Obsession (Endurance) (8 page)

I
had him stand on the back of my chair and I’d race him around the
hallways.  We talked horses and he showed me sketches he’d been doing of
the stables.  Cameron had no expectations because he was a child.  He
wanted nothing from me but a companion to play with. 

I’d
been an only child and we both knew what it was like to come from the kind of
money that didn’t even seem real.  He could make me laugh until I
cried.  I’d make him laugh until he spewed soda out of his nose. 

It
was great.  It was a break from my life.  My charmed and painfully
lonely life.

My
nightmares were escalating but I wouldn’t take sleeping medication no matter
how mild Theresa assured me it was.  It was usually Bianca and Padme who
woke me.  Si didn’t complain once about the black eye I’d given him the
night Padme called for more help. 

I
often saw Hyde standing just inside my door.  That I still considered two
men with one name was likely a sign of my mental deterioration.  They were
careful not to touch me but they were always in the room as the others woke me
from the horror I faced when I closed my eyes in the dark. 

When
the soft casts came off, the physical therapy became a demon I had to defeat.
 I pushed the PT until one of my team went to Theresa about the safety of
the baby.  She cut back my exercises and the amount of time I was allowed
to work out. 

She
preferred I use the indoor pool and swim laps which wouldn’t impact my body as
harshly.  So I swam.  Lap after lap after lap, until I could barely
lift my arms.  At least one of the Hyde brothers swam every single lap
with me.  The other usually had to assist me from the pool.

The
days passed and I insulated myself as much as I could despite being surrounded
by people twenty-four hours a day.  The fact that I was pregnant was not
acknowledged openly but it was obvious that everyone on the estate knew by the
way they watched out for me. 

I
didn’t talk about it.  I made purchases and piled the boxes up in the
connected room I planned to use as a nursery when the baby came.  At the
beginning of September, I went to pull on my jeans and couldn’t snap
them.  Overnight, I had a belly.  I was four months along. 

I
dropped the jeans and turned to the side facing the full length mirror. 
Now I could see it.  A rounding I didn’t think had been there
yesterday.  My breasts were heavier.  I called my mom and she slammed
into my room ten minutes later.  I was wearing yoga pants and a bulky
t-shirt. 

“Stuff
isn’t fitting.  Now what?”  My mom hugged me and said she’d take care
of everything.  Then she spent a few minutes staring at my reflection with
tears in her eyes. 

Three
days later I was sitting in the back garden reading in the shade.  Hyde
was stationed behind me somewhere.  Padme was sitting beside me working on
her iPad. 

I
felt the strangest crawling feeling and I jumped up off the chair, totally
freaked out. 

Book
on the ground, arms patting myself frantically, and my staff trying to help
without invading the distance I’d enforced.  It happened again and I was
speechless.  I realized what it was the second time and I went utterly
still.

Padme’s
eyes went from my face to my belly and back again.  “You just felt the
baby for the first time.” 

I
couldn’t answer, couldn’t think.  It suddenly hit me that there was a
baby
in there; a small person that was depending on me to love and protect it. 
Padme sent a quick text to my mom who came running with my father and the
Safoyas. 

Hyde
stood behind me and I couldn’t bring myself to look at their faces.  I
wasn’t sure what I’d see there.

Now
my pregnancy was going to be open.  People would talk about it.  I
wasn’t ashamed of the baby, I was ashamed of the method by which I’d become
pregnant. 

Though
Hyde didn’t know how I felt, I found it difficult to face the man – men – I was
in love with carrying the resulting child of my gang-rape.  Strangely, I
felt as if I’d done something wrong,
betrayed
them somehow.  Stupid
and irrational but I couldn’t seem to help it.

Standing
in our garden, Mom approached me slowly and said, “It’s going to happen all the
time now, Ellie.”  As if on cue, it did and I fidgeted a little.

Mrs.
Safoya was grinning from ear to ear.  “Sign of a strong babe, Ellie. 
All your strength in that child.  Nothing to be afraid of, honey.”

My
mother and father came to stand on either side of me and put their hands gently
on my stomach which made me flinch accidentally.  “No one here will ever
hurt you, Ellie.  No one.”  Dad kissed my hair.  A moment later,
“There it was.  Did you feel that, Monica?” 

He
sounded so excited, so happy.  My mother nodded, her beaming smile went a
long way to lifting some of the weight from my heart.

“Say
something, Ellie,” Padme whispered.

“I…I
don’t know
anything
.”  Then to my utter humiliation, I
hyperventilated and passed out.

I
woke up being carried down the hallway to my apartment.  Hyde’s face was
above me and my body was shaking.  He looked down at me.  “I won’t
hurt you, Ellie.”

“I
know, Hyde.”

“Jonas. 
I’m Jonas, Ellie.”  I didn’t know what to say so I stayed silent. 
Hyde…Jordan, opened the door and Jonas carried me inside.  Bianca jumped
up from the sofa and opened my bedroom door.  I was laid on my bed gently
and Bianca started to fuss. 

Ten
minutes later, Hyde standing on either side of my door inside the room, Theresa
followed my parents in pushing a portable ultrasound machine.  “I hear
you’re feeling the little one moving around.  Let’s see if we can
determine if there’s a boy or girl in your little incubator.” 

I
focused on my stomach, afraid to meet the eyes of anyone in the room. 
Theresa lifted my shirt to just under my breasts and smeared goo on my slightly
rounded abdomen.  A wide wand was run over me and after thirty seconds
Theresa smiled, leaning over to raise the volume of the machine.  A clear
heartbeat sounded in the room.  I jumped so hard I thought I’d knock
Theresa off the bed. 

“Everything
is normal.  So far so good, Ellie; excellent size, normal growth. 
Look at that, you’re turning for me.  What a
good
baby.  It’s
a girl, definitely a girl, Ellie.”

“It’s
a little girl?”  I whispered and Theresa nodded with a smile.  “A
little girl.  I…I like that…better, I think.”  My parents
understood.  The chance a little boy would grow up to look like his birth
father was a little too much to think about. 

Theresa
took several measurements and said, “Ellie, I’d like to do an amniocentesis to
make sure there are no other issues but I think you’re tracking for a normal
pregnancy and delivery.” 

I
told her to go ahead and she had Adam hold the ultrasound wand while she
inserted a long needle into my belly and withdrew a vial of the murky water surrounding
the baby in my uterus.  “This will help us determine if there are any
abnormalities, Ellie but I don’t foresee anything.”

When
it was done, Adam rushed to wipe my stomach which made me fist my hands on my
bed.  “Adam, please let Theresa do that.” 

“Oh,
I don’t mind, almost done.”

“Adam!” 
I was shocked at the harsh screech my voice instantly became.  “Please do
not touch me.”  Seeing his stricken expression, I tried to soften it, “I
don’t like to be touched.  Please understand.”

As
if a light went on, he gave a soft, “Oh…yes.  I’m sorry.” 

Theresa
took over cleaning me up and gave me a hug.  Within a few minutes, she and
Adam were gone and my parents sat side by side on the bed.  Mom picked up
my hand, “Are you alright, honey?”

“I…I
almost struck him, Mom.  I wanted to
claw out
his eyes.  I
barely stopped myself.”

She
nodded in complete understanding.  “We all realize the stress you’re
under.  I’m fine with sending him away and I’ll find Theresa another
assistant, a female.”

“No,
that’s giving my weakness power.  I have to get stronger.  I can do
that.”

After
a long silence, Mom said, “Ellie, I bought you some books.  I didn’t want
to give them to you until you were ready.  I think they’ll help you
understand what you’re going through and explain what will happen next.”

Dad
patted my knee, “It’s all going to be alright, Ellie.  You’re due in early
March.  We’ll have everything ready by then.”  Tilting his head, he
asked, “Do you think you’ll want a nanny?”

“Not
sure about a nanny, can I think about it?  I need to get the room next
door ready.  I…I need to hire painters.”

Mom
laughed.  “The room is already filled with a ridiculous amount of toys and
decorations.  I’ll have a decorator come in and talk to you.”  She
smoothed my hair and asked if I had a theme in mind.

“Something
happy, Mom.  Something cheerful.  Nothing corny and no wall-to-wall
pink.” 

They
sat and simply talked for a long time about everything and nothing, taking my
mind off the stress and the uncertainty that was rocketing through my
system.  It was pleasant and relaxing. 

When
I fell asleep, I didn’t dream.  It was the deepest sleep I’d gotten in a
long time.

The
next months passed quickly and without incident.  I kept up the swimming
and Mom brought in an instructor who taught me yoga and Tai Chi that was safe
for the baby.  I focused on my writing and worked behind the scenes with
the charities. 

I
still ached randomly but Theresa said my body was still healing and carrying a
baby – serving me well, all things considered.

I
didn’t want the outside world to know I was pregnant so I didn’t leave the
house.  Because of the attack, everyone would know the truth of conception
and I wouldn’t have my child carry that stigma for the rest of her life.

My
folks brought in a team of attorneys who created confidential documents
regarding the artificial insemination I’d supposedly had done.  The birth
certificate would list ‘father unknown’ but when my daughter asked one day, I’d
tell her how badly I wanted a child and I didn’t wait to find the perfect
daddy. 

She
was now and always would be
my
child,
my
little girl.  It
was the same story that would be provided to the media once the memory of my
attack faded. 

Thanksgiving
at Elysian Fields saw the arrival of all my parent’s closest friends.  All
my
closest friends, though I’d kept them at a distance, were already
here.  Nelinda and Sarah cornered me in my father’s library and coaxed the
real story out of me about conception and I held them as they cried.  Zoe
and my mother were there for moral support then we all went back to the
party. 

We
enjoyed the festivities and laughed more than I had in a long time.

For
Christmas, the females on staff presented me with a quilt of memories they’d hand
sewn for the baby.  It was created from special fabrics like my old
Halloween costumes and ballet outfits, contained photos and ribbons I’d won,
and made me cry like a fool for twenty minutes. 

The
men on staff presented me with a shadow box filled with more mementos from my
childhood.  They must have gotten things from my old trunks in the attic
that my parents rifled through.  I could tell both gifts were more for the
baby to see and I was more grateful for their kindness than I could express.

My
team bought me two nickel-plated 9mm’s and a set of small daggers.  Si
looked at me and said, “After the baby arrives, we train.”  I smiled and
nodded. 

That
night, when the excitement finally wore everyone out, I found another gift in
my bedroom.  It was a small intricately carved mahogany chest with the
words ‘Kaitlyn Monica Fields’ engraved and embossed on the glossy
surface.  It was simply beautiful. 

The
card inside said, “
For Ellie on behalf of Kaitlyn…this hope chest will fill
up with all the good things your future is going to bring you.  Merry
Christmas, Hyde.
” 

I
stood staring at it for a long time, absently running my fingertips over
it.  They’d created a hope chest for my daughter.  I took it and set
it beside the bed so I could see it first and last every day.  From my
nightstand drawer, I took out the ultrasound pictures and the antique baby
rattle Zoe had already given me. 

Opening
the chest, I noticed it was lined with cedar and held a satin lavender
cachet.  Smiling, I set Katie’s first memories inside it and closed the
lid. 

Leaving
my hand on the warm wood, I said out loud, “Thank you…both…very much. 
It’s beautiful and absolutely perfect.  I wouldn’t have thought of a hope
chest.”

“You’re
very welcome, Ellie.”

“Merry
Christmas, Ellie.”

They
left and I hadn’t had the courage to face them.  To see them standing, so
masculine and strong in my bedroom, and not be able to ask them to stay was
unfair.