Obsession (Endurance) (9 page)

Life
for me was very easy in some ways.  In others, I felt frozen.

After
the first of the year, my nightmares worsened.  Getting up extra early one
morning to go get orange juice, I tripped over Hyde sleeping on a pallet
outside my door. 

Seven
months pregnant and completely klutzy, I would have hit the floor without
lightening quick reflexes that caught me in strong arms and settled me before
rising to ask if I was alright. 

Looking
down, I noted the blanket, pillow, and two pistols on the floor near my
door.  “I…why are you sleeping on the floor, Hyde?”

“Jordan. 
I’m Jordan, Ellie.  I have a scar here on my jaw you can use to tell us
apart.  We trade off every night.  You’re not usually up so
early.” 

His…
their
…voice
was like warm whiskey and it always had the same affect on me. 
Butterflies in my stomach and heat…absolutely everywhere. 

I
tilted my head in confusion.  “But…why?”

“Your
nights are getting worse.  Padme and Bianca have to call us anyway. 
Easier if we’re already here.”  His words flowed over me and I realized he
was wearing sleep pants and no shirt.  “Don’t worry, Ellie.  Did you
need something?”

“I
was…I was going to get some orange juice.  Would you like some?”  He
nodded and followed me into the kitchen.  “I’m sorry I’m keeping everyone
up all night.  Soon I’ll be able to take the sleeping pills again. 
Well, if I get a nanny in.  I, ah, I mean…never mind.”

I
turned from the fridge and Jonas was standing on the other side of the
door.  I was so startled I dropped the jug and he caught it.  “I
didn’t mean to scare you, Ellie.  I was coming around to get
glasses.”  I couldn’t reach the glasses anymore.  My extended belly
robbed me of several inches of height. 

He
lined them up on the counter and I poured juice.  Jordan watched me from
the other side of the bar.  “Are you hungry, Ellie?”  I shook my
head.  “You don’t eat enough, you barely touched your dinner.  How
about some apple slices and honey?” 

Before
I could answer, Jonas washed and dried an apple, tossing it to Jordan who
sliced it rapidly while his brother grabbed a ramekin and filled it partially
with the raw honey I loved.  After they’d put the plate in front of me, I
realized it was exactly what I needed. 

“Can
I sit in the solarium?”  Jonas picked up a walkie-talkie and checked in
with the outside night watch.  When they reported an all-clear, I picked
up my glass and plate.  One in front, one behind, we moved through the
French doors to the glass room that captured all the sun’s heat and set
everything aglow.  I worked out here often.  It was my favorite space
and completely filled with greenery.  We sat down in padded chairs around
the table and I ate my apples. 

Jonas,
dressed in jeans and a t-shirt but barefoot, asked me quietly, “Ellie, we
haven’t really talked in months.  How are you doing?”

“I…I’m
good.  Trying to stay busy.”

Jordan
was still in sleep pants but he’d pulled on a t-shirt.  “You’re still
adjusting to there being two of us, aren’t you, Ellie?”  I shrugged
lightly.  “I’m sorry we waited so long to tell you.”

“I
understand why you didn’t.  Like a secret weapon.  Also, I guess it
was a secret weakness.”

“You’re
right.  We still should have told you.”  Jonas took a big gulp of his
juice and rolled the glass in his palms.  The movement was hypnotic. 
He sat back and I met his eyes.  “Why don’t you talk about the baby in
front of us, Ellie?”

I
went still.  “I don’t know what you mean.” 

Thank
goodness Padme chose that moment to walk into the solarium.  That was a
question I did not want to answer.  I wasn’t even sure I
could
answer it. 

How
to explain that I felt ashamed when I was around them?  That I wondered
what they thought about me keeping the baby conceived during my rape? 
That I needed this baby to love because I’d fallen in love with a man who was
really two men and was paid to protect me?

“Good
morning, all.  Ellie, how are you feeling this morning?”

“Fine. 
Good.  What’s on my agenda today?”  I let her claim my attention and
eventually we all moved inside to dress and get ready for our day.  I was
careful to avoid alone time with Hyde.  I just couldn’t trust myself
around them.  Not in any way.

I
went into labor brushing down my horse.  Hyde stood at the stall door and
when the first contraction hit me, I dropped to one knee.  My water broke
and suddenly I was being carried at a near run for the house. 

Jonas
carried me; Jordan was on the phone texting the go message to everyone who
needed to know. 

In
the elevator, I whispered, “I weigh a ton, you can put me down, Jonas.” 
He stared down at me but otherwise ignored me.  Then he was moving toward
Theresa’s rooms. 

“Wait,
I…I need to shower.  Look, I’m wet and it’s gross.  I need to
shower.  This is embarrassing enough.  Jonas.  Please.”  I
watched him grind his teeth as he turned toward my apartments. 

Bianca
shouted, “What the hell are you
doing
here?  We were on our way to
the medical room.”

“I
really need to shower, Bianca.  Please stand watch for a few
minutes.”  Jonas put me down in the bathroom and seemed to hold an
internal argument about whether to leave me alone.  “Jonas, five minutes
and I’ll go right to Theresa.”  He nodded once briskly and left. 

I
heard him barking orders at Bianca and Padme.  I showered fast and by the
time I was wrapped in a towel, Padme had appeared with my hospital gown and
robe.  I wasn’t to wear anything under the gown. 

One
glance at the urgent look on her face and I smiled.  “I’m ready.”

Jordan
swept me up just outside my bedroom door and carried me down the hall.  He
set me down long enough for me to remove my robe then lifted me to the
bed.  Both of them went to stand at the door and I raised my brows. 

“Um,
guys?  Can you stand
behind
me maybe?”  Jaws clenched, they
moved behind the hospital bed and watched carefully as I was hooked up to IV’s,
a fetal monitor, and my feet were placed in the stirrups. 

Theresa
came in and checked my dilation beneath a tented sheet, giving the brothers a
strange look for staying.  My parents and the two female bodyguards
entered shortly after and heard Theresa announce, “This shouldn’t take long,
Ellie.  You’re already eight centimeters dilated.  This baby made up
her mind and that was it.  Sit tight while we prep the table for your
little girl.” 

Everyone
was fussing over me and Mom insisted on braiding my hair so it didn’t stick to
my face.  Bianca handed me crushed ice.  “Do not ask me what this is
for.  Theresa gave it to me.  I’m assuming you suck on it or some
damn thing.”  They chatted and tried to keep my mind off the contractions
for which I was grateful. 

My
father has
very
strong hands.  There were no broken bones reported
later and I was relieved.

Half
an hour later, there was a lull in the noise and I said quietly, “Theresa,
should I feel like I need to push?  Like I need to go to the bathroom
right
now
.”

Theresa
was on a stool between my legs instantly and whispered, “The baby is crowning
already.  You quick and clever darling.  Okay, Ellie, we’re going to
sit you up so you can bear down.”  My parents put their arms behind my
back and held my hands. 

When
Adam moved to stand between my spread legs I kicked him as hard as I could in
the face with my bare foot.  Shocked at myself as his eye began to swell,
I gritted out, “Contraction.  Adam, so…
fuuuuck
…so sorry!” 

He
put his hand on my bare knee to tell me it was no problem, I could see the
words forming, but I was going to break his wrist if he didn’t take his fucking
hand off me.  Padme saw it and got between us, refusing to move one inch.

Theresa,
focused on the baby, missed the byplay.  “Ready?  Okay you’re going
to push and keep pushing for five seconds.” 

The
next minute was a blur to me as the most awful pressure built and released,
built again and released completely.  I lay back with Dad’s help and
panted frantically.  A small cry sounded in the room and you could have
heard a pin drop.  “Give us just a minute to clear her airway,
Ellie.  I need you to push once more, honey.  There you go.”

I
may have passed out.  The next thing I remember is Theresa standing next
to my Mom and putting a pink wrapped bundle in my arms which were shaking too
hard to support her weight.  Mom helped so I didn’t drop her during our
first meeting. 

“She…she’s
blond like
Mom
.  Hello, baby.  Hi, Kaitlyn.  I’m Ellie
but you can call me Mommy.  Wow, you don’t seem real.  Aren’t you
pretty?”  More hustle and bustle as I was cleaned up. 

Hands
touching me, touching the baby.  My mom crying, my dad as well though he
tried to hide it.  Murmured words about the baby, how well I’d done, how
happy everyone was that mother and baby had come out alright.  Padme and
Bianca formed a block between the hapless Adam and me.  He was icing his
eye to bring down the swelling.

My
eyes were drifting when large hands cupped either side of my face and firm lips
on faces with a trace of beard stubble kissed my cheeks at the same time. 
If I’d been in my right mind, I would have imagined it was Jordan and
Jonas.  Where they are concerned, I’m never in my right mind. 

“Love…
stubble
.” 
Even exhausted, I managed to catch myself.

I
fell asleep.  Once again, there were no dreams.

Having
a baby was both exhausting and exhilarating.  It is also one of the most
frightening experiences I’ve ever gone through.  I ended up bringing in a
nanny because when Katie was two weeks old the shriveled bit of her umbilical
cord fell off and I ran screaming to Theresa. 

For
a while it was touch and go on whether I would have to be sedated. 

Mom
summed it up well.  “We’ve kept you sheltered your entire life,
darling.  Except for much older children, close to school age, you’ve
never been around babies.  It isn’t surprising you’d be worried when a
little bit of baby falls off.”  As my eyes widened further, she rushed
on.  “Bad choice of words.  I imagine getting a nanny will allow you
to stop your slow descent into madness.”

“You
can’t watch her every moment, honey,” Dad added gently.

These
were rational statements but I worried constantly that something would happen
to her.  That I wasn’t going to be allowed to keep anything good and clean
from that horrible day filled with degradation and pain.  I just wanted
one little thing.  I had Theresa check her each day. 

My
staff was enthralled with the baby.  Bianca and Padme changed her clothes
several times a day.  Since I was constantly putting her in new outfits,
we had to buy a lot of spare outfits. 

Katie
didn’t cry.  I don’t mean she was just good. 
She did not cry
. 
I got in the habit of checking her diaper so she never sat wet.  I set
timers to feed her because she didn’t fuss. 

Si
and Fiaaz often sang to her.  Silly songs they made up to describe what
they were doing.  When I was writing, I kept her in a bassinet beside me
and absently rocked it with my foot. 

The
biggest surprise was how Jordan and Jonas were with her.  They held her
constantly and talked to her as if she was able to understand them.  Since
she stared at them in rapt fascination, maybe she did.  When I saw them
with her my heart would clench painfully. 

As
I distractedly rubbed the heel of my hand over my sternum and raised my eyes to
meet Jordan’s, the intensity of his gaze held me still.  I felt like a
gazelle faced with a lion.  An instant later I dismissed my foolishness as
juvenile and misplaced.

Most
afternoons, my parents took Katie for a couple of hours so I could walk the
grounds.  The Hyde brothers were, naturally, my constant companions. 
Some days I visited the stables and brushed down Sarafina who obviously missed
me.  Others, I strolled the gardens. 

Always,
I was lost in thought.  I felt poised for the other shoe to drop.

On
one such afternoon, I chose to sit in the gardens.  The book I brought to
read sat open and untouched on my lap.  Something was off.  I
couldn’t place what it was. 

I
thought I might crawl out of my own skin from the sudden and inexplicable
stress. 

“Ellie. 
What is it?” Jordan asked quietly.

I
shook my head because I didn’t know, I couldn’t place what it was that had me
starting to shake.  I looked around, I listened, and then I took a deep
breath. 

The
answer hit me hard and I wanted out of the gardens and as far away as I could
get.  I jumped up, my book falling to the paved walkway, and started to
run for the house.