Needing You #2 - Wanting Him (20 page)

“Nope.  We would need to leave immediately after our last show.”

“Well how long is that tour?”

“
Nine months,” he deadpans.

“Oh wow.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

“I thought yo
u loved the touring life?” I joke.

“Yeah for the first six months.  Now I’m exhausted and the guys are really starting to get on my nerves,” he says with a laugh.

“Nat, you need to take your break,” Harper says interrupting our conversation.

“Okay,” I tell her.

“Want to continue our conversation outside?”

“Yeah,” he says as he follows me to the back alley exit.

I can feel eyes burning into me and I glance around and connect with dark green eyes looking anything but happy to see me walking outside with Declan.

I ignore the evil look; push the door with Declan following.

“You’re going to get an earful later,” I tell him.

“Why?”

“Parker was just glaring at us for walking out here together.”

“Oh fuck that. He’ll get over it.  Plus he can’t say
shit; he’s with that stupid bitch.”

I start to laugh, “Tell me how you really feel.”

“Damn Nat, you got no idea how nuts she is.  I get that he fucked up, but damn why did it have to be with a gold digging bitch like her?”

“You would need to ask him that.  So back to touring, what’s going on?”

“I’m tired of constantly traveling.  I just want to be home for a few months.  Get my life back, ya know?”

“I can understand that.  So what does everyone else think?”

“Nate and Luke are all about partying it up and making money.  Don’t get me wrong, I want that too but I want my own bed.  Then you got Park, he’s about to have a baby.  The bus is nowhere to raise a baby.”

“Is that what he wants?” I ask surprised.

“No, he was fine with taking a break after this last leg, but I guess Claudia told him it would be fine that they would just come along.  The baby would be little anyway so they wouldn’t have to worry about anything until it’s in school.”

“Oh, well that makes sense
, I guess.”

“No it doesn’t,” he says shaking his head, “He’s being stupid.”

“But it would be harder to tour when the kid’s older and in school.  Not being on tour could possibly end your career early, right?”

“We’ve been touring for
almost two fucking years.  We need to come home, write new songs, put out another record and then think about another tour.”

“Did you voice your thoughts?”

“Yeah he did,” Parker says from the door, looking pissed.

“Look man, you know how I feel about this shit.  I want a break,” Declan argues.

“It’s not just about you.  It’s whatever the group decides,” Parker snaps.

“No it’s not
; it’s about what Claudia wants,” he spouts off.

“No it’s not, shut the fuck up,” Parker yells.

“The hell it isn’t.  Whatever she’s fucking telling you, you’re doing it.  It’s like you lost your fucking balls or something,” Declan argues back.

“Knock it off,” Parker yells.

I try to sink back as close to the wall as I can, hating to watch these two guys who have been friend’s forever fight.

“You know I’m right.  She says marry her and boom look at you, getting fucking married,” he yells.

As soon as the words are out of Declan’s mouth he snaps it shut, looking in my direction apologetically.  Parker looks at me too with sadness in his eyes, but doesn’t say anything.

“I need to get back to work,” I say before rushing out of there and back to the bar.

“Are you alright?” Harper asks, looking worried.

“Yeah,” I say before heading to the end of the bar to start serving customers.

Parker

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Shit, sorry man,” Dec says.

“I wanted to tell her that shit in private, not have you fucking scream it at me during a fight,” I yell, angry at the world right now.

“She was going to find out sooner or later.”

“Yeah, but it should have come from me jackass.”

Declan starts shaking his head.  “Are you seriously going to marry that bitch?”

“I
f that kid’s mine, I don’t have a choice,” I say defeated.

“The hell you don’t,” he argues.

“If I want to see my child, I don’t.  You know if we go on tour, the only way she can come is if we’re married.”

“So let’s not go on the fucking tour.”

“We’re just getting our name out there; we can’t back out of an opportunity like this.”

“The fuck we can’t.  We’ve been touring for almost two fucking years. I want a break. I want to come home.”

“Where’s this coming from?  You were all about touring until recently, what the fuck happened?”

“I just realize there’s more to life than living on a tour bus,” he says
, looking anywhere but at me.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“Why did you pick this weekend of all weekends to come home?” Declan asks.

“Cause it was the longest break we could get at one time.  Why?” I ask confused.

“You just had to bring her this fucking weekend?”

“What the hell is your problem?”

“You! You’re a fucking jackass.”

“You
gotta tell me why Dec, I can’t read your fucking mind.”

“Do you even know what this weekend is?”

“No, what’s so important about this fucking weekend?”

“Man you really are an asshole.  Were you planning on telling Nat that you were getting engaged to Claudia this weekend?”

“Yeah. I figured when I went over either tomorrow or Sunday to check on Nora I could have sat down and told her, but you fucked that up,” I so annoyed.

“Wow.”

“What?”  Declan just starts shaking his head.  “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Well good luck seeing them on Sunday.  Way to fucking wait to tell her on the anniversary of her mom’s death that you’re marrying a gold digging bitch,” he yells in my face.

“What?  That’s not this weekend,” I say frustrated.

“Check your fucking calendar
asswipe.  You are definitely the king of douchebags.  Maybe she is better off without you,” he says, before opening the door and heading back inside.

“Fuck,” I yell.

How the fuck did I not realize what Sunday was?  I am a fucking asshole.

“Hey, you okay?” Harp says from the door.

“Hey Harp.  I’m fine, just realizing how big of an ass I am.”

“What’s going on?” she asks as she takes a seat on an old crate.

“I didn’t realize what Sunday was.”

“Oh.”

“How’s she doing, honestly Harp?”

“She’s okay. I need to tell you though.  I
sorta kinda slipped that you were going to propose to Claudia to her,” she says, looking at the ground.

“Don’t worry; if you wouldn’t have told her, she heard it from Declan out here during our argument.”

“Why are you marrying Claudia?”

“
Harp, she’s having my baby.”

“That’s not a good reason.  We know for you to propose that you have feelings for her because you wouldn’t do something stupid like marry her
, if you didn’t love her.”

“Shit.”

“Do you love her?”

“Which one?” I ask confused.

“Claudia,” she says with a laugh, “Are you in love with Claudia?”

“I…I…”

“Seriously Park, it’s not that hard of a fucking question,” she retorts.

“It’s not an easy answer.”

“The hell it’s not.  Now answer it.”

“I care about her, she’s carrying my child.  But no, I don’t love her,” I admit.

“Then don’t trap yourself into a loveless marriage.  You deserve better than that and so does she.”

“I know.
”

“I get you’re not over Nat.  I don’t think she’s over you either
, but she’s trying to move on.”

“
I know, but if it wouldn’t be for me and my fuck up I wouldn’t be in this situation and Nat and I would be getting married.”

“Marriage huh?  Wow, you really are whipped.  You should teach Tuck a few tricks.”

“Haha.  I’ll always love Nat.  I guess it’s just my luck that I get to wake up every day knowing I’m the one that fucked it up.”

“Karma’s a bitch.”

“You got that right.”

“But Park
, you aren’t a bad guy.  Don’t settle for Claudia.  You can raise your child without being married.  Don’t make that mistake.”

“I hear you.”

“Tuck seems to be doing real good.”

“He is.  I’m glad too.”

“Me too.”

“I
gotta get back to work”

“Alright.”

“Oh, and Parker…Don’t be a douche and marry that bitch,” she says as she hops up off the crate and heads inside.

Fuck.  How did I mess everything up?

I head back inside to apologize to Nat when I see some guy talking to her at the end of the bar.

Maybe Dec is right, maybe she is better off without me.

Chapter Nineteen

Saturday comes and goes.  Thankfully
, I didn’t have to see Parker or his soon to be fiancé.  Ugh, I’m not sure I could stomach that.

Today’s
Sunday, the anniversary of mom’s death. Nora and I always spend this day visiting mom’s favorite restaurant, the beach at her favorite spot, and her grave.

“Hey, how do I look?” Nora asks standing in a yellow sundress with a cardigan sweater.

“Beautiful, mom would love that dress,” I tell her with a smile.

“Thanks.  You look great too,” she says about my baby blue dress.

“Where do you want to go first?

“Why don’t we start with her favorite shops?”

I like that idea.  Just then there’s a knock at the door. “I got it,” Nora says.

I hear his voice before I even see him.  Why is he here?

Parker’s standing in the doorway holding yellow lilies, my mom’s favorite.

My sister has the biggest smile on her face looking up at Parker.

“Hey,” I say with no enthusiasm.

“Hey. So I know what today is an
d all and thought if I could catch you two before you leave you could add these to your mementos for your mom’s grave,” he says stuttering a little bit.

“Thanks,” I say not taking a step towards him.

“Do you want to come with us today?” Nora asks excitedly.

He looks between me and Nora before saying, “I’d love to,” he says with a smile.

“Nor, I’m sure Parker has lots of other things on his plate for today, let’s not hog his day,” I say earning a glare from my sister.

“Nope, my day’s free,” he pipes up.

Great, just want I wanted to do today. Hang out with Parker, the guy I can’t seem to get over.

I hear Nora say something to him
, but I ignore it, heading down the steps to my car.

“Parker said he’d drive.”

“No, that’s alright. I’ll drive.”

“Oh
, come on Nat.  Let him drive.  I don’t want to have to be squished in your tiny backseat,” she complains.

“Ugh, fine.”

“Yay,” she says as she skips to Parker’s car.

We get in and the two of them talk amongst themselves as I sit here and wonder how I got myself in this predicament.

An entire day with Parker…I’m screwed.

We start by heading to mom’s favorite spot for breakfast.  It’s a little diner
, but she always brought us here for birthdays growing up.

“Here,” Nora says handing me the first picture of mom.

We take our normal seats in the back booth at the diner, which is pretty empty right now and I place mom’s picture on the windowsill.  Nora and I reminisce about the times we spent at this diner, laughing and getting teary eyed a few times.  Nora’s sitting beside me, so that leaves Parker to sit across from us.

He sits quietly and lets us have our moments talking and laughing about mom.  I glance his way every now and then and he’
s always smiling back.  He never got the chance to meet mom, but when we first started dating, he was at the house when it was the anniversary of her passing.  He asked to come along and I didn’t have the heart to tell him no.

Luckily, Nora didn’t mind.  He would just sit back and watch, allowing us to enjoy in the moments we got to spend with her.

It seems as though he is going to do the same today.

“On to the next stop?” Nora smiles proudly.

“Yep,” I say as I grab mom’s picture off the windowsill and we head back out to Parker’s car.

“Where to next?” he asks.

“Shopping center,” Nora and I say in unison.  We start laughing immediately.

Parker doesn’t complain, but drives us to our destination.  We spend the afternoon going through mom’s favorite shops before making our way back to the car.

“Where t
o next?” I ask Nora.

“Let’s do the beach last,” she says.

“Alright, so how about Twin Kiss next?”

“Oh yeah, I could definitely go for some
soft serve ice cream,” she says a little too excitedly.

“Twin Kiss please,” I tell him.

“Sure thing,” he says with a kind look before pulling onto the road to head to our next destination.  It takes about twenty minutes to get to the ice cream shop because it’s in another town.

Once he parks
, we climb out of the car and head to the counter to look at the options.

“How am I to choose?” Nora says as she laughs.

I start laughing, “No clue, there’s too many to choose from.”

“I’m getting a banana split,” Parker chimes in.

“Seriously?  You know their huge right?” I remind him.

“I know,” he says on a laugh.

“Mmm that sounds good,” Nora moans in delight.

“Oh
, go pick one already.”

We pla
ce our orders, Parker a banana split, Nora a hot fudge brownie sundae, and me strawberry-banana cone with rainbow sprinkles.

“Really…what are you twelve?” Nora says.

“What?”

“Sprinkles?” she says
, like I have three heads.

“What’s wrong with them?  You usually get them on your sundae.”

“Oh crap,” she pouts.

“What?”

“I forgot to order them on my sundae,” she says with a pout.

Before they hand her sundae out, I have them add the sprinkles.  Parker doesn’t let me pay for our ice cream.  No surprise there.

Once we finish our ice cream, we get back into the car to head to mom’s home now.  Parker pulls into the cemetery and parks and we walk to mom’s grave.

“Did you bring your letter?” Nora asks.

“Yeah,” I say as I feel tears start to tear up.

I’m just not sure how I can read this in front of Parker.

We sit down at her headstone, putting in the flowers that we got for mom, purple, white, orange, and yellow lilies.

Nora starts talking to mom like she’s sitting right here next to us.  I can’t help but smile at my sister.

She starts to read her letter, apologizing to her for not being a better daughter when she went to that party where Brad aka asshat, tried to take advantage of her.  I can’t help the tears that fall from my cheeks.  She continues to tell mom how she busted up Liz’s face for being a bitch, her words not mine.  She also fills mom in on how we went to see Parker in concert, how great it was, and how he’s here with us now.

Nora continues talking to mom telling her about her grades in school, her friends, the boy she likes currently and how much she misses her.

Parker’s sitting behind us taking everything in.  When I look back at him I see he’s teary-eyed.  I smile and he smiles back looking happy to be here with us.

“Your turn,” Nora says pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Parker do you mind waiting on the bench or in the car?” I ask nervously.

He gives me an odd look, “Sure,” he says softly before standing up and heading towards the bench.

“Why did you ask him to leave?” Nora asks looking confused.

“Because I don’t know if I could read my letter in front of him,” I tell her truthfully.

“Do you want me to go to?”

“No, you already know everything
that’s going on.”

“Okay.”

I take a hold of Nora’s hand before reading my letter.

Mom,

I don’t even know where to begin other than telling you how much I miss you every day.  Life’s just not the same without you.  You were my rock and my hero.  I will forever look up to you.  I know you’re watching us now and I hope I’m making you proud and I hope you’re proud of how I’m trying to be there for Nora.

As for life, well for starters I’m not with Parker anymore.  He ended up hurting me in the worst possible way, now he’s starting a family with someone
else and I’m left here alone.
I feel Nora squeeze my hand letting me know I have her which I’m thankful for.
I’m thinking about dating again.  I’m trying to move on from him, but it’s hard.  I get now why you stayed with dad.  Even though he cheated, you loved him regardless and stayed with him.  I’m understanding love a lot better, but I can say it hurts like hell when you get your heart broken.  I’m not sure I can ever understand how you could let dad break your heart so many times, but that wasn’t my choice, that was yours.  I made the choice to leave and now every time I see him it just gets harder.  I thought time was supposed to make things easier.

Enough talk of
Parker.  I want to apologize to you mom, because I let you down.  I should have been home the day Nora went to that stupid party.  If I would have come home or answered my stupid phone she wouldn’t have been there.  She wouldn’t have nightmares like she does.  I’m sorry mom, I’m so sorry I let you down.
I can feel the tears start to roll down my cheeks, but I don’t stop reading. 
I wish life were easier.  I wish I knew what path I was to take and how to get there, but I don’t.   I’m left with this complete feeling of uncertainty.  What if I mess up?  What if I do something that I can’t take back?  What happens when I let Nora down again?  I’m only twenty-two, I shouldn’t have to be here without you mom.  You’re supposed to be here, raising Nora, excited to see me when I come home from college during breaks and free weekends.  Instead you’re gone because of a stupid illness, one that’s not fair. You’re supposed to take care of us, and instead you were ripped from us far too soon.
I look over to see Nora with tears falling quickly from her eyes.  I wrap my arm around her pulling her into my side to comfort her.

My classes are going well.  I start
clinicals next semester. I hope to be as good as a nurse as you had when you were in the hospital.  I want to be able to comfort people who are going through the same thing we experienced.  I wish people didn’t have to go through what we went through mom, but I know I learned a lot and hopefully I’m a better person for it.

I hope one day I can make you proud.  I miss you.

Mom I hope you’re watching down us on and I can’t wait to see you again one day.  I wish that day were today, but I know it can’t be.  I will do everything I can to make you proud of me and Nora.  I want you to be able to watch us from Heaven and smile down on us knowing we made you proud. 

Today we celebrate your life, visiting your favorite spots, reminiscing about our times with you, keeping your memories alive.  I hope you know how truly special you are because I’m blessed to be able to call you mom. 

I promise to come visit more often and keep you updated on how school’s going.  I will tell you about the next boy I date and hopefully you’ll like him.  I know you would have loved Parker.  Mom I loved him with every fiber of my being.  I’m not sure if I will ever truly trust another man to not break my heart, but I’m going to try.  Hopefully by trying, I’ll be able to stop loving Parker.  Is that possible mom…can I fall out of love with one guy to hopefully fall in love with another?  Silly question I know.  Sorry.  But other than that life is going alright.  I’m still working at PowerTrips, making money, paying bills, and going to school.  I think I’m doing pretty well.

We’re going to the beach today to your favorite spot.  Where the rocks form what looks like a heart.  A crooked one but never the less a heart.  I know how much you loved that spot
, so we’re going there today to sit where you sat, to feel you close by even if only for a second.

I love you mom.  I wish you were here, there’s so much I want to tell you that I can’t get it all out in one sitting.  I miss you every day and I can’t wait for the day I get to see your smiling face.

Love Natalie.

I can’t help the tears.  I knew I would be crying a lot today.  Nora and I usually do.  I keep handing her tissues and using them myself. 

I put the letters in the mason jar, screw on the lid and place them in the dirt.  These letters are for mom, so they stay here with her.

“Ready to head to the beach?”

“Yeah,” she says softly as she wipes tears away.

We walk the short distance to the bench Parker’s sitting on.  He looks
sad, but I won’t dare ask.

“We’re ready.”

“Here are the keys, I need to do something quick,” he says as he stands and hands me his car keys.

“Come on,” Nora says as she tugs on my arm.  I look back to see Parker walking through a few isles, not knowing what he’s doing.

We get into the car and Nora starts talking about what she wants to do at the beach.

Parker

I wait until I see that Nora and Nat are in the car before walking towards Mel, Nat’s mom’s grave.  I know they write a letter and read it, going over everything from the past year.  I know this because I was here with them last year on this day.

I never got the chance to meet Mel
, but just knowing how great Nat and Nora are, I know she had to be an amazing mom.