Mountains Wanted (21 page)

Later, after a long, hot
shower together, she picked up the phone to call her mother. She was feeling so
giddy with all the endorphins and adrenaline pumping through her veins from
their earlier romps that her mother almost didn’t recognize her voice.

“What’s wrong?” Kathy
Lynde questioned, the concern evident in her tone.

“Nothing’s wrong, Mom, I
just wondered if I might get a little more time away,” Sarah explained.

“Oh,” Kathy replied with
noticeable relief. “Are you with James?” she asked hopefully.

“Yes I am,” Sarah
admitted, a sheepish grin on her face. She felt a little guilty asking for more
time away from her kids. This was the part of motherhood that she found most
challenging: balancing her own needs against those of her children. Obviously,
the latter always won out. As they grew older and more independent, she had to
remind herself constantly that their needs did not include her being physically
present 24/7. But as a single parent, she knew the responsibility for these
two young lives rested squarely on her shoulders. So, once again, it came
down to a balancing act. But since she’d been with them for the entirety of
Christmas Break, she knew she shouldn’t feel bad about having some adult time.

“Oh good, honey, that’s
fine! You haven’t had more than a single night away from the kids in ages,”
came her mother’s reply. “Why don’t you just pick them up tomorrow
afternoon?” she suggested.

“Oh, thank you, Mom,
that would be great,” Sarah replied and looked at James with a wide smile on
her face and flashed him a thumbs up sign. She felt like she did when she was a
young girl and was granted permission to have a girlfriend spend the night. She
thanked her mother again, asked if the kids wanted to say hi, but they were
playing a board game so she said goodbye and hung up.

“So, how long can I have
you?” he asked, pulling her into his arms.

As long as you want me
, Sarah replied in her head but responded with
her voice: “Till tomorrow afternoon.”

James grinned and pulled
her into the kitchen to go over their lunch options. The rest of the day was a
whirlwind. They went for a hike on the frozen tundra of a nearby park. They
picked up groceries for dinner and it was now Sarah’s turn to show off her
culinary skills, settling on lasagna, which upon tasting he was duly impressed.
Finally the sun set on the first day of 2011 and she found herself curled up
with her head on his lap on the sofa, surrounded by his plethora of books.

“This has been nice,” he
sighed, running his fingers through her dark tresses, untangling the knots that
came from hiking in the cold January wind.

“Very nice,” Sarah
agreed.
This feels like a moment
, she thought,
a moment for us to
discuss where we are. I want to be bold. To ask for what I want.

He was quiet and she
wondered if similar thoughts had invaded his mind. “What’s up?” he finally
asked, sensing the wheels turning in her head.

“Well,” Sarah started,
choosing her words carefully, “I guess I’m a little confused.”

“Oh yeah?  Why’s
that?” He barely moved, his words were smooth and calm.

“I don’t really
understand what we are,” she admitted, a tiny voice urging her on while a
stronger one told her she was making a mistake rocking the boat.

James didn’t miss a
beat, “Well, we are homo sapiens...I am of the male variety, and you, the
female,” he laughed.

Sarah sighed.
 I
didn’t realize he was going to make a joke out of this. 
“How do you
think of me?” She tried to disguise the fact that she was a little rattled
by his facetiousness.

James stiffened and sat
up, forcing Sarah to rise as well. She scooted to the other end of the couch
and pulled her knees up, wrapping her arms around her legs and pulling them in
close to her body.  He was clearly uncomfortable, the humor faded and
replaced with ambivalence. “I don’t know what you mean, Sarah. I think of
you as a friend. And a lover.” His whole demeanor had changed in a
flash.

Patience
, she chided herself. 
Don’t make him get
defensive
. “I feel really close to you sometimes, James,” she confessed. “I’ve
started thinking of you as a big part of my life. But when I think about you,
when I talk about you...I just don’t know what kind of label to give you. I
don’t know where our boundaries are.”

He looked at her, his
eyes softening, and pulled her hand into his. “Why do you need a label? We
enjoy each other’s company. Why do we need anything else?” he questioned, the
sharp edges shaved off his voice.

“I’m a sociologist,”
Sarah rebutted, “it’s my job to define relationships and social interactions. I
can’t help it.”

“I see,” came his reply.
She could see him accept defeat; his shoulders fell. He was going to have to
talk about his feelings. 
I bet he thought after the New Year’s Eve
conversation he was off the hook for a while
, she thought.
 Little
does he know that seeing that glimpse only made me crave more.

“I’m sorry,” she
apologized. “I’m not trying to pressure you or upset you in any way. I
just want to know where you see us...where I fit into your life.” She
searched his eyes for some sort of understanding, a portal into his heart. “I
thought it was a fair question...after all, I’ve known you almost five months
now.”

He leaned in toward her
and ran a finger through her hair, tucking it behind her ear. “I care a
lot about you, Sarah.”  

She sensed a “but.”

He stood up and crossed
to the other side of the room, facing the fireplace, his back to her. “I’m
just at a different place in my life right now than you are. I’m not ready to
settle down now...but someday I hope to meet a woman I can fall in love with
and start a family.” His voice trailed off.  He smiled and added, “You
know, the American Dream.” The facetiousness was back.
So easy to deflect
seriousness with humor
, Sarah noted.

She remained seated,
motionless.
This is what I expected him to say
, she realized. “I’m not
asking you for anything like that,” she explained. “I just want to know how I
fit into your life. Where you see this going.”

“Oh,” James replied
sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to jump to conclusions.”

She stood and walked to
him, putting her arms around his waist and leaning against his back, her head
almost reaching his shoulder. “I feel a strong connection with you is
all,” Sarah said wistfully, “And I enjoy having you in my life. I don’t want
what we have to end.”

He turned toward her and
pulled her into his arms. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “Don’t worry.”

***

It had been an
excruciatingly long day of wedding dress shopping. Sarah’s feet hurt and her
nerves were frazzled. She envied Abby being at the house watching two
pre-adolescent boys despite the accompanying gross humor, not to mention foul
odors, she would endure. Kathy Lynde, acting as the honorary Mother of the
Bride as the real one was hundreds of miles away, had been the ever-gracious
peacemaker throughout the day, but even she was ready to hand over her Miss
Congeniality title by the end of the day. The only person who still seemed to
have any energy was Rachel.
And it’s not exactly a positive energy,
Sarah observed.

The three ladies finally
agreed on a Japanese place for dinner and spread out comfortably around the
table. Sarah was the first to break the silence. “So, we’ve covered every
bridal shop in Baltimore; does that mean DC is next?”

“There are a few places
in Annapolis,” she replied with a hint of exasperation. “Is it just me or was
that saleslady at the last shop a total bitch?” Rachel had a knack for
delivering expletives in an even louder volume than her normal speaking voice
and usually just as the wait staff was making their rounds by the table. The
petite Asian girl who was about to take their order turned and hurried back to
the kitchen at the utterance of the “B word.”

“Well, you just scared
off the waitress,” Sarah laughed, trying to inject a bit of mirth into the
terse mood that had enveloped the table.

“I don’t care what that
hideous cow said, I am not a size 16 and I’m not ordering a dress that big,”
Rachel continued, unfazed. “For fuck’s sake, I’m only 5’1”...that dress would
be as wide as it is long! What kind of fucking moronic game is that?
 Humiliate the Bride Before The Wedding Invitations Even Get Sent Out?”

Kathy put her hand over
Rachel’s soothingly. “Now, honey, you know it’s all a conspiracy, right? They’re
in cahoots with the tailor they employ. They order the dress extra big and then
you pay extra to have it taken in!” she explained matter-of-factly.

A look of realization
spread across Rachel’s face, unfurrowing her brow. “Ah, that makes perfect
sense,” she agreed.

Yes, a conspiracy
theory! Way to go, Mom
,
Sarah thought, shooting her mother a congratulatory wink.

Satisfied with her
newfound understanding, Rachel changed the subject. “So how was New Years with
James?” she inquired. “You’ve barely said anything about him all day!”

Sarah shrugged. “There’s
not really that much to say,” she confessed. “I spent the weekend with him
and we had a fabulous time.”

“Oh, come on, that’s
bullshit, we want details!” She looked across the table for support:
“Don’t we, Kathy?” Rachel goaded her. Sarah’s mother nodded vigorously, knowing
her daughter’s hesitation wasn’t due to her presence. Sarah had often
discussed the details of her relationships with her mother, and oftentimes with
Rachel while her mother was present. Neither woman understood why she was being
so secretive this time.  

Sarah began to
straighten in her chair, as if poised to divulge a deep, dark secret. She
laughed at the reaction of her companions, the way they hung on the edges of
their seats like they were about to receive a juicy morsel of gossip. “Okay,
here’s the deal,” she admitted plainly, “I am afraid I like him more than he
likes me.

Another epiphanic look
raptured Rachel’s face. “Oh, I get it now,” she declared, suddenly feeling
sagacious. “You aren’t in control, and that’s something you hate.”

Kathy nodded in
agreement. “I think you totally figured her out, Rachel, well done!”

Sarah felt exposed. “While
it’s true I’m used to a dynamic more like what I have with Pawel, I’m okay with
not being in control all the time. I think...,” she paused to consider her
choice of words, “that I’m just afraid of losing him and maybe never feeling
this way again.”

 
“Is it because he’s in the Army?” Kathy
wondered.

Sarah shook her head,
“It’s not that. I’m afraid he’s going to meet someone he likes better.
Someone younger. Someone hotter. Someone without kids. Someone less
complicated.”

Rachel sighed, “If he
loves you, he will accept all those things about you: your age, your having
kids.” She was thinking about Jack and how they’d finally come to realize that
they loved each other, flaws and all, and there was no obstacle so great that
they couldn’t overcome it. She was lost in a dreamy look momentarily till Sarah
shot back.

“Well, I don’t think he loves
me,” Sarah said bluntly. “I think my feelings are too intense.”

“Has he met the kids
yet?” her mother asked, diffusing the tension left by her daughter’s last
admission.

“Nope,” Sarah
replied. “And he’s not going to. I’d prefer he just go on thinking of me
as the sexy professor and leave Owen and Abby out of it.”

Rachel burst in, “At
first I thought you should keep the kids out of it, but now I think that’s a
big mistake. Your kids are a huge part of who you are. You can’t expect him to
fall in love with a part of you. He has to know the real you....and maybe
that’s held him back. Maybe he’s scared of the unknown...you know, kids are
scary to people who don’t have them.”

“Another brilliant point
by Ms. Brock,” her mother praised Rachel. “Hanging out with a sociologist all
the time has certainly worn off on you, sweetie!” She turned to her daughter,
suggesting, “Why don’t you invite him for dinner with you and the kids sometime
this next week?”

Sarah groaned, unsure if
she was ready to open the doors between those two worlds just yet. “I
don’t know, guys....” She couldn’t even picture it. “I will think about it. That’s
all I can promise for now.”

***

   
       
Sarah
was in her office the next week working on her book. Owen and Abby were
back to school, but the university’s classes had not yet resumed. Sarah always
felt like that week or two between the end of the kids’ Christmas Break and the
start of her spring semester was a treasure. No meetings, usually no deadlines,
no papers to grade, just time to catch up on loose ends and prepare for another
semester. The only better time was summer.

Her train of thought
jumped off the tracks at the sudden sharp knock on her door. She had it locked
so she jumped up to open it and revealed Pawel on the other side. “Oh my
god!” she exclaimed. “I didn’t know you were back in town!”

“I wanted to surprise
you!” he smiled, taking her into his arms. The first thing she noticed was not
his warmth or smell, but how slight he felt compared to James. She shook
that thought away and looked up into his face. He kissed her gently and then
guided her inside the door so she could shut it behind them.

“When did you get in?”
Sarah asked. “How was your flight?”

“Last night. And everything
was perfect,” he replied, still drinking in the image of her.  “Is it
possible that you’re more beautiful than when I left?”

She laughed. “Pretty sure
I’m just ‘more.’ Might have eaten a little too much candy and junk over
the holidays,” she patted her stomach. “I’m going back to the gym this week. You
know, with the other hoards of resolution makers.”

“I love your body,”
Pawel said, smoothing his hands down her frame, sliding around her hips. He had
sat on her soft, oversized chair and pulled her into his face so that it
pressed against her stomach. She clasped her hands behind his neck and hugged
him tight.  

She remembered the
pendant he had sent her for Christmas and pulled it out of her sweater with her
index finger. “Pawel, I still can’t b
e
lieve you sent this! It’s absolutely stunning!”

“Yet it still pales in
comparison to the loveliness it graces,” he said with an adoring smile.

“Wanna grab some lunch?”
Sarah suggested and he nodded. She gathered up her purse and keys and they
headed back out the door and around the block to a little sandwich shop just
off campus.

Pawel caught her up on
everything in his homeland. His oldest son had gotten engaged, and like Rachel,
was planning a summer wedding. “It means I can’t stick around the States
for a for weeks after the semester ends like I planned to.”

“Oh,” Sarah remarked,
sensing his disappointment. “Well, you will only see your son get married once!
Hopefully...” she added.

“True,” Pawel agreed.
“But I was going to sweep you away on a western adventure.  I wanted to see
some sights while I’m here. I’ve been up and down the coasts and I’ve been to
Chicago and Texas. I wanted to go to your mountains...see where your
people come from.”

The sweetness of that
statement slowly sunk into Sarah’s soul. “Well, maybe you can come back
and visit sometime,” she consoled him. She wanted to run her fingers
through his wavy hair and push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. His
hair had grown out even more since he’d been away, and he had the beginnings of
a beard poking through his chin and cheeks. He pulled off the erudite
professorial look to a T.

He looked a bit
disappointed by her suggestion, wishing she’d proposed something more
adventurous...or something more concrete, instead of seeming dismissive. But he
suddenly brightened. “I plan on making the most of the time I have left here,”
he promised.  

She smiled back.
Maybe
juggling two men isn’t the best idea
, she considered, thinking of her book
and how much work her classes were going to be this semester.
But I get
something I need from both of them
, she argued.  
I’ll just make it
work.  I always do.

***

   
       
Tonight
is the night. How do I make this seem casual when I feel so much pressure to
make sure everyone likes each other?
Sarah debated as she drove to pick up
the pizzas. 
Pizza
, she decided,
is a symbol of “casual,” not a
complicated dinner cooked from scratch
. She had also fretted over what to
tell Abby and Owen. They already knew she hung out with Pawel quite a bit but
she was fairly certain they believed their relationship to be platonic, despite
the whole gifted necklace business. She knew Abby would be able to sense there
was something more to her friendship with James;
Owen is so perceptive, he
likely will too
, she realized.

She’d decided against
inviting her mother over for dinner too.
That would just be too overwhelming
,
Sarah thought. Her mother could be quite outspoken at times, and who knew what
kind of intellectual sparring match she might try to start with James.
Heaven forbid he share any of his thoughts
about homosexuals serving in the military
, Sarah shuddered, remembering
their very first conversation over coffee.
Simple, relaxed, and casual. That’s
what I’m going for here. Like a walk in the park.  

She arrived home, pizzas
in tow, and went immediately to the kitchen to get everything prepared. Abby
slinked in and quickly observed, “Why are you rushing around? Are you nervous
or something?”

Sarah turned around to
face her daughter, her skin warming. “I...I’m not, I just have been rushing
around all day,” she replied. “I guess I haven’t gotten out of work mode yet.” She
laughed and made a mental note to tone down her energy level. “How was school
today?”

“Ugh,” Abby responded,
offering up one of her classic eye rolls.

“That bad?” Sarah
questioned.

“Geometry test,” she
explained, shaking her head. “Not my finest moment.”  

Sarah patted her
shoulder sympathetically just as she heard the knock at the door. “Don’t worry,
I’m sure you did fine.” She had started to head for the back door but then
James appeared in the kitchen, letting himself in. He nodded at Sarah but
turned his attention to Abby immediately. “You must be Abby,” he said confidently.
“I’ve heard a lot about you.” He shook her hand, pumping it so vigorously that
her tiny frame moved up and down.

Sarah could already see
Abby’s eyes light up just to have a handsome man’s attention on her, calling
her name. Her face glowed and the commotion sent Owen running into the kitchen
at full speed. He stopped short right at James’ feet and looked up with his
wide brown eyes, “I’m Owen!”  He had very nearly crashed right into him.

James stepped back a
bit, laughing. Even in January, he was still wearing sandals, his usual baggy khaki
pants and a gray sweater. He turned to Sarah and remarked, “I’d know Owen was
yours anywhere. He looks just like you!”

Sarah smiled. “Yeah I’ve
heard that a time or two!” Owen had already grabbed James’ hand and dragged him
off to another room, probably to look at LEGO creations or a fort he’d
constructed out of furniture and sheets.

As soon as they were
alone, Abby nudged Sarah on the arm. “Wow, he’s really cute, Mom. How long have
you been seeing him?”

She never hesitated to
tell her kids the truth, or at least a version of it they could handle. “Since
September,” she replied. “Five months I guess?”