Perfect for You (20 page)

Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, but it’s not a rejection. “Because I can’t keep it inside anymore. You deserve to know how I feel.”

“Why? Did you think if you told me you love me, I’d forget everything that happened and we could get back together? Be like we were before?” The hurt on his face crushes my heart, squeezes it like a lemon.

“No. I know I screwed up. I know I hurt you. But, Ash, that’s just it. I was screwed up. I let what happened with Derrick control me. I liked Noah’s attention because it made me feel better about myself. I was weak for allowing that to happen, but I’m not doing that anymore. I know what I did was wrong, and that’s not the person I want to be.”

Ash tosses his helmet on the bench. “You could’ve told me about Derrick. It would’ve saved us both a lot of hurt.” This is the difference between Ash and Noah. Ash wanted to know everything while we were dating. He wanted all of me, good and bad. Every emotion. Every memory. Noah only cared about the here and now.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you. I almost did so many times. But I’m over it now. I’m me again. Only there’s no point in finally being able to move past Derrick and be okay if I can’t be with you. All I can think about are our trips to Horseshoe Lake and the way it feels when you kiss me. The way you can look at me and make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world.” My throat burns with tears. I’m pouring my heart out to him, yet by the look on his face I can see I’m losing him. I have to do something. I step toward him, reaching for his face.

“Meg, don’t.” He backs away again. “I can’t. Not now. This is a lot to take in. Too much. You can’t just kiss me and make it all better. It doesn’t work that way.”

Again, he’s not Noah. The fact that he wants to understand what happened only makes me love him more. But, at the same time, him pushing me away instead of wrapping his arms around me is tearing me apart inside. I can’t push him. Can’t force him to forgive me just like that. I need to be patient. “I understand. You need time.”

“I need—”

“Ash!” Liz runs onto the field with a huge smile on her face. She jumps into his arms, pressing her lips to his. My heart stops. They’re together again. I don’t know when that happened. Maybe at the pre-game party last night. But
when
doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I’m too late.

I turn and run off the field, trying to get as far away as possible before my tears consume me.

Chapter Twenty-Four

My feet pound on the grass. My legs are moving so fast I can’t stay in control of them. I fall, sobbing into the ground. Grayson catches up and wraps her arms around me.

“It’s okay, Meg. It’ll be okay.”

“Get me out of here,” I choke out. I can’t be here. I can’t be anywhere near Ash and Liz. If I see them again, see her lips pressed against his, my heart will explode.

Grayson pulls me to my feet, and we run to the car. She’s got the doors unlocked already, and we jump inside. I click my seat belt and lean my head back, letting the tears streak down my cheeks. Grayson screeches the tires as we speed out of the parking lot. She wants to drive around for a while, talk about what happened, try to help me figure out what went wrong, but I can’t relive that experience.

“Please, take me home. I just want to go home.”

Grayson gives in. She doesn’t say another word until we pull into my driveway. She cuts the engine and looks at me. “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have made you talk to him. I feel like an idiot for not knowing he and Liz got back together.”

“Don’t.” I put my hand up. I can’t listen to this. It’s too much. “It’s not your fault. I want to be alone though, okay?”

She nods. “Sure. I’ll call you later.”

Mom and Dad are out. They had plans to go to some couples spa today. God, I’d give anything to be able to go to some fruity couples spa with Ash. Mom and Dad might be cheesy and all lovey dovey, but I’m completely jealous of their relationship. I had that with Ash. I lost it, and I have no chance of getting it back. Ash will be doing that kind of stuff with Liz now.

I run to my bed and bury my head in my pillow. I scream until my lungs ache. I cry until my throat and eyes burn. Then I stare at my ceiling for hours. Not moving. Finally, I get out of bed, needing to see Ash’s face. I grab my photo box from under my bed. It’s full of pictures of Ash and me. But not just pictures. My necklace. The garnet and diamond necklace Ash gave me for our five-month anniversary. I put it on and look at myself in the mirror. This is all I have left of him. Of us.

I double over, grabbing the edge of my dresser, and cry myself to sleep in a ball on the floor. I wake up four hours later to Mom shaking me lightly.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Her eyes are wide, and she looks scared. Scared for me.

This is so much worse than when Derrick cheated on me. My God, I never thought I’d get over that. How stupid could I be? I didn’t even love Derrick. I love Ash. I lost the first guy I ever loved, and the pain is so intense I can barely breathe.

“Mom—” I can’t get any more out. I break down and cry while she cradles me in her arms. Dad comes in, but Mom shakes her head at him. He mouths “I love you” to me and walks out, letting Mom handle this.

“This is about Ash, right?” She knows me well. Even though she met Noah and she knows he and I dated for a little while, she can tell I never let go of Ash. “I know love when I see it, honey, and that boy loved you. I doubt he’s over you this soon.”

“He’s with her again. Liz. I tried to tell him how I feel, and he kissed her.”

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” She rocks me until I can’t cry anymore. My eyes are dry and so puffy I can barely see. She brings me to the bathroom and runs the water in the shower. She brushes my hair aside and reaches for my necklace.

“No!” I step back, holding the necklace in my palm so she can’t touch it. Her eyes widen in alarm. “It’s all I have left of him.”

“Okay.” She holds her hands up. “Keep it on.” She steps out of the bathroom, giving me some privacy.

I get undressed and step into the shower, turning the water to the hottest setting. I want to be numb. I don’t want to feel anything but the scorching hot water. I let it run over me for as long as I can stand it. It burns and I’m turning red, but feeling anything other than the pain of losing Ash is an improvement.

Mom knocks on the door. “Are you okay in there?”

That’s my cue to get out. “I’m fine.” No, I’m not. I’m so far from fine. It’s going to take a lot more than a scalding hot shower to make me okay.

***

The next week is the longest and most torturous one of my life. I refuse to see anyone until school on Monday. Gray gives me time to myself because she knows I need it, and she shows up on my doorstep Monday morning with coffee and a hug. She shields me from Ash and Liz and talks to me about States. Our final match is Saturday. One week after my heart was broken again.

By Thursday I’m not a walking zombie anymore. I’m not going to blow States over this. I’ll never forgive myself. I learned from the whole Derrick situation. No one is worth losing myself over, and tennis is part of who I am. I owe it to myself to get my head on straight for the match. Coach Moyers even comments at practice that I’m looking a lot better. There’s really nothing worse than when your coach pities you, but I do appreciate that he cares.

Grayson and I stay late at practice on Friday and Noah stops by. The second I see him approaching the courts, I drop my racket. Not now. I can’t deal with this right now. He walks over with his hands shoved in his pockets. On anyone else, that gesture would look shy or unsure, but on Noah it exudes confidence.

“Hey.” His voice is normal, not pained or awkward.

“Hey.” My voice is a completely different story.

“I just wanted to say good luck tomorrow.”

Oh, God. He’s not coming, is he? That would be too weird. Having him there would distract me. I’d be wondering why he came, if he was trying to get back together with me.

“Thanks.” I look away, hoping he’ll get the picture and leave. I wish we could be friends. We have a lot in common, but being friends with a guy is tough. Even tougher when there’s a mutual attraction. Unfortunately, the attraction is where it ends. I don’t love him, and I don’t think I ever will.

“Well, I have to go, so knock ’em dead tomorrow. I want to see a plaque with your picture and name on it in the trophy case. Got it?” He smiles, a small smile. This isn’t as easy for him as he’d like to make it seem.

“Got it.”

He turns to go, but stops. “Oh, and remember what I told you in that match against the girl with the awful backhand?”

“Yeah. Avoid what’s messing me up.”

“I heard.” He doesn’t have to say anything else. He knows about the football game. He wasn’t there that day, but he heard about me throwing myself at Ash. And yet he’s still here, giving me advice, helping me. Even Grayson looks taken aback. I’m sure she had no idea Noah has this side to him. “Tomorrow’s your day. So, avoid what’s messing you up.” That includes him, and I think he knows it. He walks away without another word.

Grayson gawks after Noah. “Okay, I know you don’t need to hear this right now, but I was wrong about him. He’s hot and sweet.”

I can’t help laughing. Something about seeing my best friend drooling over the guy she reamed me out for dating is just plain funny.

“Oh, thank God you’re laughing. I thought I was going to get a racket to my head.”

“Nah. I need you for tomorrow’s match. I don’t want to just win individually. I want the team to win, too.”

She puts her arm around me. “Then let’s have a sleepover.”

“What? How do those two things go together?”

“We’ll load up on carbs, throw on old tennis matches, and go to bed early.”

Sadly, it sounds like the most fun I’ve had in a while. “It’s a date.”

***

The alarm wakes me up at eight. Gray is already in the shower. The steam is wafting under the door and into the hallway. I pull on my uniform and tie my hair back in a ponytail. My eyes aren’t red or puffy anymore. I haven’t cried in days. Two days. But it’s a start.

“Good morning!” Grayson is all smiles, but I can see the nerves she’s masking. “Ready to be State Champions?” She jumps on my bed and starts dancing around.

“Easy, girl. You don’t want to use up all your nervous energy before we get to the courts.”

“Right. Is it that obvious that I’m terrified of this match?” She sits, trying to stay still, but her foot shakes.

“Being nervous is normal. But remember, you aren’t alone. You and Leanne have each other.”

She nods. She and Leanne really do make a great team. “How are you feeling?”

I’m not sure if she’s talking about the Ash situation or the upcoming match, but I decide to go with the match. “Good. Coach studied my opponent’s game for me. She’s really good, but she doesn’t like to run. If I keep her moving, I should be able to tire her out. I just have to be patient.”

“Sounds like a good strategy.”

We head downstairs where Mom is making eggs, bacon, pancakes, and waffles. “Good morning, girls.” She’s all smiles, most likely because I’ve been acting more like myself again.

“Morning, Mrs. Flannigan.” Grayson’s eyeing the food and salivating.

“I wasn’t sure what you’d want to eat, so I made everything. There’s cereal in the cabinet if you’d rather something light.”

Grayson grabs a plate and digs in, taking a little of everything. “Forget light. My mom never cooks like this. I’m eating.”

After we’re full—much more full than we should be before a match—we head out. Mom says she and Dad will be there before the first serve. Gray and I are quiet on the drive. We’re both getting into match mode.

The other team is right on time, and my nerves are going crazy. I take a few deep breaths, forcing everything out of my head. No Ash. No Liz. No Noah. It’s just me and the tennis ball. I’m not even thinking about my opponent. I’m going to torture this ball until I win the match.

It’s the hardest match I’ve ever played. I have to keep moving the ball all over the court, waiting for the right moments to strike. It’s not the way I like to play, but if I want to win I have to adapt. If only I could handle the rest of my life the way I handle tennis.

I win the first set, but the points go on forever. I’m getting tired, but I have at least one more set to go—if everything goes well, and with how good this girl is playing, I’m not sure things will stay in my favor. The girl unleashes this serve that makes my head spin. Where has that been for the past hour? Was she toying with me? Letting me think I had a chance? I’m freaking out. Coach calls me to the fence.

“What do I do? It’s like she was hiding her serve. Like a secret weapon.”

“Calm down. You can pull through with the win. Step forward and use the momentum of her serve in your return.”

“Step forward? She’s serving so fast I can barely figure out where the ball is heading before it zooms by me. If I step forward—”

Coach puts his hand up. “Flannigan, who’s the coach here?”

“You.”

“Then do as I say. Step forward.”

I can’t buy into this idea. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“Then try harder. Believe me, you don’t want this going three sets.”

No, I don’t. I need to pull out a miracle.

I step onto the court again. Coach motions me forward, closer to the service box. I sigh, my breath shaky, and take a step forward. He motions me forward again. He’s out of his mind! I don’t move, but he cocks his head to the side and throws his hands in the air. He’s the coach, not me. I step forward again. He nods in approval. Yeah, great. I have a closer view of the serve that’s going to take me down.

She serves, and I turn my racket. The ball whizzes by me. I didn’t even get the racket on it. I look up for Coach, for some help, but instead I see Ash.

Chapter Twenty-Five