Notes from the Life of a Total Genius (4 page)

Hi Arthur!

I can’t meet tomorrow. I’m campaigning for the grad committee (no surprise there, hey? LOL). I want our grad to be THE BEST, so Catie and I have been working really hard to make posters to get everyone excited for the end of the year (I KNOW! A LITTLE early LOL!). Plus, it might be a bit weird, just you and me. I mean, we are TOTALLY friends, but I don’t know if we’re friends who hang out. That might be weird! Right now, everything is so OK between us. I don’t want to ruin that!

Kennedy :)

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: September 23, 22:40

Dear Kennedy,

Of course. That totally makes sense. I’m cool with that. Cool as a cucumber!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

By Arthur Bean

There are plenty of new student faces around this year, but also a few new teachers. I had the opportunity to speak to the three new teachers at Terry Fox Jr. High, and find out a little more about them to share with you, my readers.

I first talked to Mr. Harker. Mr. Harker’s full name is Hector Harker, which he said “makes him feel like a character in a bad children’s book.” He has always hated his name, and he thinks that’s one of the reasons he went into theatre. He said that “he could play a character with any other name than his own.” He went to the National Theatre School in Montreal, and after that, he was in a touring production of
Cats
for a couple of years. When he got tired of dressing as a feline, he moved to Toronto, where he did a couple of plays and was an extra in some movies, including a movie starring Robin Williams, but he never met him in person. He was also in the chorus of
Wicked,
which is another musical, for two months, before he quit and went back to school to become a teacher. Mr. Harker moved to Calgary last year, and he said that he’s super stoked to be at such an amazing school with such great kids. He said that he plans to do a student-written play festival this spring, and that he is here to learn as much from his students as he hopes they learn from him. With such a wealth of practical theatre and film experience, and his awesome ideas for theatre in our school, I can say with full certainty that we’re lucky to have him here!

Ms Kraleigh is the new principal. She used to work at a high school in the southwest. She is married, and before she became a principal, I think she taught Chemistry.

There is also Mrs. Lahiri. She’s the new grade seven Math teacher. This is her first year teaching (you know what that means!).

If you see Mr. Harker, or any of the other new teachers in the hallways, be sure to say hello. It’s always a good idea to stay on their good side!

Hi, Arthur!

You did a great job interviewing Mr. Harker. He’s a cool guy; I’ve been chatting with him during lunch too and he’s got a great sense of humour, much like myself! I think, though, that Ms Kraleigh and Mrs. Lahiri didn’t get a fair shot here. Here are your choices as Editor: you can cut down the interview with Mr. Harker and add more to the profiles of the other two teachers, or you can keep the interview with Mr. Harker and have equally in-depth interviews with Ms Kraleigh and Mrs. Lahiri in the next editions. Mrs. Lahiri’s interview could focus on her use of fractions; I hear she’s partial to them. Or maybe, because she’s the Math teacher, she has a lot of problems! I do know that her class on the use of decimals definitely has a point!

Cheers!
Mr. E.

Dear Mr. Everett,

I guess I could do that. I’ll set up time with the principal to meet her. Maybe people will see me going into her office and think I’m a badass!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Von Ipo ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: September 27, 11:20

Hey Artie!

Loved your poem for Drama. It was awesome! It reminded me of this poem I wrote once that was about a detective and the guy he was chasing. It was a lot longer than your poem though. Literally thirteen pages long! Was awesome though. They were going to publish it in the
Globe and Mail
, but it was too long. Anyway, do you want to be partners for the dialogue work this week? It would be awesome to work with you, and we did so awesome last year. Plus, I think you and I are basically the best writers in the group. You come up with amazing ideas.

What do you think? Let me know!

Von

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Von Ipo ([email protected])

Sent: September 27, 13:07

Von,

Hark said that he was pairing us up, so I’m sure that he has better judgment about who should be writing with whom. So if we get paired up, then we have to work together, OK?

Arthur Bean

From: Von Ipo ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: September 27, 13:10

Oh yeah, I asked him already if we could be partners and he said that he thought that was a great idea! He’s awesome, eh? Love that guy!

Von

Assignment: Onomatopoeia Comics

Using some of your favourite onomatopoeic words, create a short comic strip.

It can be about anything you want, but you must use onomatopoeic words as both sounds and dialogue.

Due: October 2

September 28th

Dear RJ,

This has been the most boring weekend ever. I wanted to call someone to hang out, but then there was no one to call. Luke is in Edmonton, plus I don’t know if cousins count as friends. Robbie’s in Lethbridge and he doesn’t really have a lot to say anyway. I called him, but after five minutes, I could tell he was just watching TV, so I told him I had to go. I thought about calling Kennedy, but I didn’t want to push our friendship. I need to wait a bit so that I don’t seem super desperate to hang out. She still acts a bit strange and nervous when I’m around, like she thinks I’m going to ask her on a date. Which, RJ, I’m not going to do. I learned my lesson last year. If she wants to date me, she has to ask
me
this time. But until then, I can’t ask her to hang out on the weekend. So then I spent an hour scrolling through the contacts in my phone, looking for people to call. I couldn’t find anyone! Oliver and I used to hang out in elementary school, but he’s really into sports and I’m not. So that leaves Von, who I can’t handle, and my dad. Any suggestions, RJ? I don’t think I’m a bad guy. I’m pretty interesting. I’m funny. I can do a really good impression of Mrs. Ireland. So how do I make new friends at school when everyone already knows me AND has their own gang?

I guess I’ll go back to my book.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

Arthur,

I’m pleased to see your unique choice of words! I hope you had fun discovering onomatopoeic words and integrating many different sounds into your comic.

Ms Whitehead

Ms Whitehead,

It was really easy. I just Googled words and found a billion of them. Maybe even a google of them. You should make the assignments more challenging if you want us to perform at a grade nine level. So far, this year is a breeze!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

Dear Hark,

Here’s the dialogue assignment from me and Von. It’s not my best work. I don’t think that we were able to find a rhythm together, like you wanted us to. We also got assigned a really weird setting. I’m not blaming you, but next time maybe I should work alone. Or else, maybe I could work with Ben Crisp. He’s a funny guy; I bet we could come up with some amazing stuff. Anyway, please don’t judge me too harshly!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

Setting: Inside a Cookie Factory

Georgina:
If I see another cream-filled chocolate chip cookie, I will kill myself.

Jennifer:
Haha! I know!

Georgina:
It’s not funny. I will throw myself under the cookie press and end it all.

Jennifer:
Me too!

Georgina:
All these cookies go past, and every day, all I get to do is press a button to add the vanilla cream. Every 10 seconds, I press the same button. 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … cream … 10 … It’s not worth living for.

Jennifer:
I do that too!

Georgina:
You do what, Jennifer? Repeat everything I say? Follow me around like a lost puppy? Are you in love with me, Jennifer?

Jennifer:
Haha! No!

Georgina:
Then why do you do these things, Jennifer? Are you trying to become me, Jennifer?!

Jennifer:
No!

Georgina:
I think you are, Jennifer. In fact, I noticed that you bought the same frosted pink lipstick that I own. And you’ve started wearing your hair the same as me inside your hairnet. That was my signature style, Jennifer. What else have you done?

Jennifer:
Nothing!

Georgina:
Now that I’m actually looking at you, I think you’ve had a nose job, haven’t you? You’re literally trying to become me!

Jennifer:
What are you talking about?

Georgina:
Don’t play dumb with me, Jennifer. I’ve seen you sneaking photos of me while I’ve been working. I’ve watched you practising my perfect model walk during our ten-minute lunch hour. And I saw you talking to my husband the other day. I won’t stand for it, Jennifer!

Jennifer:
I was asking your husband for directions to the bus stop.

Georgina:
Oh, SURE you were! You know, Jennifer, you’ll never be good enough to press the cream button. I know you think you can do it. Sure, it looks like the flour button, or the butter-adding button, but there’s an art to this button. I’ve worked here for 56 years to get to the cream button and there’s no way that I’m giving it up before I die. Especially not to an idiotic moron like yourself!

Jennifer:
I don’t think you can use the words idiotic or moron.

Georgina:
Can’t I, Jennifer? What else can’t I do? Can I not … pull off your hairnet? (She pulls off Jennifer’s hairnet.)

Jennifer:
What are you doing?!

Georgina:
Can I not … rip the sleeves off your uniform? (She rips off the sleeves of Jennifer’s uniform.)

Jennifer:
Stop it!

Georgina:
Can I not … get rid of you forever?!?! (She pushes Jennifer into the cookie press.)

Jennifer:
NOOOOO!

Georgina:
(turns to the worker next to her) So … what does your button do?

THE END

Dear Arthur,

Your piece made me laugh out loud. It is really one-sided, but I feel like maybe your quirky writing style might be tricky for others to match. It’s great, though. You really went with it and made it work!

Hark

October 6th

Dear RJ,

Man, it’s cool to have Robbie back in town. We hung out all day yesterday. We played video games and we hung out at the elementary school playground for a bit and we got pizza and we saw a movie. It was epic. I forgot how funny Robbie is in real life. He was imitating all his new teachers and the other guys trying out for the football team. I can’t believe that he isn’t in Drama at his school. He should be a stand-up comedian. I’m going to ask my dad if I can visit him for Remembrance Day or something. He said that his mom is really strict though and doesn’t let him or Caleb leave the house except for “mom-sanctioned activities.” He said she calls them “MSAs.” It sounds so stupid. No wonder Robbie tried out for football. I would try and spend as much time away from home too if my mom had done something like that. Still, I like the sounds of a vacation, even if it is in Lethbridge.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: October 8, 17:02

Dear Kennedy,

I was thinking of asking you for that favour that you owe me from the fall carnival. Can you write the article about Ms Kraleigh for me? There are a few reasons why.

1) It’ll look great on your leadership award application! I’m pretty sure she’s in charge of picking the person, so then you can really show her how great you are!

2) I think she might hate me. She definitely doesn’t understand my sense of humour. If she brings it up, I wasn’t making fun of her shoes by asking if she was going to her bowling league after work. I really thought she was wearing bowling shoes. It was part of my “getting to know you” interview. She didn’t take it well.

3) I may have said some things that I shouldn’t have when she said that she wanted to make the school a bully-free zone. I just don’t think that you get to declare a bully-free zone and
poof!
all bullying is done. Anyway, our conversation may have gone off track at that point, and so maybe you could do it.

Would you mind? I really do think you can make a great impression. Just don’t bring up a bully-free zone, or her shoes. She’s a little sensitive about those subjects.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean