Never Be Lied to Again (15 page)

choice of anchors or in your choice of

questions. Make sure the questions you ask will be answered truthfully. And the anchor should not be so common that it will become diluted by inadvertent use. The questions don't have to be asked all at Once, and there is no set number of questions you need to anchor.

For example, while your husband is eating his favourite food, you might ask, "Are you enjoying your dinner?" Fire off the anchor as you ask the question; you might tilt your head slightly to one side or touch your hand to your nose. Then ask a series of questions—

maybe four or five—while continuing to fire off the same anchor every time you ask your question. Every so often reinforce the anchor by doing this process—a question/anchor

sequence. The learned response will soon be so ingrained that any time you want the truth in response to a question, just ask your question and fire the anchor.

H E A V E N A N D H E L L

This technique should be used as a last resort.

It is with high hope and expectation that this and all of the other processes be practiced with judgment, common sense, and decency.

Hypnosis can be used to treat phobias,

anxiety disorders, and panic attacks. This technique reverses the process to instil a phobia in which dishonesty creates

overwhelming anxiety. If pain is linked to deceit and pleasure to the truth, confessing becomes the only way to reduce the pain.

We use a process similar to anchoring the truth, except whenever something painful or negative happens to this person—he bangs his foot, he gets into argument with a

neighbour—you anchor it. Whenever he feels disappointed or becomes upset, anchor it.

Then ask your question and if it's not the response you want—if you feel he's lying—

fire off the pain anchor. He'll quickly associate lying to you with pain. The only way to

alleviate this pain will be to tell the truth. To further increase the association, contrast it by using a different anchor linked to pleasant experiences—sexual arousal, eating, relaxing, etc.

THE B R I D G E

In part 2 we touched briefly on the

importance of rapport. When we are in

synch with another person our communi-

cation flows effortlessly. When we consciously seek to get in rapport with someone—to align ourselves psychologically— we align

ourselves physically. Examples of this are matching a person's gestures, posture, or rate of speech. This is called pacing. Once you've done this, you switch to what's called leading.

This can be extremely effective when done in the following way:

After establishing rapport with the other person, you feed him everything that he may be thinking about the conversation. These statements accurately reflect his thinking.

This aligns you psychologically. Then you lead his
thinking
by explaining why the truth is the best route for him to take. And if this process is done right, he will follow.

Example

"I know that you think you're not ready to tell me the truth. I'm sure that you wish this entire conversation wasn't taking place right now, and that it could just be over with. I'm sure that you think I'm going to be upset with you and that we're going to get into a fight over it.

You may be thinking that there's no reason to tell me. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it really warrants. I understand. We all make mistakes, and this is one that you wish would just go away. I'm sure I would feel exactly as you do if I were in your position. But since I'm not, /
can only tell you
what it feels like to be in mine.
[This phrase begins the lead.]

"It's all okay. It really is. Let's have an honest discussion. You tell me exactly what happened and you'll know that it's the right thing to do. I'd be happy, and I know you will

too, to be able to put this behind us. That we can move on. Let's do that because it makes sense for both of us."

A D V A N C E D C O N V E R S A T I O N

S T O P P E R S :

T R A N C E P H R A S E S

These conversation stoppers use phrases

that are mild trance inducers. In other words, they cause the listener to zone out

temporarily while his brain tries to process the information. Use them when you need to gain control of the conversation or to regroup.

They give you some time to collect your

thoughts while others lose their train of thought. You may have to read them several times yourself because of the "huh" effect.

1. "Why are you asking me what you don't know for

sure?"

2. "Do you really believe what you thought you knew?"

3. "Could you give me . . . an example . . .

would be helpful."

4. "You can pretend anything and master it."

5. "I understand what you're . . . saying

. . . it doesn't

make it true."

6. "If you expected me to believe that, you wouldn't have

said it."

7. "Your question is what you knew it would be, isn't it?"

8. "Your response says what you're unaware of."

9. "Do you believe that you knew what you thought?"

10. "How do you stop a thought once you get it?"

11. "Why would you believe something that's not true?"

12. "Why axe you agreeing with what you already know?"

13. "What happens when you get a

thought?"

14. "The less you try the more you'll agree

. . . "

15. "Are you unaware of what you forgot?"

S E E F O R Y O U R S E L F

The power of expectation and suggestion can be used with tremendous results. While you could be relentless in your pursuit to get the truth from someone, his mind may be ready to defend the assault. But when his own mind turns against itself, he will do the work for you.

Have you ever noticed what happens when

you buy a new car? Suddenly it seems like everyone on the road is driving that same car.

Or if you're on a diet, everywhere you turn is a bakery or ice-cream store. Reality has not changed, only your perception of it has. When you can't change someone's reality to get to the truth, alter how he sees it instead. This can be just as effective.

If you were to tell a neighbour that there has been a rash of break-ins in the

neighbourhood, over the next few days she'll notice the garbage cans seem out of order; the mailbox looks "funny"; the car across the street looks suspicious. At night, she'll hear every creek and noise in the house. Maybe she's heard them a thousand times before, but now she's listening to them. Now they may mean something.

The key to using this technique is to

implant an artificial

suggestion and let it manifest inside the person's mind. This technique gets the person to rethink her behaviour with or without your confronting her directly. Please note that this technique may induce a temporary state of mild paranoia, especially if two or more people make the same suggestion.

Scenario

You think that a co-worker has been stealing office supplies.

Sample question formation I:
"Samantha, have you noticed that people seem to be

looking at you a little funny?" You can be sure Samantha will "see" everyone looking at her, and it will consume her attention until she stops.

Sample question formation II:

"Samantha, I think the whole office knows about the office supplies—have you ever

noticed how they stare at you sometimes?"

This formation is more direct and

confrontational.

You'll notice that if Samantha is in fact stealing office supplies, she will soon believe that everyone is "on to her" because she will see everyone staring at her.

P A R T

6

P S Y C H O L O G Y ON

Y O U R S I D E

'Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off

as if nothing has happened."

—WINSTON CHURCHILL

In order to get to the truth you need to know how to take control of a situation, command authority, and above all, predict someone else's response.

These ten commandments of human behaviour will help you to navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of conversation and her twin sister, debate.

By understanding how the brain processes information, you will be able to easily influence anyone to tell the truth.

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF HUMAN

B E H A V I O U R

1. Ninety percent of the decisions we make are based on emotion. We then use logic to justify our actions. If you appeal to someone on a strictly logical basis, you will have little chance of persuading him. If you're not getting the truth, phrases such as "Honesty is the best policy " or

"Lies just hurt everyone" won't sway anybody. You need to translate logic and sensible thinking into an emotion-based statement—and give direct

benefits for that person to come clean.

For instance, a mother speaking to her child might try, "When you lie, it hurts me. I want to be able to trust you. Trusting you means that you'll have more responsibility— you'll be able to do more fun things like have sleepovers and go to the petting zoo with your friends."

You should offer specific benefits that appeal to the persons emotions. The attack sequences and silver bullets are all emotionally charged.

2. How we deal with good and bad news

depends on how

it is internalized. When a person becomes unusually de

pressed about an event in her life, it's often because of three

mental distortions: (1) she feels that the situation is permanent; (2) she feels that it is critical, meaning that it's

more significant than it really is; and (3) that it is all-consuming, that it will invade and pervade other areas of

her life. When any or all of these beliefs are present and

elevated, it will dramatically increase her anxiety and despondency.

Conversely, when we think of a problem as temporary, isolated, and insignificant, it doesn't concern us at all. By artificially inflating or deflating these factors in the mind of another, you can instantly alter their attitude toward any situation, be it positive or negative.

3.

When a person becomes adamant about

his position,

change the one thing that you can—his

physiology. A per

son's emotional state is directly related to his physical state.

If he gets locked into a position of denial or refusal, get him

to move his body. This prevents what is called mind-lock

and makes it easier for him to change his psychological position. If he's sitting down, have him get up and walk around

the room. If he's standing, try to get him to sit down. When

our body is in a fixed position, our mind can become similarly frozen.

4. Don't ask someone to change his mind without giving

him additional information. Remember that while you're

talking to the person he listens with his ego—and you must

accommodate it. Many people see changing their mind as a

sign of weakness. He's given up and you've won.

So instead of asking him to change his

mind, allow him to make a new decision based on additional information. Politicians have a penchant for this because they never want to appear wishy-washy. They rarely say that they've changed their mind on an issue—rather, they say their "position has evolved," as it were.

For example, you might say, "I can see why you said that then, but in light of the fact that [a new bit of information to justify him changing his mind], I think you owe me an explanation."

However, the way in which this new

information is introduced is crucial. The more recent the information is, or appears to be, the more effective you will be. If you bring up a fact that occurred some time ago, a fact that he was simply unaware of, he may not want to look foolish for not having known about it. Therefore the more timely the information, the more comfortable he will feel in re-evaluating his thinking.

5. Sometimes you need to amplify the problem in order

to reach a solution. Some time ago I was over at a friend's

house when his six-year-old announced that he was angry

because he couldn't have ice cream for breakfast.

With my

friend's consent, I said the following to his son:

"You're

right, Stuart, you are too upset to do anything but be angry. You'll probably need to sit there for two whole hours until it passes." Needless to say, Stuart got over his anger fast.

A friend of mine had a secretary who was constantly straightening up his office. He would ask her not to, but she insisted that it should be kept clean and organized. She had been with him for over fifteen years and he wasn't about to dismiss her over this. Nonetheless, this habit became very annoying. The solution? He went out of his way to make a mess. Every morning the office looked like a disaster area. Finally his secretary mentioned that she thought he was taking advantage of her good nature by being such a slob.

She stopped tidying up soon afterward.

When arguing becomes futile, stop. Go the other direction, reversing your position entirely.

Give the other person an exaggerated version of what he wants. This will often cause him to retreat to more neutral ground.

6. People do what you expect them to do. If you say something ten times, you clearly don't expect them to listen to you. Notice the way people in authority—police, for example—take control of a situation. They don't scream, yell, or carry on. A wave of their hand, and the traffic stops. They say things once, and directly.

If you're taken to the hospital with a broken leg, the doctor tells you what needs to be done. You aren't given options. There's no deliberation or argument, and you're not asked for your opinion.

If you're told that you need x-rays and a cast, then you get x-rays and a cast. Could you imagine if your doctor said, "You know, I think your leg is broken. What do you think?" You expect him to tell you what the situation is and what needs to be done.