More Than I Can Bear (7 page)

When Paige entered the kitchen she saw her mother setting the table. Back and forth her mother went as if Paige weren't even standing there right in front of her.

“Are you going to pretend that I'm not here?” Paige finally asked her mother.

“No, just waiting on you to say something. Unless you don't think you owe me an explanation.” Mrs. Robinson stood still with her hands on her hips. “What were you thinking running off and getting married before the ink on your divorce papers is even dry?” She let out a tsk, shook her head, and walked over to the stove, where she proceeded to take pots and pans of food over to the table.

Paige began to help and allow her mother to continue her rant. She owed her that much as to let her voice her discontent.

“Then you marry someone who your parents haven't even met. People hide things and people for a reason.” Her mother paused and her jaw dropped. “Oh my Lord. Was Blake's accusations more than accusations? Have you been having an affair with that man all this time?”

“Mother! How could you think such a thing? I thought you knew me better than that.”

“I did too, but today, with you showing up with this new husband of yours who, I repeat, I'd never been formally introduced to, is proof that I don't know you as well as I thought I did. I never imagined you'd do something so . . . so . . . stupid!”

“Mom, I had to. It was either that or . . .” Paige caught herself before she told her mother the complete truth.
One shocker at a time.

“Either that or what?”

“Please, Mom. Just trust me. Marrying Norman is not a mistake, but not marrying him could have led to one . . . one I might not have been able to live with. And no, you may have never formally been introduced to him, but it's not like you've never heard me talk about him before. You know what a good friend he's been to me.”

“Oh, obviously he's been more than just a good friend.” Her mother rolled her eyes and began putting condiments on the table.

“Mother, please, we haven't even . . .” Once again Paige caught herself before giving too much information. Her mother didn't need to know that she and her husband had never had sex before . . . at least not with each other.

“I know what it is. That boy knows how much money you've got coming to you in that divorce settlement. He ain't stupid. He's looking to cash in. He's probably never seen that much money in his life and never will. He's got him a sugar mama.”

Paige chuckled. “Oh, Mother, you couldn't be more wrong.”

“Do you think this is funny?” Mrs. Robinson slammed down a potholder she'd been using to transport some of the dishes of food.

Paige stood at attention, her mother's sharp gesture knocking the grin right off of her face. “No, Mother, I'm sorry. It's just that . . .” Paige didn't really know what to say next. How could she explain the full details behind her reasoning for marrying Norman without dumping the entire boatload of the situation on her? One dose at a time or her mother could possibly disown her for life. Paige threw her hands up. “What's the big deal? Why are you so angry? It's my life. It's not hurting you any whether I'm married or not.”

“But it is,” her mother snapped. Her eyes filled with water and her bottom lip began to tremble.

“Mom.” Paige hurried over to her mother and put her arms around her. “Mom, you're crying.” That was a rare sight for Paige. Her mother had this hard exterior shell, always taking care of business and never letting 'em see her sweat . . . or cry. “What is it, Mom?”

“When you hurt, I hurt,” Mrs. Robinson explained. “And I just don't want to see you hurt anymore. Blake scarred you. You haven't even let the wounds heal. You've just got them all exposed for the next man to go picking at the scabs, causing even more pain.”

“Mom, it's not like that. Trust me.”

“Sure it is. You just want somebody to love you. To make you happy. To make you feel happy, loved, and wanted. I get that. I'm sure that Norman is a nice guy, but even nice guys can change when they're dealing with someone who's still hurting. Who's still bleeding. Who's still wounded. It's okay to be alone. Date yourself for a while. Get to know who you are and who you want to be. Because if you just go from one man to the next, you'll find yourself always being who someone else wants you to be. You'll die maybe never knowing who you really were. Who you could have been.” Mrs. Robinson released herself from Paige and turned away quickly.

Paige gave her a moment. “Mom, you sound like you're speaking from experience.”

She wiped her tears away and shrugged. “Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not.” She turned and faced Paige. “All I know is that if I am, hypothetically, if I am speaking from experience”—she began shaking her head as tears welled up again—“I wouldn't want no daughter of mine being me.”

From behind, Paige wrapped her arms around her mother. She kissed her on the back of her head. “Mom, trust me, believe me, and I promise you when I say I'm not you . . . I'm not that girl. I'll never be her. I've fought too hard for finally loving myself—loving who I know I am—for me to ever allow anyone to not allow me to be me. It will never happen.”

A tearful Mrs. Robinson nodded her belief in her daughter's words. “I hear you. And I believe you.” She turned and faced Paige. “And now that we've got that out of the way . . .” She grabbed a dish towel, twisted it up, and whacked Paige a stinging good one on her behind. “That's for not inviting me to the wedding!”

Paige grabbed her rear end. Once she got over the initial pain, she and her mother laughed it up before inviting the men in to join them to eat.

The women had no idea what the men had talked about and the men had no idea what the women had talked about. But considering everyone used their knives to cut their French toast and Polish sausage and not each other, it was a good sign that all was well.

After eating, the four conversed for another half hour before Paige and Norman said their farewells.

“Well, we got through telling our parents about the marriage.” Paige exhaled loudly as she and Norman sat in the car about to pull out of her parents' driveway.

“Yeah,” Norman said, exhaling just as loudly. “Next mission: operation telling our parents you're pregnant.”

“Ah, not so fast.” Paige wagged a finger between the two of them. “We still have that one small task that we need to decide.”

“Oh yeah.” Norman was reminded. “Do we or do we not tell them that I'm not the father?”

“You're the only one we felt we could trust with the whole truth.”

Pastor Margie, the pastor of New Day Temple of Faith, the church to which both Paige and Norman belonged, sat speechless. She was more than caught off-guard when reading the paper and learning that Norman and Paige had secured a marriage license and had actually gotten married. For three days, since reading the announcement, she'd had to reprimand her flesh each time it picked up the phone to call Paige. Pastor or not, she was human. Her human side wanted the scoop, the dish, and the 411. Her spirit man knew better than to pry and go fishing. As the shepherd of the lambs, if she was doing her job right as a trusting and faithful leader, she knew God would send them her way; she wouldn't have to go to them. But then again, even if she was doing her job right, that didn't always mean the folks would be obedient and seek counsel from whom God drops in their spirit to seek it. She'd been in ministry long enough to know that people not always sought out God, let alone His chosen vessels.

Nonetheless, in spite of the fact that Pastor Margie's flesh had been dying to call Paige, instead, for the past three days she waited . . . and prayed. She'd felt in her spirit that there was more to this marriage than just a young couple in love. Today, all had been revealed. Paige and Norman had spent the last half hour telling their pastor the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but.

Paige and Norman sat in chairs side by side, waiting in anticipation for their pastor's response to what they'd just shared with her. They not only shared with her their secret, spur-of-the-moment marriage, but the entire reasoning for them deciding to get married in the first place—the pregnancy and all.

After a few seconds, Pastor Margie stood from her desk and walked over to her huge picture window, from ceiling to floor, in her office. She used her index and thumb to move a couple of the vertical blind panels out of her way. She stared out for a while and then finally turned to her congregants and spoke.

“I think I might already know the answer to this, but here it goes anyway.” Pastor Margie walked over to her desk and sat back down. “Did God instruct you two to get married? Was this the answer He provided when you went to Him in prayer about the situation?”

One would have thought that both Norman and Paige had seen a ghost. One looked to the other for an answer to give their pastor. All either of them could give her was what they'd agreed they were coming there to give her in the first place: the truth.

“Pastor, I honestly don't think either of us sought the Lord on this one,” Paige admitted.

“The idea just popped in my head,” Norman interjected. “I'd like to think it was the Holy Spirit planting something within me, but I don't think it was. I think it was that whole voice thing that man talks about in that one book,
Untethered Soul.
”

“But then again,” Paige added, “maybe it was the Holy Spirit, because I know whenever God agrees or prompts a decision, there is nothing but peace in it. And, Pastor, I think I can speak for the both of us when I say there was nothing but peace about my decision to marry Norman. I mean, sure, at first I thought Norman was joking when he suggested such a thing. When I realized he wasn't joking, that he was wholeheartedly serious about sacrificing the single life he could be off having in order for mine and my baby's . . . Not trying to be funny, but my baby leaped. My spirit leaped.” Paige's eyes leaked tears.

Norman grabbed his wife's hand and held it in his. They each looked at each other, smiled, and nodded in agreement that they had both stood by their decision to marry.

“I know you two have been friends for quite some time,” Pastor said. “I know you two truly care and love one another. But what you have committed to under God requires more than care and love.”

“But God is love, Pastor,” Paige interjected. “That's what you've always taught and that's what the Bible teaches. So if we have love in our marriage, then we have God. And with God for us, who can be against us?”

“I hear what you're saying, spiritual daughter. And what you are saying is true beyond a doubt. But God being in the midst of something is all the more reason for the devil to get ticked off and try to get you to forget about God altogether. And you know what comes about from doing things without God.”

“Nothing good,” both Paige and Norman said in unison. That was one of their pastor's regular sayings.

“With that being said, what's done is done,” Pastor Margie said. “I'm not going to tell you what you did is wrong and try to talk you into running down to the courthouse to get an annulment. I'm not even going to tell you whether I agree or disagree. Absolutely none of that matters now. It's like when people ask me what I think about abortion or homosexuality. It's not about what I think. It's about what God says. I will never tell a person what I think, but I will tell them what God says. Now what they do with that information is between them and God.”

“That's good, Pastor, because we didn't come here to get your opinion on it,” Paige said. “Like you said, what's done is done. And like I said, we have peace with our choice and are not considering undoing it.” She looked to Norman. “Right, Norman?”

“Definitely,” he agreed, squeezing Paige's hand even tighter for confirmation.

“Fine,” Pastor Margie said. “Then might I ask why you wanted to meet with me today?”

“Well, because now that we've gotten past the whole letting our families know we are married, we know we need to tell them about my being pregnant. Our issue is whether we wait to tell them that the baby isn't Norman's, do we just tell them everything at once, or if we just leave out the fact that Norman isn't the baby's biological father altogether and just live as one big, happy family forever.”

“You mean you just live a lie forever,” Pastor Margie corrected.

Paige swallowed at her pastor's bluntness. “A lie by omission, sure,” Paige agreed. “But people adopt children all of the time and never tell them they are adopted. Wouldn't that be considered living a lie . . . by omission?”

“Sure, it could be.” Pastor Margie shrugged. “It's clear that you think it is. And again, that's okay. You are entitled to feel how you want about a situation. But prior to you being in the situation you are in, would you have felt that way?”

“Ye . . . Well . . .” Paige had to pause and think about it.

“Sometimes man has a tendency to look at someone else's situation in order to find some type of justification or validation with his own,” Pastor Margie said.

“I suppose I might be guilty of that, Pastor. But at the end of the day, I just want to do what's right for the baby,” Paige said.

“Oh, I see, and do you mind telling me at what point this became about the baby . . . and not you?”

Sticking with the truth Paige said, “Now. At first, it was all about me—what my situation would look like to other people, heck, what it would look and feel like to me. I'll tell the truth and shame the devil; I was never really torn about getting an abortion if it meant getting the desired outcome that I wanted.”

“Which was?” Pastor Margie asked.

“Which was me not having to deal with the fact that I was pregnant with my ex-husband's baby, which was a result of an act of nonconsensual sex between us. I felt dirty just thinking about it.”

“And how do you feel now?”

“Truthfully?”

“That's the theme of today's meeting, right?”

Paige took a deep breath. “I've convinced myself that the child I'm carrying is my husband's.” She looked at Norman, let a smile appear on her lips momentarily and then turned back to her pastor. “I've envisioned this whole life we're going to live, and it doesn't include Blake. It doesn't include that monster.”

“So again, it sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind. The only way it seems like you're going to be able to mother this child is in the make-believe world you've already created in your mind.”

Paige had never looked at it that way before now. “I guess you're right.”

“Then, Paige honey, it still ain't about that baby,” Pastor Margie didn't bite her tongue to say. “As cold as this may sound, I know you came here with every intention of us operating in the truth. I will pray for you both, and that precious seed. But I won't invest time in providing guidance to live a lie or fix a lie, as the only way to repair that is with the truth. But you, my friend, have to be willing to operate in the full truth, regardless of the consequences. The truth is that is not Norman's baby. The truth is Blake is the father of that child. Whether it was conceived during consensual sex or not, Blake is the father. Either way it goes, whether you decide to face the truth or hide it, there will be consequences. But believe me, as scared as you may be of the consequences of the truth, it don't hold a candle to the consequences of a lie. Because guess what? When you lie, not only will you have to deal with the consequences of the lie, all the stress and worry of hiding the lie, but then when and if the lie is uncovered you still have to end up dealing with the truth anyway. So I always ask folks, ‘Why not just go ahead and deal with the consequences of the truth in the first place and just get it over with?'” Pastor Margie raised her hands in the air and then let them drop as if it was a no-brainer.

Pastor Margie's last comment put a fear over both Norman and Paige. If they'd never experienced the fear of the Lord before, they had now. Sure God would forgive them for any sins and lies they committed, but Pastor Margie had just reminded them that consequences of their sins and lies would still be theirs to face and deal with. What would those consequences be? Jesus was the truth and the truth had made them free. Freedom was priceless, therefore they wanted to maintain that freedom and they wanted the baby Paige was carrying to inherit it as well. So before leaving that office, they thanked Pastor Margie, prayed with Pastor Margie, and then left, knowing exactly what their next move had to be . . . at least when it came to their parents.