NOCTE (Nocte Trilogy #1) (25 page)

“You’ve been such a gentleman,” I start,
before I lose my nerve.
 
“And it’s
sexy as hell, I’ll admit.
 
You’re
sexy.
And beautiful.
 
And I want to be close to you,
Dare.
 
I want it more than I’ve ever
wanted anything.”

Dare swallows. I see his throat move, I
see him grip his leg with long fingers.
 

“And?” he asks hesitantly.
 
“What is your question?”

He swallows again.
 

“Be with me,” I urge him.
 
“Today. Right now.
 
Out here where it’s
only the two of us.
 
Please.”

Dare closes his eyes, and his face
is
bathed by the sun.
 

“That’s not a question,” he states
softly.
 
But his hands are gripping
his legs so tightly his knuckles are turning white.
 

I move over, close, close, closer.
 
Until my thigh is
pressed against his, and I unclasp his fingers from his thighs.
 
Leaning over our intertwined hands, I
kiss his neck, beginning at the base, slowly and softly working my way up to
his ear.
 

“Will you be with me?
 
Today?”
 
I whisper in his ear.
 
With my last raspy word, I release his
hand and slide mine along his inner thigh.
 
I feel him harden beneath my fingers, pulsing through his jeans.
 

He closes his eyes and I tighten my
fingers, increasing my grip.
 

“Don’t,” he whispers.
 
His voice husky and so
sexy.
 

“That’s not an answer,” I tell him,
stroking him through the denim.
 
A surge
of feminine power shoots through me, lifting me up, propelling me onward, until
my own hormones explode and cloud my thoughts.

“I want you, Dare,” I tell him hotly, all
logic and reason abandoning me.
 
And
then I kiss him, pressing my body into his, plunging my tongue into his hot
mouth.
 
His hands come up and lift
me until I’m straddling him and I feel his hardness, his rigidity, pressing
between my legs.

He’s
hard for me.
 

I swallow hard, absorbing his moan,
sucking it down.
 

“You don’t know what you want,” he rasps
into my neck.
 

“I do,” I insist quietly, rocking in his
lap, grinding my hips into his,
creating
an exquisite,
amazing friction.
 
“I’ve wanted you
all along.”

Dare pulls away, his dark eyes heavy-lidded
with want for me.
 
Warmth floods me,
wetting my panties and I cling to him.
 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”
 
My answer is simple.

With a growl,
Dare
scoops me up, and carries me down the peninsula, to a place where the ground is
soft.
 
He lays me down, on his knees
above me, gloriously back-lit.
 

“I shouldn’t,” he wavers.
 

“You have to,” I tell him, grabbing him
and pulling him down on top of me.
 

His weight is delicious and perfect and
he molds into me, making it seem like we’re one person as we writhe together,
trying desperately to get closer.
 

His tongue finds mine, as his fingers
explore my body, every inch,
every
hidden place. I
arch against him, palmed in his hand, as he finds where I want him the
most.
 

“Please,” I say softly, my breath
escaping me.
 
Dare smiles against my
lips, knowing the effect on me, knowing and loving it.
 

He leans forward and rests his forehead
against mine, and we’re so very close that I can feel his breath mingling with
mine as his hands work absolute magic.
 
Pleasure laps against me, like the water against the shore and I lose
all cognizant thought, and instinct takes over.
 

I tug at his jeans, unbuttoning them and
pushing them away, and suddenly, he’s naked and in my hand, long and thick and
bare
.
 

I can’t breathe.
 

I can’t think.
 

I can only move.

I slide my hand along him, softly,
gently, then harder,
harder
.
 

He bucks into me, his eyes shuttering
closed.
 

“I’ve waited for this,” he murmurs into
my neck, as he wedges his rigidity into my thighs, closer, closer.
 
“For so long.”

“Please,” I say again, my hand cupped
around his neck, pulling his mouth to mine, so I can taste him, inhale
him.
 
He pulls off my sundress, and
stares at me in the sunlight, as the light exposes every plane of my body to
his searching eyes.
 

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers, his eyes
glittering in the sun.
 
“You’re so
much better than I deserve.”
 

Wordlessly, he pulls back for a moment,
and I protest, but then I hear the crinkle of a wrapper and he’s back, and he’s
sliding into me and I can’t think anymore.

Motions become blurs, blurs become
colors, and all I can do is feel.
 

His hands, his mouth, his skin.
 
The way he slides in and out of me, the friction causing me to crest in
waves, his fingers bringing me to it faster.
 

“I…you…
God
,” I manage to say, because the words I want won’t come.

Dare smiles slightly and slides back into
me, moaning my name.
 

“I want you to know me,” he says, his
voice a husky chant. “I want you know me.”

I’m
knowing
him now
like I’ve wanted to for weeks.
 
Intimate and close and I can’t believe this is finally happening, I
can’t believe it’s so amazing, I can’t focus, I can’t focus, I can’t
focus.
 

The lights, the sun, the sea, Dare’s
scent, his fingers, his hands.

I grip his back, where his words say LIVE
FREE and I’ve never felt freer in my entire life.
 

And then my world explodes in a
kaleidoscope of colors and lights.
 

I’m limp as I cling to him, as he finally
arches against me and groans and says my name in a ragged whisper before
collapsing against me, his head against my chest, his beautiful hands holding
me close.
  

I can’t even answer.
 
My legs are shaky
,
my mind is spinning
.
 
But as I come back to myself, as my
thoughts form logically together again, as the sun hangs heavy in the sky, with
the oranges and reds on the water, something comes to me. Something Dare said
in the heat of the moment, exact words that I’ve heard before in my dreams.
 

You’re
better than I deserve.
  

TRIGENTA
QUINQUE

My
swollen lips part and I stare at him, at the face I love, at the lips that just
spoke words from my dream.

It’s impossible.
 

Yet it’s not.
 

“You… there’s something….” my voice
trails off and he looks at me questioningly, a smile lingering on his lips, the
after effects of something beautiful.

Something that’s now tarnished by ugliness.
  

By confusion.
 

“You said I’m better than you deserve,” I
say shakily, not wanting to speak the truth, because the truth sounds
crazy.
 
“Why would you say that?”

He shrugs.
 
“Because you’re soft and honest and
beautiful.
 
You’re better than I
deserve.”

“But why?” I demand persistently,
refusing his answer.
 
“You must have
a reason.”

He shakes his head, still staring, still questioning.
 

“It doesn’t make sense,” I tell him.
  

 
“Life doesn’t make sense sometimes, Cal,”
is his only reply.
 
He takes his
hand away now, the warmth gone from me, and my fingers turn instantly cool with
the breeze.
 

It’s his turn to examine me, to study me
in the breeze.
 

“Do you feel ok?” he asks
hesitantly.
 
“Are you… do you… you
seem different.”

I shake my head.
 
“I’m just the same.
 
I just… those words stood out to me
somehow, like I’ve heard them before,
like
you’ve said them before
.”

If I didn’t know better, I’d say he
turned pale.
 
He shakes his head
slowly, with such a strange expression on his face.
  

“Do you know why?” he asks strangely, an
odd glint in his eye, his beautiful lips pulled tight.
 

“No. Do you?”
 

He gives me a droll look.
 
“Why would I know your mind?” he asks
vaguely, but his face tells a different story as an expression that puts my
nerves on edge floods his face.
 

“How cryptic,” I murmur.

He shakes his head.
 
“I’m not trying to be.
 
It’s just… I thought… never mind.
 
You’ve got enough to worry about right
now without adding more to it.”
 

“Everyone has secrets,” I say blankly, my
heart numb.
 
He nods.
 

“Yeah.
 
I guess.”

My blood is ice, my heart is heavy, my
very being filled with terror and foreboding, when just a scant moment ago, I
was filled with exquisite belonging.
 
It’s been shattered now, by the sheer expression on Dare’s face.
 

“What are yours?” I ask calmly.
  
“Your secrets, I mean.
 
What are they, Dare?
 
You’re hiding something and I know it.
Just tell me.”

He looks sad as he looks away from me,
and that terrifies me even more.
 
My
heart picks up a little as I wait, pounding in my chest, echoing in my temples.
 

He’s hiding something.
 
  

“I can’t tell you. Not right now.
 
It’s not a good time.”
 
His voice is expressionless, solemn.

“Will there ever be a good time?” I
ask.
 
He shrugs.
 

“I don’t know. I hope so.”

I don’t like that answer.
 

“We just… I… I trusted you,” I tell him
limply.
 
“And I know you’re keeping
a secret and I know it affects me.
 
I can’t…I can’t.”

I crawl off the slippery rocks and walk
quietly back to the boat without another word. Lately, I feel more and more
like I’m the crazy one, like I’m losing my mind, like the whole world is
composed of secrets and I don’t have the slightest clue how to figure them
out.
 

Dare follows me and lifts my hand to help
me into the boat.
 

The quiet between us is loaded and
charged and I don’t know why.
 
I
don’t know why I feel like I’m standing on a precipice and if I make one move,
I’ll fall.
 

When we’re halfway across the bay,
Dare
sits straight up.
 

“Let’s go to your little cove,” he
suggests softly.
 

He sits on the hull, his shirtless chest
gleaming in the dying light, his eyes vulnerable and hopeful and I can’t say
no.

Instead, I just wordlessly steer toward
the cove and wedge the boat on the sand.
 
I don’t know why, I just don’t want to stay here. I have to move.
 
I have to think.
 
I have to try and stay sane, because it
feels like I’m fraying.
 

I don’t know why.
 

All I know is… I suddenly feel lost.
 

Dare holds my hand as we walk through the
water, to the enclosed little inlet that I so love.
 
Without a word, I dig out the little bag
holding the lighter and I make a little driftwood bonfire.

With the violet light surrounding
us ,
we sit facing each other over a tide pool. The moon
rises over the edge of the water and this place seems ethereal and peaceful and
infinite.
 

“Do you trust me?” Dare asks seriously,
his eyes
ever-so-dark
.
 
He brushes a tendril of my hair behind
my ear. “I mean, really trust me?”

I’m puzzled by that
, by his uncertainty.

I’m scared by the hidden meaning of his
words
.
 

I reach up and trace the lines of his
face, the cleft in his chin, the strong jaw,
his
forehead.

“Why wouldn’t I?” I ask finally. “Is
there some reason I shouldn’t?”

“That’s not an answer,” he replies.
 

“Then yes,” I tell him quickly. “I trust
you.”

Don’t
I?

He stares into my eyes, his hands on my
knees. “Would you still trust me if I told you that I want to tell you
everything.
 
That I want to spill
all of my secrets, everything that you’ve been wondering about… but I can’t?”

There is genuine angst in his voice, and
his face is pained and I can’t figure it out.
 

“Are you a mass murderer?” I ask, trying
to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t work.
 
His face doesn’t change.
 

“No. But there are things… that I wish I
could say, but can’t.”

I drop my hand, stricken by the look in
his eye.
 

“Like what?” I ask bluntly.
 
“Just tell me right now. Tell me
all the things,
Dare.”

He ignores that.
 

“Do you believe me when I say I love
you?” he asks instead, his fingers running along my cheek.
 

“I’m not sure why, but yeah.
 
I believe you.”

He looks startled. “Why
wouldn’t
I love you?”

I shrug.
Because no one
else ever has.
 

Aside from my parents and Finn.
 

But I don’t say that.
 

Instead, I face him squarely.
 
“You’re scaring me.
 
If you love me, then you shouldn’t be
afraid to tell me the truth… about anything.
 
Tell me, Dare.”

He stares at me, pausing.
 

“I can’t.
 
It’s about me… who I am.
 
You wouldn’t understand.”

I stare back, my spine straightened like
steel.
 
“Try me.”

He shakes his head, firm.
 
“I can’t.”

Despair like I’ve never felt it before
settles around me like a cloud. I thought he was my anchor, but if he can’t
trust me enough to tell me who he even is, then I can’t trust him with my
heart.
 

Even I know that my heart is too fragile
for that right now.
 

“That’s not good enough,” I tell him
slowly, each word fighting my lips.
 
I don’t want to say them, but I have to.
 
I have to.
 

I have to do what is good for me. What is
smart for
me.

“I’ve got enough secrets around me at the
moment… whatever Finn is hiding.
 
And his drama.
I can’t take it from you too, Dare.
 
I just can’t.
 
If you can’t tell me what is going on
with you… then….” The pain breaks my voice off and tears well up in my
eyes.
 

Dare doesn’t fold.
 
He just stares at me, daring me to say
it.
 
Dare me.

 
“If I can’t tell you what’s going on
with, then
what
?”
 
he
pushes.
 

“Then I can’t be with you.
 
Not if you don’t trust me enough to let
me in.”

Dare sighs and takes my hand, his thumb
stroking mine, but I pull it away.
 

“I mean it.”

“You don’t understand,”
Dare
tells me, his voice harsh. “I’m doing this for
you.
 
To protect
you.
 
There are things you
don’t know.
 
You can’t know, not
right now.
 
I love you, Calla. I do.
 
But you’ve got to trust me.”

“I only trust people who are honest with
me,” I reply evenly.
 
“You’re not
being honest.”

For the life of me, I don’t know how we
went from having an amazing day to this, in the blink of an eye.
  
Dare looks confused too, and shell-shocked
and unsure of what to do.

“God, I want to be,” he
tell
me, his voice razor sharp.
 
“I’m in a bad position, Calla.
 
You don’t understand.”

“I only understand one thing,” I tell him
and my heart threatens to break. “And it’s that I can’t do this right now.
 
If you ever decide that you’re ready for
something else with
me, that
you want to grow up and be
honest, come get me.
 
Until then,
leave me alone.”

I get up and walk down the beach,
fighting the urge to collapse at every step. What did I just do?
 
Am I insane?
 
I feel Dare watching me, I feel his
gaze, and against my will, I glance over my shoulder.
 

He’s staring at
me and
the look
in his eyes tears my insides apart.
 
There’s pain there, raw, honest pain,
and that’s all I can see.
 
It swirls
around and around, and then the stars whirl and suddenly, the world spins.

It’s too much to handle.

Anyone
would crack.
 

So I do.