Perfect for You (18 page)

Maybe Noah does have a good reason for having Emma watch me while he’s at student council.

***

My head is a mess by the time I get to photography. Grayson is sitting with Leanne and the two of them are talking like they’re…well, like
they’re
best friends now. I can’t blame Gray for getting close to Leanne, but I want to be the one who’s there for her. I want to be her best friend again. Once the class is left to work on our projects, I walk over to her.

“Hey, Gray.”

She looks up briefly. “Hey.” Her eyes go back to the pictures laid out in front of her on the table.

“Can we talk?”

“I thought we tried that Friday night.”

“Gray.” How can she throw away years of friendship just like that? “Please. I don’t want to lose you.”

Leanne gathers her photos and stands up. “You should’ve thought about that before you dumped her for some guy, Meg.”

“Could you stay out of this, please?” I don’t want to get in a fight with Leanne, but I can’t have her making things worse either. “I want to talk to Gray.” I look at Grayson, my eyes pleading with her.

She sighs. “Fine. Let’s go to the bathroom. I don’t want to talk here.”

I nod and motion for the door. Mr. Crisman doesn’t make us ask to use the restroom. I follow Grayson into the bathroom right by our classroom. She stands in front of the mirror, fixing her hair and ignoring me.

“Grayson, why are you so mad at me?” Might as well jump right in.

“Because you’re acting like an idiot!” Her face turns red, and her hands are balled into fists at her sides. “Ash didn’t cheat on you. He only started dating Liz because you decided you weren’t interested in him anymore.”

No, that can’t be true. “He liked her while we were still together. I know he did.”

“What proof do you have? They were friends, yes. But that’s all.”

“She had a thing for him. It was so obvious.”

“Maybe, but he was with you.”

“He admitted that he was talking to her about me,
complaining
about me.”

“So? He had a right to be upset about you hanging out with Noah. He didn’t do anything with Liz. Damn it, Meg. He’s not Derrick. You need to get over it.”

My throat closes, and hot tears sting my eyes. How can she be so cruel?

Gray shakes her head and reaches for my arms. I don’t want her touching me right now, but I can’t move. I’m in too much pain to move. My heart is shattered. All I can see is Derrick humiliating me, kissing Stacy in front of my locker. He knew I’d catch them. That’s what he wanted. He was done with me and didn’t have the balls to break up with me like any decent guy would. He let his lips do the talking all right—all over Stacy Leeman’s face.

“Look, Meg, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out so harsh, but you need to snap out of this. Ever since Derrick cheated on you, you haven’t been the same. You’re weaker, like you aren’t fully here anymore.”

A broken heart will do that.

“When Ash came along, I thought you were getting better.”

I was for a while.

“You were even ignoring me to be with him, and as much as I hated that, I liked seeing you happy again. But it’s like you pushed him away. Did you think he’d hurt you like Derrick did? Were you trying to beat him to the punch or something?”

Or something.

“And of all the guys to turn to, why Noah? He almost looks like—” Her eyes widen as she pieces together the puzzle. “That’s why! He looks like Derrick!”

Yes, I’m royally screwed up. I break down, letting the tears stream down my cheeks. Grayson’s right. I am broken. I’m shattered into a million little pieces. But not because of Derrick or Noah. Because of Ash. I love him, and I pushed him away—all because I was too scared of getting hurt again. Ugh, I’m such an idiot. Ash would never hurt me like Derrick did. Instead, I hurt him. Maybe I didn’t make out with Noah in front of Ash’s locker, but I may as well have. I put Ash through hell. The same hell I’ve been trying to claw my way out of since sophomore year.

My insides churn and twist until I feel sick. I push my way into the first stall and double over in front of the toilet, spilling my breakfast. My tears overwhelm me to the point I can’t breathe. Grayson grabs my hair, holding it away from my face.

“God, Meg, you’re a mess.”

I know, and I don’t have a clue how to fix this. I need to get Ash back. I need to tell him I’m sorry for hurting him. I need to make him see that I love him and no one else. But what about Liz? I’m not sure if they really broke up. I’m only guessing. They could’ve had a fight and are about to patch things up. They might stay together for the rest of the year, go to prom. The thought sends my heartache, on the heels of my breakfast, into the toilet. This is all my fault. I created this. I pushed them together all because I was afraid it would happen. Stupid self-fulfilling prophecy!

“Come on.” Grayson pulls me by my shoulders and walks me to the sink. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I look like hell. My eyes are red and puffy. My skin is pale white. Still, I don’t look as bad as I feel.

Grayson grabs a handful of paper towels and runs some water on them, making them damp. She dabs them under my eyes. After all I’ve done, how crappy a friend I’ve become, she’s taking care of me.

The bathroom door opens and two girls walk in, giggling and lost in their own conversation.

Grayson storms over to them, blocking their view of me. “This bathroom is occupied. Find another one.”

“What?” they protest, but Grayson pushes them out and locks the door.

“Thanks. For everything. I don’t deserve you.”

She playfully raises a shoulder. “I know, but you did help me make the team, so I owed you one.”

“You’ve more than paid me back. And, Gray,” I meet her eyes, “you made the team because you worked hard. I didn’t have much to do with it.”

“Probably.” She smiles to show she’s kidding. “What are you going to do, Meg? You can’t go on like this. Do you like Noah or Ash? You need to decide and get back to being you.”

“I like them both. That’s what’s killing me. Noah is amazing. He’s not at all how I thought he’d be. He really cares about me. I’m afraid he’s falling in love with me.”

“Afraid? Why?”

“Because I still love Ash.” There I said it. I got it out, admitted it to Gray.

“Crap, Meg. Please, don’t be the girl who strings two guys along while she figures out who she wants.”

“I’m not stringing Ash along. We don’t even talk.”

“He broke up with Liz.”

They did break up. My chest tightens as I try to figure out what that means for me.

“So, now you have to ask yourself if that changes anything between you and Noah. Is Noah really who you want if you have the chance to get back with Ash?”

“I don’t think I do have a chance with Ash.” I lower my head. “But I’m not sure I should be with Noah either. This isn’t fair to him. I don’t want to hurt him.”

Gray puts her hands on my shoulders and looks at me in the mirror. “See, now that’s the Meg I love. The one who doesn’t want to cause anyone else pain. Welcome back.”

Yeah, welcome back to being alone, because if I do this, I’ll lose both guys.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Now that things with Grayson are patched up, I have to do something about Noah. I have to tell him the truth. He deserves someone who will give him her full attention, her heart. And as much as I care about him, I just can’t do that right now.

Emma walks me to lunch, like the good babysitter she is. She brings me outside to the picnic tables. It’s getting cold out, but she hands me my jacket—I’ll have to have a talk with her about locker privacy later, if she’s still willing to talk to me after I set things straight with Noah—and says a quick “Have fun” before leaving us alone.

Noah has the table set for us. Oh crap. This isn’t happening. I think about how much time has passed since Ash and Liz went to the game. Today’s another anniversary. Noah’s and mine. Damn, damn, damn. Am I really breaking up with another guy on our anniversary?

He reaches for my hand and a huge smile spreads across his face. “Do you like it?”

My throat constricts. This is too hard. He’s such a good guy. “Noah, I—”

“Come sit. I got us lunch.” He brings me to the table, kissing my lips gently before I sit down.

“When did you do all this?”

“The meeting ended early, and since I knew Emma was taking care of you, I figured I had time to do this.”

Taking care of me?
He means watching me. “Why did you think you needed to have Emma watch me? Is it because of Ash? Because he and Liz broke up?”

His jaw clenches. “You know about that?”

“Yes.” Great, now I feel guilty for bringing up Ash. This is supposed to be about Noah having me watched. How did he turn this around on me? I don’t want to fight with him. I don’t want to end things on bad terms. I really do care about him. I reach for his hand across the table. “You can’t control me, Noah. You shouldn’t want to. Ash breaking up with Liz doesn’t mean anything as far as I’m concerned. He and I are finished. I know that.” I’m not sure if I really believe it, but the words come tumbling out.

He gets up and moves onto the bench next to me. His eyes search mine like he’s looking for something. He presses his lips to mine in the softest kiss he’s ever given me. I recognize the look a few seconds too late. The words are already coming out of his mouth. “I love you, Meg.”

No. No, no, no, no. He can’t love me. It makes what I have to do so much harder. I’m going to break his heart. I can’t form words. I don’t know what to say at all, and the longer I sit here in silence the more his face falls.

“I get it. I’m not him.” He lets go of me, looking everywhere but my eyes. “I don’t want to be anyone’s second best, Meg.”

“Noah, I’m so sorry. It’s not like that, I swear. I like you. I really do. But I’m still in love with him. I don’t want to be. I want to be able to choose you. I do. But love doesn’t just go away. This is what I was trying to tell you Friday night. We got together too soon, before I had a chance to deal with my feelings for Ash.”

“I pushed you. I shouldn’t have gone after a girl who was involved with someone else. It’s my own damn fault.” He’s not looking to punch anything this time. He’s hurt.

“No.” I reach for him, but stop. Maybe he doesn’t want me touching him right now, or anymore. “I think we just met at the wrong time. There’s obviously something between us, but the timing is wrong.”

“So what, we plan to meet up in a few years when Ash is out of your system?”

“Noah.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. This just…sucks, you know?” He runs both hands through his hair and stares down at the table, at the meal he planned for us on our anniversary.

“I had a crush on you for two years and you never even looked my way. That sucked for me. All I wanted was a chance with you.”

He nods. “And now that’s all I want and you’re still into someone else. I guess we’re even.”

“It’s not payback or some game. It’s just how life is sometimes. You don’t always get what you want, when you want it.”

“I still think I got the shitty end of the stick. You had a crush on me based on superficial crap. I got to know you and fell in love with you.”

I can’t argue with him. “I hate this. I hate that I’m hurting you.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not your fault. You can’t control who you love. Besides, you don’t have much better luck. The guy you love is into someone else.”

Ash is in love with Liz? No. He can’t be. He broke up with her. He wouldn’t have done that if he loved her, would he? Maybe. I did it to him. Maybe Noah and I
are
both in the same situation. Maybe that’s why we met. Or maybe I’m looking for explanations when there aren’t any.

“What do we do now?” I ask.

Noah stands up. “Please don’t ask me if we can be friends. I can’t handle that right now. I’m trying to be understanding, but—”

“I know.” I don’t want to lose him from my life completely, but I can’t ask him to accept my feelings for Ash and wait for me to get over this.

Noah lets out a deep breath. “Good luck in States.” That’s his way of letting me know I’m on my own. He won’t be there. As of this moment, we’re officially done.

I nod and watch him walk away. It seems like people are leaving my life left and right. Luckily, I got Grayson back today. There’s one good thing among all the bad. I get up, ready to go find her, but she’s already coming out to meet me.

“Emma told me,” she says, holding her arms out. I walk into them, and she hugs me as I cry on her shoulder. For once I’m grateful for Emma’s lurking. She sent Grayson to comfort me. I’ll have to thank her later, if she’ll even talk to me.

***

The week passes in a blur. People murmur about me and Noah. I even hear some gossip about how I dumped Noah because Ash became available. That one I hate. It’s not true at all. I couldn’t hurt Noah by staying with him. He loves me, and I’m still in love with Ash. That’s not fair to him, but no one seems to want to hear my side of the story. They’d rather make up their own versions of the truth.

I don’t even attempt to talk to Ash. If I did, it would only make it look like the rumors are true. Noah seems okay most of the time. He’s still himself. The only time I see him falter is when he accidentally meets my eyes in the hallway. He turns away quickly, and it feels a lot like two years ago when he didn’t even acknowledge my existence. I know he’s upset and he needs to work through this in his own way. I can’t deny him that, no matter how guilty I feel, so I give him his space.

Grayson assumes her role as my best friend as if we never lost any time together. She’s amazing. She walks with me to our classes, sits with me at lunch, and scans the halls to try to cut down on my contact with Noah and Ash. I try to repay the favor by spending extra time practicing with her for States. She’s really improved during the season and I’m about to tell her that when the football team comes jogging down to the courts.