NEVER GOODBYE (An Albany Boys Novel) (18 page)

Blue sighs again and looks at me, I smile and she rolls her eyes. I’m obviously not giving her the answer she wants.

“Technically, I guess you could say we are on a promise of engagement, but not engaged per se,” she says, waving her hands around. She’s nervous and I keep chuckling.

I can’t help myself. “Spin it how you will, Blue. You promised to marry me and a part of agreeing to this means you are engaged to me.
En-gage-d
.” I’m goading her as I stand and wrap my arm around her waist, resting my hand on the skin of her hip. “Come on, just say it. You’ll feel better.”

Blue wiggles against me, her cheeks are flushed and she looks so healthy and happy. Her hands go to her hips, one almost touching mine and she looks at me trying to appear cross which only makes me laugh more because she looks so damn cute. Especially in her bikini.

“How am I going to find the right guy if you tell the world I’m unavailable and engaged to you?”

I pull her closer and she gasps just enough to make me want to kiss her open lips. “Who says I’m going to help you find another guy? Who says I’m not the right guy and you needn’t look further?”

We stand there. My eyes never wavering from hers and she the same. I don’t know if this is a game of stale mate or what, but I’m happy to lose as my eyes drop to those lips and fall in to taste them again. That is until Luke opens his fat trap.

“You guys are ridiculously crazyballs. Come on, Bonny. Let’s leave them to it before I throw up, or sober up.”

I give him a shove as he strides past with his flavor of the day following behind. He grins and winks at me and I know we’re cool.

At least that’s something we have going for our relationship as brothers. We want peace. You’d be amazed at how much you want it when there is little around you.

Luke and flavor grab drinks from their cooler and head back to the fire while I pull Blue to sit on the tailgate beside me, hoping she hasn’t closed the door on me again. I feel like every time we get close, something happens and we take a few steps back again.

“You want to come back out for another swim?” I ask.

She looks out at the water that is dotted with friends and floating devices and … a blow up doll. Blue laughs when she spots it as I do and I can actually feel her body relax.

“I’m thinking we could nab the large floating bed and lay on it together,” she says with a grin and I love how she thinks.

I jump off and grab her hand and pull her to me. I kiss her so hard my lips and hers are no longer separate entities. If I don’t kiss her now I might not be able to for a while with all of those deviants and hooligans out in the water.

If we didn’t need air to breathe I think we would never stop kissing. She’s like some sort of top-shelf drug, I only need to smell her or see her and I want everything there is to offer and more. It’s a dangerous feeling, I’m fully aware of that. But how can I stop? How do I convince my emotions and physical reactions to stay away when everything is telling me to hold on tight because I won’t have her for long?

That one feeling is the scariest of all. Not love, not desperation or devotion and addiction. It’s fear. Fear of losing her. I don’t know whether I’m scared because I feel like I have nothing to offer someone who is so talented and has such a bright future ahead, or if I’m scared because she’s so guarded about our relationship. Then there’s the possibility that I could lose her to another guy come tomorrow morning at school. Fear is my enemy right now and I want to grip onto her so tight it scares the shit out of me. My forehead is resting on hers and my eyes are closed as I breathe her in and rein in the tidal wave of emotions. I don’t even give her enough time to comprehend what I’m doing when I shift my weight, grab her around the waist and heave her over my shoulder.

Her yelps of surprise turn into giggles that shake her whole body. Even though she’s begging me not to, I take her down to the pier and stand at the edge with my toes dangling at the perimeter of the water.

Footy is spurring me on to throw her in the water and people are laughing. I pat her butt cheek as she begins to kick and scream amongst her fit of giggles. I love her giggles and I
love
her butt.

“Are we engaged?” I ask her and her fit subsides some, but not totally.

“Will you put me down?”

“It depends on your answer.”

“If I say yes will you put me down?” She’s still giggling a little, but the kicking has stopped, thank Christ, because even though she’s small it’s a pain to balance on the edge.

“Yes.”

“Then technically, I guess we are engaged.”

I chuckle. She has still gotten her small piece of a ‘pass’ in and I could let her away with it. I probably should. Yet, I’ve given her enough freebies lately and this isn’t going to be one of them. I pull her from my shoulder and drop her off the edge and into the water. She screams until the water swallows her voice and splash cascades over me. I wait for her to rise and, although she makes a cute little cough, I know she’s fine. I back up a few steps before leaping from the pier and make a perfect somersault in the air, crashing into the water like a complete show off.

When I break the surface my face is swamped with water and I know without a doubt that the splashes and laughter are coming from Blue.

Between laughing hard and trying to breathe through the water flooding my mouth I can’t get a decent lungful of air. So I do all I can think to do; I dive under the water where I can hear her laughter in a high muffle and I can see her kicking her legs frantically. She’s trying to get away from me but she isn’t fast enough. I’m able to swim under her and, with just enough air, I get just in front of her so that when I rise above the surface her face is right in front of me, screaming.

What I don’t account for is her thrashing legs changing direction and her foot making contact with a very important area.

              Jarrod Dickson was admitted to the emergency when he was kicked in the giblets and right now, as my lungs collapse into prunes and I think I’ll probably drown, I realize that whatever physical pain there is in the world would never amount to the pain I’m in now.

              “Sorry, sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to,” Blue cries in my ear. I don’t make out much more than that and as much as I love this girl, I can’t make her feel better. Every thought I have is consumed by the belief that my little dudes are all brain damaged and the idea of future children has probably gone out the window with my sanity.

              I need to get to the shore or pier because I really don’t know how long I’m going to be able to stay afloat. The pain is so intense and I think I’m going to hurl.

              “Vaun? Are you okay? I’m so sorry.”

              I nod because all that’s coming from my mouth is grunting noises and heavy breathing. If I can just get my breathing under control maybe I can tell her not to worry. It was an accident and there is nothing she can do that will make it better. It’s just one of those things. One of those things that will haunt me until I die.

              Before I know what is happening, one of the floats is beside me and Blue’s trying to thread her arm around my chest to keep me afloat. I’m lying on my back in an almost fetal position, curled into a ball, grinding my teeth. She’s struggling to hold the float and me, whimpering a little. All she seems to be doing is scratching me and stressing herself out more.

              ‘If I wasn’t trying to keep from crying out to God for forgiveness before the blackness consumes me I’d be laughing my damned ass off. But for now all I want is for the pain to go away and for Blue to stop tormenting herself.

              I feel the pier tire knock my head and Luke is there, pulling me out of the water. It hurt, but nowhere near as much as the burning down under, and then it all becomes a bit of a blur of movement, laughter, blessed ice and Blue’s concerned face. It’s totally embarrassing, but I could handle it as long as Blue would smile again. I think I might be a bit delirious because as Luke is helping me into my truck I’m thinking that I would go through all of this pain again if she would just smile, even a little. When I’m in the truck and my head is by her lap she runs her fingers through my hair before she starts the drive and I realize that it could all be worth the pain.

              At least I get to have her to myself for a while. It’s not the way I wanted our day to end, not by a mile, and I think I have frozen peas for nuts under the bag of ice, but the pain is almost gone. All I want is to be alone with her without disruption or ogling eyes.

I know, I know, I should expect the guys to look at her, but I certainly don’t have to friggin’ like it.

              We hit a couple of bumps in the property and her face is tight as she concentrates, getting us back to the road. I can’t stop staring at her, but I do try to ignore the bounce in her breasts as she drives because I don’t know what kind of pain it will bring if my dick starts to react when she glances down at me.

              “You okay?” She chews on her lip, glances back out the front window and then back at me again. “I’m taking you to the hospital.”

              I laugh once and try to sit up. She slams on the brakes and skids the truck across the grass and I can feel the ass end fishtail before I end up tumbling off the seat.

              “Shitshitshit. I’m so sorry. OhmyGod,” Blue cries grabbing my shoulder which is shaking so hard from laughter. Yeah I’m laughing, ‘cause the girl of my dreams is trying to kill me.

              “Put it in park,” I manage to say and hold in my laugh. She does, but as I manage to sit beside her I notice she’s crying and I feel like a complete asshole.

              “Blue,” I sigh, grabbing her and pulling her body to me, absorbing the tiny sobs. “Don’t cry. It’s fine. I’m fine. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

              Suddenly she sits up and looks at me with those blurry, watered eyes that break my heart.

              “I am your worst enemy. First I kick you in the jewels and then I damn near kill you because I didn’t think. Look at you; you have a red bump on your head. What if you have concussion?”

              I laugh once before I suck in my lips and the stupid grin as I feel my forehead. Yeah, I feel it now, but I’ve had way worse and survived. “I was joking about you killing me and I don’t have a concussion.”

              “You wouldn’t know if you had a concussion or not.”

              “Blue, baby, I don’t have a concussion.”

              Before she could argue any further Travis pulls up on his ATV. “What’s up?”

              “I was following you out when he scared me, so I pulled up and he fell off the seat and hit his head. We have to go to the hospital and have him checked for a concussion,” Blue rushes, getting more worked up.

              Travis looks at me, his eyes wide, and I shake my head. “I don’t have a concussion and we aren’t going to the hospital.” I say and Travis glances back to Blue before he comes back to me and shrugs.

              “Whatever, man. Either way, it looks like you don’t need me anymore so I’m going back before they eat all my fish and drink my beer.”

              “You go, bro. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I’m actually kinda looking forward to spending a day at school with Blue. But first I need her to calm down.

              “See ya.” He nods to me and then winks at Blue. “Tomorrow.” And then he’s pulling on the throttle and he’s gone, roostering dirt and grass up the side of my truck.

              Blue with her wide, blue jay eyes are staring me down with concern, but I just smile and lean in to kiss her cheek. “I’m fine. I promise.”

              “I wish you would reconsider.”

              “I wish for a lot of things and one of them is that you and I get some time alone. I told you I wanted to show you a place that is close to my heart. Let’s go there now. What do you say?”

              She’s quiet, though it’s obvious she is leaning towards my idea over a hospital, at least that’s what I’m hoping.

              “Okay, but no excitement.”

              “I can’t help getting excited and if I do … it’s because of you.” Yeah, cheesy. I know and don’t care a frack either. It’s worth it to see her face.

              “Shut up. Any talk like that and I’ll be taking you to the hospital before you can say ‘I’m a secret sci-fi nerd’.”

              “I’m not a secret sci-fi nerd,” I protest and laugh when she tilts her head and grins. “I like some sci-fi movies and shows, but no more than anyone else.”

              “If I were to ask the first person we come across today if they watch Battlestar Galactica, what would they say?”

              “Oh come one. That show isn’t as well-known as others.”

              “Whatever.”

              “No. Not whatever.” She’s laughing and so am I, but pushing her for paying me out is something I’m going to enjoy. I pretty much lunge at her and her squeal is loud in the cab. I love her squeal, almost as much as her laugh. Will her moan take its place?

              I don’t doubt it. Not one bit.

***

We have to go to Dad’s first. I left my other set of keys there and we’ll need those to get into my room at the nursery.

Pulling into the drive the heaviness begins to take over me and the shadow deepens in Blue’s eyes. We both clearly hate it here and want to get out as soon as possible before the day is completely ruined by the shitty existence that is my life. It seems like Harper Kennedy is the only ray of sunshine in it and I want to keep her there. Yeah, probably selfish of me, but my gut tells me she needs me, too. Maybe more than she’s willing to admit and I’m scared to death it will be more than I can cope with. But I’ll fight and be there for her no matter what and won’t give in because I love her. Yep, it’s fucking love.

The girl can kick me in the balls, crack me in the head with my own dash and I’ll still goddamn love her. Probably even more so after.

“Are you okay?” she asks so quietly that it’s hard to hear her. “Maybe we shouldn’t go inside. Maybe we could go somewhere else and go to your special place another day.” She’s almost hopeful as she suggests an alternative arrangement. But I want to show her before she tells me her secret. I want her to know me and know my feelings before we go to a place we can’t turn back from.