Phoenix (20 page)

crisscrossed in his lap.

“I’m not saying it to make you feel bad, babe. It’s just, you

asked and I’m telling you,” he said, looking up and

smoothing his hand along Blake’s cheek and through his

hair with a sad smile.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with it,” Blake said, feeling

his voice wanting to crack under it. “The dysphoria and all

the bullying. I know it sucks so bad and it’s something I

never wanted to bring you into.”

“I knew what I was going into, Blake,” Ethan said in a

kind tone. “I knew from the second I fell in love with you

that you were trans, even before that. Long before that. And

we’re doing everything we can to change that. I just wish it

could go faster, is all. I can’t wait for your surgery and for

the name change to be approved.”

“Yeah, I wish it could, too,” Blake said with a sigh,

leaning into Ethan’s hand. “Hey, at least I pass, right?” he

said with a humorless laugh.

“Yeah…but lately people have been coming up to me and

asking if this means I’m straight now, and I hate that,” Ethan

explained, obviously being careful with his words. Blake

sighed and shut his eyes, thinking that over for a moment. “I

hate being labeled as something I’m not.”

“I’m sorry,” Blake sighed, guilt stabbing him in the chest,

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the pain radiating down into his stomach.

“Babe, it’s not your fault your body isn’t what it should

be,” Ethan replied, his tone warming up as he ran his palm

up Blake’s bicep. “I love you just the way you are. You’re

amazing. It’s not your fault you got dealt a shitty hand when

it came to being one gender or the other. It’s just hard to deal

with sometimes, I’ll be okay.”

“It’s easier to blame me than blame biology. I’m more

easily held accountable,” Blake said in despair, leaning over

into Ethan, resting his head on his shoulder.

“But you’re not accountable at all, Blake. This isn’t your

fault, stop trying to make it like it is, okay?” Ethan said,

running his fingers through Blake’s hair the way he always

did when he knew he was getting worked up. It was one of

the only ways to ease the tension from Blake’s body, and it

worked like a charm. “I’m not saying any of this to work

you up or make you feel guilty. I’m just talking, okay?”

“I know, but I feel awful,” Blake said, lifting his head and

looking at Ethan with a sad expression in his eyes. “You

deserve to be with someone that you can proudly say ‘that’s

my boyfriend’ without the disclaimer of ‘oh, he’s also

transgendered’ and then having to explain all the things that

come with it, you know? You deserve someone who’s not

like me.”

“Stop that right now,” Ethan said in a stern tone, tilting

his head up and kissing Blake firmly. “I love you, I want to

be with you, and you’re amazing to me. So stop trying to

make it seem like you’re this horrible person for something

that you can’t even control.”

Blake fell silent, keeping his eyes on Ethan and keeping

the frown on his face as he processed what he’d said. He still

felt this heavy weight in the pit of his stomach, like

something still wasn’t quite right.

“I love you,” Blake finally said, leaning up and pressing

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their lips together, assuring himself that despite Ethan’s

dysphoria, he still wanted to be right there with him.

“I love you, too,” Ethan murmured against his lips before

pulling away. Blake opened his eyes, hearing Ethan’s phone

go off.

“Hello?” Ethan answered it. There was a pause where

Blake could hear some quick speaking. “What? Oh shit.”

There was another pause and Ethan’s brows furrowed in

worry. He took a deep breath before replying, “Mom, calm

down. It’s gonna be okay. I’m sure he’s gonna be fine.”

There was another pause and Ethan bit his full bottom lip.

“What? You need me to come home
now
? You think I’m

gonna be back before Monday? Okay, okay, take a breath.

I’m sure Matt’ll be okay, just…let me call you right back.

Okay? I’ll call you back. Okay, I love you, too. Bye, Mom.”

“What’s wrong?” Blake asked when Ethan put his phone

in his lap. Ethan looked deeply sad and fraught with a whole

new kind of worry.

“Matt got into a car wreck and he’s in critical condition,”

Ethan explained. Matt was Ethan’s little brother, and he was

the happiest guy Blake had ever met. He’d never picked on

him even though Ethan liked to pick on Matt. He was just

all-around a good kid.

“Oh shit, you think he’s gonna be okay?” Blake asked in

fraught earnest, leaning forward and putting his palm on

Ethan’s shoulder. Now he was going to be worried sick

about Ethan and his brother all weekend.

“I hope so. Mom wants me to come home for a couple

days to keep her company and visit him, but I don’t know if

I’m gonna be back in time for your surgery,” Ethan said, the

conflict evident in his voice.

“Babe, go. If your family needs you, then go. I’ll be here

when you get back,” Blake said, squeezing his shoulder

gently before wrapping him up in a tight hug, rocking him

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gently and cupping the back of his neck. He felt like a switch

had flipped in his head Despite the fact that he wanted

Ethan to stay, he knew it’d be selfish so he pushed down his

own feelings and assured his boyfriend instead, “It’s gonna

be okay.”

“I hope so,” Ethan murmured, hugging him back tightly

and burying his face in Blake’s shoulder. “I’ll do my best to

be back in time for your surgery, okay? I promise. I will be

there for it.”

“Do what you need to do, Ethan. If you can’t, I

understand,” Blake told him. “I will, promise,” Ethan said,

pulling back from the tight hug and kissing him firmly

before lacing their fingers together and beginning to fret. “I

need to call her back and let her know, get a plane ticket,

pack up… Fuck, will you help me?”

“Of course I will, babe,” Blake said, kissing Ethan once

more before standing and helping his boyfriend up from the

ground, leading him to his dorm as Ethan dialed his

mother’s number and told that he’d be home as soon as he

possibly could. He couldn’t help but hear the pleasure in

Ethan’s mother’s voice.

His mind wandered as he helped Ethan pack. The dorm

he shared with Dominic was thankfully empty around them.

That was the last thing either of them needed right now. His

mind wandered as he folded Ethan’s clothes, glad he had

something to do to distract himself as he mulled over

everything. Would he be okay if Ethan wasn’t there for his

surgery?

He supposed he didn’t have much of a choice in it. He

wasn’t going to ask Ethan to flake out on his family for him.

No way. He had to be okay with it. He’d just ask Riley or

Devon to come with him, or maybe he could just go by

himself.

Now that’d be a great feat, wouldn’t it?

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love you so much, be safe,” Blake told Ethan as he

“I kissed him one more time before letting him get in line

for security. This was one of the many times he wished he

could go with his partner to the gate and be with him until

the end. Hell, he wanted to cancel his surgery and go with

Ethan, but he’d already shut that idea down hard.

“I love you, too, and I will, babe, I promise,” Ethan said,

kissing him back and brushing his palm along Blake’s cheek

before turning and beginning to walk. Blake felt an achy

emptiness as he watched Ethan turn and smile sadly at him,

waving before stepping past that point of no return.

Blake prayed he’d be back by Monday as he waved

goodbye.

The drive and walk back to his dorm was a blur. He felt

empty as he settled down on his dorm bed without Ethan

there. There weren’t even any classes he could bullshit

himself into reading for, and the fact that he didn’t have that

distraction was frustrating. Instead, he hung his head and

ran his fingers through his hair, pressing the heels of his

palms into his temples to try and quiet the ‘what if’s.

His head snapped up when he heard his door open, but

he relaxed when he saw Devon stepping in and shutting the

door behind him. Riley still had one more class, Blake idly

noted, so of course Devon was by himself.

“Hey,” Devon greeted him, and Blake just shot him a

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tight smile. He saw the confusion and concern flash in

Devon’s eyes as he came over and sat beside him. “You all

right?”

“I guess,” Blake replied with a shrug, not feeling

particularly social right now. He didn’t feel like talking to

anyone. Maybe it’d be better than holing himself away and

brooding, mindfucking himself, though.

“What’s goin’ on, man?” Devon asked, voice the perfect

mix of comfort and concern for the moment. Blake let out a

long-suffering sigh and lifted his eyes to his roommate’s.

“I scheduled my top surgery over Spring Break,” he told

him. Confusion furrowed Devon’s brows for a moment

before he seemed to realize what he was talking about.

Maybe Devon forgot that he even needed that surgery?

That’d be cool.

“Oh yeah? That’s awesome, dude,” Devon said, still

confused as he tried to reconcile something so good with his

obviously depressed mental state. “Then why does it look

like someone ran over your cat?”

“Well, Ethan’s little brother got into a car crash, and he

went home this weekend to take care of his mom until his

brother’s okay,” Blake explained. “So I’m afraid he’s not

going to be able to be there for the surgery.”

“Why’d he go?” Devon asked him, sounding surprised

that he’d agreed to do it even though Blake’s surgery was

close.

Blake gave a humorless smile, shaking his head. “Because

I told him to,” he said with a nod. “I’d rather him be home

with his family. It’d be selfish to ask him to stay here for me

when his mother’s probably a fucking wreck. They need him

more than I do.”

“You are one selfless son of a bitch,” Devon replied, awe

and amusement in his tone and in his face as he shook his

head. “I would have begged and pleaded with him to stay if

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I was in your shoes.”

“I wanted to. I wanted to so fucking bad,” Blake admitted,

scratching at the back of his head with a soft sigh. “But I

knew it was the right thing to let him go. I figure he’ll be

back by the time I have to start my aftercare, and that’s the

part that really matters.”

“I guess. Anyone else going with you the morning of the

surgery?” he asked, and Blake shook his head. Devon looked

thoughtful for a moment. “I could, y’know, come with you if

you want. I can even drag Riley, y’know, for moral support

or whatever?”

Blake smiled, gratitude blossoming on his face as he

nodded, clapping his hand on Devon’s shoulder. “Thanks,

dude. I’d really appreciate that,” he said. “Hell, we’d even

rented a hotel room for spring break since we can’t come

back to the dorms after Monday afternoon.”

“You guys can still use it, or you can ‘til he gets back. It’s

not like he’s gonna be gone forever, Blake,” Devon verbally

knocked the sense back into him.

“Right…right, I knew that,” Blake said, shaking his head

at himself. He was acting like it was the end of the world

and he’d never see his boyfriend again. It was a couple days,

he could survive, right?

Devon broke into his thoughts again with his monologue,

“Y’know, I’d stick around, too, after the surgery, but I have a

flight out to NorCal that afternoon, and Andy’ll kick my ass

if I’m not at the airport when I told him to.”

“I just need someone to drive me back from the hospital.

You know what Riley’s doing over break?” Blake asked,

wanting to change the subject. He was still feeling heaviness

in his stomach and an ache in his chest. He couldn’t believe

he missed Ethan so much already and he’d only been gone

for an hour or so.

“I think he’s going to visit his family in the city or

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something. He was kinda vague about it,” Devon said with a