Of Love & Regret (14 page)

“Logan and I were
just going to wait a few days after her birthday to tell her. The day before we
were supposed to confess everything, Cassie and I made plans to watch a movie
after classes were over.”

My chest tightened
as I relived it all over again. I tried to explain what had happened with the
least words possible; otherwise, I didn’t know if I would be able to vocalize
it. “I was running late. Cassie and I were supposed to meet up at our dorm room
before the movie so I was rushing to get home. When I got there, I found her in
her bed. She had slashed her wrists. She was dead before the paramedics arrived.”

Emily gasped, her
face whitening. I had never revealed how Cassie had died—I had always been
intentionally vague about it—and Emily had respected my privacy.

“Oh my God. That’s
horrible. I’m so sorry, Madison.”

“But don’t you
see,” I said, my voice barely audible. “She planned it that way. She did it so
I would be the one to find her. She locked the door to make sure no one could
come in besides me.” My voice was growing louder as I spoke, and I heard the
tinge of hysteria rising. “She must have found out about me and Logan. The
betrayal must have been too much for her to take. She took her own life, and
made sure I was the one to find her to punish me.”

Emily frowned.
“How can you be so sure about that? Did she leave behind a letter?”

I shook my head.
“No, nothing. But why else would she have planned it that way? Why else would
she have taken her own life?”

“I don’t know,”
Emily said helplessly. “I didn’t know Cassie, so I can’t really say. I just
can’t imagine someone committing suicide because her boyfriend cheated on her.
I mean, even if it was with her best friend. I just… I don’t know…”

She trailed off,
obviously not knowing what to say. Or maybe she knew there was nothing to say
because it was pretty obvious what Cassie’s intentions had been.

“What happened
afterwards?” Emily finally asked gently.

“I was a complete
mess. I mean, how can anyone come to terms with the fact that you’re responsible
for someone’s death? And not just anyone, but someone you love.” Emily opened
her mouth, conceivably to object to my assertion, but I continued talking
before she could interrupt. “There was only about a month left before the end
of the semester, and I left school the day after it happened. I transferred to
a local college near my hometown for my senior year. There was no way I could
go back to the University of Michigan.”

“What about you
and Logan?” Emily asked.

I looked at her,
surprised by her question. “There was no me and Logan. After I left, he tried
to get in contact with me multiple times but I ignored him.” I grimaced as I
thought about his repeated attempts to talk to me. “He even came to my college
one day because I refused to answer his calls. I couldn’t believe he thought
that I would ever let anything happen between us after Cassie’s death. He
seemed convinced that Cassie didn’t know about us, and that she killed herself
for other reasons. But she
had
no
other reasons. She had the perfect life. I told him that I never wanted to see
him again, and if he continued to try to contact me, I would end up hating him
as much as I hated myself.” I experienced a physical ache when I remembered his
expression when I had bitterly spat those words at him. Hurt wasn’t strong
enough of an adjective to describe it. Yet back then his expression of pain had
enraged me even more. We were still alive to feel pain and regret, but Cassie could
no longer feel anything.

“So he left me
alone, and we went on with our lives. Three years ago, he contacted me to tell
me he had moved to Chicago. I guess he heard through the grapevine that I was
living here. Five years had passed since Cassie’s death, and I had worked through
a lot of my issues. I realized that I had displaced a lot of the anger I felt
towards myself onto him, and it wasn’t fair. He was pretty persistent about keeping
in contact with me once he was in Chicago, so I told myself we would be acquaintances
and nothing more. But you’ve seen how close we’ve gotten this past year.”

I took a deep
breath, and then told Emily everything that had happened when we had gone to
the Brooks’ home for Cassie’s birthday. Her eyes widened in disbelief when I
told her about how Mrs. Brooks still lived in a fantasy world when it came to
Cassie’s death. Emily practically fell off the couch when I told her about what
had happened between Logan and me last night.

“You can’t just
leave it like that,” she insisted. “You can’t just cut Logan out of your life.
You still have feelings for him, and things are never going to be resolved if
you just deny them.”

I looked at her
incredulously. Hadn’t I just told her why Logan and I could never be together?
“My feelings for Logan don’t matter. Don’t you see how even entertaining the
thought of a romantic relationship with him is another betrayal to Cassie? I
owe it to her to not get involved with him. Logan is still hers.”

Emily shook her
head. “I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to not only have Cassie commit
suicide but be the one to find her. But she’s not here anymore. And from
everything you’ve ever told me about her, she loved you. She wanted you to be
happy. Whatever her reason was for her killing herself, I can’t believe it was
to punish you.” She shrugged helplessly. “Just because you’re close to someone
doesn’t mean you know everything about them.”

I couldn’t accept
her last statement. Cassie hadn’t just been a close friend. For ten years, we
had shared our lives. At times, she knew me better than I knew myself, and I
had thought the reverse was true. Besides, even though she was gone, it was
still difficult to not think of Logan as belonging to her.

“All I know is
that I can’t think about Logan anymore,” I said tiredly. “It just makes me
depressed.”

Emily hesitated
before responding. “Okay, no more talk about Logan. But it’s not healthy to be
carrying the burden of Cassie’s death on your shoulders. It’s not your fault.”

I appreciated
Emily’s concern for me, that she wasn’t condemning me as a horrible human being,
but I knew it was just because she cared about me, not because she actually
believed my actions were forgivable.

“I know it’s not
healthy,” I said with a sigh. There was no point in arguing with Emily about
blaming myself. “I’m sorry I never told you the truth before.”

“It’s okay. It’s
not exactly something that’s easy to tell.” She frowned. “I guess this makes
Adam’s proposal even more confusing.”

I tried to push all
my conflicting emotions about Cassie and Logan aside as I considered Emily’s
statement. It was actually a relief to think about something besides the mess
with Logan, even if it was something as complicated as Adam’s proposal.

“The more I think
about it, the more I realize that marrying Adam would be a huge mistake,” I
admitted. “I think the only reason I was actually considering it was because it
would be an easy escape. My relationship with Adam is comfortable and doesn’t
challenge me in the least. But I don’t want a marriage that lacks passion.
Companionship isn’t enough. This past year, I think I’ve realized that it’s time
to end our relationship, but I’ve been dragging my feet about it. His proposal
forces me to face the fact that we’re not meant for each other.”

“Thank God!” Emily
exclaimed, and then winced apologetically. “I’m sorry if that sounds a little
insensitive, but I was afraid you were going to end up saying yes to Adam just
because he asked. It’s not like I think he’s a horrible guy or anything; it’s
just that I don’t think he’s the right person for you.”

“I’m just dreading
having to tell him. I told him I would have an answer for him by this weekend.”

Emily spent the
next hour brainstorming the best way to tell Adam I was rejecting his proposal with
the least amount of confrontation. She had some creative ideas, most of them a
little out there, but the only right way to tell him was face to face.

After Emily left,
I decided to be a coward for a little bit longer and texted Adam to see if he
could come over tomorrow so we could discuss his proposal. The adult thing to
do would be to see him today and get it over with, but I was still raw from my
encounter with Logan last night. Telling Emily about the past had just brought
everything to the forefront of my mind, and I needed some time to heal.

I was relieved
when Adam agreed to come over tomorrow, and I spent the rest of the morning
finishing the bottle of wine Emily had brought over. I tried to keep thoughts
of Logan at bay, but failed miserably, so I opened another bottle of wine when
I was finished with Emily’s and proceeded to drink it by myself. I wasted the day
away with alcohol and reliving my past transgressions. By the time I fell into
bed, I was able to drift off into a deep sleep where pain and regret didn’t
exist.

Chapter Eleven

I woke up with the
mother of all hangovers Sunday morning, but the throbbing of my head wasn’t
enough to distract me from the anxiety of what I had to do today. I was on pins
and needles all morning since Adam wouldn’t be over until the afternoon. Emily
sent me a few encouraging texts, but they did nothing to alleviate my stress. I
was grateful that at least I was able to focus on something besides my
fractured relationship with Logan.

My heart lurched
when Adam finally arrived. He looked happy and well rested when I opened the
door—the exact opposite of how I felt.

“Hey, babe,” he
said, dropping a quick kiss on my mouth as he strode inside. He didn’t seem
like a man who was doubtful about the answer he was going to get to his
proposal, which was just going to make this much harder. “It’s a gorgeous day
today. We should go hang out at the park.”

“Sure, maybe,” I
hedged. By the time this conversation was over, I doubted Adam would want to go
anywhere with me. I sat down on the couch in the living room and waited for
Adam to join me. When he did, I took a deep breath and decided to just go for
the plunge. Prolonging the inevitable would just make things harder.

“I want you to
know how much it means to me that you asked me to marry you,” I started. Adam
was watching me expectantly, and I had to force myself to continue. “These past
three years we’ve been together have been great, and I think you’re an amazing
person, but I’ve come to realize that we’re not right for each other.”

Adam’s mouth went
slack and I spoke more quickly, not wanting to lose my nerve.

“I think we’ve
just become comfortable in our relationship because it’s easy. We get along,
there’s no drama and we genuinely like each other. The problem is… that
describes a friendship, not a marriage. I want you to know how much I care
about you and that I don’t regret our relationship, but I think it’s time to
end things. So I can’t accept your proposal.”

Adam seemed
stunned and his mouth worked convulsively as he tried to figure out what to
say. When he finally did speak, his voice was higher-pitched than normal.

“Madison, you’re
making a huge mistake. You’ve gotten some notion in your head that
relationships are supposed to always be exciting with fireworks going off when
you kiss. That’s only in the beginning. After that comes comfort and
familiarity. We have that.”

I didn’t point out
that there had never been excitement or fireworks in our relationship, even in
the beginning, but I didn’t refute that his logic made some sense. I just knew
to the core of my being that we weren’t right for each other.

“I’m sorry, Adam.
I agree that you can’t expect a relationship to always be like it was in the
beginning, but while comfort and familiarity are important, there has to be
more than that.” I paused while I mustered up the courage to say the next
words. “I like you, Adam, but I’m not in love with you.”

Adam’s hands clenched
into fists, and I saw a flare of rage flit across his face. It was surprising;
I had never seen him truly angry in the past three years. Sure, we had our
disagreements, and he would get upset, but never angry. I didn’t blame him for reacting
that way today, but his expression of anger disappeared as quickly as it had
appeared.

“Does this have
anything to do with Logan?”

I blinked at him
in surprise. Adam had always seemed at ease with my friendship with Logan, and
this was the first time he had ever expressed any reservations about it.

“No, this has
nothing to do with Logan,” I said emphatically. The next words were lies, but I
didn’t want Adam to believe Logan had anything to do with our breaking up, because
he truly didn’t. “Logan and I are just friends, nothing more. I’m sorry, but I
just don’t think we have a future together.”

I waited with
bated breath for Adam’s reply. I didn’t know what to expect, but I would have
preferred yelling over the sadness I saw on his face.

“But I love you.
Doesn’t that count for anything?” he asked forlornly.

I bit my lip,
wracked with guilt but wishing he would just accept my answer and leave. “Of
course it does. And it’s not as if I never felt the same way, but we just grew
apart.”

“Is there anything
I can say to change your mind?” he pleaded. “Can’t you just think it over some
more?”

“I’m sorry, but
I’m not going to change my mind,” I said gently but firmly. I didn’t know what
else to say, so I just apologized again. “I’m sorry.”

Adam nodded and
stood up abruptly. “I guess there’s no reason for me to stay. I’m not going to
make a fool of myself by begging.”

I followed
helplessly as he walked towards the door and flung it open. He turned his head
to give me one last look, and I was surprised by the venom on his face.

“I hope you regret
this decision for the rest of your life.”

He slammed the
door behind him. I was relieved to see him go, and told myself he was
justifiably angry about my rejection. In reality, it had gone a lot better than
I had imagined since he had accepted my answer without much of a fight.

The problem was,
now that my relationship with Adam was officially over, I had nothing to focus
on except Logan. I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening obsessing
about him. I knew I should just let things lie, that I shouldn’t contact him because
everything was too fresh and raw. I wasn’t sure if our friendship could ever be
repaired, but if it was at all possible, we both needed time. Yet, I couldn’t
deny the irresistible pull to my phone, and despite knowing better, I found
myself pushing the button to dial his number.

My heart was in my
throat as I listened to the phone ring, and I wondered if he would just ignore
my call. The thought of that hurt more than I wanted to admit, and just when I
was about to disconnect the call, he picked up.

“Hello.” His voice
was brusque, and I had to resist the urge to hang up, because it would only
make me look foolish.

“Hi, Logan,” I
said cautiously. I was on edge and didn’t know how to approach him. I wasn’t
even sure why I was calling him. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

“Go ahead.”

His curt tone didn’t
help bolster my confidence and I cursed myself for having called him. “I just… I
wanted to apologize for some of the things I said the other day. I think we
both said things that we regret. I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate
what a good friend you’ve been to me.”

“I don’t regret
anything I said. It was the truth.”

I had expected
Logan to be appreciative that I was the one reaching out to him, but by his
tone I had a feeling he now considered me a nuisance more than anything else.
Maybe he was over it all and wanted nothing more to do with me.

“Okay, well… I
guess I just wanted you to know that I didn’t mean a lot of the stuff I said. I
was just angry and confused.” I was met with silence and I decided that I
needed to end this call before I embarrassed myself even further. “That’s all I
really wanted to say. I’ll let you go. Bye.”

I lowered the phone
from my ear and was about to disconnect the call when I was stopped by the
sound of Logan’s voice.

“Wait.”

I raised the phone
again to my ear and was silent, waiting for him to speak. He sighed heavily,
and I could just picture him raking his hand through his hair in frustration.

“I don’t want
things to end like this with us,” he said finally. “I meant everything I said
yesterday, but I’ll admit that maybe my delivery wasn’t the best.”

I didn’t say
anything because I didn’t know how to respond.

“Are you home
right now?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“I’m coming over.
Don’t go anywhere.”

He disconnected
the call before I could say anything. I wasn’t sure if I would have protested
if I had been given the chance, but I couldn’t deny the flicker of anticipation
knowing that I was going to see him. Last night, I had been so sure that I
would never lay eyes on him again, and it made me even more desperate to see
him today. A part of me realized that, not only was I being a masochist, I was
probably being unfair to Logan by sending out mixed signals. I was so determined
for things to stay platonic between us, yet I couldn’t deny my attraction to
him and the urge to spend time with him, even if it was painful.

I was a bundle of
nerves while I waited for him. When he finally arrived, and I opened the door,
I had to resist the urge to fling myself in his arms. I had to remind myself to
keep things strictly platonic.

“Hi.” I felt
awkward and didn’t know what else to say, so I just stepped back to let him in.
He didn’t speak as he walked past me into the living room. As I followed him, I
couldn’t help noticing how his well-worn jeans and t-shirt molded against his lean,
muscular body. I gave myself a mental shake. I needed to get my thoughts out of
the gutter and figure out how to salvage our friendship.

He turned abruptly
before we reached the couch and I skidded to a halt, almost bumping into him. I
took a few steps back to put some space between us. I looked at him nervously,
but his expression gave nothing away.

“I’m not even sure
why I’m here. Unless your feelings have changed.”

I bit my lip. I
didn’t want to start the conversation this way. I didn’t want to get into
another fight so I tried to speak as diplomatically as possible.

“I think things
got away from us in the heat of the moment on Friday. I care about you too much
to just throw our friendship away. The anniversary of Cassie’s death always
affects me, and I think that’s why I got so angry with you. You didn’t deserve
that.”

Logan studied me
without saying anything. I was starting to get antsy from his lack of a
response when he finally spoke.

“Did you accept
Adam’s proposal?”

I hadn’t planned
on discussing Adam with him, but I didn’t know how to get around his question, so
I decided to answer truthfully.

“No, we broke up,”
I admitted. “I realized that we weren’t right for each other. It actually
happened earlier today.”

The tension in
Logan’s shoulders relaxed, and he suddenly seemed more at ease, but all he said
was, “I think you made the right decision.”

I stilled as he
took a step closer to me. I tried to think of something to say so that Logan
would understand that this didn’t change anything between us, but my mind drew
a blank. All I could concentrate on was Logan’s physical presence, which seemed
to fill the entire apartment.

“Maddie.” Logan’s
voice was low and raspy, and I felt hypnotized as I watched him lift his hand.
My insides clenched when he cupped my face and brushed his thumb against my
cheek. “Just give us a chance. That’s all I’m asking for.”

I should have
protested and given him all the reasons why we couldn’t be together. Those
reasons hadn’t gone away. But I couldn’t vocalize those thoughts because they
didn’t seem so insurmountable anymore. Maybe confessing to Emily about my past
had helped. I had finally been able to unload some of the burden I had been
carrying around all these years. I had expected Emily to recoil in disgust, but
instead she had been understanding and compassionate. She hadn’t thought I was
a monster, so maybe I wasn’t. She didn’t seem to think pursuing a relationship
with Logan was horribly wrong and selfish. Could she be right?

I put my hand on
Logan’s wrist, stopping him from pulling me closer. His close proximity wasn’t
helping my chaotic thoughts. “I’m just scared,” I admitted, my voice barely a
whisper. “I’m scared this is wrong. I’m scared our friendship will be ruined
beyond repair.” I took a long shuddering breath and said the words that
expressed my deepest fear. “I’m scared that Cassie is looking down at us, feeling
hurt and betrayed again.”

“This has nothing
to do with Cassie,” he said softly. “We made mistakes in the past but we’re not
doing anything wrong now. Give yourself a chance to believe that.”

It wasn’t the
desire that I saw in Logan’s face that swayed me. It was the care and concern
in his expression, and I knew that he would never do anything to hurt me. I
didn’t know if I could say the same thing about myself, if I could promise
myself that I would never hurt Logan again, but I pushed that thought aside. I
was tired of fighting my attraction to him. For once, I wanted to let go of
everything and just allow myself to
feel.

I didn’t resist
when he pulled me closer, and I let my hand drop from his wrist. My senses were
overloaded. The feel of his hand sliding down to the back of my neck sent
shivers down my spine, his cologne combined with a scent that was singularly
his own was intoxicating, and his piercing blue eyes shot straight to my soul
as he lowered his head.

My eyes fluttered
closed when his lips touched mine, and our kiss was gentle and sweet. The
exploratory kiss turned more intense as his soft kisses became demanding. I
opened my mouth against his, welcoming his velvety tongue, which caressed mine
with growing urgency. Logan made a sound of approval deep in his throat when I
pressed harder against him, pushing my tongue into his mouth as a fire ignited
inside me. I wanted more of Logan. I wanted more than just his kisses and the
feeling of his hard body against mine.

I wanted everything.

It was almost
painful when Logan pulled back to break the kiss. Both of us were breathing
heavily, and I could see the effort it took for Logan to stop by the tension on
his face.

“We can’t continue
if you’re going to stop me before I have all of you,” he warned, his voice
raspy. “We either stop now or we don’t stop at all. I don’t think I’ll have
enough control later on if you change your mind. Make the decision now.”

Instead of being
put off by Logan’s words, the idea that he wanted me so badly made the flame of
my desire burn even hotter. I was standing on a precipice looking down, and I
knew if I jumped, there was no going back. I pushed away all the worries and
doubts in my mind, and took the plunge.