More Than I Can Bear (10 page)

“Isn't she just so precious?” Paige said as both she and Norman stared down over three-week-old Adele Monique Vanderdale. The baby girl was sleeping soundly in her bassinette, the one Norman had substituted her crib for.

“That she is,” Norman agreed, taking his thumb and rubbing it down the baby's soft brown skin. “She looks just like you, Paige, even though she's this tiny. All your features are just so prominent that it's eerie.”

“Yep, eerie,” Paige said out loud, but thought,
or a prayer answered.
From the minute she decided she was going to give birth to the baby, she prayed to God every day that the baby would look nothing like its biological father. She just didn't know if she'd be able to handle looking into Blake's eyes every day. That might have been just a tad too much to bear, and God must have known it. God must have known Paige wouldn't have been able to handle that. Maybe some other mother, but not her.

“I'm going to go change out of my work clothes.” Norman had rushed right in from work to do what he did all the time: lay eyes on his new bundle of joy.

During her pregnancy, Paige had often wondered if, once reality hit, if once her little black baby by another man was born, Norman would be able to deal with it. His conjuring up the idea for the two to live in holy matrimony for the sake of the baby had been a good deed indeed. But no good deed goes unpunished. Would he be tortured by looking at the reminder that Adele was not his, yet he was claiming her as his own? This could hinder him from moving forward in future relationships. There was really no turning back. Norman had signed the birth certificate. Besides, in the state of Ohio, the husband is automatically considered the father unless tests prove otherwise. As far as Paige was concerned though, there would be no test. Blake, due to the restraining order, was not allowed to make any contact with her whatsoever. With that being so, she'd never have the opportunity to tell him about Adele. Not any time in the near future anyway.

Sure Paige knew that one day she'd have to tell Adele the truth, but it would be on her timing and terms. And of course Adele would have the free will of seeking out her biological father if she so chose. But Paige had a feeling that after hearing the full details about her father and what kind of man he was, that would be something Adele would have to think long and hard about. Paige didn't plan on bad-mouthing and running Blake into the ground to his daughter, but for safety reasons, she owed it to her daughter to let her know what type of man she'd be dealing with, which was violent.

“I'll get your plate ready and warmed up,” Paige said to Norman as he left her bedroom and headed to his own. Paige made her way into the kitchen where she warmed up Norman some fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, greens seasoned with ham hocks, and a slice of cornbread. Soul food wasn't anything new to Norman's palate, having grown up with Miss Nettie in his house.

About ten minutes later, showered and wearing only his plaid pajama bottoms, Norman entered the kitchen just as Paige was turning around from the microwave with his plate in hand.

“Oh, God!” Paige said as his plate came crashing down to the ground.

“What's wrong? Paige, are you okay?” Norman raced over to Paige and put his arm around her.

“No, no, don't touch me. Don't do that.” Paige appeared nervous and her forehead began to sweat. She couldn't even make contact with Norman—eye contact or physical. She wriggled out from under his arm and took a few steps away from him.

“What did I do? What's wrong?” Norman questioned, confused. He thought back to the night he'd found out she was pregnant and how he'd startled her by walking into the kitchen in the middle of the night without announcing himself. But now that the two shared the same space, did he really have to announce himself?

“You came out here with no shirt on, that's what's wrong. Boy, go get some clothes on,” Paige demanded.

Norman looked down at his bare chest. He wasn't a cut-up built dude who spent hours in the gym, but he had a nice body with some pretty scrumptious definition. This was a part of him Paige had never seen before. “It's August, the heat of summer, and it's hot in here.”

“I thought I heard Adele sniffing today. I turned the air off.”

“Maybe you should have turned it down, but off? It's an oven in here, especially after getting out of that hot shower.”

“Then you should have taken a cold one,” Paige snapped.
Kind of like what I need to do right about now.
Paige began to fan herself. That same heat she'd felt that day Norman dropped her off at her house after having breakfast with her parents was making another cameo.

“You're hot,” Norman said, standing there, looking at Paige.

Paige looked down at her sky blue furry slide-in slippers that matched her nice little summery cotton housecoat. “Am I?” She began to blush at Norman's compliment.

“Yes, it's obvious.” Norman slowly approached Paige. He lifted his hand to her face. “See, you're sweating.” He rubbed her forehead then showed her the moisture on his hand. “Means you're hot.”

A frown covered Paige's face. “Oh, that's what you mean?” She couldn't hide the disappointment in her tone. She turned away in embarrassment.

“What else could I have meant?” Norman shrugged his shoulders until his mind thought just long enough to reach the intersection of where Paige's thoughts had parked. “Oooooohhhhh. You thought that when I said you're hot, that I was saying you are
hot
hot.” Norman bent over in laughter. “You are so crazy.”

Paige didn't say a word; she just stomped over to the counter, snatched off a wad of paper towels, and began picking up the food from the dropped plate off the floor. Stomping and a-slamming and a-seething, Paige cleaned up the mess. Norman was in too many hysterics to even notice her attitude. By the time Norman was able to get himself together, Paige was picking up the broken glass from the plate with tear-filled eyes.

“Paige, why aren't you laughing?” Norman asked, finally taking notice of his wife's disposition. “That was funny, right?” Norman had noticed that Paige had been more emotional than usual since getting pregnant and giving birth to Adele, but he was certain he hadn't said or done anything to make her cry.

“No, it wasn't,” Paige replied, carrying the broken glass over to the trashcan. With hands on hips Paige sharply turned around to face Norman. “And I don't think you thought it was funny either. Not that dang on funny.” Paige shot Norman a suspicious eye.

“What? What are you talking about?” Now it was Norman who couldn't look Paige in the eyes. His eyes looked downward at the few remnants left of the spilled plate.

“Umm, hmmm, just what I thought.” Paige lowered herself, trying to get within Norman's eyesight. The closer she walked to him, she raised herself, until she was smack dead in his face, forcing him to make eye contact. “I sometimes laugh to keep from crying, but you, my friend, were laughing to keep from—”

“Don't you dare go there,” Norman stopped her.

“Facing the truth.” Paige went there. “Norman Vanderdale, are you attracted to your wife?” Paige spoke as if she weren't referring to herself. “Come on, you can tell me. After all, I am your wife.” She let out a sarcastic chuckle. “You can tell your wife anything. We're best friends.”

Norman didn't think this game Paige was playing was cute at all. “Stop it, Paige, you're playing with fire.”

“Puhleeze. We've been playing with fire since we both said ‘I do.' So come on, Norman, tell your
best friend
what's on your mind.” Paige spoke in a teasing manner. The tables were now turned.

“That's just it; we're best friends!” Norman finally snapped. “And best friends aren't supposed to . . .”

“Get married?” Paige questioned.

“No; be attracted to one another.” Norman could recall once upon a time when he'd started to develop a slight attraction toward Paige. But she was a married woman, and they were best friends. Besides that, at the time, he was just a fill-in for Blake, the man she'd felt was her soul mate. Even when both Norman and Paige were single, not once had they contemplated dating each other. In fact, the only thing they had in common besides working at the same job was the fact that the two were single.

Paige had sensed Norman's attraction to her at one point. She too realized it was something that was developing simply because they were spending an excessive amount of time together, thanks to Blake practically living at his place of employment. On top of that, Paige had never known Norman to date black girls, not on purpose anyhow. He'd been set up on a few blind dates that resulted in a couple of them being women of color, but that was it. As far as Paige knew, Norman's attraction to her had vanished just as quickly as it had developed . . . or had it?

There was brief silence and Norman gathered his thoughts. “I feel so awful. I mean, I've repented a thousand times, yet I still feel so guilty,” Norman confessed.

“Repented?” Paige was missing something.

“The attraction . . . it was there long before you became my wife. As a matter of fact, it was there when you were another man's wife. It never went away. It's always been there. It's still here. I was just pretty good at sweeping it under the rug and keeping it there while I played the role of your best friend. But, Paige, I wanted more. I wanted you.”

Paige just stood there, flabbergasted. Norman's truth had knocked the wind out of her. She and her mother had talked about the fact that Paige and Norman keeping close quarters could lead to them crossing a line that had been drawn when they decided to run off and get married. Paige was adamant that that would never happen. Her mother warned her of the inevitable. So when Paige had just thought that Norman was calling her hot as a compliment, she thought her mother's words were coming to pass. She had no idea that the seed had long been planted in Norman, had been watered, nourished, and was now growing like the plant in
Little Shop of Horrors.

“What's that one scripture? Something about so a man thinketh . . . or lusting after another man's wife? It's basically a sin because it's already transpired in the mind.”

“Yeah, I know what you're talking about.” It was the same verse the New Day church mother, Mother Doreen, had shared with her when Paige had gone to her for advice about the lusting thoughts she was having about Norman as a married woman.

“My spirit felt so convicted having these feelings about you. My first instinct was to just distance myself from you, but you were going through so much. I couldn't abandon you either. I'd heard the cliché a million times, but for the first time in my life I truly knew what it felt like to be between a rock and a hard place.”

Paige just stood and listened as Norman bared his soul to her. No man had ever been so transparent to her before. Unlike women, men weren't emotional creatures who easily revealed their every intimate thought and sentiment like women did. This was like a gift, and Paige would sit there attentive while it unwrapped itself.

“I lied to you . . . by omission,” Norman confessed. “This was never just all about the baby. It was about me too. I . . . I . . .”

Paige was on the edge of her seat just waiting to hear what Norman's next words would be. If he just went on and said it first, it would be just that much easier for her to say to him the feelings she too had been suppressing. Maybe for not as long as he had been, but the feelings were there nonetheless, feelings that surpassed those of just a friendship. And it wasn't just an attraction. It wasn't just love. Paige knew what it was like to love someone. But this was different. This felt more like being in love. But no way and absolutely no how was she going to express those words first, only to be humiliated if they weren't reciprocated.

It felt good for her to know that Norman loved her, had been attracted to her, and had imagined being with her. But that didn't mean he was in love with her. She'd have to hear those words from the horse's mouth in order to bare her true feelings. And from the way this conversation was heading, it looked as though Mr. Ed wasn't the only horse that could talk.

“Go ahead, say it. You what?” Paige said, longing to hear those specific words from Norman so that the two of them could stop playing games and start keeping it real.

“Paige, I . . . ” Norman walked over to Paige and took her hands into his. He looked so deep into her eyes she felt he could already see the words written on her soul. “Paige Vanderdale, I'm in l—”

“Whaaaa! Whaaa!”

The tiny cry coming from the master bedroom interrupted Paige and Norman's moment of truth. As much as Paige wanted to ignore Adele's crying, she couldn't. Had it been a “my diaper is wet” or an “I'm hungry” cry, she probably would have, just to hear those words she wanted to hear from Norman. But as she raced out of the kitchen heading for the bedroom she knew this wasn't one of those normal cries. Something was wrong with her baby!

“Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus.” Paige stood in the hospital examination room pacing back and forth. “It's been almost an hour. Where is my baby? Where is my baby? What's wrong with her? She couldn't breathe. She couldn't . . .” Paige nearly lost her own breath she was in such a panic.

“Please, honey, calm down.” Norman blocked Paige's path and wrapped his arms around her. “Our baby is going to be just fine. The doctors are running tests. God is not going to let—”

“God, God, God!” Paige said sarcastically as she broke away from Norman. “The Almighty who knows all and sees all. Well guess what else God does? He keeps putting me through hell; that's what He does. First He lets me marry this creep, the creep turns out to be an abusive creep, the abusive creep rapes me. Needless to say I get pregnant as a result of the abusive creep raping me. I'm torn, up all night, racking my frickin' brain trying to figure out what to do about it to the point I decide on suicide or abortion. But instead of killing myself or murdering the baby I do the right thing and have it. And now what does God do? He takes the baby away from me anyhow! That's what He does. So I don't want to hear anything about no God right now!” With each sentence Paige's voice had grown louder and louder until she was finally yelling at the top of her lungs in tears.

“Paige, please.” Norman struggled to cocoon Paige again. She fought at first but then fell limp into his arms as she wept.

“Is everything all right in—” a nurse started.

“We're fine, ma'am. Thank you.” Norman nodded to the nurse that everything was okay and she slowly exited the room, closing the door behind her. The male candy striper who had stood behind her, probably for protection, hadn't gone unnoticed by Norman.

“Why?” Paige cried. “If God was going to take my baby from me anyway, why didn't He just let me do it? Why did He even put her in my womb in the first place?”

“Please don't try to understand God's ways, Paige, “Norman said, rubbing her back. “His ways are not our—”

“Uhhhhggg.” Paige pulled away from Norman yet again. “I don't want to hear that church, Bible, and scripture talk. When church ends, real life begins. This is real life.”

Norman's eyes tightened. “Did you just quote Jay-Z?”

Paige shrugged. “You know I like to listen to a little secular music every now and then.” Paige rolled her eyes. “But it's true. This is real life.”

“And God is real, Paige. Come on, you know this.”

Paige thought about it for a moment. Her shoulders slumped as if she was lightening up.

“You're just tensed right now. This is a tense situation. And I won't ask you to pray, recite scriptures for encouragement, or to even trust God. I'll do it for the both of us.”

Norman's sincerity, hope, faith, and love had just chipped right through the ice that was forming around Paige's heart.

“I'm sorry,” Paige apologized. “I didn't mean to get loud with you, embarrass you or whatever. It's just that so much is going through my mind right now. Not knowing is the worst. Your mind begins to make up things. Like what if Adele needs blood or an organ or something? What if I'm not a match? What if Blake is? Then I'll have to tell him about Adele and—”

“Stop it, Paige. Don't allow your mind to go there. Just wait on Go—”

Paige threw her hand up, halting Norman's words. He was a little stunned to have his wife's hand just an inch from his face. “I'm sorry . . . again,” Paige said.

“You don't have to apologize, Paige. Not to me anyway.” He allowed his eyes to dart upward. “But you might want to, you know, kind of repent to Him.”

Paige exhaled. “I think God knows I really didn't mean all those things. Well, I meant them, but He knows my heart. See, I kind of have this love-hate relationship thing with God. He's like the boyfriend, the love of my life, who I can't live with, but sure in the heck can't live without. One minute I love Him and the next minute, well . . . let's just say I don't always get Him. Trying to stay saved is no easy feat for me.”

“Well, maybe if you tried listening to J. Moss instead of Jay-Z, it might be just a tad easier.” Norman took his index finger and thumb and held them just an inch apart.

“Yeah, well, maybe.” The two shared a laugh, but all laughter came to an end when the doctor entered the room . . . without their daughter.

 

 

“It's not unusual for this to happen with infants sometimes,” Dr. Nicholas Wright, the emergency room doctor, told Paige and Norman as Paige sat in the examination room now cuddling Adele in her arms. The nurse had brought her in just a moment after the doctor had entered the room. Paige and Norman had seen Dr. Wright before at New Day. He would visit with another church member named Lorain.

“But, Doctor, she was blue. She couldn't breathe,” Paige said, going back into a panic from just the memory of walking into Adele's bedroom just a couple hours ago and finding Adele a deep shade of blue, screaming her lungs out.

“If they're crying, they're breathing, but I'm certain, as a result of the test we gave her, that at some point she had a little trouble catching her breath. Believe it or not, and I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes an infant might have a little trouble catching its breath or remembering how to breathe. I know to adults, who have been doing it for years, it sounds absurd. But breathing can sometimes take a minute to catch on to for newborns. For example, have you ever been snorkeling?” the doctor asked Paige.

Paige tilted her head and poked out her lips, giving the doctor a “really?” look.

“Oh, yeah.” The doctor turned his attention to Norman and redirected the question to him.

“Yes, my family and I used to go all the time when we'd go on family vacation,” Norman said.

“Well, do you remember what it was like trying to train yourself to just breathe through your mouth through the tube while under water and not utilize your nose?”

“Yes,” Norman chuckled, recalling the task. “It took me a minute to get the hang of it. My brain was so used to me breathing out of my nose on the regular, that having to utilize my mouth only was crazy. I have to admit, as a boy, it was scary at first. I felt like I was suffocating at one point. Even though my mouth was available to breathe through that snorkeling tube, I insisted on trying to use my nose and forgetting altogether that I could use my mouth.”

Paige just sat there looking crazy and dumbfounded. She couldn't relate under any terms. Noticing the look on her face, Norman said to her, “You have to have experienced it to get it.”

“Exactly,” the doctor said, pointing his pen at Norman. “You hit the nail on the head.”

Both men smiled at understanding the analogy the doctor had used. Paige was done with trying to figure it out. She was just glad her baby was okay. The drive to the hospital had been like her worst nightmare. She'd prayed over and over for God to make it so that her baby was okay.

“Please, God,” she had cried while sitting in the back seat of the car next to the baby in her car seat. “Let my baby be okay. I couldn't bear if something is wrong with her. I pray against asthma or any other infirmities that might require lifelong care. I declare that I have a happy, healthy baby girl. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.”

Norman had touched and agreed with her. Of course, that was all before Paige had turned and began to doubt and blame God for even having her in this predicament. And now, as Paige stood up in the examination room with baby Adele sleeping just fine in her arms, she was a believer like never before that prayer worked if you worked it. She might have been wishy-washy when it came to her relationship with God. But God was the same yesterday, today, and would be tomorrow.

“Whatever language that was that the two of you were just speaking,” Paige said to the men in the room, “I'm glad you understood one another.” She looked at the doctor. “I just need to know that my baby is fine and this isn't something I'm going to have to worry about. That I'm not going to have to sleep on pins and needles with one eye open and both ears sharp making sure my baby doesn't stop breathing during her sleep.”

“No, no, Mrs. Vanderdale,” the doctor assured her, placing the baby's medical file under his arm. “You have a wonderfully fine and perfect little girl.”

“Great.” Paige looked to Norman. “Now we can go home and get some sleep.” She began gathering her purse and the baby's diaper bag.

“Well, thank you, Doc.” Norman stood and shook the doctor's hand.

“Anytime. And with the paperwork the nurse is going to give you with your discharge papers, there is a pamphlet describing what I just discussed. There is also a twenty-four-hour nurse hotline.”

“Thank you.” Norman thanked Dr. Wright again and shook his hand. He opened the examination room door to let Paige and the baby through.

“Thank you for everything, Doc. Next time I hope to see you at church and not here at your place of employment,” Paige said, heading toward the door. She then turned and said, “But can I ask you a question?”

“Certainly,” Dr. Wright said. “Shoot.”

“How in the world do you know about snorkeling?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “In spite of popular opinion, some Black folk do enjoy snorkeling, water skiing, and swimming with the dolphins on occasion.” He then turned to Norman where the two high-fived and then exited the room.

 

 

“So how'd she do? What's she doing? Did she cry for me? When's the last time you changed her diaper? How many ounces did she eat? Oh my goodness. Did you remember to burp her after she ate?” Paige hadn't even set her purse and keys down when she entered the house and began bombarding Norman with questions. She still had the mail in her hand she'd gotten out the mailbox.

“She did fine. She's just sitting here in her pumpkin seat, as you can see. She only cried when she needed to be changed, which was just twenty minutes ago, after she ate about four ounces of milk and I successfully burped her.” Norman patted himself on the back. “But you know all of this already. I told you when you called me five minutes ago on your way home.” Norman put his index finger to his temple as if pondering. “Or maybe it was when you called ten minutes ago. No, it had to be the time you called fifteen minutes ago.” Norman snapped his finger. “No, it had to be when you called twenty minutes ago.”

Paige put her hands on her hips. “Mister, are you trying to insinuate that I called you every five minutes?”

“I'm not insinuating anything. You did call every five minutes, and I have the call log on my cell phone to prove it,” he said.

“Oh, hush.” Paige shooed her hand and laughed. “I can't help it that this was my first time away from my little muffin in six whole weeks and I couldn't stand it.” Paige made her way over to the baby and began cooing. “Ain't that right, Mommy's little smhoo? Did you miss your mommy? Huh, baby cakes?” Paige tickled the baby's chin.

“So what did the doctor say? Did you get a clean bill of health?”

“Yep. Clean bill of health. I'm good to resume all of my regular activities, which unfortunately means going back to work.”

“Ha! You couldn't even go to the doctor's for an hour. How are you going to make it eight hours at work?”

A drab look took over Paige's face. “Ugh. Oh, no. I haven't even thought about that.” Paige sat down looking as if she'd just lost her best friend, her eyes watering.

“Well, you have six more weeks of FMLA to think about it. You're twelve-week leave will be up then.”

“I'll lose my mind if I resume my work duties.”

Norman shrugged. “Then forget about work. Stay home and resume your wifely duties instead.”

Both Norman and Paige's eyes darted at one another and locked. Both of their minds traveled to the gutter and then back again.

“I mean your motherly duties,” Norman corrected himself.

“Yes, I know exactly what you meant.” Paige shot Norman a knowing look as her mind wandered back to that unfinished conversation they'd started in the kitchen three weeks ago. Paige felt, had hoped, Norman was about to confess being in love with her before Adele's hurling cries drew them from the kitchen to the bedroom. Paige had dropped subtle hints over the past few weeks in an attempt to lure Norman back to the conversation. All had failed. Yet here once again it seemed like opportunity was knocking. “You know these awkward little moments can be avoided if you just come out and say whatever it was you were about to say in the kitchen awhile ago.”

Norman looked confused.

“You know; the night we had to rush Adele to the hospital,” Paige reminded him, although she had a feeling he was playing coy and had known exactly what she was talking about all along.

“Oh, that night,” Norman recalled with a nod. He shifted a little on the couch as if trying to get comfortable. “Well, you know how . . .” he started. He was about to go into some long, drawn out pre-speech but felt he was tired of all the awkwardness as well. It was time to give the poor elephant in the room a break and stop making it jump through those stupid circus hoops. “Paige, plain and simply put, I'm in—”

“There you are.”

Both Norman and Paige looked up to see Miss Nettie coming out of the kitchen, drying her hands on a paper towel.

“Miss Nettie, I didn't know you were here.” Paige looked at Norman and spoke through closed teeth and tight lips. “Norman, why didn't you tell me Miss Nettie was here?”