Personal Experiences (12 page)

I could see his point on this and I really didn't want to have any contact with TJ because I knew how he felt and he would give up everything if he had to and that wasn't an option.

Thinking about how much I loved TJ there wasn't any other option. I had to go through with this not just for him but for me, so that I wouldn't give into him when he would attempt to talk me out of this. I knew whenever I would go, wherever I would end up, he'd end up finding me and talking me back into his arms and then we would be right back to the image I had when the doctor told me I was pregnant. This had to happen and it had to be with Bear. TJ would feel so betrayed, so angry he'd write us both off…that's at least what I was hoping.

"Ok Bear, you've got a deal."

"Holy shit, this is gonna happen isn't it, Elle?" Rachel replied right after me like she thought this was an April fool's joke.

"Sure as shit, Rach" was Bear's exclamation as he jumped up and froze.

"When we gonna do this, I think it better be soon seein how's your gonna be showin shortly."

"Well one thing at a time. We have to get Rachel and TJ off to school and then we can take care of everything. I guess we kinda need a story too don't we?"

"I guess we should think of one, people might get suspicious."

Rachel rolled her eyes and uncrossed her legs and stood straight out of her chair and began "Good God ya'll, me and TJ left for school, you two were lonely, ya'll got together. Simple as that."

"See, there's a reason why you're my best friend."

Just about this time I heard a soft knock on the door and tender eyes that I had grown to care about more than myself peeked around the corner.

"Is it ok to come in?"

"Of course Darlin, please come in"; I told TJ as I saw Rachel and Bear whispering in the corner.

"We are gonna take off babe, but I'm glad that you're finally getting over this food poisoning, I'll see ya at home." Rachel said winking as she bent down to hug me. I caught on quickly at that. I told them both thank you for the visit and they left.

"So, food poisoning huh?"

"Ummmm…ya, they should be letting me out today, I'm ready to go home."

"Me too. Well, I'm ready for you to be home, that is."

"Ya." I wanted to drop this subject and quickly, I was never a good liar and when I did attempt to lie I seemed to shrug my nose, he told me that was how he knew I was lying, I needed to quickly changed the subject.

"How's the packing going?"

"All done, except for the bag of dirty clothes I have for these next two days. Momma says she's going to wash them for me and then UPS them to me." He chuckled softly. "I think I will be just fine without one bag of clothes."

I could feel the tension in the room, I was scared to talk as to not give anything away and he was scared to talk because he knew something just wasn't right with me.

I felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart and wouldn't pull the blade out, they just kept pushing further and further into my chest, it was taking everything in me not to burst out and cry.

There wasn't anything more in life that I would have wanted then to have something that was a part of me and a part of him growing inside me, something that was made by two people that were so in love with each other that they would die for one another. I would want him or her to know all about that love. To see that love grow not only for him or her but for us as a family, but that wouldn't happen; not now, not ever.

I didn't think I could go through with this, I didn't think that I would be able to keep this from him. Just as I was about to let him in on everything; the pregnancy, me marrying Bear. Just then I heard a rasp on the door.

"It's only me" I heard my dad say before he came in with a large grin on his face.

"Well, Dr. Robbins is letting you go. He's filling out your discharge papers as we speak."

He caught eyes with TJ and nodded as he walked over to me to plant a small kiss on my forehead.

"Wonderful" I replied through an artificial smile and as little feeling as possible.

TJ clapped his hands together; "That's great Elle! Is there anything you want me to take, I can grab some things and bring'em over. You know I leave in three days so I'd like to spend as much time as I can with you."

"Nah, I think I'm good. If you'd like, you can go ahead on over to the house, we should be there shortly. You can find out what Clara made for dinner and call to give me a head's up…I'm ready for some home cooking."

Giving a little chuckle," Yep, I can see you're feelin better; already thinkin ‘bout food" my dad replied.

TJ closed in on me, gave me a soft kiss on the lips and I couldn't hold back anymore. Luckily he turned his back to me and headed out the door.

"Baby-"

"Daddy, it's for his own good."

"Is it now?"

"You know he'll end up resenting me for holding him back"

"He'll end up resenting you for not telling him he has a child."

"So either way I lose. How can I pick? I feel I am doing what is right in my heart for him"

"I know you are and I have to say that I admire you for that."

"Well, there's something you don't know. Rachel and Bear came and saw me this afternoon and Bear and I have come to a… ummmm… an arrangement.

Daddy grabbed a chair and pushed it closer to the bed; "Oh?"

"Yeah, he's going to marry me and raise the baby as his own, that way TJ will never find out about this."

"Elleny, I don't think-"

"It doesn't matter what you think daddy. I agreed to it, this is going to happen. I'm marrying Willie "Bear" Jackson."

I sat up on the side of the bed and tried to get up but whether it was the dizziness from being dehydrated or from being broken inside, I sat back on the bed and sobbed silently. The only way my dad knew I was crying was from seeing my body shake.

"Elleny-"

"Daddy, can I just be alone for a minute. I just need some time to myself."

He exhaled because he knew I had made up my mind; "Sure baby, I'll just take your things down to the car." Grabbing the bag of my clothes from the day I entered the hospital and the two flower arrangements that were there when I woke up, my dad headed to the door "Elleny, I just have one more thing to say, I'm gonna say it then head down to the car and not bring it up again. What you're doing takes an immense amount of courage. Courage people your age don't necessarily have. I know you're scared beyond existence, Honey because of a future that not only you have no control over for yourself, but now, for that sweet innocent grandchild of mine that you're carryin'. What you are doin is so beyond selfless that it amazes me. The ones who don't know what you're about to do, don't get to appreciate it for what it really is; they don't even realize the gifts they are missing out on seeing…but I know, so do you; don't ever forget that. Do not let anyone try and put you down about it either and most importantly, don't ever forget why you're doing it. I am so honored that you are my daughter. You're momma is looking down on you right at this moment and is beaming with pride for you. I want you to know that I love you and am so pleased that you have become the woman you have become…a spittin image of your momma."

With that, he walked out of the room and I sat there, alone, having lost my best friend who will be leaving for college, the love of my life, whom didn't know it yet and lost what I knew as my life.

But what made it all better was I knew that eventually, I would have a piece of me with TJ's eyes and his brown hair and my smile that looked at me every day of her or his life like I looked at TJ, with all the love in the world and that would be enough to get me through.

* * *

Standing out in front of Rachel's house I didn't know how to feel. I said goodbye to her, hugged and cried a little more then I should've, but I totally blamed that on the hormones. I told her I would call her and then I whispered in her ear how I was sorry she would have to miss the big day but I would think about her. She nodded to me but didn't say anything, this was as hard for her as it was for me. She was gone, just like the fog in the early morning, one minute it's there and the next; gone. I was excited for her, but yet I felt like my world was crashing around me. I had no future; the future I had been planning since I started kindergarten was now not even an option. My best friend, since I was four, who I could not remember going a day without seeing, was off and moving away and tomorrow the man I loved since I was in second grade was leaving my life for good…forever. And what made me even sicker was he didn't even have a clue about it. I had to distance myself without making it noticeable that I was distancing myself.

Talk about serious cluster fuck!

Since I left the hospital, two days ago, he has been with me almost twenty-four, seven. He would come to the house early in the morning, crawl up in my bed and hold me and just talk about what he was looking forward to when he went away to school and then telling me how he would be counting down the days until Thanksgiving when we would be back together for four whole days. Then there was Christmas; I just laid there, head tucked nice and tight underneath his chin his smell just encircling me, my warm breath blowing back in my face and I just took it in. Every breath, every smell every touch, the sound of his Georgian accent how his" –ing's" were short a "G". I memorized it all. To him, it was all about the comfort of knowing there would be a tomorrow, for me it was all about the knowing there wouldn't be one. I held tight to what I could hold for today.

We'd get out and head to breakfast either grabbing something quick and lite from Clara or he'd take me into town to a restaurant. Then we'd find something to do either walk the streets of town or just go out to a field, jam the radio and make love in the back of his truck. I thrived for every touch, every kiss. I had to get my fill, but it seemed like it was never enough.

Finally, the day had arrived.

I drove to his house early in the morning. The day had already started rough seeing as I was throwing up all night, I knew I couldn't miss this. I pulled up to his drive and saw that his truck was already set to go and already warming up. I opened up the driver's side door and stuck two gifts, beautifully wrapped in my favorite color wrapping paper and an envelope that said "Open at purchaser's discretion". I crawled back out and went to the front door and rang the doorbell.

"Morning, Mrs. McHale" I said to TJ's momma who looked like she hadn't slept all night.

Wiping away at her eyes, like she was trying to catch the tears before they fell she whispered "Sweetie, what am I to do…my baby boy is…is…" and there they were, falling again. I hugged her tightly as tears came to my eyes as well; Ahhhh, fuck off hormones! "It's ok Mrs. McHale, he'll be back in just a few weeks."

"I know, it's just really hard. I bet your daddy's happy as a lark that you decided to stay and help him with his practice for a year."

"Yes ma'am, he is but yet he feels he's holding me back as well." I replied as I came up with that little ditty on the fly.

As we hugged, I heard TJ coming down the stairs laughing loudly and boldly.

"Now, now I can't have my two best girls cryin like this as I pull away, I will be a nervous wreck driving, worryin bout ya'll".

"Hey Honey," I said as I wrapped him in a hug, pleading with my hormones that if they leave me the fuck alone for the next thirty minutes they can come out to play for the rest of the day. They listened for about three. Walking him out to the car his momma under his arm, I followed them out and let him say goodbye to her. Then she left and let us have our time.

Pushing my hair back from my face he stared into my eyes; "Elle, I'm gonna call you tonight, k?"

"I know you'll be busy, just text me and let me know you arrived safely. Get settled, meet your roomies and get back with me when you get a chance. I'm not your first priority anymore." I couldn't look him in his face anymore, I couldn't stare into his eyes, I had to pull my eyes down at my fingers messing with his t-shirt pulling at the bottom of it and rolling it up. "Have fun. Remember I will see you in a coupl'a weeks and we will have fun making up for the time apart" I said in a flirtatious way as I winked. This was the hardest thing I ever had to say and I can't believe I made it through without crying…YAY Hormones!!!

"Ok sounds good." He kissed me deep and passionate and I ate it up. Wanting this kiss to never end I lingered slowly and teasingly on his lips and he fell for it until he had to go.

"Baby, I put two gifts in your truck. One you can open any time after tonight. The second one you can open any time after you get to missing home, I mean REALLY missing home; it will help with the nostalgia. The envelope; please don't open it until after your first day of school. Promise me you will follow these instructions"

"Ok, I promise, but the one I can open tonight better be a picture of you wearing nothing at all."

"Ha-ha, Mr. McHale, you'll have to see. You drive safe baby and remember always" I got up close and I ran my palm over his cheek, looked him directly into his eyes as though I was looking into his soul…"I am anchored to you forever, Trevor McHale."

The smile left his face and his eyes became serious and he placed his hand over mine that was still against his face and he replied "love you, babe."

As he hopped up into his truck, he turned around quickly; "Oh hey Elle, you'll always be my first priority". I smiled and lifted my hand in acknowledgement; quietly I whispered to myself "not anymore" and watched him pull out. He had no idea that he would never be seen by me again. I would never hear his voice again. I got in my car and drove faster than I had ever drove before. I ran red lights, I didn't care; my life was over. I have no idea how, but I made it to my driveway…once I got there I put the car in park and screamed as loud as I could until I had no voice left and cried until I had no more tears left to cry.

Chapter Six

Present Day