Nan's Journey (23 page)

Mary lifted tear-streaked eyes to her pastor. “How can He forgive me? I can’t forgive myself.”

Marcus gently spoke, “Mary, the Bible says, ‘For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.
’
There is not anyone that deserves to be forgiven. He forgives us because He loves us.”

“How?”

“Mary, do you love that baby boy of yours?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

“Did he actually do anything to deserve for you to love him besides be your child?”

“Well, no. I do love him.”

“You asked God to forgive you of all your sins. You are now God’s child. He loves you and wants you to love Him back.”

“He loves me?” Mary thought for a moment, “I am His child and He loves me.”

“God has forgiven you. Now you must forgive yourself. Let God show you how.”

Fred finished praying with the others who had come forward and dismissed the meeting. Mary hadn’t noticed she was at the church alone with the Halls and Rev
erend
Young.

Fred softly said to Mary, “The angels in heaven are rejoicing that you have come home to God!”

“Really?”

“Yes, will you let me say a prayer over you and you can continue praying after I finish.”

“Yes”

“Father, thank you for this young mother who has come home to You. Give her strength to live for You and serve You with all of her heart. She has offered her life to You and wants to be a true woman of God. Amen.”

Mary didn’t really know how to pray out loud but this nice preacher wanted her to so she would try. “God, I told You all the bad things I did. I am sorry for them all. I will do better from now on. Amen
.
”

Brother Marcus took Sammy from his wife and handed him to Mary. “Mary, Esther and I would like for you to come by the house after chores every day so that we may help you get on in your life with Christ.”

Mary smiled and said, “I will do my best. Sometimes I cannot get away
…
My husband and chores and stuff.”

“Come as often as you can.”

“I will.” She turned and looked at Fred, “God bless you for coming here!” Mary picked up the flour sack that held the extra diapers and headed for home.

“Marcus!” Fred grabbed his friend and sobbed. “I feel as if I got saved all over again too!”

Esther joined in the hug and they all went to the parsonage to finish their visit.

*****

The stars seemed larger and the air was … how could she describe it? Rare. Yes it was rare, wonderful, the breath of angels. Sammy snuggled down into her arms. Could it be possible that she felt even more love for him than before? She hardly believed that it would be possible. She entered the farmhouse through the kitchen door. It was warm and cozy.

The big wood stove was still warm from the supper that she had prepared before the special church meeting. She lay Sammy in the basket beside the large oak table and lit the coal oil lamp. It sent a happy glow around the room. Sammy was quietly sucking his fist in his sleep. She pulled the rocking chair close to the stove and placed a few pieces of the split firewood in through the top.

Gently she picked up her baby and wrapped his quilts more closely to his little body as she began to nurse him in the quiet of the room. It seemed to Mary to be a blessed time of quiet. She leaned her head back against the high back of the rocker and contemplated the events of the evening. For a brief moment she thought about the women of the sewing circle and what their opinion of her would be now.

“No, I don’t care what they think of me anymore! I wouldn’t trade gold for the feeling I have inside me right now!”  The sound of her voice startled her somewhat. Did she even sound different? She looked down upon the infant who was contentedly nursing, “You have a new Mama, sweetie. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I feel good. I feel clean. I don’t feel the all fired anger I had all the time anymore.” A chubby little hand reached up to touch her nose and she began to laugh. “You darling little boy! Mama loves you so much!” She began to sing, “At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light and the burden of my heart rolled away…hmmm…
Mmmm
….
Mmmm
…and now I am happy all the day.”

Try as she might, she couldn’t remember all the words, but the message was burned into her heart. She rocked in her big old rocker until daybreak, humming and laughing. She began talking to God. She hoped that she was doing it right, but she talked to Him as if He were a friend sitting in the room with her. She told Him how grateful she was for His forgiveness.

She thought of Sammy and thanked God for him, even her husband. She asked God to help her tell her husband about what had happened to her. She wondered what he would say. Fear began to creep in, but she refused to let it stay. She had been unhappy too long to give up the peace and joy she had just experienced. She had been through many things in her life and if Mr. Dewey wanted to mistreat her, so be it.

He could never take Jesus away from her. Memories of her childhood flooded her mind. The bad ones threatened to steal her joy. “Jesus, help me keep joy! Take care of these bad things that happened in the past.” The thoughts slipped away as quickly as they came. She remembered things that she had long forgotten. She remembered riding her old horse to school on a warm day. She remembered the smell of the horse in the sunshine. She decided that she liked the smell. Or was it that she loved that old horse? She remembered sliding off him onto a rock in the middle of the creek and splashing water. She had watched the small little fish that gathered around the rock. She picked up one of the smooth stones from the bottom of the creek and felt it. I
t
was brown and shiny. She skimmed it across the deep, still side of the creek and watched it skip once, twice. A smile played on her lips at the memory. “Thank You, Lord, for reminding me that everything in my life has not been hard and bad. I expect that things will go a sight better now with You around.”

The first streaks of dawn broke into the kitchen and Mary placed the sleeping baby into his basket in the kitchen. She stretched unhurriedly and completely. She pumped the water for a pot of coffee and stoked the fire in the stove. She added more wood and measured grounds and placed them in the pot. There
were
still a couple of eggs in the basket so she decided to cook them before gathering eggs and feeding the chickens.

She would milk the cow after breakfast this morning. She ate the satisfying breakfast and finished a second cup of coffee while she nursed Sammy. Afterward she tied him in a sling across the front of her so that she could do chores with both hands.

Sammy seemed to enjoy the closeness of his Mama. She milked the cow and led her into the pasture where the rest of the small herd fed. Her favorite chore had been gathering eggs. She took the old basket from the hook and began her work. The old girls were really producing today. She fed and watered them and went to the house. She finished her chores with pains of perfection. When she finished and gave Sammy a quick bath and changed his clothes, she headed to her pastor’s home.

Esther answered the timid knock at the kitchen door. “Mary, how good it is to see you this morning!”

“
The Parson asked me to come after chores to get some instruction, Mrs
—
”

“It’s Esther, Dear. Yes, Yes, of course, come sit down. Coffee?”

“Yes, please.”

Esther glided across the room and addressed her husband, “Marcus, Mary is here.”

Marcus came through the door with a sunny smile on his face. Fred followed him into the room. “Mary, I am so glad you came here today!”

“I want to do things in just the right way, Parson. I have lived wrong for so long I want to do this right.”

Marcus, Fred, and Esther joined her at the table.

“How do you feel about the decision you made last night?”

“I feel so good. I couldn’t go to sleep all night! I had to just thank God all night long.”

“I know how you feel
,
” Fred joined in. “I didn’t sleep much last night either. I was so happy for you.”

“You were? I thought you would be used to showing people the way to God, being a preacher and all.”

“It never gets old. Mary, is it?
”

“Sorry, Fred, this is Mary Dewey. Mary, this is Fred Young.”

“Dewey. Well it is good to meet you, Mary
.
” Fred’s mind was racing.
Could this be the stepmother who mangled Nan as a kid?
He forced his face to remain friendly as he listened to the exchange between the parson and new convert.

“What happens, now Rev
erend
. Hall? What do I have to do now?” Mary looked determined.

“Pray every day. Read your Bible every day.”

“I don’t really know what to say to
…
uh
…
God. I don’t have a Bible.” She thought of Nancy’s Bible that she had sent away in the trunk and wished that she still had it.

“Just talk to God about every thought that comes into your mind. If it is a problem, talk to Him. If it is a happiness, tell Him. If you have a need, tell Him. He is right at your side all the time. I have a Bible I can give you that belonged to a friend of mine who passed away some years ago. He would want a new convert to have it. In fact, it has notes written in all the margins. You will find them helpful as you read. They will help with understanding.”

“Brother Marcus, I have been so bad, is there anything else I need to do to get rid of all the bad things, sins I have done?”

“Jesus died for all of your sins. He paid the price you owed. You cannot add anything to the sacrifice He made for you. If you could then you wouldn’t have needed Him and He wouldn’t have had to die on the cross. The blood He shed for you was enough to cleanse you and everyone else who comes to Him from every sin ever committed.”

“I know that I have tried to turn over a new leaf and be good, but something always happened to mess my plans up. Will being ‘saved’ work better than that?’

Esther smiled warmly, “Dear one, now you have Jesus living inside of you to help you live a godly life. You don’t have to do it all alone. None of us coul
d live a righteous life with out
Jesus.”

Mary sipped coffee from the cup thoughtfully and absorbed the information. Fred was amazed at the candor and simplicity of her faith. He wondered what Nan would think if she could see her like this. He knew in his spirit that Mary’s conversion was genuine. He only hoped that Nan would soon come to God also.

“I best get on with the day. I hope I didn’t take up too much of your time.” Mary sprang to her feet. Time had gotten away from her.

“Esther, get Thomas’ Bible out of the drawer for Mary, please.”

Esther gave the worn book to Mary, “In this book are the answers to life. Spend much time reading it and you will keep the peace you found last night. It would be best to begin with the New Testament.”

“Thank you, Esther, Parson, Bro
ther
Young.”

She could hardly wait to get her baking done so that she could open the prized gift. She half ran with the Bible and Sammy in her arms all the way home. Ea
ch were precious gifts from God.

Chapter
24

Nan hummed as she kneaded the bread that the family would have for supper. She buttered the large yellow bowl, placed the soft lump in it, and draped a large white flour sack towel over it to keep flies off. Martha had instructed her to let it “double” and then “punch it down” once more and divide it into two loaf pans.

She mentally calculated the time the whole process would take and when she would need to place the pans in the Home Comfort Range. By her estimations Fred would arrive just as the fresh aromatic bread made its way to the table. This morning Martha had opened some of her home canned apples and rolled out pie dough for fresh apple pie. It
was cooling on the windowsill.

Nan guessed that Martha was anxious to see how the special meetings had gone. She contemplated the life of a preacher’s wife. From what she had observed at the quaint little church they attended, the office of “pastor’s wife” was a hard row to hoe. Sister Gracie Brown tended sick folk, brought food to the recovering, taught a Sunday
s
chool class, and basically knew everything about being godly.

Nan knew almost nothing about being godly or if she was even interested in that sort of life
. Why couldn’t they just be “normal folk”?
She didn’t mind going to the little church, but she didn’t think she had the stuff it would require to be a pastor’s wife. Perhaps Fred would be a traveling evangelist. That might be better. No one would expect all that much from her, except Martha told her that sometimes the meetings lasted weeks on end. She would either have to go with him or live
without him for the duration.