Never Be Lied to Again (12 page)

Sample question sequence I:

"Do you
like
the concept for my new idea?"

"Sure. It's very original."

"Well, what would it take for you to
love
the idea?"

In this example your boss has committed to liking the idea. You don't argue with her or press her on it. The words you use in your response indicate that you know there is room for improvement. She feels comfortable offering criticism because she feels that you expect her to do so.

Scenario B

You want to know if your son is looking forward to going to camp this summer.

Sample question sequence II:

"Are you
excited
about camp next month?"

"Yeah. It'll be fun."

"What would it take for you to be
really
excited about going?"

Again, he feels comfortable answering honestly because your questions to him make it obvious that you know that everything's not perfect.

5

I Don't Know

Most people don't like to be wrong. Furthermore, most people don't like to be put in a situation where they feel they have to defend themselves. As a result, oftentimes when you ask someone what she is thinking or how she feels, she replies, "I don't know." This response can stall a conversation and leave you searching for answers. Sometimes it's just easier to say UI don't know," which is often why we say it in the first place. Either way, when you hear "I don't know,"

try some of the following responses:

1. "Okay, then why don't you tell me how you've come to think the way you do?"

2. "I know you don't know, but if you were to guess, what do you think it might be?"

3. "Can you tell me what part of this you're okay with?"

4. "In what past situations have you felt similar to this one?"

5. "What emotion best describes what you're thinking right now?"

6. "Can you think of just one reason?"

7. "What one word comes closest to describing what you're thinking?"

In all of these responses, you're taking the pressure off.

You acknowledge the person's difficulty in answering. You then seem to be asking her to provide something else, when in reality your new question is aimed at getting your initial question answered.

"I don't know" could also mean that the person feels guilty or foolish about her actions. In this case you want to relieve her of the responsibility. This is done in the following way:
Sample question formation:
"I know you're not sure about why you did that, so can you think of any unconscious motivations that may have been at work?" This works well because she doesn't have to feel responsible for her actions.

It was not her "intention" to do what she did. Her behaviour was not consciously motivated.

I'm Simply Embarrassed

In this encounter someone is unwilling to tell you the truth or may lie to you out of embarrassment. The usual tactics don't work here because the person probably isn't obligated to tell you and more than likely will have nothing to gain by doing so. Therefore you need to create an incentive for telling the truth in an environment that makes him feel comfortable.

Scenario A

Your son doesn't want to tell you about the bully who took his lunch money.

Sample question formation:
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. [This is a key phrase because it instantly disarms the other person. It lets them know that he's not going to get verbally beaten up.] When I was your age the same thing happened to me. And after I learned what to say to him, he never bothered me again. Would you like to hear what you can do?"

Scenario B

As a physician you're speaking with a patient who is reluctant to discuss her previous sexual relationships.

Sample question formation:
"I understand your hesitancy, and if you would prefer not to discuss it, then we won't. Whenever I have a patient who feels uncomfortable I do it this way and it's much easier and quicker. I'm going to ask you simple yes-or-no questions and you respond accordingly."

This works well because the patient knows that there won't be an embarrassing discussion or elaboration of anything she says. The yes-or-no format can be used with just about anyone in any situation that makes one uncomfortable revealing personal information.

Scenario C

You want to find out if the foreman of your construction crew has been thinking of leaving your company.

Sample question formation:
"Mike, on a scale from one to ten, where one means you've only thought about looking for other work and ten means you're very interested in going with another company, where might you fit in?"

Three important criteria need to be kept in mind. First, notice that you don't say "where do you fall?" as it is typically phrased. The word
fall
is downward and negative. It puts his focus lower on the number line. "Fit in" directs his thinking between two numbers and is positive. Second, the word
might
is used to cushion his association to his answer, helping him to feel less attached to it.

Finally, notice too, that you don't say on a scale from one to ten where one is
no interest.
You allowed him to answer with the "easiest option" offered. If, in fact, he had no interest whatsoever, then he would go outside the parameters of your question and be free to tell you just that.

Scenario D

You think the new intern mixed up two piles of papers and shredded the documents that were supposed to be copied.

Sample question formation:
"Nelson, if you're the one who did this, it's all right. I remember when I first started here. What I'm going to tell you is between you and me, okay? Good. I once made copies of a confidential memo instead of the lunch menu and placed a copy in each person's mailbox."

The best way to get someone to confide in you is for you to confide in him. This instantly puts the other person at ease. It shows that you trust him, and he also feels obligated to share with you something he's done that he feels uncomfortable with.

Divide and Conquer

This is a situation where there are two or more people from whom you can get the truth. The mistake that most of us make is to say something like "Come on, guys. Somebody tell me what's going on here!" We find ourselves sounding a lot like
M*A*S*Hs
Frank Burns—looking for cooperation everywhere and finding it nowhere. This plea is often in-effective because of a psychological phenomenon known as social responsibility.

Have you ever heard somebody scream from an apart-ment window? While most of us have been in such a situation, we don't feel any strong inclination to do anything about it. It's not because we're cold and uncaring. It's because the social responsibility to act is divided among many people. Everyone assumes that if it's an emergency, somebody else has already called the police. There have been countless stories of a person's having a heart attack on a crowded street while people just walked by. Nobody does anything because they assume somebody else will; alternatively, they think that since nobody else is doing anything, the person must be okay.

When there is a diffusion of responsibility, the impetus to act just isn't there. If you want answers or if you want somebody to do something, you have to increase his responsibility. This is best accomplished by appealing to one person at a time. If you get nowhere with the first person, go to the next and appeal to him.

Scenario A

Several of your sorority sisters pulled a practical joke and you want to find out who is responsible.

Sample question formation I:
"Eileen, I'm coming to you for one reason and one reason only. I know I can trust you to tell me the truth. You can trust me like I can trust you. You're not like they are. I know I can count on you to do the right thing." If you don't get anywhere with her, go to the next person with the same speech. Some body will crack.

Sample question formation II:
"Jennifer, who did this is not important. I don't even cafe. What is, is our friend-ship. I want to know that I can trust you. I think I can, but I need for you to speak honestly with me. It's not that I'm so concerned with who did it—only that you are truthful with me about it." If you don't get anywhere with her, go to someone else with the same speech.

8

Professional Reliance

From attorneys and plumbers to mechanics and teachers, we rely on professionals to be honest and fair. And while most are, there are a few who are not.

These situations can be tough because you don't have the specific knowledge and expertise to ask the right questions.

Unfortunately the less-than-reputable professional is all too aware of this. And while your clues to deception will let you know what kind of person you're dealing with, the following strategy will prove useful in these situations.

1. Always, if possible, get a second opinion. It's easy to do and can save you a lot of heartache.

2. Make sure the person is licensed, insured, and registered to do the actual work.

3. Have your agreement drawn up in writing. Oral contracts aren't worth the paper they're written on.

4. Ask for referrals or testimonials.

If he balks at any one of these points, you might want to take your business elsewhere. The con artist operates best when you're in the dark.

Finally, the following strategy should give you an accurate insight into the person's intentions. The key is to ask for the opposite of what you really want.

Scenario A

Let's say that your travel agent suggests the Five-Day Cruise Getaway vacation package for you. You're looking to really let loose; you want a trip that will be non-stop fun. But you're not sure if she's pushing this package for the commission or if she really believes that it's a great deal.

Sample question formation:
"The brochure looks great, Sandy. I just want to make sure that this is not one of those party boats. I'm looking for some rest and relaxation. Is this that kind of trip?"

By asking your question this way, you will know the intentions of your travel agent and the answer to your question. If she answers yes, than you know that the cruise is not for you or she is lying to get your business. Either way you are not going to book this cruise through her. Only by telling you what she thinks you don't want to hear will she establish herself as honest, and you'll have confirmed that this is the cruise you want to go on.

Scenario B

You asked your waiter for decaffeinated coffee and five minutes later the busboy comes by with a filled cup of coffee.

Sample question formation:
"This is regular coffee, right?" If he confirms that it is, either he doesn't care enough to know for sure or it really is regular. Again, either way, you now know that you may not be getting what you asked for. However, should he tell you that it is decaffeinated—something he thinks you don't want—then you can be pretty sure that you're getting what you originally asked for.

9

I Don't Know and I Don't Care

Few things are more frustrating than dealing with someone who just doesn't give a damn. Why? Because you don't have a whole lot to work with. You've got zero leverage. He's got nothing at risk, so you've got little bargaining power. Here's how to get some. You simply have to change the equation so he's got something at stake. This technique is the ultimate apathy buster.

Scenario A

You take your car to the mechanic and he tells you it will be fixed by Friday. But you just know that something's going to come up and it will be sitting in his garage all weekend.

Sample question formation:
"Okay, Joe. Tomorrow's fine. Just so you know, my wife is pregnant and she's due any day. That's our only car, so if you can think of any reason why it may not be ready by Friday, you've got to let me know now."

Scenario B

You ask the waiter if there is MSG, an additive that some people are allergic to, in the salad and he tells you there isn't. He doesn't seems terribly convincing and you just want to make sure.

Sample question formation:
"Okay, Albert, that's great.

Just so you know I'm deathly allergic to MSG. One forkful and it's off to the hospital I go." After hearing this, do you think Albert may want to double-check with the chef?

Notice that the equation changes in these two scenarios.

Initially neither the mechanic nor the waiter is terribly concerned about your schedule or what you're eating. However, their apathy quickly gives way to concern because now they're dealing with more than just an inconvenience. Simply change the stakes and the leverage is yours.

10

I Just

Heard

Most people who lie usually confide in at least one other person. Getting the truth from this person can be done easily, if it's done right. It's important to let this person believe that you already know the truth and then add your emotional reaction to it. Adding an emotion makes you appear genuine because the fact that you know the truth is overshadowed by your reaction to it. Simply use an emotion that best fits the situation, such as sympathy, surprise, fear, joy, concern, humour, and so on.

Let's take a look at a couple of general statements that would be said to the person whom you believe knows the truth:

1. Sympathy: "I can't believe what Sam did. I am truly very, very sorry. If there's anything I can do for you or what ever, please just let me know, okay?"

2. Concern: "I just found out; how dare they do that to Kim?

I've got a good mind to go down there myself and give them hell. How are you holding up through all this?"

3. Humour: "Mary, is Joe a magnet for odd things or what?

He just told me and I still can't believe it."

Make sure you act as if your suspicion is true and let this person assume that you already have knowledge of it. Then offer the appropriate emotional response and you have maximum credibility.