My Name Is Chloe (8 page)

“The thing is, I’ve been praying for you, Chloe.”

I looked at her then kinda laughed. “Well, hey, join the club. My brother and his girlfriend have both been praying for me too—for more than a year now. And who knows who else has me on their God hit list.”

“Really? How do you know they’re praying?”

“It’s not like they keep it a secret.”

She smiled. “Do you mind? I mean, that we’re all praying for you?”

I shook my head. “But I guess I wonder, why all the fuss?”

She picked up another fry and dipped it in ketchup, turning it slowly in a circle. “I guess I’m praying because it seemed to me that you’re
kind of stuck in the middle.”

“In the middle?”

“Yeah. I mean, you have Allie and her Wicca stuff going on, but I don’t think you’re really into that. And then I’m a Christian—I didn’t know about your brother and stuff, but that explains it even more. And I guess I just got the feeling you were kinda strung out between two different worlds.”

“You know, I do feel sorta torn apart. But I’m not sure that’s why.”

“I think it is. And anyway, God just put you on my heart, and I’ve been praying for you. For a couple of weeks now.”

“Really?” The idea that a girl who barely knew me was actually praying for me was kind of intriguing. “Why would you do that?”

“Like I said, God put you on my heart.”

“Well, that’s nice. But I’m not real sure what that actually means.” I studied her as she sipped her milk shake. “
Do you
?”

She looked up, the whites showing beneath her dark irises. “You really want to know what I think?”

Now I swear, as weird as this sounds, I actually had a shiver run up my spine just then. And it wasn’t the air temperature because it was in the sixties and I had on a sweatshirt. I just nodded.

“Well, I think there’s a battle going on for you.”

I felt my eyes grow wide. “A battle?”

She nodded. “For your soul.”

I swallowed.

“I think the powers of goodness and light are going up against the powers of evil and darkness right now—fighting over who’s going to claim your heart.”

“You’re serious?”

She sighed. “I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me.”

“Noooo, I’m not saying I don’t believe you. It just sounds so strange—so sort of ooga-booga—Twilight Zoneish, you know?”

“Yeah. I know.” She looked down at her fries. “It’s why I don’t usually talk about this stuff.”

“But you
really
believe it?”

“I
know
it.”

“But why? Why would the powers of—whatever that was you said—give a flying fig about my soul?”

“Because God loves you, Chloe. He has big things for your life. And the devil wants to ruin everything.” She looked me right in the eyes now. “Honestly, I’ve never had such a strong feeling as this before, and I swear, I’ve never said anything like this to anyone before. But I truly believe that God is going to do something powerful with
your life—if you give him your heart, that is.”

Again with the goose bumps. And then I started to cry, not big-time sobbing, but just little streams of tears flowing down my face. “But I don’t get it. I’ve been reading the redlines and I—”

“The
what
?”

“The redlines. You know, the words in the Bible that Jesus said. When I read things like love your enemies—I just don’t get it. I can’t do it.”

How she started snickering, as if I’d said something really funny. “Well, of course not.”

“Of course not?”

“Ho, you goof ball. You’re not supposed to be able to
do
it.”

“But what’s the sense in that? Why does he tell us to do it if we’re not—”

“He
knows
we can’t do it, silly. It’s impossible.”

“But if it’s impossible, then what the—”

“It’s impossible when we try to do it on our own—
without
Jesus. It’s only when we invite Jesus into our hearts that we become able to do these things, and only with his help. And even then we still mess up sometimes. Like remember that day in the bathroom with Tiffany Knight?”

“Of course.”

“I wanted to tear that creep’s hair right outta her thick-headed little skull.”

I smiled. “Yeah, me too. In fact, I still do.”

“Well, there’s the difference. I
don’t
—not anymore.”

“You don’t?”

“No. Not really. But if you get me going, I’ll have to go back to Jesus and ask him to help me to do better, because there’s a little something in me that still wants to hate her sometimes.”

“So, you honestly
don’t
hate her?”

She shook her head. “In fact, I’m praying for her too. And I realize that she’s just seriously miserable and wants everyone else to be miserable too.”

Well, now that really got my head to spinning. A lot of what Laura said actually seemed to make sense, and it had to do with some of the specific questions I’ve had lately. But at the same time I felt confused.

“I guess I still don’t really understand that part about battling for my soul, Laura. It seems sort of overblown and unbelievable.”

She seemed to consider this and finally said, “Tell me, do you believe there’s evil in this world?”

I considered her question before I answered. “Yeah. I guess I do. I mean, when I think of wars that kill innocent children, or starvation that’s caused by corrupt governments, or Third World countries that allow their children to be
enslaved to perform hard labor, or even the bombing of the World Trade Center. Yeah, I think that’s all pretty evil.”

“And do you think God makes those things happen?”

I thought about that. “If he does, then I don’t think I like him very much.”

“Okay, let me put it another way. Do you think there’s
good
in this world?”

I considered this. “Well, yes, but to be honest I’ve been focusing on the evil more than the good lately. But let me think … The beauty of nature is good—mountains and trees and oceans and sunsets. And there’s goodness in little children. And when I see someone helping out their fellow man, that seems pretty good.”

“Do you believe God has anything to do with those good things?”

Slowly but surely it felt as if a little light was just beginning to go on. “Yes, I think maybe he does.”

“So, okay then, you do believe in good and evil?”

“Maybe I do.”

“How do you think there’s
power
in both good and evil?”

I thought about that and finally nodded.

“Okay, you seem like a smart person to me, Chloe. If you believe in two completely opposite
powers, such as good and evil, do you believe they might also experience some conflict occasionally?”

“It seems possible.”

“And now, what if the two powers were after the exact same thing, do you think there might be a battle going on?”

“Man, Laura. Have you ever thought about becoming a preacher?”

She laughed. “But really, do you see what I mean?”

“I think I’m starting to. It actually makes sense to me.”

“All right then. So, can you accept that it’s possible that God told me to pray for you because there’s a battle going on for your soul?”

“Maybe so.” I studied her. “But be honest with me, does this have a lot to do with Allie and her Wicca thing? Because I’m really not into that.”

“I don’t think that’s the main reason I felt concerned. But if it makes you feel any better, I’m praying for Allie too. And no, I don’t like that she’s experimenting with witchcraft, but I don’t dislike her because of it. In fact, I think she’s pretty cool.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I just wish she’d find the
real
truth.”

“And that is?”

“God, of course. And the fact that he sent his
son Jesus to forgive us and give us real life. That’s all you really need to know.”

“It’s that simple?”

She nodded. “God knew we humans didn’t need great, complex schemes to get into heaven. I think he just wanted to keep it simple.”

“So we could wrap our minds around it?”

“More like our hearts. He says all we need to do is invite Jesus into our hearts, and then he’ll show us what to do next.”

“Has it really been that simple for you?” I watched her closely, searching for any sign of insincerity.

“As long as I keep it that way. Sometimes I complicate things with my own problems and selfish choices. But if I hang tight with him and try to do what he’s showing me, life stays pretty simple and good.”

I frowned. “It sounds almost too good to be true. And you know what they say about that.”

“Well, you’ll never know how good it is until you believe that it’s true. It’s really all about faith.”

We talked some more, and then it was time to go to class. I was really thankful when the bell rang too. I’m sure I was freaking out by then, worried that Laura was about to ask me to pray with her. I could just imagine us both kneeling like nuns on the patio as kids headed to fifth period. Yeah, sure! Anyway, I was relieved to get
away from her. All this talk was making me uncomfortable.

Still, for the rest of the afternoon, I kept thinking about what she’d said. Part of me was starting to believe it could be true, but the rest of me was cynical and skeptical. Then on my way home from school, I remembered what she’d said about the battle. Could that really be what was going on inside of me? I thought about how I feel when I have the flu, and there’s a battle going on inside my body—between the virus germs and my own immune system. In a way, that’s how I feel now. Sort of helpless and achy—but not physically. Does that make sense?

So I forced myself to read the redlines again tonight (as if they’re my medicine). And what stood out to me was when Jesus said, “Don’t pray out loud in front of everyone just to show off, but when you pray, go into your closet and pray secretly to your father in heaven. And he will hear you in private and reward you in public.” Now, I’m not completely sure what all that means, but I like the idea of praying in a closet. So that’s just what I did.

Oh, what wonders I have to write of tonight. I almost can’t hold this pen in my hand steady, for I want to dance and sing and laugh all at once. And all the time, I’m wondering, is this really me? Is this really real? Will it really last? Or is it all just a fine figment of my imagination? Am I going crazy or have I come to sanity? But, oh, I think I finally know what it means to be happy! The very word I used to despise.

What happened? What
happened
? What makes this day so special—so outstanding from the rest?

Chloe Abigail Miller died today. R.I.P. But, don’t worry, for in the same instant she returned to life too. How do I know this amazing thing really took place? I don’t even know how I know exactly.
I just know
.

Today, I gave my heart to Jesus, and it’s as if the old Chloe just melted down and sank into the soil right beneath my feet—and in her place appeared a new Chloe—a Chloe who belongs to God now. A brand-new Chloe with a whole new life ahead of her!

I must admit, even as I write these fantastic things, I almost can’t believe them myself. Almost. But mostly I do. And I have a feeling that when I have doubt (and I’m guessing that’s possible), God will somehow help me out.

So, this is exactly how it happened. For three days, I’ve been struggling with this whole thing. And even though my conversation with Laura was somewhat helpful, it also scared and disturbed me. The idea of a battle being waged for my puny, worthless little soul was a little unnerving, not to mention mind-boggling. How could the forces of the universe even know that I exist? And why should they even care? But somehow, it became clearer and clearer that they did. Still, I didn’t know what to do about it.

So, today, feeling slightly like a crazed lunatic, as soon as school was out, I ran over to the cemetery—as though I couldn’t get there fast enough. Once there, I just walked around, kind of dazed maybe and trying to catch my breath. I was heading to my usual spot, Katherine’s old gravesite, but for some reason (a God reason!), I turned and walked in the opposite direction.

I walked up the hill to where the newer section of the cemetery is, clear to the top of the knoll. And there I found this nice, and fairly new, cement bench. I sat on it and pondered my perplexing
situation. Maybe I was praying. I’m not even sure. But I was bent over, and I know I was thinking about the things Laura had said as well as an e-mail I’d gotten from Caitlin just last night. It had been a short message to let me know she was coming home to visit this weekend, but she’d also written a Bible verse at the bottom of it. It caught my attention because she doesn’t usually do that.

So I guess I was tumbling all these various things around in my head, and, yes, if I think about it, I’m sure that I was praying too. But I felt flustered and frustrated, and as I recall, I was crying. And it felt as if I was getting nowhere—just going round and round in circles faster and faster, like this one particular ride at the fair that always makes me sick. So I looked up suddenly—wanting the ride to end—and for whatever reason (yes, a God reason!), I noticed the gravestone directly in front of me—straight across from the bench. It was a new-looking headstone with shiny, white marble, and there seemed to be a lot of writing on it. So I wiped my tear-blurred eyes and studied it more carefully. And to my astonishment, it was the EXACT same Bible verse that Caitlin had written to me just yesterday—almost word for word. This is the verse:

Well, it’s true I’ve never been hit by lightning before, but that’s the best way I can think to describe this feeling. It’s like an electric jolt zapped right through my body and I thought:
This is it. This is really the truth. This is what I’ve been looking for
. And so right then and there, I did it. I asked Jesus to come into my heart.