Notes from the Life of a Total Genius (14 page)

February 14th

Dear RJ,

So it’s Valentine’s Day, so what? It’s just another normal day. There’s nothing that I’m missing out on today by not having a girlfriend. In fact, I’m not even interested in any girls. I don’t care what Kennedy and whoever she’s dating these days are doing tonight. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s lame. I’m pretty convinced that no one actually likes romance. It’s so much work, and it feels so fake. Besides, what is romantic about winter in Calgary? It’s freezing cold and covered in snow. Yeah, like that’s a good time to strike up a romance. Ha! I’m glad I’m not dating anyone! I can just hang out and do whatever I want tonight. Everyone else is a sucker!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

February 15th

Dear RJ,

Robbie kissed Hayley last night. I don’t know how that guy learned such smooth moves. He sure never had charm like that last year. Maybe there’s something in the wind in Lethbridge. I bet the wind just gusted and he lost his balance and his face fell onto her lips.

It’s not fair, RJ. Why does he get a girlfriend, and I can’t even get a friend? His brother is a criminal and he’s bad at spelling and his mom is super strict! I’m a good-looking, really smart and funny guy with a heart of gold. In the movies my mom used to watch, it’s me who’s supposed to get the girl, not guys like Robbie.

I don’t mean it, RJ. I know Robbie’s cool and stuff. I know I should be happy that his life is turning out perfect. But I can’t help feeling annoyed. Why does nothing like that ever work out for me?

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

By Arthur Bean

One can’t help but be superstitious when you need all the help in life that you can get. Which is probably why so many people believe in superstitions.

I wish I could tell you that I’m above all that and I think they’re dumb, but I think a lot of superstitions became superstitions because they are actually just good advice. Take, for example, “Never walk under a ladder.” Of course you shouldn’t walk under a ladder! The person using the ladder could fall on top of you! They won’t die, but you sure could. So, I follow “Never walk under the ladder” as part of the Laws of A. Bean.

Another superstition that is one of the Laws of A. Bean is “You will have bad luck if a black cat crosses your path.” This one is particularly true. Pickles is a black-and-white cat and seriously, every second time she walks in front of me, something bad happens that day. She walked in front of me yesterday: BAM! Surprise Science quiz! A few weeks ago, she walked in front of me twice in one day, and I stubbed my toe on the couch and burnt my tongue on dinner. Clearly, there is some kind of evil force at work here.

One superstition that I really like, but have yet to put to the test, is that you can never give someone a knife as a gift, or else it will sever your relationship. I’m considering trying it with someone … maybe, I don’t know, Ms Kraleigh. You know, just to test it out. If she goes away and we never see each other again, then I’ll put it on my list!

There are a few that don’t make any sense to me. For example, there’s one about red skies and sailors that my mom used to say, but I am highly sceptical that it matters to sailors what colour the skies are in Alberta. There’s a mountain range between us and the next ocean. If they are worried about that, they have bigger problems, namely, the fact that they should be able to avoid a mountain range in their boat, so maybe they should consider a career change.

The one that makes me really roll my eyes is that you should never light three cigarettes with the same match. You know why? Because you shouldn’t be lighting cigarettes in the first place. They’re gross and they stink, and of course you’re going to die if you smoke. Maybe this superstition is there to stop dumbasses who smoke from having friends who smoke too. I guess there’s a reason for everything.

Arthur,

First, please watch your language in your assignments. It’s not appropriate, even if I might agree with you about the detriments of smoking.

Second, while I appreciate the sentiments that you’ve laid out in describing which superstitions you believe in versus which you do not, I would like you to work on developing a professional tone to your work. Your narrative voice is quite casual, and while it works for some pieces, it’s important that you are able to pull yourself away from the subject matter and write in a more neutral manner.

Ms Whitehead

Dear Leg Breakers,

I wanted to apologize to all of you for the miscommunication that led to this afternoon’s meeting. I know you all worked very hard on your plays, and I’m so proud of all the blood, sweat and tears that you put into writing them. They are all fantastic, and you should be so happy with them!

As you heard from Ms Kraleigh today, the content that we tackled in our plays isn’t really appropriate for a public play festival. I should have consulted with her before we went forward as far as we did.

This doesn’t mean the end of the Leg Breakers, though! We still have time to mount a play, and Ms Kraleigh has suggested something that could be great. We’ll be performing Coming of Age, a musical all about being a teenager! I remember my school put it on when I was in junior high, and with a little updating, I think we can really make it shine!

If any of you would like to talk about this more, my classroom door is always open. Let’s look at this as a learning opportunity for all of us, and a chance to tackle a different type of challenge!

Love you guys for being so cool about all this!

Hark

February 24th

Dear RJ,

I was so mad about today’s Leg Breakers meeting that I almost didn’t go to fencing. Dad told me that I’d probably feel better hitting something, so I went, and he was right. At least I got to forget about it for a few minutes. But then Millie brought it up, and then I got mad again.

I can’t believe that Kraleigh would do this! It’s not like we’re six years old. We’re practically adults! I’m sure it was my play that she hated, because she has no sense of humour, and even though she acted like she was talking about all our plays, I could tell that she wanted to just be talking to me.

We’ve been working so hard on these shows. We should be allowed to show our plays, especially since people would be paying to see them. They are choosing to come; if the subject matter insults them, then they could just not come! This is definitely not over, RJ. I’m not going to just let her do whatever she wants!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

February 28th

Dear RJ,

We read through
Coming of Age
today, and there’s NO way I’m doing that play for Leg Breakers. It’s the worst play ever written. We had a read-through today after school and it was awful. It was written in the 80s, and it’s so stupid. The songs are titled things like “Peer Pressure, You’re Bringing Me Down,” and “Puberty Blues!” The plot is really lame, and the whole thing is embarrassing to read, so I can’t imagine what it would be like to act. Hark pretended like it was really great, but when the whole group was groaning about it, he said that it wasn’t so bad, and we could work as a team to fix it and make it more contemporary. But I think it’s unfixable. I definitely won’t be in it, and I told Hark that. I felt bad telling him, especially because a bunch of other people in the group said that they didn’t want to do it either. I know he’s just trying to make us feel better, but I don’t know why he doesn’t just tell Kraleigh to back off and let us do our own thing.