More Than I Can Bear (13 page)

“Where is he? Where's my husband?” Paige shouted as soon as she made it through the emergency room doors, struggling to carry baby Adele in her bucket seat. Her words were directed at no one in particular. Heck, if the janitor could direct her to her husband, she'd be fine with that. “Norman Vanderdale. Where is he?” This time she was at the patient registration counter, leaned over practically nose to nose with the receptionist.

The receptionist stood and backed away slightly, not sure of Paige's intentions. In the past, an eager and anxious loved one or two had allowed their fear and emotions to cause them to leap over that desk and demand answers. “Just a moment, ma'am. The patient's name again?” She placed her fingers on the computer keyboard, prepared to punch in whatever name Paige recited to her.

“It's Norman Vanderdale.” Paige spelled his last name as the receptionist typed. “I'm his wife. I was called by someone, I don't know, a doctor, nurse. All I can remember them saying is that my husband was in a car accident and was transported here.” Paige placed the bucket seat on the ground then put each index finger on her temples and closed her eyes. She was trying to remember any other pertinent information the caller tried to give her before she'd hung up in their ear. Just hearing that her man was in an accident so bad that he wasn't able to call her himself had put her in panic mode.

It seemed like just yesterday when Paige had been in a car accident of her own. She and Blake had gotten into it and she left the house. No one but her and God knew that before her car accident she'd been on her way to Norman's house, possibly to commit adultery. Even though her car had been totaled, she survived the accident. She prayed the same outcome for her husband.

The receptionist punched the keyboard a few more times and then it looked as if all the blood had drained from her face. This did not go unnoticed by Paige.

“What? What is it?” Paige asked. “It's bad, isn't it? It's not just some fender bender, is it?” Paige threw her hands on her forehead. “Oh, God! No. Norman!”

“Look, Mrs. Vanderdale,” the receptionist said, “come with me.” She came from around the desk and led Paige into a smaller waiting room. “Just wait right here and the doctor will be in shortly to talk with you.”

Paige nodded. She didn't want to waste any more words on the receptionist. She needed to save them for the doctor so that she could ask all the questions she could about how she'd need to take care of her husband. When Paige had been in her car accident, she'd had Blake there by her side to help her heal and nurse her back to good health. She'd pay it forward and be there for Norman as long as he needed her. She began to think the worst. Even if he was wheelchair bound for the rest of his life, she'd be his chauffeur, pushing him to and from his desired destinations. She didn't care if he wanted her to push him up a mountain. She'd do it.

Paige set sleeping Adele's bucket seat on the floor. She herself paced the floor for a couple of minutes and then sat down. She sat down for a couple of minutes and then she stood up and paced again. Up, down, up, and down. Finally the door opened. Paige turned with very little patience to begin badgering the doctor with questions.

“Paige!”

Only it wasn't the doctor who had entered the room. It was Norman's parents.

Paige was glad there was now someone else there to comfort her, but the disappointment that it wasn't the doctor with answers broke her down. Tears began to pour from her eyes like the BP oil spill. The running fluid was just unstoppable.

“Paige, darling, where's Norman? Where's my baby?” Mrs. Vanderdale fell into Paige's arms as the two women embraced and hugged like best friends. Paige was grateful she and her mother-in-law had made amends prior to this incident. Right now they needed each other more than ever. At least, Paige needed the comfort of her mother-in-law this moment.

Mr. Vanderdale walked over and began to pat each woman's back. He then went and rubbed Adele's arm and smiled at the sleeping child.

“I don't know,” Paige cried to her mother-in-law. “I've been waiting in here forever for the doctor to come tell me something. All I know is that he was in a car accident. That's what the person who called and told me said.”

“Yes, the police called us too,” Mr. Vanderdale said.

“They had Norman's cell phone. We were in his favorites speed dial or something.”

“I didn't even get that much information,” Paige told them. “I hung up the phone and hightailed it over here.”

“This is bad. This is bad.” Mrs. Vanderdale turned and buried her face into her husband's chest. “Honey, I know this is bad. I just feel it.”

“Please don't put that into the atmosphere, Mrs. Vanderdale,” Paige asked. “I've been in here pacing and worrying and just got to the point of praying. I'm praying for the best, so please don't think the worst.”

Mrs. Vanderdale stared at Paige for a few seconds before she finally opened her mouth and said, “Paige, I've never done it in my life nor have I asked anyone else to do it for me, but . . . can we pray . . . together?”

Paige simply nodded as tears fell from her eyes. “Yes, Mrs. Vanderdale. We can pray.” Paige had held out her hands. Mrs. Vanderdale grabbed both of Paige's hands. “Mr. Vanderdale, would you like to join us?” Paige asked.

Mr. Vanderdale pulled the two women in close and they all formed a prayer circle.

Paige began to pray as if she were praying down the walls of Jericho. As if on cue, upon the closing of the prayer with the three sealing it in Jesus' name and with an Amen, the waiting room door opened.

Paige felt a sense of relief once she saw the doctor enter the room. Now she would find out everything she needed to know on how to take care of her husband. Once she saw a police officer enter behind the doctor, her nerves began to do a jig up her spine. She knew the officer was just probably there to give them a report on the actual accident, but there was this solemn look on his face that gave Paige pause. When the officer removed his hat, a sudden dread filled the room. Both Paige and Mrs. Vanderdale instantaneously held each other. But once they saw the hospital chaplain enter behind the officer, no one was there to catch either woman when they hit the floor.

 

 

When Paige came to she found herself lying in a hospital bed. It took her a minute to gather her senses, but then, recalling what had transpired prior to her blacking out, she darted straight up in that bed. “Norman!” she yelled. She looked around the room.

“Sister Paige, calm down.” Pastor Margie walked over to Paige and rested her arm on her shoulder.

“Adele?” Paige frantically looked around the room, hoping to see the pumpkin seat containing her child. She didn't see it. Her entire world felt like it was caving in on her. The two people who had become her whole life were nowhere to be found.

“Paige, baby girl.”

Paige noticed her father for the first time when he spoke. Her mother's arm was looped through her father's arm as they slowly made the walk from the little couch they'd been sitting on over to Paige's bed.

“Norman's sister has the baby,” Mrs. Robinson told Paige. She didn't reply to Paige's first query about Norman. She was thinking that maybe she hadn't been asking for Norman or where Norman was. With the tears that spilled from her daughter's eyes, she knew deep inside she knew the fate of her husband.

“Norman,” Paige said again. “Norman, oh my God, Norman.” She looked up at her mother. “Mommy,” was all she had to say for Mrs. Robinson to release her husband and go throw her arms around her daughter.

Pastor Margie immediately lifted her hands in Paige's direction. “Saints, help me pray,” Pastor Margie said to the two church members, women she referred to as prayer warriors, who had come along to the hospital with her.

“It's okay, baby. It's okay,” Mrs. Robinson said as she rocked Paige. “You're going to be okay, both you and Adele. Everything is going to be okay.”

“No, it's not. I don't have a husband anymore, Mommy. I don't have a friend. My friend. He was my best friend. God keeps taking away my best friends.” Paige squeezed her mother so tight she almost squeezed the air out of her. That's when Mr. Robinson intervened.

“Baby girl. It's all right. We're all here for you.” Mr. Robinson had nodded to his wife and gave her a look excusing her from comforting Paige so that he could take over. Mrs. Robinson moved away while her husband sat down beside Paige on her bed. “Now, now, sweetie, we're all here for you.” He nodded toward Pastor Margie and the two praying women. “You have your church family. You have your family: your mother and me . . . your beautiful daughter. And you have Norman's family, who are out there.” He nodded to the door.

Paige shut off the waterworks as if she had a knob to do so. She looked her father dead in the eyes and said, “But where is God?”

“Paige!” Mrs. Vanderdale ran and threw her arms around Paige as soon as Paige reentered the waiting room where she'd received the news about Norman's death. “You okay, sweetheart? You passed out. You scared us.” She used her hand to brush Paige's hair back. “You okay?”

“Yes, I'm okay,” Paige lied. She was a wreck, but she had to keep it together for the sake of . . . She heard a small cooing noise and saw Adele in Samantha's arms. “Adele!” Paige went over and took her daughter from Samantha's arms, pressed her against her chest, and held her tight. She twisted her upper body from left to right while kissing the baby's forehead. Paige knew she had to stay strong for Adele. Babies could sense things. “What do I tell her about all this? What do I tell her about the man who signed her birth certificate? What do I tell her about the man whose last name she carries? Huh? How do I fix this mess now? I was in a hole and yet I kept digging dirt. Now look at me,” Paige cried.

“No, Paige. Please. Do not beat yourself up,” Samantha stood from the couch she'd been sitting on with the baby and said. “You and my brother did what you thought you needed to do for this baby. My brother signed that birth certificate because as far as he was concerned, Adele was his baby. He was her father. That was not a lie. He married a woman he was in love with. That woman, you”—Samantha pointed at Paige—“had a beautiful baby girl while she was his wife. That's my brother's baby. That's my niece,” Samantha declared, “and nothing is going to change that.”

Paige stared at Samantha, the bleached blonde who was a little rough around the edges but had a flair about her. She was a cross between Paris Hilton and Jodie Foster. “What did you say?” Paige was fixated on Samantha's mouth as she awaited her response. It was like she wanted to be able to see the words come out.

“I said my brother is that little girl's—”

“No, not that. You said something about Norman being in love with me. How do you know? How do you know that? Did he tell you? Did he say those exact same words? That he was in love with me?” The more Paige spoke, the more intense she became. And with every line she spoke, she got closer and closer to Samantha. “When? When did he say that to you? Tell me! Tell me!” By now Paige had let one hand loose from the baby and was shaking Samantha's shoulder. Paige knew for certain she'd been in love with Norman, but—and as selfish as it might sound—she needed to know that Norman had been in love with her too. She needed just that one thing to be able to help her get through her loss. “Tell me. How do you know, Samantha? How do you know he was in love with me? Is that what he said?”

“Paige, stop it!” her parents ordered her in unison. Mr. and Mrs. Robinson had followed Paige back into the waiting room after they bid Pastor Margie and the church members farewell.

“How do you know your brother was in love with me?” Paige continued, even as her mother slid the baby from her arms.

“Samantha, tell her,” Mrs. Vanderdale shouted, hoping that by doing so, it would calm Paige down.

“The officer! The police officer!” Samantha yelled as she tried to peel now both Paige's hands from her shoulder.

As if Samantha had summoned him, the police officer that had followed the doctor into the room earlier reappeared. “Is everything okay in here? The nurse told me I could now speak to the deceased's wife.”

Just hearing the officer's last words, Paige yelled out like a wounded animal and squatted down to the floor. “Nooooooooooo!” That word, deceased. It sealed everything. It made it real. Paige was a widow and the honeymoon had just begun. “Noooooo!”

“Oh, God, help us,” Mrs. Robinson lifted her hands in the air and said, then threw herself into her husband's chest.

Mr. Robinson, with the help of the officer, got Paige over to the couch while Mrs. Robinson tried to calm down Adele, whose mother's scream had scared her into a crying fit.

“Paige, just calm down, please,” Mr. Robinson pleaded with his daughter. “Let the officer talk to you, honey, please.”

Paige eventually managed to calm herself down and look at the officer, giving him the hint it was okay to proceed with his questioning.

“Mrs. Paige Vanderdale,” the officer started, “like I told everyone else, I'm so sorry about your loss. Your husband's car veered off the road into a pole. It was a one-car accident. Passerbys phoned in the accident. When medics arrived at the scene, your husband was pronounced dead. From what the doctors said, it was more than likely an instant death upon impact. He was driving about fifty miles . . .”

Paige was trying her best to stay focused. The officer's words were going in and out. The feeling was just so surreal. She couldn't believe it was happening. She couldn't believe she was sitting there listening to the details of her thirty-year-old husband's death. Too young to die.

“We checked his alcohol level,” the officer said, “and—”

“Norman doesn't drink,” Paige interrupted.

“Yes, I know. Your in-laws shared that with me,” the officer told Paige. “Medically it doesn't seem like anything might have triggered him to lose consciousness or anything. If a full autopsy is performed, the doctors can learn more, but . . .” The officer's voice seemed to lower a notch. This caught Paige's undivided attention.

“But what?” Paige said.

“We did find this.” He pulled out a plastic Ziploc baggie that had a cell phone in it.

“That's Norman's phone.” Paige got excited. It wasn't Norman, but it was a possession of Norman's. That's all Paige would have left of him anymore: possessions and memories.

“Yes, it is,” the officer confirmed. “When we found it there was a recently typed text. He hadn't had a chance to send it yet, but more than likely he was responding to a text that had just been sent to him. And according to the time the text was sent and the time the nine-one-one calls started coming in, we believe that texting while driving was the cause of the accident.”

“No! Can't be possible,” Paige said. “Norman never texted and drove. In all my times of riding with him, I never once saw him text and drive.”

The police officer wasn't going to argue with Paige in her emotional state. She'd just suffered a major loss. Instead, he held out the bag to her. He hit a button and the screen lit up. Paige looked down to see the text Norman had typed but had not yet sent. Her name appeared in the “to” box.

 

I'm in love with you t

 

Paige couldn't believe she was sitting in the front pew of New Day Temple of Faith staring at her husband lying dead in a casket. Little Adele lay asleep in her arms. Every now and then her tiny mouth would form into a smile, then a frown, and then a smile again. Paige imagined she was seeing an angel, perhaps Norman. And just maybe every time Norman tried to go away Adele would get upset, and, to appease her, he'd return. Would that be how Paige's own dreams would play out from now on?

Weeping sounds began to flow from Paige's throat as her body began to heave.

“Let me take the baby,” Samantha insisted as she wiped tears of her own and then took Adele from Paige's arms. She kissed her niece right beside her lips, causing the little infant's smile to spread wide. Samantha, too, took it as a sign that her brother had made it to heaven and was now an angel watching over his baby girl. He was now an angel in heaven looking out for the little girl he'd vowed to sacrifice his life for, in not just words, but in action and deed.

Paige sat there numb as people viewed Norman's body in the casket and then came over to her and Norman's family to give their condolences. All Paige could do was nod and accept their hugs and kisses to the cheek. She couldn't even speak. God only knows what would have come out had she been able to speak. She was so angry that every time things looked as though they were falling into place, the devil would come over and flip the puzzle over, destroying the almost perfectly put together picture. She was tired of it. She was sick and tired. She was sick and tired and outright mad!

Where was God during all this craziness? Come to think of it, perhaps it was because of God she was even dealing with all this craziness. Her life seemed less traumatic before she got saved. The devil wasn't messing with her at all because he already had her. There was no threat. It's kind of like that deranged ex: they deal with the breakup until they find out there is somebody else in your life and then they absolutely lose it, trying to do any-and everything to win you back. Paige was seriously contemplating getting back with the ex if it meant he'd lay off.

“I'm so sorry about your loss. May God bless you.”

“Norman was such a good man.”

“God is going to pull you through. He's a comforter.”

After about a couple dozen more sentiments somewhere along those lines, the funeral service started. Paige's body was present, but not her mind. Afterward, she couldn't even remember what song the choir sang, or what the five people who wanted to speak final words about Norman said. Had the obituary been read out loud or had the guests been asked to read it silently on their own? Did Pastor Margie get many Amens when she gave the eulogy? Paige was oblivious to all of this. She'd just sat there as if she was watching somebody else's life and not living her own.

“Come on, Paige honey.”

When Paige looked up and saw her father extending his hand to her in order to help her up off the pew, she figured the service must be over. That was confirmed when Paige looked up and saw that the casket was long gone. When had they closed it? When had they wheeled it out? Paige watched as several people volunteered to remove the flower arrangements from the sanctuary and carry them outside to be transported to the burial site.

Mr. Robinson helped his daughter up and escorted her out to one of two limos, the one that was assigned to take them to the cemetery for the burial. This was too much for Paige. She thought she was going to pass out like she'd done back at the hospital. If she could, she would have ordered the driver to just take her home so she could crawl into the bed and bury her head under the pillow. The rest of the world could go on and do whatever they wanted if they so chose, but that wasn't her choice. But then she'd remember there was Adele. She had a daughter she had to be strong for, who she had to live for. So throwing in the towel wasn't an option. She'd have to bear with the remainder of the day's events at least.

Once they arrived at the cemetery, everyone gathered around the casket that appeared to be levitating over a hole six feet deep. Pastor Margie spoke a few more words before the service was concluded and people were invited back to the Vanderdale home for the repast.

“How you holding up?” Mrs. Robinson asked as they rode silently in the limo. Mr. and Mrs. Vanderdale rode cuddled up with one another. Samantha sat next to Adele, who was in her car seat, while Paige sat sandwiched in between her parents.

Paige couldn't even respond to her mother. All she could do was just shake her head. She was weak and in a daze. She could barely hold her head up the same way she could barely hold her daughter earlier during the funeral. She could barely walk without the support of others. She was in total disbelief that this was her life. She was in total disbelief that she'd waited what seemed like forever for her and Norman to finally be headed down the same road together, sharing the same sentiments toward one another, which was absolutely true love that had been a long time coming. It was right there up under her nose like a steak to a hungry bum on the street who hadn't eaten in days. The bum had the decency to close his eyes and say a prayer, blessing and thanking God for the steak, then when he opened his eyes, the steak was gone. That was the thanks the bum got for blessing and thanking God? That described to a tee how Paige was feeling.

Every time she decided that God might be this okay dude after all, He'd show His true self or He'd not show up at all. She was tired of the relationship and just as soon as she was able to get some clarity, she would have to reevaluate whether she wanted to continue the relationship at all. The on-again/off-again thing was about to send her to the looney bin.

“I know it must be hard,” Mrs. Robinson said when Paige didn't reply to her initial inquiry. She could tell how her daughter was doing just by looking at her: not well at all. She tried to find some comforting words. “Even though you and Norman hadn't even been married for a year, you two had been friends for years. Good friends. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows how hard this must be for you. But you will make it. You have a whole team of supporters here for you.”

Once again, all Paige could ask herself was where was the captain of this so-called team? Where was God? Everybody else always seemed to be around, but where was God? Especially when all this bad stuff happened in her life.
Why can't He be there to stop it all? To just stop it? All the pain? All the hurt? Yet He just keeps sitting idly by watching it pile on and on like a pyramid. A pyramid that is about to crumble any day.

Paige rode in silence all the way to her in-laws' house, where tons of cars were already parked upon the limo's arrival. The limo driver parked at the front door and then walked around to let them out of the car. Miss Nettie stood at the door, holding it wide open for all to enter. She'd attended the funeral but passed on the burial in order to get home and make sure everything was in order and to greet the guests.

“Thank you, Nettie,” Mr. Vanderdale said, the first one to enter the house.

Miss Nettie nodded at everyone but spoke to Paige. “How you holding up, dear?”