely remorseful. “I know my behavior was not appropriate,” she said. “I regret it. It won’t happen again.”

“There are penalties for violating our rules. You will not be receiving special treatment in this regard. Not anymore.”

She’d seriously fucked up. And she hadn’t even meant to do it, not entirely. Caroline started mentally packing her bags. “Am I kicked out?”

His voice softened. “No, you are not. But as of this moment you are relieved of your duties. You will not be allowed to continue in a leadership role until you are cleared by medical personnel.”

“I don’t understand,” she said.

“Major-” Jack pointed at the couch. “Caroline,” he corrected. “Come sit over here.”

She reluctantly moved over, twisting her hands in her lap. Jack sat down at the other end of the couch, keeping a safe, professional distance.

“Sweetheart,” he began.

His use of the endearment grated on her. Remorse gave way to anger and her temper flared. “Do you call all the officers that, or just me?”

Jack sighed loudly. “This is not an easy conversation for me.”

She didn’t give a shit. She had no desire to be there, either. “Try harder.”

He glared at her. “You know, you really have turned into a glacial bitch. Jesus.”

She deserved that one. But it smarted. Caroline looked down at her feet, not speaking. Jack scooted even further away from her on the couch.

“I’m sorry, Major,” he said. “I will not refer to you by anything other than your rank. Nor will I make judgments about your character or disposition.”

The detachment in his voice wounded her in places she didn’t think still existed. “I don’t – you can call me Caroline.”

“Look at me,” Jack said.

She caught his eye. He looked very sad. But he always looked that way when she was in the room.

“You need help,” he said. “You need to talk to someone about this. You cannot keep lashing out at people the way you have. You go from hot to cold and back again so quickly that no one can keep track of where you are. You have to find some way to keep yourself under control. If you cannot do that, you run the risk of being asked to leave this facility. I can’t keep making excuses for you. Is that what you want?”

It killed her to know that although she’d begged to be treated like any other recruit, people had been making exceptions for her anyway. And not in the ways that she expected. All because she couldn’t keep her head screwed on straight. “No, sir,” she said softly.

“Drop it, Caroline. Stop the hierarchical bullshit. Skip the pretense and talk to me.”

She rubbed her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m worried about you. I’m not the only one. You were in a bad place when you arrived here and you’re going downhill even further. But you have to let us help you. Understand?”

It sounded like she didn’t have much of a choice. “Yes.”

“You are required to consult with a doctor several times a week until she clears you to return to duty. You are to apologize to Corporal Buchanan and have no contact with him thereafter. You are to comport yourself in a manner consistent with that of an officer of your rank at all times. Am I clear?”

“Yes,” Caroline said. “I have to see a psychiatrist?”

“We don’t really have one here, but you will be meeting with one of our medical officers. I believe you’ve already met Natalie Haddad.”

Fuck
. She’d expected an administrative punishment but didn’t think she’d be thrown into therapy. Even if it was what she needed. “Jack, I don’t think-”

“Is there someone else you’d prefer to meet with? I assumed she made the most sense since you knew her already. I believe it would be better if you spoke with a female practitioner.”

Caroline didn’t want to admit that Natalie would have been the only one she’d agree to speak with, if she had to do it at all. “Dr. Haddad is fine.”

“You have your first session tomorrow.”

That soon? “Is she going to tell you what I say?”

Jack looked a little hurt. “I am not going to ask her to breach your trust. I want you to tell me those things yourself. I don’t want to have to hear about them from other people.” He moved closer to her on the couch, sneaking a glance at her gauze covered wrists. “You need help,” he said softly. “You need to work through this before you seriously harm yourself or someone else.”

She hugged herself, shifting her gaze. Hurting him was bad enough without having to look him in the face.

“What really went down yesterday?” he asked. “You’ve always had a temper but I have no way to account for how you acted.”

She sniffled. “I just snapped. I don’t know what came over me.”

Jack touched her wrists and she winced, but not from the pain. “Do you remember what happened when you got to my office?” he asked.

Wait, what? “I was in your office?”

He shook his head but didn’t look surprised. “Tell me what happened in the cafeteria.”

“I punched Buchanan, right? I assume he knocked me out too because the next thing I remember is waking up in bed. And I hurt like hell. How did he fuck up my wrists like that?”

Jack cursed. “He didn’t. You lost a huge chunk of time that you can’t even recall. That is a serious issue. It compromises your ability to do your job properly or even function normally on a day to day basis. Until you get better I am unable to let you continue in your current position.” He handed her the report. “You need to read this before you meet with Natalie because she’s going to ask about it. You can’t let anything like this happen again, understand? I won’t be able to let you stay here if you do. Not without some significant restrictions on where you can go and who you are allowed to interact with. Anyone else who behaved the way you did yesterday, to say nothing of when you first arrived, would have been kicked out already.”

Like she needed that insight right now. No matter what she did, she’d never be a normal person again. She’d always receive special treatment, whether good or bad. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry. I feel terrible about what has happened to you.”

She didn’t particularly need his sympathy either. Caroline shoved herself off the couch. “I don’t want your pity.”

“I don’t pity you.” His voice broke. “I love you.”

She stopped in her tracks. Those three words, that precious phrase she once yearned to hear from him. The one thing he hadn’t said to her yet, and he had to say it now. Caroline shook it off. “Are we finished here?”

Jack walked over to his desk. “I guess we are. You have your first session in Dr. Haddad’s office tomorrow at ten. Don’t be late.”

“I won’t,” she said. “I’d like to return to my quarters.”

“You are free to leave.” He gave her one final pained look. “Please let Natalie help you, Caroline. It’s so hard to see you this way.”

She couldn’t get sucked in. Couldn’t let him touch her with his hands or anything else. Someone like her didn’t deserve anything except complete and total segregation, from everyone and everything. Maybe he needed some reminding. “I’ll do whatever I have to do to get you off my ass so I can return to duty. If this is some sneaky ploy to win me back, it’s not going to work. That’s not going to happen. Ever. Stop trying so hard. It’s pathetic.”

It was amazing how quickly his face could turn to stone. “You’re dismissed, Major Gerard. Get out of my office.”

Caroline arrived at Natalie’s office at 9:45 the next morning. The door was locked. She sat down on the floor to wait, practicing her good attitude in case she needed to whip it out.

Five minutes later, Natalie came running down the hall. “I am so sorry,” she said breathlessly, pulling her keys out of her pocket. “I meant to get here much earlier.”

Caroline stood up and followed her inside. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. It’s very unprofessional. Don’t tell Jack.”

She didn’t even have his phone number. “We don’t speak much,” Caroline said. “I won’t.”

Natalie shut the door behind them. “Have a seat.” She opened up her backpack. “Want some water?”

Caroline took the bottle she was offered. “Sure.” She set it on the floor next to her chair, glancing around the room. “You hung up your diplomas, I see.”

Natalie’s face flushed. “I take a lot of pride in where I went to school.”

“So do I,” Caroline said. “Or, I did.” She scanned the framed documents. Stanford undergrad. UCLA Medical School. “Very impressive.”

“I’m not sure how much that matters anymore,” Natalie said. “Seems like they’re mostly fancy pieces of paper now.”

“I don’t even know where mine are. Probably at the bottom of a landfill, or burned in an incinerator, or bulldozed over.” Caroline turned to Natalie. “I assume the Pennsylvania Governor’s Mansion is completely destroyed, though I haven’t checked. At the very least, it’s been ransacked. The same is probably true of our houses in Philadelphia and Maryland. And on Capitol Hill.” She shook her head. So much unnecessary real estate.

“Does that bother you?”

“I try not to spend too much time thinking about it. I’m operating under the assumption that everything I owned from my house to my grandmother’s silverware is gone.”

“Everything?”

Filing an insurance claim was probably out of the question. “We have some money stashed somewhere. Or,” Caroline corrected, “Jack does.”

“You don’t think of it as yours?”

“Not really. I never did.” She wasn’t sure why she’d brought up that topic. She’d never enjoyed talking about finances but being around Natalie made her less likely to hold her tongue. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Yes,” Natalie said. “I’m sure you know why you’re here.”

“Because I got in trouble.”

Natalie laughed. “You certainly have a way with words.”

“I thought that was pretty simplistic, actually.”

“Not simplistic. Just direct. I appreciate your candor.”

Caroline shrugged. Natalie hadn’t seen anything yet. “I could describe it more colorfully, if you’d like.”

“How else would you phrase it?”

“I went batshit on Corporal Buchanan, according to the reports.”

“A more accurate description, yes. What did he do to make you react that way?”

“That’s nice how you assume I didn’t do it without provocation.”

“I read the reports,” Natalie said. “I’m not sure they paint the right picture. I believe it would take a lot for you to respond to someone in that manner.”

“Maybe this is my true identity. You don’t know.”

Natalie frowned. “What did he say to you? The reports weren’t very clear.”

Caroline crossed her arms. “So, has this session officially started?”

Natalie reflexively glanced at her watch. “I guess so.”

“What are we going to talk about?”

“Whatever you want.”

“What if I don’t want to talk about anything?”

“Then our time together will be very unproductive.”

Oh, she hadn’t lost her snark. The revelation comforted Caroline. “Why am I here?”

“You want to return to active duty, don’t you?”

“Do you always answer questions with other questions?”

Natalie smiled. “Do you?”

“Very funny. I’ve never wanted to talk before. What makes you think that’s changed?”

“Because I suspect, as does Jack, that you’re actually willing to open up. Maybe not to him but to someone else.”

Someone else.
Sure. “You.”

“Yes.” Natalie had the grace to blush. “He thought our personalities might click.”

Caroline looked down at her feet and didn’t say anything.

“You don’t have a choice,” Natalie pointed out. “Unless you want to bribe me.”

“Can you be bribed?”

“No.”

“Well, shit.”

“It’s not going to be that bad, Caroline. I promise.”

“Are you going to run off and tell my husband everything I say in here?”

Natalie gave her the same look Jack had. “No. I am not going to betray your confidence. Everything you tell me in here is private.
Everything
,” she emphasized. “I’m going to advise him when I think you can safely return to work. You, on the other hand, are free to discuss our sessions with anyone you wish.”

“Meaning Jack.”

“Anyone,” Natalie said firmly. “I’m not going to blab to him and I know you probably won’t either. I told him not to get his hopes up.”

It seemed like Natalie and Jack had been discussing her quite a bit. Caroline wasn’t sure how she felt about that. “I really don’t want to talk about him.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t.”

“Do you blame him for what’s happened?”

Shit. That can of…whatever was going to stay hidden in the back of the pantry until it disappeared. “Natalie-”

“He and I had a few sessions ourselves.”

Caroline definitely hadn’t expected her to say that. “Jack has been in therapy?”

“I wouldn’t call it that. I’m not a therapist. It was just a few times. He took it quite hard after we received a series of records from The Fed last year.” Natalie paused, searching for the right words. “He had a difficult time processing it. Jack hadn’t been here that long when our agents came back with what we thought was confirmation that you were dead. He almost left the compound. When he first came to talk to me he was devastated.”

“I see.”

“He’s also chatted with me a few times since you showed up here.”

Full therapy sessions surprised her. Little snippets of conversation didn’t. “That’s nice.”

“I get the impression you two had a very passionate, intense relationship.”

Caroline tapped a finger on her cheek. “Christ, he just had to tell you how much I used to put out, didn’t he?”

Natalie was trying very hard not to laugh. “He didn’t mention your sex life, but thanks for validating my theory as to what he meant.”

This was not funny. “How much do you know about my relationship with Jack?”

“Enough to know that he was deeply, desperately in love with you.”

No, she was definitely not comfortable with Natalie’s acquisition of information about her. “I’m thrilled that my husband told you all my secrets.”

“He never said anything too personal. You’re the one who made that intuitive leap. Jack’s still in love with you. Everyone on this base knows it. You must know it too.”

Caroline shook her head. “Whatever.”

Natalie seemed perturbed by her response. “Why do you keep treating him so terribly?”

“I try not to talk to him at all.” She closed her eyes. This was a very uncomfortable conversation, and one that she definitely didn’t want to have with a virtual stranger. Even one who seemed so easy to connect with. “Is the way I respond to him that obvious?”

“I’d say so. I know you’re angry with him but maybe you could be a little nicer, even if it’s purely superficial. He’s a good man, Caroline.”

And how exactly had Natalie figured that out? More intimate conversations? “Stop trying to build him up. My marriage is none of your business.”

“I know it isn’t. But the first few times he spoke to me he thought it had ended.”

“It has.”

“Caroline-”

If Caroline was forced to talk about her feelings, she sure as hell wasn’t going to open up about her husband. Not to anyone. “You’re not our couples counselor. You need to shrink me so I can get back to work. I’d like to know what he told you about me. Otherwise I’ll be paranoid. You want me to open up to you, right?”

Natalie smiled. “Nice try. Jack told me you liked to be challenged. I see you give as good as you get.”

Caroline knew barely anything about this doctor who seemed to know far too much about her. “What else has he told you about me?”

Natalie fiddled with the pen in her hand. “Enough,” she whispered. “But not all that much. I did a little research to get a better feel for your background and I have personal recollections. But he was right.”

“You can tell that much about me already?”

“Yup.”

“I don’t want to be challenged.”

“I think you do.”

“That might have been who I was before, but it isn’t who I am now.”

Natalie grinned broadly. “Yet.”

Caroline rolled her eyes. This girl was a piece of work. “I want to know what Jack said about me. About us.”

Natalie laughed. “Trying to catch me with my guard down, huh? Very sneaky.”

A highly intelligent piece of work. “Did I succeed?”

“Nope. Can’t tell you more than I already have. Not without his permission. I cleared a few things with him yesterday, but not a lot. I’m sure he’d rather tell you himself.”

“I have a right to know what he said about me, privacy rules be damned.”

“Maybe you should talk to him about it.”

Push push push. Had her husband put Natalie up to this? “That won’t be happening for a while,” Caroline said. “Probably not ever.”

“He gave me a hazy idea of how the two of you were separated. It had to have been traumatic for you.”

Oh, no. No way. “That topic is absolutely off limits, no matter what Jack said to you.”

“It might help to talk about it.”

“No, it wouldn’t.”

“You showed tremendous courage. Both in the woods and while you were being questioned by the government.”

The doctor delved deeper, unaware that she’d soon reach a field of stone. “Stop pushing, Natalie. I’m about to walk out the door.”

“You shouldn’t be mad at yourself.”

“And you shouldn’t be pressing me,” Caroline said, tugging at the sleeves of her sweater.

“Your anger, your sadness, your frustration – it’s all normal,” Natalie said softly. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

Caroline could distract herself. Ignore the words. She focused on her boots. On the tight laces. On the fresh coat of polish. On the deep blue color of her jeans. The sweater whose sleeves she was practically tearing off. At least she wasn’t destroying a perfectly good uniform. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Please.”

“Okay,” Natalie said. “Let’s refocus on Buchanan. What did he say to you?”

Caroline took a deep breath. “He was sitting at a table in the cafeteria, eating lunch. He saw me. Glared at me, really.”

Natalie grinned. “You did break his jaw during your first encounter.”

This girl sure smiled a lot. “You seem to find that incident amusing.”

“I do. He’s got a buck fifty on you and you still managed to beat the crap out of him before he caught you off guard.”

“He has a hundred pounds on me. Maybe.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Natalie said. “Head to head, all things being equal, you’d always have an athletic and intellectual advantage. That bugs the hell out of him.”

She hadn’t spent too much time dwelling on it. “I wouldn’t know. I try to avoid him.”

“What did he say to you the other day?”

Talking about that asshole Buchanan was infinitely easier than talking about Jack. “I was going to ignore him but I couldn’t. He was joking with some guys at the table with him. I wanted to make it clear to him that I don’t go for rumor mongering and petty bullshit. He told me that Gabe was a pussy and I was a cunt who couldn’t train her men properly.” Caroline gritted her teeth. “I hate that word.”

“The ‘c’ word?”

She didn’t much care for Buchanan calling Gabe a pussy, but now wasn’t the time to get into a discussion of how the term was used as a pejorative to imply that perceived femininity was an undesirable trait in either gender. “Yeah.”

“I don’t care for it either.”

One point in the grinning doctor’s favor. Should she keep a tally? “It was more than that. I used to hear that word all the time and never punched anyone. I got in his face, wanting to show him that he didn’t intimidate me, but he whispered something else and I snapped. I felt this blinding, uncontrollable rage and before I knew it I was on top of him, punching him as hard as I could.”

“It took five guys to pull you off him. Do you remember?”

Five
? “I remember Crunch, Gig, and Jones being there. I can’t recall anything else until I woke up in my room later.”