No Child of Mine (44 page)

So you see
, she told herself,
all this nonsense about them being together for the past twenty-five years can only be that, plain nonsense
.

Of course her mother could be about to tell her that everything she believed about her father was wrong, that it wasn’t him who’d slain her family, but the gangsters who’d controlled him. Maybe they’d been running, hiding from them all these years, and had been too terrified to come near their daughter in case the killers realised who she was. That could be it. Her mother had loved her father, and he was a good man really, who’d fallen in with the wrong people and had never been able to escape them.

If that was so, what had happened to make her mother feel safe enough to contact her now? The obvious answer was that her father had died, but maybe it was more sinister than that. Maybe times had become so hard for them that they were desperate for help. Her mother had known that Myra and Douglas were dead, so maybe she’d also found out that the house was for sale. She could be presuming that she,
Alex, was to receive half the money, so she was going to ask Alex to spare whatever she could.

If her suspicions proved right ... She felt dizzied and sickened by the prospect, but in that case her birth parents were going to find her of no use at all. They might even end up despising her as much as she would them.

Feeling tears pricking her eyes, she went to tear off a square of kitchen roll and tried to shake herself free of her fears. For a few precious moments during the call she’d allowed herself to hear her mother as a kind and decent woman who meant her no harm at all. She must hold on to that and try not to judge her before she’d even met her.

At three o’clock she went to position herself at the sitting-room window, waiting for a stranger’s car to come up the hill and stop outside the house. She could handle this, she was telling herself. Though she knew more than most just what kind of damage a parent could inflict on a child, she was going to find the courage to face whatever might be thrown at her today. And she was going to find it because if the children in her care who’d had all kinds of hell thrown at them, far worse than anything she was ever likely to experience – if they could cope, then so could she.

What she wouldn’t allow herself to think about was how broken, how ruined and unreachable so many – too many – of them eventually became.

Chapter Eighteen

IT WAS JUST
after four o’clock when a black Renault Megane turned out of the village and came slowly up the hill. As Alex waited for it to stop her heart was in her throat, each second seeming to pound like a hammer in her chest, each fear struggling to quash each hope. Then, realising she should go to open the door she ran into the hall, pausing at the mirror for a brief moment to check the mascara and lip shimmer she’d applied half an hour ago. She wanted it to look as though she’d made an effort, but not so much of one as to appear needy or foolish.

Hearing the slam of a car door, followed by the squeal of the front gate, she inhaled deeply to try and press back her nerves.
She was about to meet her mother – her
mother –
for the first time since she was three. Please don’t let me be a disappointment, or do anything to screw it up. Please don’t let her be a disappointment either
.

Anna Reeves was already halfway up the path by the time Alex opened the door, and as their eyes found each other’s Alex felt a bolt of unsteadying recognition hit her heart. She looked exactly like the woman in the photos, only older. She was chic in a casual way, blonde and slim and a little taller than Alex, but they were very alike, even she, Alex, could see it. Anna’s eyes were suddenly filling with tears, her lips trembling with emotion.

‘Oh my goodness,’ she whispered, putting a hand to her mouth. ‘You’re so lovely, so like ... so like Yvonne.’

Yvonne, her aunt. How hard this must be for her mother
. ‘And like you?’ Alex said, feeling strangely detached and slightly breathless.

‘Yes, yes, like me,’ Anna laughed through a sob, and
started to raise her arms for an embrace before suddenly holding back. ‘May I?’ she asked tentatively.

Seeing no reason why not, and feeling perhaps she wanted it too, Alex nodded, and as her mother’s arms went round her she felt awkward for a moment, stiff and embarrassed. Then something stirred deep inside her, a memory perhaps woken by what seemed like something familiar – perhaps it was the smell of her.

In the end Alex started to laugh. ‘You have to let me breathe,’ she told her mother.

Anna laughed too, and putting a hand to Alex’s face she gazed it at wonderingly, incredulously, as though unable to make herself believe this was real. ‘I have dreamt so many times about how this might happen,’ she said in her faintly accented voice. ‘I was so afraid the day might never come, but it’s here at last and you ... you’re all grown up. My baby girl, my precious little angel ...’ Her lips trembled and as she tried to stop herself breaking down, Alex, the professional, drew her into a comforting hug, the way she had for so many mothers over the years.

Where were her own emotions? Why didn’t she seem fully in touch with them?

‘I’m sorry,’ Anna whispered, trying to swallow her tears. ‘I shall pull myself together in a minute.’

‘Let’s go inside,’ Alex said, turning her to the door. ‘Would you like some tea? I expect you’re tired after the drive.’

‘I’m too happy to see you to be tired.’ Her eyes shone with mirth. ‘I’m afraid I want to keep hugging you just to make sure you’re real, or maybe it’s to satisfy my arms, because they’ve felt so empty all these years. Sorry, does that embarrass you? I don’t mean to. I should think before I speak.’

‘It’s fine,’ Alex assured her, leading her into the kitchen. ‘It’s been the same for me, I guess, but now I have a mother, a
real
mother who gave birth to me ...’ She coloured deeply. ‘How’s that for embarrassing us both?’ she said wryly.

‘It’s wonderful,’ Anna laughed, ‘because I am that person, and I remember it so well. You were such a precious gift that I was afraid, right from the start, that I loved you too
much.’ The laughter faded from her eyes. ‘If I hadn’t maybe things would have turned out differently, but I guess it’s impossible to say that for sure. All I do know is that I’ve never given up hope of one day being with you again, and now here we are. That day has finally come.’

Though she wanted to launch straight into a hundred questions, Alex’s inherent politeness made her put them aside, along with all the resentment and bitterness she could feel trying to assert themselves. They wouldn’t be helpful now, and she would only end up hurting herself if she did or said something to spoil this reunion before it had even begun. ‘I should make us that tea,’ she said. ‘Or would you prefer something stronger?’

Anna took a moment to think. ‘Shall we have tea for now and save the stronger for later? I mean, if you don’t have to rush off anywhere.’

‘No, I don’t,’ Alex assured her, while liking the sense of there being a later. ‘I have ordinary Tetley’s, Earl Grey or peppermint.’

‘What are you going to have?’

‘Well, I quite like peppermint.’

‘Then I shall have that too.’ Anna looked around the kitchen, taking it all in.

Is she imagining me growing up here?
Alex was wondering.
How is it comparing to the kind of life we might have had together?

‘Is Gabby out?’ Anna asked, hanging her bag on the back of a chair.

Speaking over her, Alex said, ‘I didn’t realise you were following me on Facebook.’

Anna flushed. ‘I was tempted to let you know, many times, but it just didn’t seem the right way to introduce myself.’

Accepting that it probably wouldn’t have been, Alex said, ‘Gabby’s married with two children and lives in Devon. It’s only me here now, until the place is sold, which actually is about to happen.’
Please don’t let her already know that. Please, please
.

Anna was looking concerned. ‘Is that going to be difficult for you?’ she asked sympathetically. ‘I expect you’re quite attached to it, having grown up here?’

‘Yes, I am,’ Alex admitted, feeling a small rush of relief – she had to stop being suspicious, nothing bad was going to happen, she could see already that this woman,
her mother
, wasn’t here to harm her.

But where was her father?

‘It has to go, though,’ she added. Then, ‘Sorry, I’m forgetting my manners, would you like to use the bathroom?’

Anna brightened in a mischievous sort of way. ‘That would be lovely, thank you.’

‘It’s at the top of the stairs, first door you come to.’

Watching her leave, Alex couldn’t help admiring the way her silvery-blonde hair was folded into an elegant pleat at the back of her head, and how young she appeared from behind in black jeans and a cream-coloured sweater. They had such similar builds, she realised, that at a distance they could probably be mistaken for one another.

Taking two mugs from a cupboard she glanced at the phone as it rang, and decided to let it go through to messages.

‘Hey, it’s me,’ Gabby said from the machine, and Alex felt instinctively glad that Anna was no longer in the room. ‘Have you heard anything yet? Don’t worry too much if you haven’t. Martin and I have been talking it over, and we really think you should tread very carefully with this. I know your great-aunt seemed satisfied that the woman who rang her is your mother, but she’s an old lady now so it could be dead easy to trick her. I mean, obviously, it might all be on the level, but we reckon, before you agree to see anyone or do anything, you should let one of us check her out first, or maybe be there with you. OK, that’s more or less what I rang to say, and I hope you understand that we’re only thinking of you and trying to make sure no one does anything to hurt you. You know where I am if you want to chat. Lots of love to you – the twins send theirs too.’

As the line went dead Alex walked over to the machine and erased the message. She didn’t feel angry with Gabby, but she wasn’t especially thrilled to be treated as though she had no common sense where something so important was concerned. Besides, what did Gabby imagine anyone
could possibly stand to gain from Alex Lake – apart from a share in the proceeds of the house that Gabby already knew were entirely hers? Anyway, once Gabby met Anna for herself she’d have no problem believing that she was exactly who she was claiming to be.

As Anna came back into the room she was smiling and looking at Alex so fondly that Alex almost felt herself starting to thaw.

‘Are you OK?’ Anna asked curiously. ‘You’re looking a little ... worried?’

Alex shrugged. ‘Not really. I suppose I’m just trying to get used to the fact that you’re here. This time yesterday I had no idea where in the world you might be, and now ...’ She threw out a hand. ‘Life is so strange, isn’t it?’

With a captivating irony Anna said, ‘Well, that would be one way of putting it.’

Though Alex smiled, she was thinking of what her mother had gone through all those years ago, and felt herself flush. Life had been a great deal more than merely strange for her. ‘You said earlier, on the phone, that you’d just flown in,’ she reminded her. ‘I was wondering where from?’

Anna raised an eyebrow. ‘Well, this morning I arrived from Dubai, but my journey actually started two days ago, in Auckland.’

Alex’s eyes widened with astonishment. ‘Auckland, New Zealand?’ she asked, realising now where the accent was from – and thinking that it had never even occurred to her that her mother could be somewhere so far away.

And her father?

Anna was pulling out a chair. ‘May I?’

‘Of course,’ Alex quickly replied. ‘Sorry, I should have ...’

‘It’s OK,’ and sitting down, Anna rested her hands on the table as she said, ‘There’s such a lot to tell you ... Of course, I had it all worked out, exactly how I was going to go about it, but now I seem hardly to know where to begin. However, in answer to your question, yes, Auckland, New Zealand. It’s been my home for the past twenty-four years.’

Ever since she’d left the hospital
.

Her head spinning, Alex reached into a cupboard for the tea bags and dropped one into each mug. Thinking of her mother being so far away all these years was throwing her quite badly. It meant that she’d never been close, not even in the moments Alex had felt sure that she was – unless perhaps they’d been thinking about each other at the same moment.

How were they ever to have a relationship from now on, being on opposite sides of the globe?

Why had she bothered to come?

‘Thank you,’ Anna smiled, as Alex handed her the tea. ‘You know, I’m longing to hear all about you, what it was like growing up here. It’s a lovely old house. I can imagine you running around, having a wild old time with Gabby, who’s how much older than you?’

‘Four years,’ Alex replied shortly. She could feel herself starting to shake. She didn’t want to talk about Gabby, or this house, or herself growing up; she wanted answers, truths, apologies ... ‘I’m sorry,’ she suddenly blurted, ‘I can understand that you have questions, but you’ve just turned up here, out of the blue, telling me you’re living in New Zealand, not giving me the first idea of what you want from me, or why you’ve decided to come now ...’ A sob mangled her voice. ‘I don’t need to be messed around,’ she choked angrily. ‘I’ve been doing fine without you all these years, and if you’re going to start disrupting my life ...’

Anna was reaching for her hand, but Alex snatched it away.

‘Please don’t think like that,’ Anna implored. ‘I only want what’s good and right for you, and I’m sorry I didn’t give you more warning. I just didn’t know how to go about it and I can see I’m not getting it right now ...’

‘But you’ve been stalking me on Facebook!’

Anna flinched. ‘Not
stalking
,’ she protested. ‘Just needing to know about you, feeling proud of you and wishing we were a part of one another’s lives.’

‘We would have been if you hadn’t
abandoned
me.’