Nothing Left to Lose (17 page)

“Where the hell
are you? For fuck’s sake, you can’t just keep taking off and
leaving me! If the senator finds out I’m not with you, he’s gonna
have my balls!” he shouted angrily.

Where am I?
What the heck is that about?
“I’m with the senator right now.
What’s the problem?” I asked, confused.

He gasped.
“Well, fuck it! She went on her own then!”

I jumped out of
the chair as my heart started crashing in my chest. “Anna? What?
She left?” I cried, annoyed.
Damn that girl!
The senator
jumped up too, looking at me curiously. “Did she take a car? When
did she leave?” I asked quickly, double checking to make sure I had
my gun in my ankle holster.

“She sped out
of here about ten minutes ago. I thought you were with her,” he
growled. She obviously did this little disappearing act a lot.

I took a deep
breath and closed my eyes, my mind whirling. Where would she go? I
thought about what I knew about her, and all my thoughts led me to
just one place. Jack. She’d be at the cemetery.

“Get a car, I
know where she is,” I ordered, disconnecting the call and pushing
the phone into my pocket. I turned back to the senator. “Sir, Miss
Spencer’s left without guards; I think I know where she is. I’ll
come and speak to you later.”

“Where do you
think she is, son?” he asked, looking at me desperately.

“At the
cemetery with Jack.” I turned and rushed out of the door, running
as fast as I could to the carport. “I’ll drive.” I snatched the
keys out of Dean’s hand and jumped in the driver’s side. I waited
impatiently for him to run to the passenger seat, and took off
while he was still doing his seat belt. “Why the hell weren’t you
watching her?” I snapped accusingly.

He glared at
me. “As if that girl could be watched! She does what she wants! She
doesn’t want guards. She’s always running off like this, it annoys
the hell out of me,” he growled, folding his arms over his
chest.

As I pulled
into the cemetery parking lot and stopped next to her car, Dean
looked at me curiously. My muscles loosened now that I’d found her.
“Just wait here. She won’t want to come away, so I’ll have to give
her some time there,” I instructed, jumping out of the car without
waiting for an answer.

I ran up the
path that we had walked the other day and stopped at the top of the
hill, looking down. She was sitting there at his grave,
cross-legged, trailing her fingers along the letters of his
headstone. She was sobbing uncontrollably. My heart broke at the
sight of her, she looked so terribly sad.

I stood there,
just watching her for a few minutes. I couldn’t think of anything
that had made her act like this. When I’d left her earlier she was
fine. Then I wondered if maybe
I
was the problem. She was
probably conflicted with what happened. Her fleeing to his grave
was a clear indication that she felt guilty or something. I
frowned, hoping I was wrong there. I didn’t want her to feel
guilty. Maybe she felt like I was trying to replace him and what
they had. I wasn’t trying to take his place in her heart though; I
actually wanted my own place.

When I could
stand it no longer, I headed down there. She jumped, startled, when
my shadow fell over her. Her eyes met mine and I fought back my
urge to recoil. Her eyes were the cold, hard eyes of the broken
girl. The heartless bitch was back.

She didn’t
speak; she just turned her head back to the gravestone. I read over
it as I sat down behind her, putting my legs either side of her
body and scooting forwards so that her back was pressed against my
chest. The scent of her still damp hair was all around me,
confusing my senses.

I wanted to
wrap my arms around her and rock her soothingly, but I had a
feeling that would just make matters worse. So instead, I just let
her cry. I was dying to ask her to give me a chance, but I knew I
needed to give her more time. She was obviously having trouble
dealing with what happened this morning. I’d just have to wait and
be here for her. When she was ready to try and move on from what
happened, then I’d be there. I closed my eyes and waited for her to
tell me she didn’t want me.

After breaking
the speed limit the whole way to the cemetery, I made my way up the
familiar path to his grave, zigzagging amongst some of the
gravestones to pick a few dandelions. When I got to his resting
place I brushed the old dandelions away and sprinkled the new ones
across the top of the headstone.

I plopped down
on the grass and closed my eyes, hating myself. “I’m so sorry. I
don’t know what happened. I know I shouldn’t have done it, I know,
and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, baby, please?” I
begged, unable to stop the tears this time.

My heart was
breaking all over again, and I didn’t know what to do. I was
starting to like Ashton, I could feel it building, and I wanted his
body so much that it was almost painful. I still wanted him now.
But how could I have done that to Jack? Sweet, loving Jack, who
never even looked at another girl? The love of my life died because
of me, and how did I repay him? I slept with someone that I only
met three days before, and not only that, but Jack hadn’t even
entered my head until Ashton left the room. It was like my new near
guard had some kind of spell on me.

I traced my
fingers along the lettering of Jack’s name. I felt like a worthless
piece of trash, a horrible person and a downright useless
girlfriend.

Suddenly a
shadow fell over me and I jumped, looking around quickly. Ashton
smiled down at me sadly. I turned away, afraid to look into his
beautiful green eyes in case I got stuck there. My heart was going
crazy because of his presence. I felt him sit down behind me,
setting his legs either side of my body as he scooted close to my
back.

I closed my
eyes, hating the comforting feeling of being close to him. I didn’t
deserve to be comforted. My body hitched with sobs again, but he
didn’t move to hold me or anything, he just sat close to me. His
body heat was seeping into my back and made my skin tingle. I cried
harder because the reactions he caused in me were both unconscious
and unwelcome. I didn’t want to feel anything for anyone else; in
fact, I didn’t want to feel anything at all. I liked being numb and
emotionless. But lately, all of that seemed to go out of the
window.

“Are you okay?”
he whispered in my ear, a little while later. I couldn’t speak, so
I just shook my head. “Please tell me what’s wrong,” he begged. He
sounded so upset that I wanted to turn and hold him. But I couldn’t
do that. Not to Jack. I wouldn’t do it again, never ever again.

“Nothing. Just
leave me alone,” I croaked.

“Anna, talk to
me, please? Is it what happened this morning?” he asked
quietly.

Is it about
this morning? Damn, that’s just a stupid question! Of course it’s
about this morning! I danced all over my boyfriend’s memory. And I
enjoyed it so much that I wanted to do it again, and again, and
again. But I won’t.

“That won’t
happen again.” I pushed myself away from his warm, safe body,
taking one last look at Jack’s grave.

“Anna?” he
whispered. His pleading voice sent a little quiver down my spine
that I refused to acknowledge. I shook my head and looked at him,
positive that it would never happen again. If he kept pushing me
then I’d have to get him transferred; I didn’t want to do that, but
I would if I needed to.

“No. It won’t
happen again. If you want to keep your job, Agent, then you’ll stay
the hell away from me,” I spat nastily. I saw the look of hurt and
pain cross his eyes, and I turned away quickly so I didn’t see it
again. Touching the smooth marble of Jack’s headstone, I sniffed
loudly. “Bye, baby,” I muttered, swallowing another sob. I walked
off quickly before I started to cry again, I refused to cry again
today.

When I got to
the parking lot, Dean jumped out of his car, slamming the door
angrily. His hard eyes narrowed as he stalked towards me. “What the
hell, Annabelle? For the last fucking time, you need to take us
with you when you leave!”

He sounded so
angry that my stomach clenched in fear. I frowned and carried on
walking, trying to ignore him. “Screw you, Dean. Just get lost,
okay?” I replied venomously when he continued to glare at me.

“You’re a
little bitch!” he spat, his face radiating anger. He grabbed my arm
roughly and pulled me to stop. I flinched, thinking he was going to
strike me. I held my breath, readying myself for the blow. Before
anything happened, Ashton gripped his shoulders and yanked him away
from me, slamming him against the car, making a huge crash echo in
the empty parking lot. I whimpered and looked at the scene,
shocked.

Ashton’s jaw
was tight as he stepped closer to Dean. “You don’t ever touch her
again! I don’t care who you are, I will put you down if you even
look at her harshly again. You got that, Agent Michaels?” Ashton’s
voice rang with authority and menace. Dean nodded quickly, his
mouth popping open in shock. Ashton shoved him away, making Dean
stumble and almost fall. “Go. I’ll ride with Anna,” Ashton ordered.
He turned back and waved his hand for me to get into the car, but I
couldn’t move, my body was frozen on the spot. “Anna, get in the
car,” he said softly, taking the keys from my hand and opening the
passenger door. That snapped me out of it and I climbed in quickly,
looking down at my lap.

From the corner
of my eye, I watched him walk to the driver’s side; he looked like
he was trying to calm himself. I needed to say something to him,
what he just did was so sweet and protective. Dean wouldn’t have
hurt me, but Ashton hadn’t hesitated for a second in protecting
me.

I waited for
him to climb in and buckle his seatbelt before I spoke. He didn’t
even glance at me as he started the engine. “Thank you,” I mumbled,
still not able to look at him. I needed to stay strong, and his
eyes wouldn’t let me do that.

“You don’t need
to thank me, it’s my job,” he replied sarcastically. I cringed at
the tone of his voice; he was obviously annoyed that I’d suggested
I’d get him fired. I felt like a first class bitch. He hadn’t done
anything wrong at all – it was
my
fault that I cheated on
Jack, not his.

He put the car
into drive and he didn’t speak to me again. In fact, he didn’t even
glance in my direction, but I couldn’t help stealing little glances
at him from the corner of my eye as he drove. He looked so handsome
in his blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up at the elbows; blue
worked really nicely with his skin tone. I bit my lip and ripped my
eyes away from him to watch the road, hating that I’d noticed.

We finally
pulled up at the house after what seemed like a week of driving in
an uncomfortable silence. I grabbed the door handle, but the
ominous click of the lock told me I wasn’t going anywhere until
he’d said his piece. If anyone else had trapped me in a car with
them, I would be totally freaking out, but deep down I knew he
wouldn’t physically hurt me. Mentally he would probably hurt me a
lot when I agonised over what we’d done and how he’d somehow made
me open myself up to him.

“Open the
doors,” I instructed, focusing my gaze on the house, wishing I
could get inside and away from him.

“I just need to
say something first, and I need you to look at me so you know I’m
serious,” he replied flatly.

I didn’t want
to look at him; I hated to see that hurt expression on his handsome
face. I knew I had to do it though; he obviously wasn’t going to
let me go until I’d been reprimanded for sneaking off without
guards. I willed myself to stay strong and turned to look at him,
avoiding his eyes and looking at the spot just below his eyes
instead.

“I know you
were upset, but you
will not
leave without me again. If you
don’t take me, you take someone else, but you
do not
go out
on your own again. Do you understand me, Miss Spencer?” he asked
angrily.

I recoiled at
the use of my name. Somehow, him using my title like that showed me
how angry he was with me. I should have been glad. If I’d annoyed
anyone else as much as I appeared to have annoyed him, I would
think that a successful morning, but with Ashton it actually pained
me to know that he was upset with me. Irrational anger was building
in the pit of my stomach because I couldn’t seem to treat him the
way I treated everyone else.

“Is that
understood?” His voice was hard and authoritative as he prompted me
for an answer.

“Yes. Now open
the door,” I snapped.

His gaze held
mine for another couple of seconds before he flicked the lock
button, dismissing me. I frowned and pushed the door open, ignoring
Dean watching me from the other car. I turned on my heel and ran
into the house, needing to get away from everything and everyone.
My thoughts turned to the gym. I didn’t even bother changing into
my workout clothes before heading in there to try and work out some
of the frustration that was crushing me inside.

Needing to do
more than run today, I put on the training gloves and went straight
to work on the punch bag, hitting and kicking it until my fingers
arched. Spent and exhausted, I stepped back, putting my hands on my
knees as I caught my breath. Sweat trickled down my back, and I
silently wished I’d stopped to get a bottle of water before coming
in here.

“I wouldn’t
want to be on the other end of that anger.”

I twisted on
the spot, gasping because I hadn’t heard anyone come in. Ashton was
leaning casually against the wall, watching me. “What the hell do
you want?” I asked, frowning.
Why can’t he just leave me
alone?