Mountains Wanted (23 page)

She nearly felt the heat
of his cheeks blushing as his wine glass clinked against hers. He couldn’t
even respond, his eyes were crinkled so deeply with happiness. The wine exploded
against her tongue and seemed to be absorbed directly into her bloodstream. She
didn’t know what was more dizzying: the alcohol or the smile that radiated from
his face.

He suddenly grew serious
and reached for her hand, which he held in his across the table. “There’s one
more thing you should know,” he said, his fingers lacing through hers.

And now her heart began
to pound. This time he didn’t make her wait. “I’m deploying in June.”

Her face was blank as
she struggled to keep the emotion from being painted across its canvas. Finally
a word managed to form itself on her lips: “Where?” She flashed back...her
cheek on his chest, his arm around her...
This man is going to break my heart
someday
. She always knew he would leave. 
I knew this was coming. Shit.

“Oh, Sarah,” he
whispered, “don’t.”  He waited for her eyes to meet his. They were round
and wide with uncertainty.  “Please, Sarah...this is a good thing. This is
a great opportunity for me. It’s only for nine months.”

“Where?” she repeated,
this time her voice stronger.

“Afghanistan.”

***

    The next
week was a blur. Sarah’s Auto Pilot was in high gear, steering her through a
cycle consisting of office, class and home, requiring very little emotion or
thought. She spent the night with Pawel that Friday night and stayed home
and watched movies with the kids, Rachel and Thomas on Saturday night. She
let Rachel keep her up all night with talk of bouquets, centerpieces, and
wedding music. She didn’t see James. She didn’t contact him. She reached for
the switch in her mind that controlled The James Channel and tried desperately
to turn it off.

Finally it was Tuesday,
the day of the commissioning ceremony and Sarah was forced to flip the channel
back on. She walked across the campus that afternoon in the late January chill,
the sun already beginning to sink toward the horizon at 4 pm. Everything was
washed in dappled golden rays, but it was a cold, unforgiving winter sunshine,
the kind that constantly reminded how far away summer was.
By summer, he
will be gone
, she sighed, a thought that chilled her more than the air.

She walked up to the
auditorium and the memory of her trudging up the same steps in fuchsia flip
flops five months before materialized beside her.
The night we met
, she
remembered.
I would have never envisioned all this coming from that single
question he posed to me after the panel on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. 
She
couldn’t shrug away the butterflies that were starting to flit between her
ribs.
Just a tiny moment that changed me forever
, she thought.  
A
tiny, solitary moment.

James was already there,
decked out in his dress uniform, his shoulders impossibly broad, the line from
his shoulders down to his shiny patent-leather clad feet impossibly sharp. Despite
the stiff looking ensemble, he looked relaxed conversing with the other
officers, his superiors. There was a softness around his eyes that Sarah
recognized, that the uniform couldn’t disguise. Now that she knew him so
intimately, his usually well-concealed tenderness was impossible to hide from her.
She looked at him through such different eyes than she had five months before.
He had gone from an amorphous figure to a three dimensional one, one that made
her heart react in ways her brain was not able to control.  

His peripheral vision
finally tuned into her presence and he turned toward her, excusing himself from
the conversation. He let her give him a chaste hug. His students were present
and giving him knowing glances which made Sarah giggle. She wondered if they
had any overlap in students, but she didn’t recognize any of the faces. He
showed her where to sit and then rejoined the officers.

The ceremony got
underway but Sarah was so lost in thought she didn’t even hear the words. She
watched James cross to the front of the room.
So formal
. She tried to
watch his body as if he was a stranger, but she couldn’t help but think about
what was under that uniform. How she knew every muscle, every freckle and
mole, every nuance of his physical structure.  How he looked with his eyes
closed. The way his biceps bulged when his hands were behind his head. The
shape of his navel. The pattern of his chest chair.  

And then she thought
about what she knew of his insides, what had taken her much longer to uncover.
His
vulnerable side. The way he can be self-deprecating at times but is usually so
damn confident that he borders on cocky. And what about the books? All the
freaking books! How he spouts off some historical or scientific fact and completely
catches me off guard. What about his conviction? The fact that he is willing to
give up his life for our country. The way he poses philosophical questions
out of the blue, the way someone else might ask what I think of a recent movie.
How sometimes I look into those blue eyes and feel like I am staring into his
soul.

Suddenly she was being
called to the front of the room for the pinning. She rose, on Auto Pilot,
and walked almost as formally and stiffly to the stage as he had. She was
handed the pin for one side and the officer did the other. As soon as she
touched his body, even through the thick uniform jacket, she felt his heat
absorbed into her flesh. He stared straight ahead but she could tell he noticed
the immediately flicker of electricity.

There is something
between us...call it electric, call it chemical...something that defies logic
and reality. And that is why I am here and not walking away right now.

This man is going to
break my heart,
she reiterated, feeling
her intuition grab ahold of her and shake her, begging her to be strong, to
find her pragmatic side, to steel herself against the fall. She’d climbed so
high...it was going to be a long way down.

***

   
        
Owen’s birthday was that weekend. Sarah’s house was full of rambunctious ten
and eleven year old boys along with the accompanying stomping feet, loud voices,
nerf guns and video games. Abby had wisely escaped to Chloe’s house for the
evening but Sarah’s mother and Rachel had come to provide moral support and a
slight chance of balancing out all the testosterone. Rachel volunteered to
clean up the kitchen after the devastation was mostly complete and Kathy and
Sarah went to check for damages to the rest of the house.  

Kathy was scooping
wrapping paper and smashed soda cans up into the trash bag she was holding. Suddenly
an innocent “How are things with James?” was tossed out into the space between
them.

Sarah immediately
bristled. She usually didn’t mind sharing details of her love life with her
mother or with Rachel but lately she’d wanted to told those details close to
her heart.
Out of fear
, she guessed.
Fear that I will really have to
admit what he’s doing to me.

Kathy Lynde wisely
sensed the answer in her daughter’s silence. “It’s okay, you don’t have to talk
about him if you don’t want to.  It’s been awhile since I saw you affected
by a man though, Sarah, and I have to tell you, if I’m being honest,” her dark
eyes grew wide behind her thick-lensed glasses, “I’m kind of worried about
you.”

“Oh, Mom,” Sarah brushed
her off. “I’m almost 37 years old. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from
Matt and Daniel and whatever other asshats I’ve been with, it’s that I can
stand on my own two feet. I’m my own person and my feelings are my
responsibility, not a man’s.”

“That’s my girl,” Kathy
smirked, knowing full well that Sarah’s response was a defense mechanism. She
was familiar with her daughter’s drive to avoid admitting any kind of weakness.

“Mom,” Sarah said after
a moment, stripping down that wall she’d just constructed, “he’s deploying.” She
barely got the word out of her mouth before the tears unexpectedly choked her,
forcing her words back into her throat.

“Oh, honey,” Kathy
sighed. She put down the trash bag and gathered her daughter up into her arms.
The simple embrace released the floodgates and soon Sarah was sobbing onto her
mother’s shoulder.

She finally caught her
breath and was able to ease the words out, words tinged with anger and directed
inward, “I don’t know why I’m so upset. I knew all along this would happen. I
knew from day one, Mom, from the first time I laid in his arms.”

“Sometimes that doesn’t
matter,” Kathy replied soothingly. “Sometimes you must see what’s behind that
door, sometimes you are just compelled...as if by invisible forces...I’ve felt
it, sweetheart, I know.” She brushed her daughter’s hair back from her eyes and
tucked it behind her ear. Then she wiped away a stray tear that had clung to
her reddened cheeks.

Kathy Lynde had more
empathy in her pinky finger than most people had in their entire souls. Sarah
wiped her eyes and nodded. “And it’s just like that. It’s like I can’t help
myself. I can’t stay away. When I’m with him, I’m on top of the highest
mountain. And when I’m not, I’m in the lowest valley.” She shook her head,
irritated that she couldn’t articulate her feelings without resorting to
metaphors. “I’ve never felt this way before....I feel so out of control! I
didn’t even know it was possible to feel this way. I am not used to feeling
irrational,” she managed a laugh.

“I was like that with
your father,” Kathy said. “And I was too young to be able to look at my feelings
objectively like you can, to recognize that you’re being irrational. I
didn’t know I was going to get hurt. That I would lose him. But you do know,
and it’s okay, Sarah. There’s only one thing you can do.”

Sarah’s eyes widened,
wondering if there could really be an answer to this unending torment. “What’s
that?”

Kathy took her
daughter’s hands into her own and looked into her face, marveling at the
eeriness of staring into the eyes of a 20 years-younger version of herself. “Just
enjoy every minute you get with him, sweetheart. Every single minute is pure
gold. You may never feel this force again. I think some people go through
their entire lives without feeling it. But to feel this power, what you feel
right now for James? This is divine, Sarah. This is a gift. Embrace it.
 Learn from it. Relish it.”

Sarah nodded and hugged
her mother tight. Kathy Lynde, wisest woman on the planet, had just given
Sarah’s heart the words it had been trying to tell her head for the last five
months.

***

   
        
February was a wild tease, provocatively
flirting with warmer temperatures even though everyone in the mid-Atlantic
region knew it would be a long while before Spring settled in for good. Sarah
had stuffed her winter coat at the back of the closet, knowing full well she’d have
to dig it back out again. She was burning to be outdoors, to be active, to burn
off the ten pounds she’d gained hibernating during the winter. Her students
seemed to share her restlessness as they counted down to spring break. Everywhere
she went, Sarah noticed the masses of humankind were beaten down by the
meteorological roller coaster, desperately craving stability.

Pawel and Sarah had gone
on a bike ride and picnic one unseasonably warm Sunday afternoon. The park was deserted
except for a few brave squirrels and a chipmunk or two. The trees were still
bare and the ground was firm but thawing. A dampness clung to everything,
coupled with a chill when the sun hid behind the clouds. They sat on top of a
picnic table tossing bread crumbs to the squirrels and attracting the attention
of a few winter birds.  

Sarah took off her knit
cap and shook out her dark hair all around her. Her skin was starting to
feel itchy in the damp chill. “I need to get home soon,” she remarked, interrupting
Pawel’s staring contest with a nearby squirrel.

He took her gloved hand
into his. “Your cheeks are flushed the most delicious shade of rose,” he
offered. “They look like apples and I want to bite them.”  

Only Pawel could say
that with a straight face
,
Sarah mused. “Is that so?” she retorted. “Well, no one is stopping you!” She
threw him a teasing smirk.

He turned toward her and
with one finger lifted her chin in the direction of his mouth. He grazed
his teeth against her cold flesh and she felt his heat searing through her,
replaced by a chill as the saliva evaporated. Then his lips were on her, soft
and gentle, his facial hair brushing against her. The wind whipped through her
hair, throwing it into the breeze and making it flap against both of their
faces like a dark veil. He eased her down onto the picnic table and pressed his
body against hers. He was so hard that she could feel his cock throbbing
against her thigh through two layers of thick denim as his mouth continued to
devour her.
Damn, I wish I had worn a skirt,
she thought wistfully as
she considered how much better it would feel if they were naked with him
sliding inside her hot wetness.

“God, Sarah, I want you
so bad,” he whispered against her neck, the sound tickling her ear. She sat up
and pulled him to a sitting position so that his posterior was on the top of
the table and his feet rested on the bench, then slid under him so that she
faced him on the bench. She began to unbuckle his pants, furtively
glancing around the clearing to make sure no one had stumbled upon them. Satisfied
the coast was clear, she pulled his cock out of his cotton boxers and
immediately plunged her hungry mouth down on top of it, taking his entire
length deep to the back of her throat. He gasped at the contrast of the cold
air with her hot mouth.

She felt a drop of his
excitement ooze onto her tongue as she began to work his cock with her mouth
and hands, stroking him more quickly and more firmly and swirling her tongue
around his head.  She felt his hips rise to meet her mouth, his hands
laced in her hair, guiding her throat down so that he was balls deep inside
her. “Oh, Sarah, don’t stop...oh fuck that feels amazing....just like
that....I’m so close...” he moaned.  

She barely had time to
breathe during the upstrokes and was concentrating on not choking when the tip
hit her tonsils. She began to use her hands more on his shaft and focused her tongue
and lips on his glans. Pawel’s eyes were half-closed and she wondered if some
of what he was grunting was in Polish, but she couldn’t quite understand. She
felt his thighs tensing under her elbows as she leaned in to swallow him. Finally,
he groaned unintelligibly and she felt his hot salty semen shoot deep into the
back of her throat, so much all at once that it nearly gagged her. Her
eyes began to water as she forced herself to swallow the mouthful, his hands
still firmly holding her head in place.

He sat silently for
several moments, his cock still pulsating and oozing thick white fluid which
she greedily licked up. Once the sensations subsided, his dark eyes opened and
looked at her, full of gratitude and admiration. “That was simply
marvelous,” he assessed. “Now, what am I going to do for you?”

Sarah stood up from the
bench and immediately sensed that her panties were damp with desire. She pulled
a still shaky Pawel off the table and to a standing position, then guided him
toward his Jeep. He took the hint rather well and folded down the back
seat so there was room for Sarah to lie down. She eased her pants down to
her ankles, far enough that she could spread her legs. The Jeep was cool and
she could feel goosebumps springing up on her milky white thighs.

Pawel knelt between her
legs with barely enough room to maneuver but fully dedicated to returning the
favor she’d given him moments before. He sighed as his tongue made contact with
her clitoris; lapping up the juices that had accumulated between her labia. “Oh,
god, Sarah, you are delicious.”

I can only imagine how I
taste after biking and hiking
, Sarah thought but Pawel was so enthusiastic that she quickly put
it out of her mind as the sensations began to envelop her, turning her mind to
mush. This time it was her turn to lace her fingers through his hair as she
felt her orgasm beginning to build. She pushed her hips against his mouth,
rubbing her clit against his lips and giving him the hint that she wanted it in
his mouth. He happily obliged and she began to feel the impending climax surge
through her body. The stimulation was just right for keeping her on the edge
but suddenly she began to fantasize that someone was standing right outside the
Jeep, peering in the window. Her vision was of a younger man who after
 watching the action for a few moments, exhibited a noticeable bulge in
his pants. He had a hungry look in his eyes and was soon compelled to unzip his
pants and pull out his thick, hard cock. His eyes were glossy and wanton as
they burned through the glass, watching her writhe under Pawel’s tongue. The
thought of watching his hands sliding up and down his shaft, getting off on
watching her get off...well, that was enough. She exploded into Pawel’s face,
full force, drenching him in her juices, screaming and panting as the waves
shook through her, her body convulsing.

Pawel had a huge grin on
his face as he pulled away and grabbed a serendipitously placed towel from the
nearest seat. He wiped his face dry and handed the towel to Sarah. “Oh, god, I
think I made a little mess in your Jeep,” she laughed, mopping up the damp
upholstery.  

“No worries,” Pawel smiled.
“It was totally worth it!”

Sarah sat up and her
little fantasy from moments before flashed back to her. Her eyes had been shut
tight the whole time she’d imagined being watched. But as she glanced out
the window, she saw a tall lanky figure in a gray hooded sweatshirt and jeans
retreating deep into the woods.

***

Sarah realized that she
hadn’t seen Rachel since they picked out her bridal gown and the bridesmaids
dresses. Days had slipped into weeks and Sarah was feeling guilty for not
helping more with the wedding plans. She invited her best friend to lunch on a
Tuesday afternoon at the little sandwich place near her office. Rachel was
energetic and bubbly like usual but Sarah felt rather subdued, which her friend
picked up on immediately.

“What’s your deal?”
Rachel asked as soon as they’d ordered their meals.“ You seem like something is
up.” She had her no-nonsense, going-to-get-to-the-bottom-of-this look embedded
in her hazel eyes.

Sarah shrugged but
ultimately accepted that playing dumb was useless where Rachel was concerned. Not
only did she know Sarah better than any other soul, she was adept at dragging
information out of the most stoic individual. “It’s James,” she admitted,
realizing that resistance was futile.

She watched a trace of
empathy widen her friend’s pupils. “Because he’s leaving?” Rachel asked.

“Because he has so many
walls up,” Sarah explained. “I feel like he’s always on the verge of falling
for me. I feel it in his touch; I see it in his eyes. He just can’t get over
that wall.  I think there’s something he’s not telling me.”

Rachel nodded. “You
are so intuitive, I’d imagine you’re right.”

Sarah sighed,
contemplating her choices. “Maybe him leaving is for the best. Maybe
I should stop seeing him now. I just feel like I’m getting too attached.”

“What did your mom tell
you the other day? To enjoy it while it lasts...right?”
Sarah felt a tear stinging at the
corner of her eye. “She did say that, but I know I’m going to be hurt when he
leaves.”

“He won’t be gone
forever,” Rachel consoled her. “What is the deployment...nine months?
 How do you know he won’t want to be with you when he returns?”

Sarah nodded. “I know
nine months is not that long in the general scheme of things, but he could get
transferred someplace else.” She shook her head and choked back the tear. “I
don’t know why I feel so strongly. I just can’t figure it out. I already
feel like my heart is breaking and he’s still here.”

“Oh honey,” Rachel
patted her hand. “If it’s meant to be, it will work out.”

Sarah hated that answer.
She’d always hated the idea of letting fate decide her future.
My future is
what I make it
, she thought, the conviction she felt for that ideal burning
inside her.
 If we want to be together, we will make it happen through
the choices we make.
She didn’t have the energy to argue with Rachel.
She
has her man
, Sarah considered.
It’s easy for her to tell me to be
patient and wait for things to fall into place when she’s picking out wedding
cakes and flowers.
 

Sarah was spared from
further discussion on the topic due to the fact that their lunch arrived at the
precise moment Rachel was about to share another platitude. Sarah swirled her
soup in her bowl, raised her spoon and blew on it gingerly.
I’m just not
sure I can stick around and wait for fate to shine her favor on me
, she
thought.  
I think it’s time to leave while I can escape relatively
unscathed.

***

As if he sensed
something was awry, James was uncharacteristically chatty over text for the
next few days. He asked her a few times if she was okay, to which she responded
that she was busy grading the first round of exams.
Let’s do something this
weekend
, he urged.
You need a break.
Then he suggested a rock
climbing gym and Sarah suddenly felt pangs of homesickness for her mountains.
How
could I say no to that?
she asked herself.

He picked her up early
Saturday morning and they headed to Rockville. Sarah was excited but nervous. It
had been a while since she’d climbed, nearly five years. She’d gone a few times
in graduate school with friends - on real rocks of course - but this time she
felt out-of-practice and fearful of embarrassing herself in front of James, for
whom any athletic endeavor was second nature. She was quiet on the car ride,
looking out the window of his truck at the trees and the frost-kissed landscape
rushing past. Her head was spinning with ideas about how to tell him she needed
to move on.
My nerves are in a tizzy
, she thought.
 I hope I can
do this
, and by that she meant both tasks looming in front of her.

They settled in at the
gym and were helped into their equipment. Sarah mustered up enough confidence
to forego the instruction that was offered. 
This is going to be like
riding a bike...I hope. 
James’ blue eyes were gleaming as he watched
her place her foot in the first hold and reach for another.

The crazy dreams she’d
been having for the last six months about mountain climbing came rushing back
to her as her muscle memory responded to the familiar motions. She felt that
drive to reach the top, the one that had washed over her in her sleep so many
times. She wanted to watch James’ adept movements propel him to the top, his
muscles bulging and the look of concentration on his face, but she required all
that mental energy for her own climb. Pulling her weight up the faux rocks sent
a delicious pain burning through her muscles but the endorphins urged her
upward.

After reaching the
summit, they were both laughing and she was relieved to see that James seemed
impressed by her performance. “Not bad for an old chick, huh?” she joked.

He rolled his eyes, “You’re
not old, don’t be silly.” When they returned to earth, he helped her out of her
gear and pulled her into his arms, which were exposed in a royal blue
sleeveless athletic shirt. She was not particularly surprised to see that he
had barely broken a sweat. He squeezed her, his arms encircling her waist,
burying her face in the cleft between his pectorals.

I wish this didn’t feel
so damn good
, she thought, wondering
if she’d really be able to leave.