NEVER GOODBYE (An Albany Boys Novel) (7 page)

              I spin and kneel in front of her, taking her hands. “I’m not asking for promises and labels, just truth.”

              “But the truth is, tomorrow when the sun rises, we can’t be what you’re asking. Tonight, you made me feel things I thought I’d never get to feel and I’ll have a special place in my heart for you and this night and I’ll remember every second, but tomorrow I’m going to need you to keep that promise of friendship or ...”

              “Or what?” I’m almost too afraid to ask or to hear it and I can hear the change in my voice.

              “Or we say our goodbyes right now.”             

              A shudder rips through me and I grip her hands tighter. “What happened to you, Blue?” She tries to pull her hands from mine and look away, but I won’t let her run from this or us, as fracked up as it is. I want to hold her and protect her and now I’ve scared her away when all I want is to be closer to her.

              You dumb sonofabitch! Can’t you just be satisfied with what she’s willing to give? Go with it, with whatever she wants while she wants you. One day she’ll see what I see and she’ll be gone for good.

              “I’m sorry.” I say it fast and I know I sound desperate and I don’t give a shit that I do. “Please don’t go, don’t be mad at me. I promise, if tonight’s all I have like this, then I’ll take it and if you only want to be friends tomorrow, I’ll take it.”

“You make me want more, but I can’t,” she says and there are tears welling within her eyes and I hate myself for them.

“I’ll be your best friend. I’ll be the bestest friend you ever had and, when you’re able to give more, all you have to do is say so. I’m not going anywhere.” Truer words have probably never been uttered from my mouth.

              “Bestest?” She cocks her brows and I grin despite the intensity and my lack of fluent English.

              “Shut up. I’ll be the best, dumbass friend you ever had and you’ll never want for another.”

“I can’t ask that from you. It’s too selfish.”

              I pull her to me and hug her so tight I have to consciously make my muscles give a little so I don’t crush her. “I don’t think it’s possible for you to be selfish and besides, you’re not asking, I’m telling you how it is, Blue.”

              “Vaun?” I love my name on her lips.

              “Hmm.”

              “Why Blue?”

              I pull her back down beside me and I watch the smoke remnants of the fireworks float across the sky, riding the breeze. “I feel free with you, like I can be me. Free like a bird. As for blue; your eyes are the deep blue color of a Blue Jay. You’re my Blue Bird.”

              “I think you’re a big romantic in disguise.”

              I laugh and it feels good when she laughs with me ― against me. “It’s our little secret.”

              “It’s okay, I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them anyway.”

              “No, probably not.”

4

Blue Birds

Harper

‘A single rose can be my garden ...

a single friend, my world ‘

Leo Buscaglia

It was touch and go through the night between deciding to accept the limited relationship I had to offer or nothing. But at some point Vaun seemed to accept it and move on and I’m glad because I’m not sure I could deal with the consequences of my own ultimatum.

Whatever cosmos were in the universe I feel like they are playing a cruel joke on me ― on us. How can they set us up like this? How can they bring us together to only tear us apart by sickness? Sure, I may just defeat this disease, but the doctor’s words are always there in the back of my mind advising me to ‘make arrangements’ which is just a nice way of saying, ‘get your shit together and say your goodbyes while you can’. Not start up a new relationship or find your soul mate.

Soul mate.

The words make my heart swell and I’m sure it’s not an exaggeration. I’m sure if I told April or anyone for that matter that at seventeen I had found my soul mate, they’d laugh and call me naïve. Especially since we’ve known each other less than twenty-four hours. But wrapped in the soft, red blanket listening to Vaun’s heartbeat against my ear in the comfortable silence we’ve been in for a while now, I know with all my being it’s true. Yet knowledge of this only makes it harder because no one wants to hurt their soul mate. Vaun is already a little damaged, that much I can tell despite his avoidance of my question. No one wants to see their soul mate in pain. And no one would ever want to watch their soul mate die. This is why despite the knowledge of our abundant and, yes, sudden feelings for one another; we won’t be able to succumb to it. We simply cannot.

He’s stroking my hair and my eyelids are heavy. I think I may even have had a nano sleep a couple of times. But I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to miss out on one second of this night with Vaun, especially since the night sky is swiftly getting brighter and I know sunrise will be coming too soon. I wish this night would never end, but most of all I wish I would never end.

I don’t want to die. Well who the hell does? It’s not because I found Vaun, it’s purely self-preservation. I want to live, not just be alive but
live,
life. The fact that I can still experience these moments with Vaun, as I lie against his warm and hard body, doesn’t hurt my dreams. I smile against his rib and slide my hand up his chest to enjoy the small shudder it gives him. I love that I can do that. And then I feel the very fine sandpaper of growth on his jaw against my fingers and squeal when he quickly turns and nips my finger. His laughter mixes with mine and I think we gave a fairy wings it was so magical.

“Vaun,” I almost slur in my exhaustion. “I don’t want the sun to come up.”

“If I could stop it I would drive the world into darkness for you, Blue. I never want to say goodbye.” I know what he means and I know it’s not the final goodbye I’m afraid of. Though it’s funny how saying one simple word becomes too terrifying to let it pass your lips. Dad won’t say it and the fear is then passed on to my brother, Benny, and now Vaun. What will happen when he finds out one day he just might have to?

“Me either,” I say.

He sits up, bringing me with him, and I love what the golden sunrise does to his skin. He looks like an angel this morning despite our lack of sleep and it makes me giddy that if I say the word, he’ll be mine forever.

“Let’s not then. Let’s spend the day together.” He’s holding both my hands and I get up on my knees and smile.

“I have to take Benny to his Karate lesson today ‘cause Dad has to work.”

“That’s okay. The three of us can spend the day together. I want to get to know Benny, too.”

Benny would love that. He would love that more than almost anything in the world. I say
almost
because it’s obvious what the ‘most’ would be. He wants a mother who can talk to him and make him dinner, help him with his homework, not his sister. He wants a father who isn’t broken by grief and guilt, who doesn’t work almost every waking hour to keep a small thing like food on the table, but one who can take him to his Karate lessons and football games. Benny wants a sister who doesn’t have to play the role of mother and father. He doesn’t want a sister who he relies upon so much that the bond is stronger than any other only to have it in jeopardy by a sickness he doesn’t understand.

No, Benny mostly wants to be like a normal kid with a safe and normal life and I want that for him too.

It’s my fear that Benny won’t have anyone. Not just if I die, but when I get sick from treatment and I don’t see his needs over my own and I want to ask Vaun to be there for him, but how do I do that when I haven’t told him that some unrelenting, unforgiving disease is in charge of our futures.

“I would really like that,” I say really meaning it.

He gazes up at me and in his chocolate eyes I see the need I feel in my gut and heart. It’s the same look he gave me before he kissed me and I want it so bad, before the sun has fully risen and we become just best friends.
Just
best friends. Climbing onto his lap, my heaving breath is a close match to his.

“Blue?”

I shake my head and smile. I don’t lose contact with his eyes and it makes my heart race like crazy. His hands are gripping my hips and for the first time I curse myself for disregarding April’s words of the benefits of wearing just a bikini because I want his hands on my skin. I want to feel his skin on mine and not through the material of my dress. As though he can read my mind his hands run down my thigh and I feel his skin, causing me to gasp a little. Vaun groans and his eyes shade, but they never leave mine.

I can’t hold back the desire anymore and my lips clash with his. I want to have one last kiss. One last moment I can remember when life feels as though it’s too tough. He will be my angel that keeps me on earth.

His lips are hot, but his tongue’s hotter and as it dives into my mouth I almost melt right there in his lap.

Our breathing gets heavier as does the deep desire for more. Yet he drags his lips from mine and groans as though he’s in pain when I know he’s not. It’s quite obvious to know the difference when it’s hard against me in the most intimate way I’ve ever experienced. It’s so magical and true, I nearly cry.

“Blue Bird, I never want to say goodbye. I want to be with you. I want to feel you, taste you―Christ-all-mighty―I just want to be with you. I’m your best friend and one day you’ll let me say the words boyfriend because no matter what, no mistake, that’s what I am.”

I tried to interrupt and explain that it defeats the purpose of being a best friend when you are calling it boyfriend in your own mind, but he hushes me and I stifle a giggle.

“I know you don’t want to call it that, but I thought before we see another soul today I want to make a couple of things clear so we don’t hurt each other.”

He is serious and my urge to giggle is gone. “Okay.”

“I won’t see other girls and I don’t want you to see other guys, either. I know that isn’t what best friends ask of one another, but this is different. Now, don’t get all up in my grill, because I know damn well it would kill you to see me with someone else, too. I also get that, as best friends, we don’t share what we just shared or call each other cute little names.”

My brow tilts at that one and he laughs before continuing. “Okay, with the exception of Blue. Also, we learn to have less passes. Best friends trust each other with their secrets and fears. I think we should have a limit even.”

“Like fifty?”

He chuckles, “No. Like twelve. A dozen is perfect. So we need to use them wisely, after we use them all up, we’re an open book.”

“Is that all?” I ask with a smile because, quite frankly, he just gave me a free pass in our relationship without realizing it. I couldn’t be without him, but I couldn’t give him everything a girlfriend should either. Or was it that I couldn’t take everything from him as a girlfriend would. The whole thing is so damn confusing, yet one thing remains clear cut and it hurts to even think about. Vaun needs to keep a certain distance from me or when my body hits the wall, it will hurt him too much and I never want to hurt him if I can help it.

Sliding his hand across my cheek he tangles his fingers in my hair and I can feel the sun surround it. I want to close my eyes and relish in the feeling, but dare not in case I lose my resolve and kiss him again.

“No, that’s not all,” he says hoarsely, “When it comes a time where it looks bad for us, and it will, it always does with me, I want you to promise me you’ll come to me and give me a chance ― give us the chance. And one day I’ll prove to you that you won’t regret letting me be your boyfriend.”

I nearly cried before, but I’m crying now and I’m a freakin’ ugly crier. I wrap my arms around him and bury my wet face into the crook of his neck and shoulder because I need everything he has to offer and even though I know it’s the most selfish thing in the world to do, I accept it. I nod into his shoulder and whisper my thanks as he strokes my hair and my back, offering soft, comforting hushes that brush against my ear make me want to kiss him again. But kissing him and asking for a different kind of relationship would be going too far ― even for me.

***

The sound of his soft snore against the soft brush of the leaves above and the bird’s songs is dream-like. I thought I was dreaming, but no, it’s real ― he’s real ― and I smile to myself. With heavy lids I peek past the bright sunlight to watch Vaun’s hard chest rise and fall and I can’t help the feeling the comfort and pure joy of this very intimate moment. I’ve never slept with a boy before; I haven’t really had the chance to do anything with a boy before. With Mom out of the picture and Dad working like a dog, there hasn’t been the time. Then again, it had never been something I wanted before, either.

My friends all had boyfriends and, yes, I’ve had those, but it was more like a glorified friend. Sooner or later they gave up on me because, and I quote, ‘I think it’s better we remain friends’. Which, of course meant, I was too cold for their needs.

Though, as I lie in Vaun’s arms I understand why it is I’ve waited for such a simple act and feeling. With Vaun it’s right and it’s true. I can’t tell him that, of course, because it’s just cruel to give him any kind of hope for us.

I want to lie here for the rest of the day listening to his boyish snore and watching his chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm, but when I told him I had to take Benny to his Karate lesson, I wasn’t lying. His large watch says eight-twenty. His lesson is in town at ten, which would give me plenty of time if I brought my own ride, but since I came with April I have to find her. The other problem to this, of course, is that April’s going to want answers and I don’t really want to give them yet. I want to keep Vaun to myself for a little bit, without the interruption of life and warnings and guilt. Though April is like Nancy Drew, she can spot a mystery a mile away.