Moon Chilled (12 page)

"Gavin will come around. He doesn't much like strangers," Maiki said before I could say anything to him.

I nodded, quickly realizing this. I'd make an effort, for Maiki, but my feelings about him were flat. I didn't particularly like children, and this one was fathered by someone I had considered to be made of pure evil from the first time he'd touched me. But, I forced myself to remember, this Gavin was Maiki's son as well, just as I was my father's daughter more than I would ever claim to be Diane's. Sweet Maiki may have been able to temper his father's personality with her own. It was a long shot, I was sure, but it was something I had to believe. I didn't like that my thoughts lead me to thinking that such a tiny child would be evil in any way and attempted to dismiss the thought from my mind completely. I would not judge him on his father's actions and hoped that he was young enough to be taught better.

I stepped around him and stretched my arms over my head, working out the uncomfortable knots in my spine. "We'll sleep in one of the abandoned homes for tonight," I told Maiki.

"What will you do with the pack?" Maiki asked me as she took Gavin's hand and started to follow me back to the homes.

I shrugged. I wasn't really sure what I was doing with the rest of them. I'd never expected this, never wanted a pack of my own. And so I'd never put that much thought into it. "I suppose," I quietly began, "that I'll be expected to rebuild it." My heart wasn't in it, though. With all of my memories here, I didn't want to be anywhere near this place. I wished that I could take Maiki and Gavin and leave this place. It would be so much simpler, it would mean so much less pain than standing in the middle of a tiny town that I'd spent three horrible years of my life in. As a child I'd hated nearly every minute that I'd been stuck here. Now, as a woman, I couldn't believe I was considering staying.

I went to the nearest empty house and pushed in the front door. It was a small cabin, larger than my hunting cabin but only possibly a third of the size of the farmhouse. I'd been glad to see it burn. Aside from seeing a tornado tear through it, a fire was the second best possibility. I'd wanted to see it burn for years, and while there had been joy in seeing it reduced to a smoldering pile of ashes, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I'd wanted it to be. There were still too many wounds, too much pain, to simply let it all go.

"What are you thinking about?" Maiki said as she released Gavin's hand long enough to go clean up the haphazardly left kitchen.

I didn't have a good answer. "Too many thoughts," I said honestly. I closed the door behind myself and tossed the nearest framed picture, one of a man and his family, into the trash near where Maiki was working.

"Why'd you do that?" Maiki asked her after she'd jumped in shock.

"They left with her, which means that I do not want their reminders around me. Too much was left to happen here, too much pain," I told her. There was no one else in the house, but I could see and feel the reminders of the family all around us.

Maiki nodded and knelt in front of Gavin. "Go find a room for yourself. Be careful, though," she told him. I watched him go, his short legs helping to carry him through the small house. He couldn't get far, and I found myself wondering at the protective warmth that flowed through me as I listened to him moving throughout the different rooms.

"I know this isn't what you expected when you came here," Maiki said in her barely-there voice as she took my hand. I squeezed her fingers briefly between mine. I hadn't known what to expect, or really what she might be referring to, and my mind was a jumble of thoughts anyway. But I could see what she meant. She looked apologetic, like a child I'd seen stealing candy from a grocery store once after getting caught by his mother. I'd watched, curious and a bit hesitant as well, as the child was scolded. He cried, but the blows I'd expected from the mother never came. I'd learned then that some parents didn't treat their children as the woman that had given birth to me had. It was a relief to know my circumstances were likely an anomaly.

I brought Miaki to the only couch in the living room, a strange, dilapidated plaid thing that was hardly comfortable but would suit my needs just fine as I pulled her to sit down beside me. But as soon as I was seated, she went to the floor at my feet. "What are you doing?" I asked her as I stared at the top of her head. She wasn't looking at me anymore, and that bothered me more than the submissive place she'd taken beside my legs.

"I'm not allowed, it's not right, I'm not—"

Silently I reached down, hooked my hand under her arm, and lifted her up to her feet. She got back onto the couch but didn't look at all at ease about it. I realized I had quite a bit of work to do if she was going to understand what I wanted from her now. "You aren't my submissive," I said gently, hoping that the words sunk in.

"Yes, I am," Maiki instantly argued with me.

I sighed, exhausted from the day and already tired of this little dance. I'd been alone too long, I figured. Too many years without a pack and now I had no use for the structure of one. "Not to me you're not," I tried again. She didn't look convinced, and I struggled with a way to make my Maiki, the one that I remembered from my childhood, understand that she was far more than the beaten woman I saw in front of me. But after a few minutes of silence, I didn't know how; I turned to face her on the couch and brought my knee up so that I could rest my chin on it while the other came under me. "I don't want a pack," I said again, wondering what I was supposed to do with them all.

Maiki nodded and put some of her blonde hair behind her ear. It was short and ragged in a way I didn't remember it being. "I'm sor—"

I growled before I realized what I was doing, and she instantly shut up, her face pinching as she turned away from me, hiding herself from my gaze. I closed my eyes and wondered what my purpose here was. I wanted Maiki and Gavin to come with me. I wanted to leave these people here to fend for themselves. They could elect a new alpha or perish in the harsh Colorado winter that I could smell coming. I really didn't care either way as long as my Maiki was safe.

"You have a duty to these people," she finally said.

I quickly shook my head. I didn't, not at all. "I have one to you, to my mate. And I failed you once already. Beyond you and Gavin, I have nothing for these people." I was adamant on that point. I didn't know these people and didn't want to start.

Her chin tilted toward me slightly. "Is that what you think happened? That you failed me?"

"Yes," I answered her, the answer seeming obvious to me. "I was supposed to protect you, my mate. I didn't."

"You were a child," she reminded me, her voice soft as she turned toward me.

Nodding, I agreed with her. "But so were you. And I've always been stronger than you. I should have done more to keep you safe. When you said no, that you wanted to stay, I should have picked you up and carried you out."

Her mouth cracked into a small smile, and I shared the expression. "You would have been slower with me on your back. The only reason you were able to get away was because you were alone and you were fast. They searched for you all night. Then in the morning—" Her voice abruptly cut off, and I reached forward to take her hand in mine, giving her a gentle squeeze. I both hoped that she would continue and dreaded what she would say to me. Had she been hurt because I'd run? Had Ray taken it out on her? But she simply shook her head, letting me know that was the end of it. I didn't push her on it, either.

I heard Gavin moving around in a nearby room and got up to go see him. I didn't know why; curiosity maybe, or something else. But seconds later I was sitting next to him and watching him play with a baseball. He rolled it back and forth across the floor between his little hands. "Hi," I said, close enough to touch him but not about to in case he shied away from me again.

"Hi."

That was good, I supposed. Maiki touched the back of my hair. I'd heard her get up from the couch too but didn't know where she was heading when she got up. I was glad to know she'd come to join me. On a whim, I let my wolf come forward when she asked gently. She stopped before doing a full shift, instead simply taking over my body as she looked at the little boy next to us. "Little cub," she said. I wondered what she saw when she looked at him, if she had the same strange sense of protectiveness that I did. Was it because he was weaker than us and we naturally wanted to take care of those that were? I hadn't experienced that with her before, but I supposed that might have been because we'd so rarely been around other people and none of them had been wolves.

She looked straight up at Maiki, and I was glad to see a lack of surprise on her face when the wolf looked at her. "Mate come out. Now." The command was so simple, so easy, as if Maiki hadn't shown us both that she was having trouble with it only a few hours before. I touched my wolf, comforting her for what I knew would be Maiki's answer. Her mate couldn't be there, not right now, at least, and though it was unfair that I had my mate and she did not, I didn't know what to say to her. My wolf knew that Maiki was ours long before I did and years before I'd even been able to shift. It was knowledge outside of myself, something I couldn't comprehend, but I remember the moment I knew. I was ten and a boy was trying to hold her hand on the street. I pushed him out of the way and took Maiki's hand myself.
She's mine
, I remember telling him.
Not for you
.

Maiki shook her head. "I can't. I'm sorry." I saw tears in her eyes and gave my wolf a shove, annoyed at her for pressing Maiki so soon when she'd already told us that she couldn't do it.

My wolf ignored me. "Try. Try now. Just us. I'm here. Protect mate."

I thought for sure that Maiki would say no again, but instead she stepped around me and knelt in front of me. Gavin went still at my side, maybe realizing how important this was to us. Maybe simply curious about us as much as I had been to see what he was doing in the abandoned bedroom. "Lie down," my wolf said, her command firm as she patted the floor in front of her. Maiki complied, and my wolf made her comfortable with her head on my lap.

"You stay?" my wolf asked Gavin. Though, even if I thought it was a question, I wasn't entirely sure that it was. My wolf often gave commands without actually considering those around her. She simply expected people to follow her directions, I supposed. Maybe having only me around to command for the last ten years had gone to her head.

"I'm scared," Gavin said, his voice as quiet as Maiki's often was.

My wolf smiled at him. "You safe here. Mother here." I'd thought she was going to touch Maiki when she told him that. Instead she touched her own chest, indicating herself, and I was left wondering what the hell had just happened. Maiki had tears in her eyes as she stared up at my wolf, and Gavin looked shocked as well. Did my wolf really mean that? Had she really just accepted Gavin so easily?

If I'd had control of my body right then, I would have been as speechless as Maiki. Instead I was only left staring out through my wolf's eyes and trying to make sense of her words. She'd never expressed ideas like mother and family before. It was always just us. But as I stared into Gavin's little face, I could see why my wolf would want to protect him. His eyes couldn't be helped, and there was so much of Maiki in him that I was starting to notice. "Good cub," my wolf said, briefly touching her cheek against his forehead. He reached up to touch us too, and I could nearly feel his touch against the hand my wolf controlled. He pulled away before she could hold his hand, but that brief contact was enough for the wolf. I could feel it inside of her. She was satisfied with him right then. I didn't blame her for caring about him. I was starting to feel that way too. But I nudged her back to Maiki, reminding her that she needed attention too.

My wolf put hands on either side of Maiki's face and hunched over her. I wanted to see what was happening, but my wolf closed her eyes and I was left in the dark as something warm swirled around us. I could hear Maiki softly crying and banged on my wolf's mind, demanding to be told what was going on, to be able to comfort my mate. She did not get to have hers at the expense of mine, I reminded her darkly. But my wolf ignored me, brushing off my cries as if I were completely inconsequential to her.

I kept yelling at her until she finally opened her eyes, and I looked down at Maiki's face. She looked shaken up, but my wolf tried to comfort me as best she could while stroking Maiki's hair. I stared, hoping for the best, as Maiki's eyes slowly changed and her body shuddered. The slow tremble continued until she shook violently, and I could only hold my breath as I watched her bones slowly break and her mouth open on a silent cry. It was excruciating, and if I'd been able to cry I would have been as I screamed like Gavin was doing, only my screams were silent inside the wolf's mind. But minutes later a small, tawny wolf lay against our legs, and my wolf fully took over my body as she shifted as well, and I was pushed into the furthest recesses of her mind.

As I was wrapped in a warm mist, she lay down next to her mate and licked the tawny wolf's face before putting a paw on Gavin's leg. He came closer, putting his arms around the tawny wolf's neck and lying between them in the abandoned bedroom. I momentarily wondered at the safety of him between the two wolves, but I quickly realized that I needn't have bothered as they both licked at him until he was giggling between what I knew from his perspective had to be two massive wolves. In reality, I knew that we were about the size of a regular wolf, maybe even a little smaller.

Chapter Eleven

Maiki

I wasn't back in my own skin until just after sunrise the next morning, and though I'd spent my first night as a wolf in years I wasn't quite ready to leave her gentle embrace. My wolf was comforting and warm. I reluctantly came back to myself and stretched out beside Gavin and Shae, who were still asleep. My dress lay in tatters around me, but for once I didn't care that I was naked in Elderthorne. I wasn't vulnerable like this. Not anymore.