NOCTE (Nocte Trilogy #1) (30 page)

QUADRAGINTA
TRES

I’m
dreaming again on the fourth day.
 

I dream that Finn and I are walking on
the trails, doing yoga on the cliffs, swimming in the ocean, crab fishing.
 
It’s always Finn and me, because he’s
not in my reality anymore.
 
He’s
gone. But in my dreams, he lives.
 

In my dreams, he’s everywhere,
surrounding me.
 

And then when I wake up, when I look at
all of those places he should be, he’s not there.

He’s gone.
 

Today, when I wake, Dare’s waiting for me
in Finn’s desk chair.
 
It’s morning
and he looks impossibly casual and elegant in his slim, fitted clothing as he
sprawls out in the sun.
 

“I don’t think I can stay here,” I tell him,
my voice husky with sleep and harsh with memories.
 
“Everywhere I go… reminds me.”

Dare nods.
 
“I know.”

“What should I do?” I whisper.
 

He shakes his head.
 
“I can’t decide for you.”

“I don’t want to leave Finn,” I say
shakily.
 
But Dare
shakes his head again.
 

“Finn’s not here, Calla-Lily.”

I gulp, because he’s not.
 

“It’s so strange,” I muse woodenly.
 
“I kept thinking that Finn was trying to
convince me to go to the cemetery to say goodbye to my mom.
 
But it was really my own mind, trying to
make me see reality, wasn’t it?”

Dare stares at me, sympathy in his eyes.
“I don’t know.
 
Maybe so.”

“I need to say goodbye to them both,” I
tell him. “But I can’t today.
 
I
just need a minute to wrap my mind around it.”
 

“Take as much time as you need,” Dare
says wisely.
 
“You can’t rush
it.
 
We’ll go as slow as you want.”

He pulls me to him and I stand there, my
forehead against his chest, his hands rubbing my back.
 

My hands burn and I pull away, examining
them.
 

I’ve got blisters across my palms, reddish
and peeling, because they’re in the process of healing.
 
I hadn’t even noticed them until now,
although it’s clear they’ve been there for a while.
 

“You’ve been chopping wood,” Dare offers,
and I cringe.
 
I cringe because I
know
why.
 

“That was Finn’s job,” I say aloud.
 
“I must’ve… I must’ve thought I was
Finn. And that my dad would need wood when we went away to college.”

Dare nods solemnly in agreement and I
still can’t figure out why he would stay with me.
 
I’m such a mess.

“It’s like my mind was a rope,
splintering and unraveling until it was hanging by a thread.”

Dare shakes his head and pulls me close
again.

“You needed time to process what
happened.
 
That’s all.”

“I’m still not ready.”
 
My voice breaks at the thought of moving
on without Finn.
 

“I know.”

Four more days pass before I bring it up
again. Four days of my father and Dare watching me for signs that I’m cracking,
four days of rain and sleep and silence.
 

Four days of mourning.
 

Four days of having it hang over my head
until one morning, I’ve had it.
  

“I’ve got to do it today,” I decide at
breakfast. Dare immediately stands up.

“Ok.”

I ride on the back of his back on the way
to the cemetery, my face pressed against his strong back.
 
I close my eyes and inhale the fresh
air, absorbing the sunshine, feeling the warmth.

Warmth = Life.
 

We pull to a stop outside the gates and
Dare kills the motor, careful to respect the sacred grounds of the burial
place.
 

“It’s so odd,” I tell him as we walk
through the manicured grounds, stepping around stones.
 
“I remembered my mother’s funeral, but I
didn’t remember a thing about Finn’s.
 
We had a joint funeral, but my mind blocked out anything that had to do with
Finn.
 
But I remember it now.
 
You were there.
 
I saw your face.
 
You were in the back.”

At
that point, I didn’t even remember him.
 
God.
 

Dare squeezes my hand and we walk
straight to the back, straight to the white marble headstones that mark the
ground.
 

I look at my mother’s first, because even
though it’s
gut-wrenching
, it’s easier.
 

LAURA PRICE. I trace the name with my
finger, sinking to my knees.
 

“I’m sorry, mom,” I whisper to her. “I’m
so sorry I called.
 
I’m so sorry you
answered. Please forgive me.
 
I love
you.
 
I love you.”

I kiss my fingers and press them to the
stone, and then I do the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.
 

I turn and say goodbye to my
brother.
 

My Finn.
 

Finn’s memorial stone is white and glows
in the late afternoon sun.
 
The
writing on it brings tears to my eyes, because I recognize it immediately…
.it’s
very similar to what Mark Twain had inscribed on his
daughter’s stone.
  

The words on Finn’s blur as tears fill my
eyes once again, or still.
   

Good
night, sweet Finn.
 
Good night, good
night.
 

I tear up for a thousand reasons, and one
of them is my dad.
 
He must’ve paid
attention to me over the years after all, because I’d told him once how
heart-wrenching
and beautiful I thought this particular
epitaph was.
 
And when it was time
to pick Finn’s stone, I wasn’t in a position to help.

But my dad had remembered, and this is
perfect.
 

It’s exactly what I would’ve chosen for
my brother.
 

I sink to the ground in front, not caring
that the earth is muddy and wet, and trace the words with my fingers.
 

Good
night, sweet Finn.
 

He
was
sweet.
And kind and good and funny.
 
He was brilliant and witty and sharp. He
was my brother, my best friend, half of my soul.
  
He was all of those things and
more.
 
He was
more than
anyone else ever knew or ever would know.
 
Because I was the only one lucky enough
to really know him.
 

“I miss you,” I whisper.
 
“God, I miss you.”

I slump against the cool marble, and I
talk to my brother. I talk to him like he’s sitting right here with me.
 
I tell him about dad, Dare and my mental
break.
 

“So I’m crazy, too,” I tell him.
 
“And I always thought I needed to worry
about
you.”

I feel
Dare
sigh
behind me, because I know he wants to tell me that I’m not crazy, but he
doesn’t interrupt.
 
He just stands
aside and lets me do what I need to do.

“I think I have to leave,” I tell Finn.
“I don’t want to leave you, but you’re not really here, and I can’t stay.
 
Not right now.
  
It’s too hard.
 
Do you understand?”

His cold marble stone doesn’t reply and I
lean my cheek against it, desperately wishing that Finn were here.
 

But he’s not.
 

I’m wiping away a tear when I see
it.
 

I stiffen and startle and stare.
 

A dragonfly hovers nearby.
 

Large and shiny, it’s greenish-blue wings
shimmer in the late afternoon sun.
 
It watches me, unafraid, as it hangs in the
air,
it’s gorgeous wings fluttering fast.
 
It seems to be here for me, because it doesn’t move away.
 
It simply waits with me, watching me.

My heart pounds and I’m frozen in
shock.
 

“Finn,” I breathe.
 

I’m not crazy enough to believe the
insect is Finn.
 
However, I
am
crazy enough to think that Finn is
here, somewhere, and that he sent the dragonfly as a sign.
 

He’s
ok.
 

I’m suddenly surrounded by a strange
peace, by something ethereal and
other-worldly
and I
think it must be real.
 

Finn is bringing me comfort, like he
always has.
 

“I love you,” I whisper.
 
“I will
always
love you.”
 

The sunlight hits the dragonfly just so,
and it makes it look like it winks at me.
 
I smile through my tears, and it flies away.
 
I watch it go, and the peace that has
wrapped around me spreads inside, to my heart.
 

I’m still in pain, but for the first time
in over a week, I feel calm, quiet, hopeful.

The air around me feels reverent and
sacred somehow, and I hesitate to move, to get up,
to
take a step.
 
But I have to, because
I know that’s the most important thing. That’s the point, that’s what Finn was
here for.
 

To move me forward.

To show me that he’s okay, that I’m okay,
and that I need to move forward without him.

It’s scary because I’ve never been
without him before.
 
But at the same
time, I know that I’m not alone.
 

I look up at Dare.
 

“That was real, right?”

He looks at me, confused.
 

“The dragonfly.
 
Did you see it?”

He nods. “Yeah, why?”

“Because… the story.”
  
I tell him the story that I
thought Finn had told me, the one that I’d actually read in his journal.
 
The one about the
dragonflies.
 
And
Heaven.
 
And peace.

When I’m finished, Dare’s eyes are wide.

“Do you think it was Finn?” I ask
seriously.

Dare shakes his head.
 
“I don’t know.
 
But it was a sign. Whether it was from
God or from Finn or your mom.
 
It
was a sign.
 
I believe that, Calla.”

I’m
not crazy.
 

I smile and close my eyes, soaking in the
warmth.
 

It is here, in the sun and against my
will, that I feel peaceful for the first time since Finn died.
 
It’s an amazing feeling, and I’m afraid
to move, out of fear that when I do, the feeling will be gone.
 

But when I open my eyes again, it’s still
here.

I’m still warm.

I’m still alive.
 

And Dare is with me.
 
He smiles down at me, holding out a hand
to help me up. I get to my feet,
then
stare at my
brother’s name again.
 

Good
night, sweet Finn.

“I love you, Finn,” I tell him, as I lean
forward and kiss the top of his stone.
 
“I’ll see you later.”

We walk through the cemetery arches but
before we climb back onto the bike, I pause, staring up at the most handsome
face in the world.

“It was you,” I tell him softly.
 
“You’re the thing that brought me
back.
 
You gave me reality.
 
You tethered me, anchored me,
loved
me.
 
I
thought you were going to break me, but that’s just because I didn’t
understand.
 
You were trying to help
me all along.”

He pulls me to him and kisses me
softly.
 
“I love you, Calla.”