Passion and Pain (Dancers and Divas) (32 page)

“We don’t have to do anything,” Jay whispered “but I want you and we have the place to ourselves.” He continued necking and kissing her.
“You‘re so beautiful.”

Elena could feel her rational mind floating. She was overwhelmed with the sensations she was feeling.

“You know, we’ve been together for nearly four months now and we love each other,” he whispered in her ear. “I think maybe we are ready to go further.” He slowly undid her blouse and gazed down her body. He traced her muscles with his lips, slowly
’
til he reached her jeans and removed her belt. 

“It’s too fast, Jay,” She was attracted to him and loved him, but she wasn’t ready for that, despite how badly her body wanted more.

“Come on Elena, it will feel good,” he said, kissing her mouth with ferocity. He then took his shirt off to reveal his broad, muscular chest and Elena knew it was getting serious.

“I want to show you how much I love you,” he whispered in her ear as he slid his hand behind her back to unclip her bra.

Despite her rising panic, Elena tried to be
calm
. He loved her. What more could she want? And yet, as he went to unzip her jeans, Sebastien flashed through her mind. “Wait, it’s too fast,” she said, pushing against his chest.

“Is everything
all right
?” he asked, not moving his hand. She gazed into his concerned eyes and thought how crazy she was. She’d be making love for the first time to someone she loved. Why was she hesitating?  “It’s fine. I’m sorry.”

“
Are you sure?”

“Yeah.
We love each other, right?”

He gave her one of his dazzling smiles and then went back to necking her and kissing her body. This time, he increased the intensity. But instead of turning her on more, it amplified her sense of panic. “Jay stop, wait.” But he didn’t.

“I said stop
,
Jay! I’m not like your other girls!” she yelled as she used all her strength to push him off. He rolled over to her side, stunned.

“What?”

“The girls you slept with after you broke up with Caroline. The whole school knew except me,” she said angrily.

“So this is the problem,” he said with a tight jaw.  Elena rose from the couch and began doing up her buttons. She had never seen him so mad. “I thought I
’d
told you my past.”

“Jay, everyone seems to know. Why couldn’t you just tell me the truth?”

“And you believe them over me?” He jerked up and roughly pulled his shirt back on.

Elena looked at her hands. Despite how much it hurt and how much she didn’t want to admit it, she had assumed Sebastien was telling the truth and that Jay had lied about it.

“You’re right, I’m sorry Jay. Tell me about it,” Elena said. She reached for his arm and tried to pull him back down. 

He pushed her away from him. “I think we should continue this discussion another time.” As he walked to the door, he turned around to her with spite in his eyes. “Elena, you can’t keep playing games like this with me. On the one hand, you are all over me and you tell me you love me, and then just as we are so close to binding that love, you go cold on me. What is that about?”

“What happened ’til
‘
whenever you’re ready’?”
Elena protested. “Just because I said I love you, does it mean I’m going to sleep with you?”

“Elena, you were ready. Trust me. I don’t know what your problem is or what more you expect from me.”

Elena couldn’t answer him. She didn’t know what was wrong with her. “I want you to be honest with me. Please don’t be mad, Jay. Don’t leave like this. Let’s talk about it.”

“I’m already frustrated from being turned on and then pushed away. Being accused of lying doesn’t help my mood. I need some time to cool down.”

He turned and left, slamming the door behind him. Elena crumbled, curling into a ball on the sofa and sobbing. The way he looked at her, it was like he hated her! She clutched her stomach in pain. How did it all go so wrong? Why did she have to open her big mouth? She had accused him of lying. She couldn’t blame him for being so mad.

Forty

After that awful night, Elena could
n’
t concentrate at school. She was despondent and depressed, dragging herself to each class and rehearsal. Jay never called her or returned any of her daily messages apologizing. He even managed to avoid her at school. It had been a whole week! She played back the night repeatedly in her head, berating herself for being so insensitive. She couldn’t lose him!

“Elena, we have midterms coming up. You have to snap out of it!” Veronika said.

Elena played with the corners of her book.

“Veronika, is it true?”

“What?”

“You know, about Jay. Was he a real player?”

Veronika looked at her, uncertain. “Word on the street is that when
he broke up with his girlfriend
, he went through a bit of a phase where he would sleep with anyone and everyone. Maybe it was his grieving process or maybe he was just reveling in his newfound freedom. I don’t know.”

“So why didn’t he just tell me that?”

“Elena, there’s only one person that can answer that.”

“Yes, but he’s not talking to me.”

“He’ll come around. He’s crazy about you!” Elena wasn’t so sure.

On Friday, as Elena dragged herself out of class to head home, Jay was waiting for her. Elena wasn’t sure what to do. He looked at her and then opened his arms for her. She ran straight into them and flung herself onto him. He kissed her on her head, her face,
her
lips. “I’m so sorry,” he kept saying.

“I’m sorry too,
” she said, half laughing and half crying.

He held her tightly and whispered, “It was wrong of me not to speak to you. I just needed time to cool down and set my head straight.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m just glad you forgive me. I missed you so much!”

“Come on, honey, we should probably talk about this,” he said. He held her hand and led her to the nearest bench. “I should have been more honest with you,” he began. “First, it’s important for you to know that I don’t consider myself a player. Like I said, my girlfriend of two years was someone I knew since we were kids. When she left, it’s like my world caved in. I really missed her.” He looked at his hands and inhaled. “I would go to these parties to forget and there would be girls just throwing themselves at me. I was lonely and unhappy, I didn’t say no. It made me feel better.”

It stung to know that he had been with so many girls. Was she just another notch on his belt? But then, she thought about her pain over the last week and how devastating it was. Losing your girlfriend of two years would have been heart wrenching. Could she really blame him for seeking relief?

“But as you know, the parties get old and the emptiness doesn’t go away with cheap sex, so I refocused on my music and cleaned up my act.” He glanced at her.

“Then I met you out of nowhere, singing my song in the studio and bam! Everything changed. I wasn’t lying when I said I hadn’t dated anyone. I hadn’t. There were girls I slept with
-
some I don’t even know their names. I’m not proud of it, but I definitely never loved them like I love you.”

Elena had tears coming down her face. How could she be so heartless? This was her Jay. How could she ever think he was a bad person?

“I love you too, Jay,” she said as she hugged him. “You have to trust me to love you.”

“I think that’s why I got so mad. I couldn’t believe that you couldn’t trust me enough to sleep with me. That really hurt.”

“I’m sorry. It’s a big deal for me and I just want everything to be right.” She leaned against him and kissed him gently. He responded instantly, return
ing
her kiss with equal ardor. 

“Oh Elena,” he said and sighed, “
you’re
driving me crazy.”

“After my birthday,” she said.

Jay looked at her confused.

“After my party, I’ll make love to you with everything I have.”

“Elena, you don’t have to. If you’re not ready…”

She kissed him again. “I’m ready.” He kissed her long and hard, the promise of more to come.

Two weeks later, just as midterms had finished, Veronika and Elena were hanging streamers on the terrace, preparing for her birthday party that night.

“This place is amazing!” Veronika said when she saw it.

“It’s the neighborhood party center. Few apartment buildings have such a large open terrace. We all have our big parties here. Over the years, we even managed to scrounge
up
enough heaters to stop everyone from freezing at these December parties
,”
Elena said, pointing to the odd assortment of heating equipment inhabiting the venue. “We’re going to need them tonight.”

“Did you ace your midterms?” Elena asked Veronika.

“Of course.
I wasn’t distracted like other
people
I know.”

“I was fine, thank you. Once I made up with Jay, everything fell into place.”

“That was lucky.”

“He’s important to me. It matters if he’s with me.”

“But you almost threw away your grades.”

“We all have ups and downs.”

Veronika put the streamer in her hand down and stared at Elena. “Who are you? The Elena I knew was all about rehearsing and perfecting no matter what happened!”

“Maybe I’ve changed. You know, being in love,” Elena said, climbing on a chair to hang the streamers over the doorway.

“I’m going to be sick.”

“Very funny,
Roni
,” Elena said as she threw a streamer at her.

Veronika had to throw one back and before they knew it, it was a war!

“That’s one way of decorating the place,” Sebastien said as he strolled in.

“Um, I’m going to help your mom, over there,” Veronika said, pointing to the opposite corner of the terrace.

Elena climbed down from the chair and started setting the tables.

“Place looks great!”

Elena didn’t respond.

“Is there going to be food?”

“Yeah.
My mom got a good deal from the hotel where she works, plus everyone usually brings something along.”

“Great!”

He followed her lead and placed the red plastic tablecloths on the tables.

“So El, I assume all is good with Jay?”

“Yeah, he’ll be here a bit later on. He explained everything.”

“I’m sorry
,
Elena. I had no right to speak to you like I did and say those things about Jay. I never meant to hurt you.” She stopped with the plastic cutlery in her hands, but didn’t look at him.

“You really hurt me, Seb. I didn’t deserve that.”

“I know. Please put it down to temporary insanity by a friend who cares about you very much.” He grabbed her arms and turned her to look at him. “I am really, really sorry. Please forgive me. It’s me, Seb.”

Elena sagged. No one
in
this world could resist those tormented eyes. “I know you didn’t mean it. I just wished you could have told me differently. You were right. Jay was not perfect but it was all before he met me. I can’t really punish him for it. He’s never treated me badly or forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do.”

He held her in a tight hug.

“What happened to us, Seb? We never fought like this before.”

“I guess we started growing up and heading in different directions,” he said. “It was bound to happen
-
we weren’t going to stay twelve forever.”

Veronika turned the stereo on to help create the party mood as they all continued setting up the place. By about five that afternoon, the place was ready and they all went back down to Elena’s apartment so she could finish getting dressed.

“Does it really take two hours to get ready?” Sebastien whined.

“You’re free to go home,” Elena replied.

“By the time I go home I would have to come back.”

“Then stop complaining!”

“Don’t worry Seb, you can keep me company,”
Elena’s mother
said as she squeezed his shoulder.

Two hours and ten card games later, Sebastien called out, “Come on Elena, it’s seven!”

“
All right
,
all right
, I’m done.”

Elena walked out into the living room with her brand new red dress. It had a halter neck and was fitted down to her hips where it then flared out. She patted it self-consciously. Veronika had set her curls into some order and helped her with some light makeup.