Notes from the Life of a Total Genius (8 page)

All this to say that I just spent double the price on a movie I didn’t want to see, and Kennedy thinks that my family is either imaginary or suffering from disgusting stomach problems and that I have the same taste in movies as a grandmother. Really great, Arthur. That’s the way to make an impression. I knew I should have stayed home.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

November 18th

Dear RJ,

We went to fencing tonight, and I didn’t even complain because there are only three sessions left. But, RJ, there were new people at fencing tonight! And not lame fifty-year-olds, either, but real people! These two girls who are both in grade nine. One of them even goes to my school! I’ve seen Camille (or I guess she goes by Millie? I never knew that) around, but we’ve never really talked. And her friend Joie (she pronounces it Joey) is in the French school, but she’s not French, she’s Vietnamese (and apparently a lot of Vietnamese people speak French; who knew?). They said that they normally fence on Tuesday and Thursday nights, and that I should join their class because it’s way more fun. They are a bit weird in a kind of crazy way, and I didn’t really get most of their jokes, but they were nice to me.

Do you think that means that they both like me? I hope not. I don’t want to ruin their friendship. But if one of them was going to like me, I hope it’s Millie. Then Kennedy would see us together and get really jealous. Anyway, having them at fencing made the class way more fun. They really get into the theatrics of the bouts, and I think they’re actually pretty good fencers too, which makes sense; they’ve been fencing for four years! It was so much better tonight having people to joke around with, RJ. Plus they made fun of Deeter to his face and he just laughed it off. So maybe fencing isn’t so bad.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

By Arthur Bean

The Terry Fox Jr. High administration has come down with another bizarre rule: no cell phones in the lunch room. Ms Kraleigh has decreed that the school is a place of learning and that cell phones being used during lunch promote cyber-bullying and lessen social interactions. Apparently, our phones are to stay in our lockers during school hours. Sure, I’ll give it to her that cell phones in class shouldn’t be allowed. Just because you can look something up doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t learn it in the first place. But extending the no phones policy to the lunch break? Why? I don’t see what the harm in having cell phones for an hour of the day could be. What if we have friends in other cities who are dying to know how we did on that tricky Math quiz? Or what if a fight breaks out about which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle carried which weapon, and the only way to make peace is to look it up? Worse yet, I don’t think Ms Kraleigh is looking at the darker side of this debate: What would happen if we ever have an emergency in the school? Leaving cell phones in our lockers does us no good. That’s why the majority of us have cell phones, isn’t it? In fact, lunch is when we are most at risk! More than 10,000 children end up in the emergency room each year because they choked on something, and 17% of these incidents are on hot dogs alone! You know how I know this? I LOOKED IT UP ON MY PHONE. But hey, that’s …

Just One Guy’s Opinion.

Hey, Artie,

We need to chat about taking on Ms Kraleigh and the school administration in such an aggressive manner, before your piece is final. I appreciate that you are putting some thought into your editorials, but you need to work on the tone of them. I’m not saying that I want you to feel like a “phoney,” but let’s chat about how we can get your thoughts across in a calmer, more objective manner.

Cheers!
Mr. E.

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

Sent: November 24, 14:52

Dear Robbie,

I started working on a resumé for you and I looked up a bunch of ideas on the Internet, but you have to have had jobs for all the resumés I saw. Did you ever volunteer for anything? I thought you could put our movie on there, since it’s probably the biggest thing you’ve ever committed to before. And you need references, like old bosses and stuff. I figured you could use me as one of your references, since I know you so well, and I’m a pretty trustworthy guy.

Have you thought about what kind of job you want to get? I figured you’d want something with art or football involved. The comic book shop in the mall is hiring for Christmas right now. Maybe you could move back and work there!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Robbie Zack ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: November 24, 17:09

dude u didnt have to write it now. i thot i would get a job with an application form. and i only can work during the summer. my mom doesnt want me working and failing school.

but ill be back during xmas break. calebs not coming back at all. he met some girl and now hes “in love”. he doesnt want to leave durring the break. dad is mad. (haha, im such a poet). i dont even know who would want to date caleb! she must be so desperat!

rob

Dear Hark,

Here’s my play for the Leg Breakers festival. I took your advice and made sure that the cast was small, and that there was only one setting. I tried to keep the tension really high too, so let me know if it’s too tense. I wanted to make it tense but funny. I just watched Lethal Weapon with my dad, and I wanted it to be kind of like that, but still really different and more interesting at the end. Do you ever watch really old movies? I generally don’t like old movies, but this one was pretty good.

I can’t wait to hear what you think! I really hope you like it!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

By Arthur Bean

Characters:

7 spies (1 is the captain, and two have to look alike)

Setting: A secret location, inside a locked room

(The captain is in the room, setting up the chairs and looking through secret documents. His cell phone rings.)

Captain:
Hello? … Yes, sir? … I’m about to find out, sir? … I’ve called them to a meeting? … I’m certain we will find him? … Yes, sir. Him or her? … Him or her … I’ll report back soon.
(He hangs up, and smiles mysteriously.)

(There is a knock at the door. The captain goes over, punches in a key code and the door opens. There are two spies at the door. They salute.)

Captain:
Put down your guns and fake IDs on this table and state your name and spy number.
(They both put down their guns and badges.)

Spy One:
My name is Serpentine, number 58008. I think I should keep my gun. It has high-tech laser pointers attached, which are helpful for finding enemies, but also great when called upon to do a powerpoint presentation.

Spy Two:
My name is Rat-ical, number 007. My gun is actually four guns in one. I got it from the Swiss Army. It also has nail clippers!

Captain:
No guns on your person. I don’t care if they are Swiss. I am Captain Subtle. Sit down—there are three more spies coming.

Serpentine:
Sir? Can you tell us a little about why we’re here? Fill in the back story a little? Rat-ical has a very bad short-term memory.

Captain:
Right. I forgot that Rat-ical was involved in the memory serum debacle. Well, as you know, we’ve been trying to overthrow the newest dictator here in Canada in 2033. As the resistance, we’ve been successful on two of our four missions. But if we lose this fifth mission, it’s all over and we’ll all be executed …
(He is interrupted by two more spies entering the room, laughing at a joke between them.)

Captain
(yelling)
: Excuse me—what are you doing?

Spy Three
(turns to Spy Four)
: Who’s he?
(Points to Captain.)

Spy Four
(aside)
: Can you be a bit more subtle?

Captain:
No he can’t. Because I am Captain Subtle, you fools. Put your weapons down and sit—you’re late.

(Spy Three takes his gun out and tries to put it on the table; his gun is so big with many attachments that he fumbles with it for a while, then ends up just putting it on the floor. Spy Four pretends to put his gun down, but actually puts his gun back inside his jacket when no one is looking. It sticks out, but he pulls the jacket overtop of the gun to camouflage it. They both sit down
.)