Never Be Lied to Again

HOW TO GET THE TRUTH

IN 5 M I N U T E S OR LESS

IN ANY CONVERSATION OR

SITUATION

DAVID J.LIEBERMAN, PH.D.

ST. MARTIN'S GRIFFIN NEW YORK

A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S

I would like to thank Jennifer Enderlin, my editor at St.

Martin's. She is an exceptional talent whose ability is matched only by her boundless passion for her work.

And to those who have worked tirelessly, my warmest thanks to the publicity, marketing, advertising, and sales departments at St. Martin's for their intense efforts and commitment: Alison Lazarus, John Cunningham, Steve Kasdin, John Murphy, Jamie Brickhouse, Mike Storrings, Janet Wagner, Mark Kohut, and James Wehrle, and to the entire Broadway Sales Department for their continued efforts on behalf of this book. A special thanks to St. Martin's publisher, Sally Richardson, for her vast enthusiasm and belief in this project.

A thousand thanks to David Stanford Burr, production editor, and Nancy Inglis, copy editor, for their outstanding work on the manuscript. Their hard work and diligence is evident throughout this entire book.

I would like to thank my agents, Michael Larsen and Eliz-abeth Pomada. The success of their agency is a clear reflection of their professionalism and dedication. In an industry of giants, they stand without equals.

My infinite appreciation and gratitude to Barbara and William O'Rourke, who gave me the two things every writer needs: tranquility and computer help. And my thanks to Laurie Rosin, one of the nation's leading freelance editors, for invaluable input and suggestions.

While much of information in this book is based on newly developed and leading-edge research and technologies, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the evolution of the process and contributions of those giants in the fields of human behaviour, linguistics, and hypnosis: Milton Erickson, Robert Cialdini, Paul Ekman, Fred Bootle, Elliot Aronson, Judson Mills, Stephen Worchel, Jack Brehm, Stanley Milgram, and Ray Birdwhistell.

A N O T E TO R E A D E R S

To those in law enforcement: make sure that you check appropriate federal and state laws regarding both interviewing and interrogation. Those in the private sector must use judgment and common sense when using this system. Caution is always advised when you are dealing with individuals suspected of illegal acts or illicit activities.

There will be those who will try to use this information to manipulate others and exploit situations. But do you hold back information that can help people because of a fear that there will be those who will abuse it? To live in a world where information is distributed based upon the damage that can be caused by the lowest common denominator is to spiral away from progress and away from hope.

It is with high hope and expectation that the techniques in this book will be used appropriately, with benevolence, and with the purposes for which they were intended.

INTRODUCTION

T H E P R O C E S S A N D T H E P O W E R

Honesty is at the cornerstone of every relationship, whether it's business or personal. Being aware of someone else's true intentions is undeniably valuable, often saving you time, money, energy, and heartache. When you know a person's true intent, you have the power to control the situation, or at the very least not be taken advantage of.

There is no greater ability than consistently and constantly making the right decisions in life. Remember, though, your decisions are only as solid and right as the facts that you base them on. You will learn how to get at the message beneath the words, how to know what people are thinking when they don't say what's really on their mind. A former client of mine put it best when she said,

"It's like having a man inside their camp—an outpost in their head."

In an ideal society there would be no need for lies or for this book. But we live in a world of deception. And whether you want to play or not, you're in the game. The question is, do you want to win? In romance you need never play the fool again. In business you'll get the upper hand. Wherever and whenever you deal with people, you'll have the tools to come out a winner.

W H A T ' S I N T H I S B O O K A N D H O W T O U S E I T

I'm what is affectionately referred to as a hired gun, a spe-cialist in the field of human behaviour. As a board-certified hypnotherapist with a Ph.D. in psychology, I represent corporations as well as private individuals, and offer a type of leverage that many high-paid attorneys, top-notch account-ants, and seasoned executives cannot.

Too often we miss the meaning behind the message. As you know, people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say. This book focuses on the truth and how to get at it.

To be an effective negotiator, you must use many strategies and techniques, all of them relying upon the accuracy of the information you're given. The answers you get from the world's most powerful supercomputer are worthless if the numbers you give it to work with are wrong.

We often forget how easily facts can get lost in a conversation, negotiation, or interrogation. Abraham Lincoln is said to have posed the following question: "How many legs would a sheep have if you called its tail a leg?" "Four,"

explained Lincoln. "Because calling its tail a leg doesn't make it one."

While people lie for many different reasons, their lying rarely benefits the person lied to. And there's that one undeniable truth about lying. Everybody does it, but nobody likes it when it's done to them.

It takes at least two people for a lie to be effective—one to offer the lie and one to believe it. And while we certainly can't stop people from trying to lie to us, we can keep them from being successful.

This book is divided into eight parts, each of which explores a facet of lying. The innovative techniques in this book will help you figure out if you're being lied to. If you are the victim of a deception, they will assist you in getting at the truth and in gaining control over the situation. Many of the examples in this book are drawn from personal relationships and business situations; certainly most of us can identify with these scenarios.

PART 1

S I G N S OF D E C E P T I O N

This book picks up where others leave off, going well beyond observing body language clues. The first part offers a catalogue of forty-six clues to deception, divided into seven sections. Some of the clues involve the fundamentals of body language, while others use more advanced techniques and processes such as psycholinguistic emphasis and neural linguistic choice perception. Each section concludes with a summary for easy reference.

PART 2

B E C O M I N G A H U M A N L I E D E T E C T O R

"We often fly blind into verbal combat." That is to say, we usually think of the questions we
should
have asked two days after the battle is over. This section offers a specific game plan to detect deceit, detailing exactly what to say and when to say it. This sophisticated system involves choosing from a variety of scripted sequences, each from a different psychological angle. Each script includes a primer, an attack sequence, and silver bullets.

P A R T 3

T A C T I C S F O R D E T E C T I N G D E C E I T A N D

G A T H E R I N G I N F O R M A T I O N IN

C A S U A L C O N V E R S A T I O N S

Now what about those times in casual conversation when you think someone might be lying to you, but a full-fledged interrogation is out of the question? This section provides phenomenal techniques for gathering more information without being obvious. You will also learn how to steer a conversation in any direction that you choose in order to get the information that you want. This section also covers those times when different tactics are necessary for getting to the truth, instances where you may not have the leverage you need. The psychological process is different than if you were coming from a position of strength.

PART 4

M I N D G A M E S

"Mind Games" includes two simple techniques that provide extraordinary results. When you use the first, almost no one will be able to lie to you. When you employ the second, you will be able to discern anybody's true intentions and motivation in any situation.

PART 5

A D V A N C E D T E C H N I Q U E S

This section presents the most advanced and groundbreak-ing techniques for getting at the truth. Using a blend of hypnosis and a system I have developed called Trance-Scripts, you'll be able to give commands directly to people's unconscious minds—all in conversation and without their awareness. Through this process you can persuade others to tell the truth.

P A R T 6

P S Y C H O L O G Y ON Y O U R S I D E

This part explores the ten fundamental laws of human behaviour, the principles that govern our thinking. Once you learn these laws, you'll know how to get the truth out of anyone. With an understanding of how the brain processes information, you will be able to easily influence other people's decisions.

P A R T 7

I N T E R N A L T R U T H B L O C K E R S

Here's the biggest truth in a book about lying: we lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. We all know someone who absolutely refuses to believe that his or her spouse is unfaithful, despite all the warning signs. This section shows you how to become aware of and eliminate those internal blockers that keep you from seeing what's really going on.

P A R T 8

E X T E R N A L T R U T H B L O C K E R S

This section lets us in on the psychological secrets of the experts. You will discover how the pros—from professional poker players to master negotiators—keep you from perceiving the facts in an objective fashion, even affect your ability to evaluate information. The influence of the pros is enormous; they can have a powerful impact on your perception of reality—unless, of course, you've read this book and can outthink them.

Note to readers:
Throughout all of the examples in this book the pronouns
he
and
she
are used alternately. This was done to make the language less sexist, not to indicate that one sex is more likely to lie in given situations than the other.

P A R T

1

S I G N S OF D E C E P T I O N

"He that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore."

—SIGMUND FREUD

This part contains a catalogue of forty-six clues to deception, divided into seven sections. The clues can be used independently or in conjunction with one another.

While some are excellent indicators by themselves, all clues should be viewed within the context of the situation at hand; they are not absolutes.

Some of these are so subtle that they can easily be missed unless you pay close attention. Others may be glaringly obvious. In some instances you'll be looking for lies of omis-sion—what's missing that should be there. Other times you'll be dealing with lies of commission—things said or done that are inconsistent with the rest of the message.

Occasionally you won't have access to all these clues: you might be on the telephone, for instance, and not be able to see the body of the person you are talking to. It's not necessary to memorize these clues, for in time they will become second nature: you will gradually become more familiar with what to look for, what to listen for, and what to ask for, to get to the truth.

Certain variables such as gender, ethnicity, and cultural background can influence how we interpret various clues—

the use of gestures and personal space, for example. For the most part, though, these factors are negligible and can be ignored.