Passion and Pain (Dancers and Divas) (31 page)

“Yes Anya,” he replied. “I carried you to bed at your birthday party remember?”

Anya looked down embarrassed and shook her head. Elena had forgotten to mention that part.

“I may not be a ballet dancer, but all dancers have to do partner work. It’s probably just not as prescribed and structured as ballet.”

“Just checking.”

“How about we start with some basic support work? Turn here in my arms. Good. Now fall back into my arms?”

“What?”

“Don’t look, fall backwards and trust that I will catch you.”

Anya looked behind her to make sure Darius was there and went to fall back but couldn’t do it.

“Anya, you have to trust me. I’m not going to drop you. I’m right behind you.”

She tried again but her confidence was waning.

“
Aagh
,” Darius grunted. “You’re too tense. You feel like a rock.”

“Sorry!”

“You need to relax or you’ll injure yourself. Try again.”

Anya nodded and shut her eyes to fall back but stopped.

“I’m not good at trusting people, especially when I can’t see them,” Anya said.

“Fine!”
Darius said. “How about you run to me and I lift you up? You can see me the whole time then.”

“OK.” Anya moved away to get some distance then ran and threw herself into his arms.

“Put me down,” she said, flailing in his arms.

Darius put her down gently. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t like you touching me. It hurts,” she said, hugging her body.

“I’m
sorry,
I didn’t realize I was hurting you.”

Anya sat in the corner with her head between her knees.

“Maybe we can just stick to the assisted leaps and turns?” Darius said quietly before sitting down beside her.

She
couldn’t stop
crying.

“Honestly Anya, I didn’t mean to hurt you. You’re so tiny that maybe I didn’t realize how tightly I was holding you.”

Anya turned to look into his deep brown eyes, melting under the depth of their kindness. She shook her head.

“It’s not you
,
Darius. You have been doing nothing but helping me. It’s everyone. I don’t like people touching me.”
She was quiet for a long time, Darius matching her silence
. “As soon as someone grabs me tight, I have a panic attack
,” she finally said.
“
That’s why I’m struggling with my partner work.”

“Why, Anya?”

She paused for a minute, staring at her hands in her lap. Darius continued to wait.

“My uncle.
My uncle pinned me down that way.”

Darius looked at her quizzically.

“He raped me,” she whispered. She paused, uncertain whether to keep going. Darius sat back against the wall. “My dad didn’t believe me. That’s why my mom and I left Russia.”

Darius was speechless. Who could possibly want to hurt someone so sweet?

“Now,” she said
sobbing,
“Now every time a man is too close or grabs me, I panic. I know it’s insane
..
.”

“Oh my God
,
Anya.
That’s not insane at all. It’s a natural reaction to something traumatic,” Darius whispered. He wanted to hold her and protect her but knew that would not be what she needed right now.

“You know the funny thing?” she continued, “I was with my uncle that day because he promised if I came with him, I could have ballet classes. I didn’t know where we were going, just that we were going on a little trip. I knew I wasn’t supposed to leave the house without my parents, but I really wanted ballet classes and he was my uncle!”

“Anya—” Darius started but she held her hand up to stop him.

“Subconsciously, I knew I was doing something wrong. I had no idea what he had planned for me.”

She turned her tormented eyes to Darius. “I feel sometimes it was the price I had to pay for not listening to my parents and thinking only of my ballet classes.”

Tears continued to stream down her face as she hung her head.  Darius held her hand. “And I always thought that if I was the perfect ballerina, it would have all been worth it, you know. It was just a sacrifice I had to make. So I worked and worked to be the perfect ballerina so that everything would be
all right
again. So my parents would forgive me.” She shook her head. “But they never did. My father believed his brother and my mother just drinks.
And me?
I can’t even be a ballerina because I’m so damaged.”

Darius could feel his heart ripping. This poor girl believed she was to blame for her parents’ bad behavior. All that guilt and shame! He shook his head, looking to the heavens for explanation.

“Now, to have someone hold me or grab my inner thighs is hell!  I’ve tried so many times and it’s always ended in injury or disaster. What am I going to do? Look at me. I’m a mess!” she said as she raised her hands in exasperation.

“Oh Anya,” Darius said, “
you
see things from only one point of view. Your uncle took advantage of your innocence and trust. He found your weakness and used it against you to trick you. You were just a little girl. Your parents should have looked out for you better.” Anya kept her head in between her knees, crying softly.

“Anya, please look at me.” She shook her head.

“Please Anya.” She turned her tear-stained face to him. “There is nothing wrong with you. You are just reacting to a trauma. I can’t tell you everything is going to be okay. But maybe you should start with some counseling you should have had a long time ago.”

She nodded. 

“And then maybe, if you are ready, we can try again. There is no pressure to be or do anything here, okay? I will never touch you if you don’t want me to.
That simple.
You are in charge.”

He really wanted to hold her, wrap her in a woolen blanket
,
and protect her from the world. But all did was place his hand on her shoulder.

“Well, at least that explains the repressed anger when you were Krumping,” Darius said. Anya smiled.

“How about that milkshake?
Today, I think it needs to be a milkshake,” Darius said.

Anya shook her head.

“Please.”

Anya looked at him and then nodded.

“I’ll go change,” she said quietly.  She moved slowly, her shoulders slumped forward and her head hung low
.
Darius leaned back against the wall. That explained so much. It didn’t make sense that she could smile so sweetly but be so prickly or impassive at other times.
He
had no idea how to help Anya at this point, but he definitely knew that it was going to be his mission to protect her from now on. Nothing and no one would hurt her again while he breathed.

He
ordered them both a milkshake in the café. Anya used the straw to stir the ice cream repeatedly, deep in thought and silent.

“You know there are some great lifts I would like to try for hip hop,” Darius said.

Anya nodded.
He tapped his fingers against his glass.

“So do you miss Russia?”

She shook her head. Silence again
.

“Did I ever tell you about my parents?”

Again, she shook her head silently. 

“I think I told you that my dad is Iranian Muslim and my
mom
is Irish Catholic
?”

Anya nodded, still playing with her drink.

“Well, when they were about to get married, it was chaos! Both grandparents were against the wedding. And then when they found out it was going to happen anyway, they started arguing about the venue
-
church or mosque.” Darius shook his head. “It was a garden wedding.
’
Til
this day, I don’t know how it didn’t end in some kind of brawl!”

Anya smiled briefly. 

“When I was born, the fighting started all over again with the arguments over whether I would be
Christened
began!”

“So,” Anya asked, “were you?”

“Indeed I was. I had the full Catholic christening and I had a Muslim name giving ceremony. That satisfied both camps.” Darius smiled. “And I got two parties.”

Anya sipped her drink slowly, looking at him with interest, so Darius felt encouraged to go on.

“My parents are still together
,
so they
’
re doing something right! In terms of religion, they have pretty much left me to decide for myself. I usually have both grandparents whispering in my ear for their own cause.” He leaned back in his chair casually. “I stay neutral and try to benefit from the presents given for
any
religious event. It’s paying for my backpacking adventure after graduation!” he said leaning in, laughing.

Anya laughed with him. Darius was pleased to see her laugh. Her eyes were still glassy from the crying but she seemed better. She also seemed fatigued.

“Time to go?” he asked. She nodded appreciatively so he paid the bill and they walked outside together. As they went to part ways, Anya turned her pale blue eyes to him. “You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?”

“Not even under extreme torture.”

She looked down at her feet. “Are you ever going to be able to look at me the same?”

“Never,” he replied as he saw her shoulders slump. “Not because I am disgusted or ashamed of you.” He lifted her face to look her in the eyes. “I have so much more admiration for you now and for the strength you have to fight this. You never ever have to feel that you need to hide from me or feel embarrassed, OK? I see you clearly, Anya, and I’m not horrified and I’m not running.”

Tears were pouring down her face again. Lord he wanted to kiss her, but he knew that would shatter any trust he had earned. She gave him a quick hug and ran off. Darius watched her leave, surprised at the intensity of his own emotions.

Thirty-nine

Elena had not spoken to Sebastien since their argument. She loved Jay and she would not stand by people saying awful things about him.
Her dear sweet Jay.
Even though he was in senior year, he was making an effort to see her regularly and they were
the
couple of the year. Sebastien was jealous, that was all! Even if it was true, Jay would not be stupid enough to think she wouldn’t eventually find out so he would have no reason to hide it, right?

Elena’s mind was conflicted as she tidied the apartment. Jay was coming by at eight, as her mom was on night shift. They would have the place to themselves.

The doorbell rang and Elena raced to answer it.

“Hi, beautiful,” he said leaning against the doorway.

Elena rose on her toes and kissed him lightly. “Hi,” she said inhaling his delicious smell.

“Drink?” she asked, as he came in.

He nodded, never taking his eyes off her.

“How is the rest of your demo going?” Elena asked while she busied herself in the kitchen.

“It’s okay.
Just putting the final touches on a few songs.
Letitia is sounding great!”

“If nothing else, she is a good singer.”

“Has she been bothering you again?”

“I’m not in show choir anymore and we don’t have classes together so I do manage to avoid her as much as possible. But I found out she made a move on Sebastien. I couldn’t believe it!” she said as she brought two glasses and a bottle of lemonade to the living room.

“Why is that so surprising?”

Elena looked at Jay. “Sebastien is my friend. He would never date Letitia.”

“You’re dating me and I’m Letitia’s brother,” he replied.

“Yeah but Sebastien doesn’t torture you, whereas Letitia’s mission in life is to make me miserable.”

“That’s a bit exaggerated, don’t you think?”

Elena looked at him incredulously. She slammed the glass on the table and poured the drink in silence.

“How does the conversation always end up back to Letitia? We should agree not to talk about her,” Jay said, gently pulling Elena close to him on the sofa. There was silence between them.

“Did I tell you how much I missed you this weekend?” he said, caressing her body. It was so hard to be mad at him when he did that. He pulled her over so that she was straddling him and gave her a deep kiss. She returned it with equal energy. They continued making out, his hands caressing her butt and her legs. In the position she was in, she could feel him getting aroused but couldn’t move
-
she was caught between embarrassment and fascination.

“That’s it, Elena,” he said between kisses. That gave Elena confidence to keep going. Jay grasped her butt tightly and then lifted her to place her horizontally on the couch with him on top.