Of Love & Regret (16 page)

When he collapsed
on top of me, I wrapped my arms around him, feeling protective of him after
witnessing him in such a vulnerable state.

It took me a few
moments to catch my breath and come back to full consciousness, and then I
became aware of how uncomfortably heavy Logan was on top of me. His eyes were
closed and I couldn’t help admiring how long and full his lashes were, in
juxtaposition to his singularly masculine face. He was breathing evenly like he
was asleep, and I wondered how I would get him off me without his help.

I shifted
slightly, trying to maneuver myself out from under him, when his blue eyes
fluttered open. We were so close that I could see the black rims around his
irises, and I swallowed, trying not to show how awkward I felt now that we were
no longer in the throes of passion.

Logan gave me a
lazy smile, not looking discomfited in the least. “Where do you think you’re
going?”

“Um, I can’t breathe
with you on top of me.”

It wasn’t the most
romantic thing to say, but I was relieved when Logan rolled over so that he was
lying next to me. I suppressed a squeak of surprise when he reached out and
pulled me over by my waist so that I was pressed against his side with one of
my legs splayed on top of his. I stared into his neck as his hand softly
brushed up and down my back. I’m sure the motion was meant to be soothing, but
in my heightened state of awkwardness, it just made me even more aware of how totally
out of my element I was right now. Logan seemed to think that what had happened
was completely natural, but it changed the entire dynamic between us, and I
wasn’t sure how to act now. We had gone from friends to combatants to lovers in
the blink of an eye, and I wasn’t sure what that meant. Although this was the
second time we had been intimate, the first time had been eight years ago, when
we were just kids in college. I shut down that train of thought as quickly as
possible. I didn’t want to think about the past and Cassie. It would only
confuse me more.

“What are you
thinking about?” Logan asked softly as he continued to caress my back.

“That this is the
last thing I expected to happen today,” I said. “Just a couple of days ago, I
thought we would never see each other again, and now this.” I waved my hand to
indicate us lying in bed with our bodies intertwined. “And before that, we were
only friends. It’s just so sudden.”

“I’m not sure if
I’d consider three years sudden, but I know what you mean,” Logan replied
drily. His voice became serious as he continued. “Are you okay with it? With
what just happened between us?”

I took a moment to
think it over before I answered. My emotions were so tangled up right now, but
I knew that I couldn’t regret what had just happened between us. It had felt so
right and good, and I couldn’t imagine never being close to Logan like this
again. Yet, I could already feel the guilt seeping in despite my efforts to
ignore it. I wished that the pure and uncomplicated emotions I had experienced
earlier could last beyond the throes of lovemaking, but the reality of our situation
made it impossible. Maybe if I just tried to forget about Cassie, I could come
to terms with being with Logan. The thought made me feel awful but it seemed
like the only way.

“I’m okay with
it,” I replied. “I just…” I trailed off, trying to choose my words carefully.
“I need to keep Cassie out of this. Thinking about her makes me feel guilty,
like we’re doing something wrong.” Logan opened his mouth to reply, but I
continued talking before he could say anything. “I know you believe that we
weren’t responsible for what happened in the past, but that’s something I can’t
be so sure of. There can’t be anything between us as long as Cassie’s memory is
in the way.” My voice dropped. “I know this makes me sound like a horrible
person, but a part of me just wants to forget about Cassie. If I can forget
about her, I can forget about her death, too. And then just maybe I can believe
that I deserve a shot at happiness.”

A deep shame
settled in the pit of my stomach at my words. How could I want to forget
someone that I had loved so much for almost half my life? Yet, I knew I could
never forgive myself for being responsible for her death, so maybe trying to
forget her was the only way I could go on with my life. More importantly, it
would prevent me from having to push Logan away.

Logan was silent
for a while before he answered. When he did speak, his voice was hesitant. “I’m
not sure that’s the best idea. I know how close you and Cassie were. It’s
probably not very healthy to try to forget someone who was so important to
you.”

I tilted my head
to look at Logan. His expression was concerned, and I knew he was only looking
out for my well-being, but I didn’t know how else I could be with him.
Otherwise, the guilt would consume me.

“I can’t be with
you any other way,” I confessed. “I can’t handle the memory of Cassie and be
with you at the same time.”

His expression
turned hopeful. “Does that mean you’re willing to give us a chance?”

I nodded, trying
to banish the fear that threatened to overtake me about the step I was taking. “Let’s
see what happens.” I tried to smile at him, wanting to lighten the mood. “Maybe
after a few weeks, you’ll realize that being with me is even more of a pain in
the ass than being my friend.”

Logan gently
pushed the hair back from my face, his expression serious. “I’ve been waiting
for this moment for a long time. You’re not going to be able to shake me that
easily.”

I felt a lump in
my throat at his words, not knowing what to say. He solved the problem for me
by grinning at me. “Besides, I already know what a pain in the ass you are. I
only expect it to be worse now that we’re together, but I’m willing to put up
with it.”

He made an
exaggerated expression of long suffering, and I couldn’t help laughing at him,
although I smacked him on the chest. He rubbed the spot where I had hit him like
he was in pain, but he grinned. “I’m like a combination of Mother Theresa and
the Dalai Lama when it comes to my patience with you.”

I groaned at his
lame comment and made a move to push him away. He grabbed my waist, pulling me back
towards him. I didn’t protest, nuzzling into his side instead. It was
intoxicating to be so open and close to him without feeling guilty. As long as
I didn’t think about Cassie, everything would be okay.

“I didn’t use a
condom. I didn’t think to bring one because the last thing I expected was for
this to happen tonight.”

His announcement
took me off guard. I hadn’t even been thinking about protection in the heat of
the moment. It was a stupid move, but I was on birth control so I didn’t have
to worry about an unexpected pregnancy. The thought of being pregnant with
Logan’s child was too much to handle, so I pushed it out of my mind.

“I’m on the pill,”
I said, trying to put his mind at ease, although he hadn’t seemed too concerned
when he had mentioned not using protection. “And I have a clean bill of health,
so no worries there.”

“I wasn’t
worried,” Logan replied, kissing me gently on top of my head. “And you have
nothing to worry about with me, either. I just didn’t want you to get upset
when you realized I didn’t use one. Not that you getting pregnant is the end of
the world.”

I didn’t know how
to respond to his statement. Getting pregnant wouldn’t necessarily be the end
of the world, but it would be pretty close to it, yet he seemed so cavalier
about the prospect. I decided to just ignore it.

I checked the time
on the clock next to the bed, surprised by how late it had gotten. “I’m
starving. What do you want to do for dinner?”

I yelped in
surprise when Logan flipped me on my back and positioned himself on top of me.

“I know what I
want for dinner,” he said with a grin and an exaggerated diabolical wiggle of
his eyebrows as his eyes trailed down my body. I laughed at his goofiness, but
any trace of amusement disappeared when he proceeded to show me exactly what he
meant.

Chapter Twelve

The next couple of
weeks were amazing. Logan and I spent as much time together as possible, though
sometimes it was difficult because of his heavy workload. On the nights that he
had to work late, he came over afterwards, and we shared late dinners and spent
the rest of the night in bed. We were insatiable when it came to our desires,
as if we were working through all the pent up sexual tension that had built up
between us throughout the past few years.

On the days that
Logan was able to get out of work at a decent hour, we were like a newly dating
couple, which I guess we were despite having spent a lot of time together
already as friends. Simple things, such as going out to dinner and a movie,
took on a whole new light now that we were a couple. The weekends were the best
when we had two whole days together, and I spent both days at Logan’s place. I
realized how quickly we were moving and that we were spending practically every
minute together, but I didn’t question it. We had a lot of wasted time to make
up for. We hadn’t really given our status much discussion beyond that Sunday
night when we had first slept together, but it was understood that we were
seeing each other exclusively, and I was happy with that.

The only moments I
wavered were when thoughts of Cassie crept into my head, but I pushed those aside
as quickly as possible. The past was over, and I could only concentrate on the
present.

I had given Emily
the full report about my refusal of Adam’s proposal, as well as what was
happening between Logan and me. She had been nothing but supportive, even
knowing the truth about our past, and I was relieved that she didn’t think less
of me.

I checked my watch
on a late Tuesday afternoon after having spent the entire day working on my
latest article. It was almost five o’clock, and I decided I had gotten enough
writing done for today. I saved my work before putting my computer on sleep
mode. Logan was working late, so I decided have a snack to tide me over so that
we could eat dinner together later.

I was standing in
front of my open refrigerator debating my choices when the buzzer to the
entrance of my building sounded. I frowned as I walked over to the intercom; I
wasn’t expecting anyone.

“Hello?” I said
into the speaker.

“It’s me. Let me
up.”

I froze, shocked
by the unexpected sound of Adam’s voice. It had been a little over two weeks
since I had turned down his proposal, and I hadn’t heard from him since then.
The last thing I expected was for him to show up at my apartment unannounced.

“What are you
doing here, Adam?”

“I need to talk to
you. Please just let me in.”

I hesitated. I
wanted to ignore him, but this wasn’t someone I had just gone on a few dates
with. Adam and I had been together for three years, and I felt obligated to
hear out whatever he had to say.

I sighed in resignation
as I buzzed the front entrance open and waited for him to reach my apartment.
It was taking longer than expected, so I opened my door and peered out. I could
hear him climbing the stairs, although it sounded like it was taking more
effort than it should have. When I finally saw him walking up the last flight
of stairs to my floor, I understood why it was taking so long. He had sounded
normal enough through the intercom, but I could tell that he was more than a
little drunk by his staggering movements.

“Are you okay?” I
asked, concerned. It wasn’t like Adam to get drunk.

“Yeah, I’m fine,”
he said when he reached the door to my apartment. I could smell the alcohol on
his breath, and his eyes were bloodshot, but I was surprised by how steady his
voice sounded. He didn’t slur his words at all, and if it hadn’t been for his
appearance, I would have thought he was perfectly sober.

He pushed past me
into the apartment, and I didn’t protest. Maybe I could get a few cups of
coffee in him and send him on his way.

He half-stumbled
his way into the living room, bumping into the coffee table before he collapsed
on the couch.

“You’ve been
drinking,” I said matter-of-factly, not wanting to sound accusatory. After all,
I had been the one to hurt him. I couldn’t blame him for drowning his sorrows, especially
since I had done the same thing a few times lately.

Adam shrugged.
“Just a little happy hour celebration. It’s no big deal.”

“Let me make you
some coffee.” I turned to go into the kitchen, but his voice stopped me.

“No. We need to
talk.”

This was what I
had been dreading since I had heard his voice on the intercom. He had taken our
breakup and my refusal of his proposal pretty well, but now it seemed he was
back to hash it out. This was the last thing I wanted. I also didn’t want him
to have any idea that Logan and I were together now, because that would make
him think that I had been cheating on him before we broke up. Emotionally, I
wasn’t sure he was entirely wrong. And I
had
kissed Logan while Adam and I were still together.

“Okay,” I said as
I took a seat on the couch, making sure to leave plenty of room between us.
“What do you want to talk about?”

“Us. I think we
should give our relationship another shot.”

Crap. I did
not
want to deal with this today. I took
a deep breath before replying.

“Adam, I’m sorry
that our breakup was a surprise to you, but I know it was the right thing to
do. I really don’t think there’s anything more to discuss. Our relationship is
over.”

He didn’t reply,
and stared straight ahead, looking glum. Seconds stretched into minutes as we
sat there in silence. I tried to think of a way to get him out of my apartment
as quickly as possible.

I was about to
suggest that we go to a coffee shop down the street when he whipped his head
towards me. I was taken aback by the anger I saw on his face.

“You’ve gotta be
fucking kidding me.”

The venom in his
voice ratcheted up my anxiety. “What’s wrong?” I asked, confused.

Adam jerkily
motioned in front of him with his hand. I looked in the direction of his
gesture, and swallowed hard. With Logan and I spending so much time together,
it was inevitable that some of our belongings were scattered about at each other’s
apartments. A pair of his cufflinks sat on the coffee table, and the
monogrammed letters of his initials were clearly evident.

“Adam,” I started,
not knowing how much I should tell him, but he cut me off before I could
continue.

“Shut up!” he spat
out, his voice seething. “I don’t want to hear your lies. I was a fucking moron
for believing there was nothing between you two all this time. How long have
you been screwing each other?”

“There was nothing
going on between us while we were together. It happened afterwards.” I figured
there was no point in trying to explain exactly what had been between Logan and
I before the night we decided to give our relationship a try. Hell, I wasn’t
even sure what had been between us before then, so I wouldn’t know how to
explain it to Adam. Besides, it was better for Adam to believe that Logan and I
hadn’t started dating until after we had broken up, which was the truth.

Adam laughed
bitterly at my claim. “Right. We’ve barely been broken up for two weeks, and
I’m supposed to believe that you weren’t fucking around with him while we were
together?”

Adam had never
been one to curse, and I didn’t know if it was the influence of the alcohol,
but his behavior was beginning to make me nervous. I had never seen him like
this, but I tried to tell myself his rage was understandable.

“I know it’s hard
to believe,” I said calmly, trying to keep things civil. “But it’s true. Logan
and I were just friends while you and I were together.”

“Not only are you
a slut, but you’re a goddamned liar, too.” He was nearly frothing at the mouth
as he glared at me, and I decided that enough was enough. I stood up and
crossed my arms against my chest.

“You’re drunk and
in no state to have a civil conversation. You should leave.”

“I should leave?”
Adam mimicked with a mocking look. “I should fucking leave? Don’t look at me
like I’m the one who did something wrong. I don’t know how I let you dupe me
all this time.”

I made a move to
walk towards the door but he grabbed my arm before I could get far. I gasped
when he pulled my wrist so hard that it felt like my arm was going to pop out
of its socket. My anxiety level was at an all-time high. Adam wasn’t in his
right mind, and I was afraid of what he might do. I didn’t recognize the man
seething in front of me.

“You’re hurting
me!” I exclaimed as I tried to twist my arm free. “Let go!”

Adam did the exact
opposite and pulled on my arm even harder, causing me to fall back on the couch
painfully onto my side. I tried to push myself back to get away from him, but
he still had a manacle grip on my wrist.

“You’ve been a
waste of three years,” he snarled. “Don’t think I really even wanted to get
fucking married to you. You were nothing but a convenient date to have around,
and a regular screw. My mother was the one pissing and moaning about me
settling down.”

I was shocked by the
virulence spewing from Adam. I had only met his mother a few times, but she had
always been gracious and pleasant—the epitome of a genteel woman who came
from old money. I had gotten along well with her, but it had never gone beyond
a few lunches and dinners when she was in town. We had a friendly but distant
relationship, and I never expected her to be the one behind Adam proposing to
me.

“She said she
wanted me to get married and have kids. To find some stability.” Adam sneered
at the idea of that. “She wanted me to get a fucking nine-to-five job so I
could suffocate to death in some goddamn cubicle. She threatened to stop
helping me financially, so I figured I’d give her at least one of her wishes to
appease her.” He glared at me as he continued to speak. “That was before I knew
you were a two-timing bitch.”

I yanked my arm
back, finally succeeding in freeing myself from Adam’s grip. I had been feeling
so guilty about turning Adam down, only to find out his proposal had been
motivated by the fear of his parents pulling their financial support. It had
nothing to do with his feelings about me. I felt a surge of anger overtake me.

“So that was all
bullshit about you wanting to spend the rest of your life with me,” I spat out.
“Excuse me if I don’t feel bad about breaking up with you when the only reason
you proposed was because mommy wanted you to.”

My taunting words
only enraged Adam more, and I bit back the rest of what I had been about to
say. My anxiety about Adam’s behavior had been momentarily forgotten in my own
rage, but when I saw the way his face darkened at my words, I was reminded that
he wasn’t in his right state of mind.

Despite my fears,
I was totally unprepared for the back of his hand that came crashing down against
my cheek with brute force. I was thrown back against the couch and there was a
ringing in my ears as my face throbbed painfully. I tasted blood in my mouth
where my teeth had cut the inside of my cheek, and I instinctively shrank back
when he made a move towards me.

“Don’t you ever
talk to me like that,” he spat out, his face flushed with rage. “You’re nothing
compared to me! You come from some backwoods family from some white trash town.
Your own mother couldn’t stand you enough to stick around. I have no idea why
my mother even wanted me to marry you when you come from nothing.” He pushed
his face closer to mine. “And don’t think you’re the only one who was screwing
around. You’re a joke in the bedroom. I had to fuck other women to get any sort
of satisfaction because you were such a disappointment. All those times I told
you I was with Sam, I was really fucking another woman. Sam doesn’t even exist.
It was just my excuse to get the hell away from you.”

My anxiety
vanished, replaced by rage. Out of all the ugly things that Adam was spewing,
the only thing that knifed my gut was the comment about my mother. I had
wrestled with the feeling of abandonment my whole life, and I had shared that
fear with Adam, only to have him use it against me now. At this point, I couldn’t
care less about the other women he had apparently been cheating with or that
Sam had been nothing more than a contrived excuse.

I forcefully
pushed his shoulder back so that I could stand up. I was so angry that I was
shaking, but I tried to keep my voice steady so that he wouldn’t miss a word I
said.

“You’re nothing
but a waste of space,” I said, only half-succeeding in preventing my voice from
trembling. “You’ve never held a real job a day in your life. You expect your
parents to support you while you play out some fantasy that you’re some big
time author, when in reality I’ve never seen
one word
of what you’ve written. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s
all a ruse, and the only thing you’re doing is spending your days pissing away
mommy’s money. You like to pretend that you live this self-righteous lifestyle,
and you’re this spiritual person, but you’re the most materialistic person I’ve
ever met. You’re a fake! I know you’re not really vegan! I’ve seen the bacon
wrappers in your trash!”

I was screeching
by now, and my last statement was laughable but I was so angry that I was using
any ammunition I had to try to hurt him. Instead of lashing out in return,
Adam’s face turned white as he gaped at me.

“I never knew you
felt this way about me,” he said, sounding hurt. I stared at him, not knowing
how to handle this sudden shift in him. He had gone from an angry, crazed
psychopath to a crushed ex-boyfriend. My anger died as quickly as it had flared
to life. There was no point to this conversation. I didn’t want to know the
truth about our relationship. His past transgressions were meaningless now, and
I just wanted to put the past to rest. My future was with Logan, and Adam had
no power to hurt me.