My Epic Fairy Tale Fail (4 page)

Before we left the palace, Aletha gave each of us a warm hug. “You will succeed. I know you will,” she said in my ear. Having her vote of confidence made me feel more optimistic. If there were answers here about my parents, I would find them.

“Here,” she added, reaching into the folds of her gown. “My little friend will help you on your journey. He has been a great source of comfort to me during these hard times.”

She stuffed something small and squirming into my hand. I almost shrieked when I realized it was a mouse. His fur was the same bright pink as Aletha's gown, and he had a sparkly collar around his tiny neck.

“Um, thank you,” I said, forcing myself to smile as the mouse tried to run up my arm.

“Leonard, stop that!” Aletha said, laughing.

The mouse, who clearly understood human speech, stopped scampering around and sat obediently in my palm. Since I had no idea what to do with my new woodland creature, I tucked him into one of the pockets of my bag and figured I'd worry about him later.

After Aletha and Sir Knight exchanged longing glances, the princess rushed away to the safety of her chambers before the mob outside got close enough to startle her back into dreamland.

When the old servant opened the door leading out of the palace, we practically smacked right into a wall of angry villagers.

“There they are!” someone yelled as all eyes glared at me, Trish, and Melissa.

“Please,” Princess Nartha said, holding up her thin hands. “They're here to help us.” Her voice was so soft and unsure that no one appeared the slightest bit convinced.

“We don't need their help!” someone else called. “Last time strangers came to our land, they took our magic away.”

“That's not true!” I said. “My parents had nothing to do with the curse.”

I realized I'd made a huge mistake as all eyes zeroed in on me and the shouts got even louder: “Those traitors were your
parents
?”

“Why should we trust you when they betrayed us?”

I could practically taste the anger in the air. The crowd started pushing forward until we were pinned against the door of the palace. The villagers were so close that I could smell their sweat. It reminded me of the stench of merpeople.

“What do we do?” said Princess Nartha, her eyes wide with fear. So much for her guaranteeing our safety.

I turned to the old servant. “Quick, get Princess Nartha out of here.”

He nodded and shuffled along, herding the princess back inside. She didn't put up a fight, probably because she didn't have much left in her.

“I know!” said Melissa. “A cheesy saying should do the trick.” She grabbed a fortune from her pocket and announced: “‘A closed mouth gathers no feet.'” Her forehead crinkled. “Wait, what does that mean?”

Someone in the crowd grabbed my arm and tried to yank me toward him. I realized he was one of the boys I'd seen fishing earlier. His face was cleaner now but looked just as ugly since it was twisted into a snarl.

“We won't let you destroy what's left of our land,” he hissed.

As I tried to break free, ready to kick him in the shin, a loud
Clang
! rang out beside me.

“Unhand her, ruffian!” said Sir Knight.

Then the knight's sword swished through the air right in front of my face, barely missing my nose. The boy holding on to me jumped back, releasing his grip. I'm sure the boy's arm was mighty thankful its owner had good reflexes.

“Let the damsels pass!” Sir Knight said, waving his sword around. The gesture was supposed to be menacing, but since the knight managed to smack himself in the helmet with the hilt of his sword—
Dong
!—it didn't quite have the desired effect.

The mob burst out laughing, and I couldn't help exchanging amused looks with Trish and Melissa. Sir Knight might have been brave, but he wasn't all that skilled (at least not without the help of magic). And judging by the crowd's reaction, he wasn't all that popular. But now that the villagers in the mob were laughing, I had a chance to reason with them.

“Everyone!” I called. “Please listen to me for a second!”

The last of the laughter died down, and the crowd glared at me again.

“We don't want to listen to anything you have to say, Adventurer,” an old woman spat while other people murmured among themselves.

“I don't blame you for hating me. If I were you, I'd hate me too.” I tried to make eye contact with as many people as possible. I'd learned it was easier to get people to listen when you were staring them down. “But I swear I'm only here to help. I'm going to attempt the Three Impossible Tasks to see if I can restore your magic and save your land. If I fail, I'll leave and not bother you again. I promise!”

The crowd quieted down a little bit, but I could tell the villagers still didn't trust me.

“You only have a few days left before your magic is gone forever,” I tried again.

“Thanks to your parents!” someone called out.

I swallowed and pretended I hadn't heard that. “No one else has been able to complete the tasks. Don't you want to at least give me a chance? What do you have to lose?”

It wasn't my most uplifting speech, but it seemed to actually get through to people.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained!” I added. The cheesy saying, as usual, did the trick. People finally settled down and the murmurs died out. “Thank you. Now, please, let us pass. We need to find Ilda and set things right.”

Sir Knight had managed to regain his composure and was now standing next to me. Even if he was a bit of a joke, he still had a sword. Slowly, people started to step aside.

As we made our way through to the other side of the crowd, I caught Trish and Melissa looking at me with wide eyes.

“What?” I said.

“You were amazing, Jenny!” said Melissa. “You totally took charge!”

“I can't believe we got to see you in action,” said Trish. “It was so exciting.”

I shrugged like it was no big deal, but I had to admit that hearing their compliments felt great. After years of not being able to share this part of my life with my friends, they could finally see what it was like to walk in my adventuring sneakers.

“Thank you again for showing us the way, Sir Knight,” said Melissa, fluttering her eyelashes in his direction. We had managed to make it to the other side of the village without any more scrapes.

Clang. Clang. Clang.
“The pleasure is all mine,” the knight declared.

“You didn't have to go to all this trouble,” I said. “We could have made it to the witch's house by ourselves.”

“Nonsense!” The knight flipped up his helmet.
Ding!
“I couldn't allow three fair maidens to put themselves in harm's way.”

Melissa elbowed me in the ribs. “Isn't he cute?” she whispered.

“He's clearly taken,” I whispered back, thinking of the way he and Aletha had drooled over each other. “Not to mention too old for you.”

Clang. Clang. Clang.

“Sir Knight, do you always wear your armor?” I couldn't help asking over the ringing in my ears.

The knight nodded, his usually proud shoulders drooping. “Alas, Ilda cast a spell on me that prevents me from ever taking off my armor.”

“You can
never
take it off?” said Trish, scratching her head with her pencil. “Not even when you go to sleep?”

“Never,” said Sir Knight. “I suppose I shall wear it until I die.” He let out a soft laugh. “It's not all bad, I suppose. I
am
able to remove my helmet. And I'm prepared for battle at any moment.”

“But what about Princess Aletha?” said Melissa. “If you didn't have your armor anymore, you wouldn't have to worry about scaring her all the time. Then you two could be together.”

The knight let out a long sigh and started humming a mournful tune. I couldn't imagine how hard it must be on him, knowing that every move he made caused the woman he loved to pass out. Definitely not a recipe for a successful relationship.

“Don't worry,” I told the knight. “I'm sure we'll be able to get Ilda to reverse her spell.” And then my ears would finally get a break, I thought wistfully.

When we came to the end of the path, I spotted someone leaning against a giant rock. As we got closer, I realized it wasn't a some
one
. It was more of a some
thing
. An animal covered in thick fur, standing on its hind legs, and wearing—if my eyes weren't deceiving me—gym shorts.

“Is that a wolf?” Melissa whispered. “Dressed in workout clothes?”

Sir Knight drew his sword. “Fear not. I shall handle this.” He started humming a heroic tune again as he rushed off down the path.
CLANG! Clang! Clang.

“Come on!” I called to my friends, running after him. The last thing I wanted was to watch Sir Knight accidentally stab his eye out with his own weapon.

When I reached the end of the path, I spotted Sir Knight gesturing wildly with his sword. But when I get closer, I was surprised to see that instead of threatening the wolf, the knight was chatting with him as if the two were old friends.

“And then,” Sir Knight was saying, “I told the crowd to clear the way to let the maidens pass or they would have me to reckon with. Instantly, the villagers fell to their knees and begged me to spare their lives.”

“Good for you!” the wolf said. “Those villagers need to be reminded who's boss.” The wolf glanced up as my friends and I came to a stop. He bared his teeth in a wide smile and licked his lips. “Who are these tasty morsels?”

“Now, Ralph,” said Sir Knight. “I asked you to be courteous with these maidens.”

“I
am
being courteous,” said the wolf. “Or at least, I'd like to be
courting
them.” He laughed at his own terrible joke.

I couldn't help rolling my eyes. Was this what fairy-tale wolves were like? How could Red Riding Hood stand talking to one for more than a second? Then I noticed that Melissa was giggling and self-consciously tucking her hair behind her ears. Maybe his methods did have an effect on some people.

“Sir Knight, we have to go,” I said, ignoring the wolf's leering gaze.

“So soon?” said Ralph. He reached behind the boulder and brought out a dumbbell carved from wood. Then he started pumping iron in an obvious attempt to impress us.

“Wow, you're so strong!” said Melissa, tossing her hair over her shoulder. What was wrong with her? Was this meathead routine really working on her?

Meanwhile, Trish was sketching a portrait of the wolf in her notebook. “Mr. Wolf,” she said, “do you know a girl who wears a red hood, by any chance?”

The wolf stopped his workout, his eyes suddenly shifty. “What are you implying? Has someone been spreading rumors about me?” Then he froze, his ears standing at attention. “I hear it,” he whispered. “It's coming.”

“What's coming?” I asked. Then I heard it, too. Something was running toward us at top speed. My first thought was more people “riding” their bikes, but this was different. This sounded huge.

The ground started to shake as the thing charged toward us. Meanwhile, Ralph's eyes had become perfect circles and drool was dripping from his chin.

“Dinner,” he whispered.

“Ralph, no!” said Sir Knight. “Try to control yourself.”

A second later, what had to be the most enormous rooster in the universe ran out from the bushes. It was at least the height of a basketball hoop.

The rooster took one look at us, let out a terrified crow, and charged down the path. I must have been seeing things, because I could have sworn the rooster was wearing a pink bonnet on its head and a leather saddle on its back.

Before I could even react, Ralph bolted after the rooster on all fours. He bounded about ten feet, looking like he was about to catch the rooster's tail in his teeth.

Suddenly the wolf's entire body snapped back like he'd hit an invisible wall. He flew through the air and landed on the ground with a dull thump.

“Ralph!” Sir Knight called, clanging over to him. “Are you all right?”

“One day,” the wolf was muttering as he sat up, clearly dazed. “One day, I'll catch it.”

“What
was
that?” I said. The last thing I'd expected to see in a fairy-tale land was a gigantic rooster.

“Ilda's steed,” said Sir Knight.

“Steed?” Trish repeated. “Isn't that normally a horse?”

“Usually, yes,” said Sir Knight. “But Ilda prefers that beast. She rides him all around the village. The saddle is enchanted, so the foul creature must do whatever Ilda commands.”

Melissa giggled. “
Fowl
creature! Get it?”

Sir Knight looked at her blankly. Apparently, he wasn't a big fan of puns.

Meanwhile, Trish's face was glowing with excitement. “Of course! This all makes perfect sense.”

I looked at her. “
What
about oversized, saddled poultry makes sense?”

Melissa was still giggling. “It sure did smell
fow
l
! I heard it got kicked out of a rooster race for
fowl
play.” Apparently, the wolf's terrible pun disease was contagious.

“It's something I came across in an Eastern European folk tale,” Trish said. “A character flying around on a giant rooster. I thought it was a pretty weird thing to put into a story, but I guess it must have been inspired by that thing.”

“That thing” had long since faded into the bushes, but Ralph was still staring after the huge rooster with crazed eyes.

“Once a day, Ilda has the creature run past here,” Ralph said. “And every day, I get a little bit closer to catching it. If I keep training, someday I will.”

“But what happened?” I said. “Why couldn't you keep running?”

“My chain. It's one of Ilda's curses,” said Ralph, finally snapping out of his trance. “It only lets me go so far. That's why the witch sends that creature by here every day to torture me.”

“I don't see a chain,” said Melissa.

Ralph sighed. “It's invisible. But trust me, it's real.” He clambered to his four feet, then straightened up so he was back to standing on two. Then he limped over to the boulder and started weight-lifting again. “Next time, I'll be ready,” I heard him say.

I glanced at my friends and saw the same pitying look on their faces that was probably also on mine. I never thought I'd feel sorry for a slimy wolf, but whatever Ralph's personality faults, what Ilda had done to him was unbelievably cruel.

It was yet another thing we would have to set right.