My Name Is Chloe (13 page)

“You know … I’ve told you over and over, I don’t care about that.”

She leaned over and looked directly into my eyes. “Well, I do!”

“That’s your problem.” I put another block on, watching as the tower teetered.

“That’s right!” She stood now and walked into the kitchen. “That’s
my
problem. And all I have are problems, problems, problems. My life is just one great big problem!”

“Just because you don’t have money doesn’t mean you have to have problems.” I watched as the
tower tumbled again, and this time David said, “Kaboom!”

“How would you know?” Her voice was so loud that David’s, eyes grew wide, and he seemed slightly frightened.

“Hey, you want to turn down the volume for the sake of your little brother here?”

She looked over the counter at me and sighed. “Sorry, Davie.”

“Allie, I’m sorry you guys don’t have a lot of money. But it’s not the end of the world. And I’d still like to be friends with you if you’d just—”

“But what about Wicca? I know that you hate my being involved in it.”

I stood up now. “I have never said that.”

“But I can tell.”

“Well, maybe I just don’t get it, Allie. I can’t see how Wicca is making your life any better. And frankly you don’t seem too happy to me.”

“You mean just because you’re on this whole ‘I’m so happy to be a Christian’ trip.”

I shrugged. “Hey, it works for me.”

“Does it really?” She was studying me closely now, as if she was looking for something wrong, some flaw or imperfection she could point out and pick at.

“I’m not saying life’s perfect. But something is definitely different inside of me. Something that was broken or empty or missing or whatever
isn’t anymore. When I asked God into my life, something changed. I mean,
really
changed. I guess maybe you can’t see it. Or maybe you don’t want to see it. Or you don’t like it. But I am different, Allie. I know it. I feel it. I believe it.”

“It’s just unfair!” She whacked her fist onto the counter making a coffee mug jump.

“Unfair?” I shook my head.

“You have it all. You have rich parents—two of them actually living together! And you have normal brothers—”

“Well, at least one.”

“And you’re a great musician, and you want a new guitar and Daddy dearest just goes out and buys you one. And then you decide it’s cool to become a Christian, and so you do and you make it look like that’s all easy and great—”

“Hey, wait a minute. You can paint this thing any way you want, but that doesn’t make it so. My life hasn’t been all perfectly wonderful. I was so messed up last year that my parents considered sending me to a private reform school. My older brother is strung out on drugs. My parents both work and have such active social lives that I hardly ever see them. It’s only recently that I’ve even felt like they love me, and even that feels a little conditional. So don’t start acting as if everything’s all peachy-keen as far as my life goes. I know your life’s not the greatest, but it
could get better if you’d let it.”

“Let it?” She laughed. “Just idly sit by and see what’s coming my way next?”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Well, the reason I got into Wicca was so that I could take some control over my rotten little life—so I could make some changes and actually get somewhere.”

“And is it working?”

“I thought it was working, at first, when I started getting involved with you and into music. That was the first really good thing that had happened to me in ages.”

I thought about that. “Okay, I don’t want to step on your toes here, but will you hear me out? first of all, I didn’t become friends with you because of Wicca. In fact, it used to really weird me out that you were involved in it. And if I hadn’t become a Christian, I probably would’ve dropped out of our friendship by now.

“Second, getting into drumming. My brother Josh has pretty much given you that drum set, but if he thought for one minute that you thought it was because of Wicca, he’d take it right back. Believe me, I know him well enough to know that’s true. He’s a pretty conservative Christian, and he wouldn’t like being connected to anything that has to do with witchcraft.

“Third, your free drumming lessons are from a
Christian guy who’s got a good and generous heart. And that also has absolutely nothing to do with Wicca. So, for you to go around giving witchcraft all the credit for the music thing-well, that’s just plain ludicrous.”

She didn’t say anything.

“In fact, if you think Wicca has anything to do with your music, then you probably shouldn’t even want to be playing with me and Laura since you know we’re both Christians. Wouldn’t it upset your karma or whatever it is you call it?”

Her head was hanging down now, and I realized that I’d probably, once again, gone too far. “Look, Allie, I’m sorry if what I’m saying hurts your feelings. That’s not my intent. I’m just trying to tell you the truth.”

She looked up at me and she was crying again. Now I felt totally rotten. What was wrong with me anyway? “I’m sorry, Allie.” And then I started to cry too. “Man, I don’t know why I let my mouth just take off like that again. Honestly, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She shook her head. “No, it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay.” I glanced over to see if we were upsetting David, but he seemed to be absorbed in stacking his blocks. “The point is, I want to be your friend, and I wish you’d quit pushing me away.” I stepped toward her thinking I should probably give her a hug, but somehow I just
couldn’t. This is something I think I need to work on. “I’m sorry I made you cry.”

Now she stepped back and looked at me. I was afraid she was going to yell and tell me to leave, but instead she smiled and wiped her eyes on a kitchen towel. “What you said about Wicca probably was true. I guess I just haven’t looked at it that way.”

I blinked and then took the towel and wiped my own eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah.” She sighed. “I hadn’t thought about the whole drumming thing like that. But you’re right. It didn’t have anything to do with Wicca. How could it? And you’re also right that getting into Wicca hasn’t made me any happier. To be honest, it’s pretty frustrating. It’s like I have to have money to buy the stuff to do the things and, well, I just don’t. But the reason I got so involved with it to start with was because I felt like I have no control over—” she waved her arms—“any of this. It’s like life just keeps getting worse and worse, and it plows right over me and takes me along with it. And I was fed up.”

“I know how you feel.”

“Last summer, I started using the computer at the library while David was at story hour, and the woman next to me was visiting all these Wicca websites. She told about how it was a great way to get some control over your life—and it just
sounded so good to me. So I would go in there and read everything I could. And then school started and it seemed as if maybe things were going to change for me. Then I met you and they did.”

“Okay, can I be gut-level honest with you right now, Allie?”

“Sure, why not.”

“Well, I really believe that our meeting and becoming friends was not an accident.”

She nodded. “Yeah, me too.”

“And I believe the whole music thing wasn’t an accident either.”

She nodded more vigorously this time. “Me too.”

“I think God is behind the whole thing. I haven’t actually said this out loud before, but I really think He wants us to do something big with our music. I know it seems crazy, but I really believe it—” I tapped on my chest—“in here.”

She just stared at me. “But I don’t get it.”

“What?”

“If God is doing this thing, then why would He involve
me
?”

I laughed. “Why not? I happen to think you’re pretty cool. You’ve been a good friend. You’re a good drummer. But mostly I think it’s because God really loves you, Allie. Can’t you see that?”

She didn’t say anything.

“Look, I’m not going to pressure you into giving
your heart to God, but it’s sure changed my life. And I hope you can trust that I wouldn’t lie to you about this whole thing. Would I?”

She studied me. “No, I don’t think you would.”

“So would you just consider what I’m saying?”

She finally nodded. “I guess I already am.”

“Great. Well, I better go now. I’ve got a pile of homework to do, and I want to be able to go to church tonight.” I headed for the door.

“Chloe?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think I could come with you?”

“To church?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure. Of course!”

And so, Allie went to church with me tonight. No, she didn’t walk down the aisle and give her heart to Jesus. But she told me that she wants to learn more about being a Christian.

“I’m not making any promises,” she said as we went out to the parking lot. She quickly lit and smoked a cigarette as we waited for my dad to pick us up. “But I’ll look into it—just like I was looking into Wicca.”

“So are you still looking into Wicca too?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll have to see which one of these—if either—works for me.”

“Sounds fair.”

What a totally weird night! In fact, I’m still not completely sure what’s going on. Okay, let me back up a little and start at the beginning. It all began yesterday when I got a call from Mike from the Paradiso Café.

“I listened to your demo,” he said in a matter-of-fact voice.

“Yeah?” I waited with pounding heart, barely able to breathe.

“And it’s pretty good.”

“Really?” I felt the air return to my lungs. “You liked it?”

“Yeah. And I thought, maybe if you’re not busy tomorrow night—do you already have plans?”

“Busy? No, no. It’s not like I was going trick-or-treating or anything.” I laughed nervously.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. Maybe you’d like to come do some songs then. Like around eight?”

“Sure.” Well, I was so happy you’d think someone had offered me a multimillion-dollar recording contract. But I tried to contain myself as I went down to tell my parents. And maybe I contained
myself too well, because they just said stuff like “that’s nice” and “sounds like fun.” Acting as if these things happen to me all the time. But the next day at school, I got a better reaction from Laura, who actually screamed in the hallway.

“You’re kidding!” Then she hugged me and promised to come watch.

Now, that was satisfying.

Then I told Allie the good news while we were waiting in the lunch line.

“
Really
? You’re going to play at Paradiso?” She looked at me with obvious admiration. Well, at first anyway. Then she sort of frowned. “
All by yourself
?”

“Yeah.” I nodded as I picked up a Jell-O. “Remember I told you how I took in a demo tape a while back. It was before we’d even started jamming or anything.”

“And so you’re going to go
solo
then?”

The way she said the word
solo
sounded like it was comparable to bungee jumping or motorcycle racing without a helmet. “Yeah.” I filled my soda cup.

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Sure.” I turned to look at her. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

She scowled. “Oh, no reason. It’s just that I thought we were a band or something.” Now her tone was decidedly sarcastic. And she looked like
I’d stabbed her in the back or cheated from her homework when she wasn’t looking.

“Look, Allie, it’s not like I’m leaving you guys out of anything. This is something totally different. The Paradiso isn’t even set up for bands yet. And besides, we’re not really even a real band. And we’re sure not ready for a real gig. I mean, we don’t even have a name or anything.”

“Yeah, sure.” She set her tray on the table then turned to Jake and Cesar who were already eating. “Chloe’s got her first music gig tonight,” she said in a flat tone.

“Really?” Cesar’s eyes lit up. “Where is it?”

“The Paradiso.” She sat down and sighed deeply. “And she didn’t even invite her band to play with her.”

“Allie,” I tried again. “It’s not like that. The coffeehouse is not set up to—”

“Yeah, yeah.” She waved her hand. “I think you’re just embarrassed to be seen with us
amateurs
.”

“I am not!”

“What time is the gig?” asked Cesar.

“At eight.” I smiled. “You guys should come.”

“You mean instead of trick-or-treating?” Jake pretended to pout. “You really expect us to give up the goodies just to hear the Jesus Freak play?”

I laughed. “Yeah, and I’ll bet you guys really go trick-or-treating too.”

“Well, there’s more than one kind of trick-or-treating, ya know.” He winked at me like he’d just told a dirty joke.

“Hey, you can count me in, Chloe,” said Cesar. “I’ll be at the Paradiso.”

I turned to Allie and put on my best pleading face. “Won’t you come too?”

She still looked unhappy.

“Laura was okay with this,” I continued. “She said she’s going to come, and you could probably hitch a ride with her.”

Allie sniffed. “You know Halloween is important to—”

Jake laughed. “Oh, yeah, Allie, are you going to be hanging out with a bunch of witches and worshiping the devil and stuff?”

She glared at him. “It’s not like that!”

“I thought you said you were giving all that
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
stuff up,” said Cesar.

I remained silent. I hadn’t talked to Allie about her Wicca thing since our conversation at her house last Sunday, and I guess I’d just hoped that she was losing interest. Although now it didn’t seem like it.

“I never said I was giving anything up,” she snapped. Then she turned and glared accusingly at me as if I was the one who had spread these rumors.

“Hey, don’t look at me.” I held my hands up. “I didn’t say anything.”