Mind and Emotions (15 page)

The skin is the body’s largest organ. It’s loaded with sensitive nerves, and no matter what the circumstances, you’re always touching something. But it’s easy to forget the sense of touch. Some tactile sensations, such as petting a cat, can be very pleasing, while others, like being scratched by a cat, are painful and important warnings to pull back from potential injury. People differ in their tactile preferences. Check off any of the items below that you’re willing to try, and use the spaces at the end of the list to add some ideas of your own:

• Carry a soft, velvety piece of cloth, a smooth polished stone, or worry beads in your purse or pocket to touch when you need to.
  
• Take a hot or cool shower and enjoy the feeling of the water falling on your skin.
  
• Take a bubble bath or a bath with scented oil and feel the soothing sensations.
  
• Have a massage. There are many types of massage: clothed or unclothed, deep tissue or very light pressure, neck and shoulders only, and so on. Talk to a couple of massage therapists and find one who feels right for you.
  
• Give yourself a massage. Just kneading and rubbing your own muscles feels good.
  
• Stretch. The sense of touch isn’t just skin-deep; it operates inside your body as well. Yoga or a few runner’s stretches can soothe your body from the inside.
  
• Pet an animal. Research shows that people with pets have lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol levels, and reduced risk of heart disease. And petting an animal just feels good. If you don’t have a pet, consider getting one. You can also visit a friend who has a pet or volunteer at an animal shelter.
  
• Wear your most comforting clothes—that soft sweatshirt, those old jeans, your slipper socks, or the warm scarf your mother made.
  
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Self-Soothing with Hearing

What sounds soothe you? Music, the sea, a babbling brook? In the list below, check off all of the sounds that you’ll try, and also add some of your own auditory ideas if you like:

• Listen to soothing music in the genre you find most relaxing: classical, jazz, folk, pop, world, Cuban, new age, oldies, whatever. Put on your favorites, sit back, maybe with headphones, and let the sounds wash over you.
  
• Listen to an audiobook. Your public library probably has lots to choose from. You don’t even have to follow the story line; just listening to someone with a nice voice can be soothing. Keep one audiobook going in your car and another one going at home.
  
• Listen to white noise. You can get a white noise machine that makes a whooshing background sound that drowns out or covers over distracting sounds in your environment—or you can use a fan to do the same thing. Many people find white noise very relaxing.
  
• Listen to television. Turn the sound down low and close your eyes or go about your activities, using the TV as company or white noise to soothe you.
  
• Listen to a talk show on the radio, but stay away from politics or news that will make you upset or angry. Interviews of inspiring people or NPR shows about gardening, cooking, or cars are a good bet.
  
• Listen to sounds of nature. Open a window and listen to natural outdoor sounds. If your neighborhood doesn’t have pleasing natural sounds, go to a park that does or use audio recordings of natural sounds, which are available at music stores and online.
  
• Set up a mini water fountain. The sound of trickling water from a small fountain on your desk or in a corner can be very soothing.
  
• Recorded relaxation exercises can help you imagine relaxing in many ways. Recordings are available at some bookstores and online, including at newharbinger.com.
  
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Self-Soothing with Sight

A very large portion of the human brain is dedicated to processing vision, making sight the most important sense for gathering information about the world. Any given visual stimulus can be very soothing or very alarming, depending on your personal associations. In the list below, check off any items that you’re willing to try, and consider adding some of your own favorite visual experiences:

• Make a collage using pictures you like from magazines.
  
• Carry soothing pictures with you in your purse or wallet to look at any time you want.
  
• Visit some of your favorite places. Go to a park or museum and just sit and look.
  
• Hang art on your walls. Put up a painting or photo that you find beautiful and soothing.
  
• Look at picture books. Go to a bookstore or library and find a collection of nature photos or paintings that you love looking at.
  
• Draw or paint images that are soothing to you.
  
• Carry a photo of someone you love, admire, or just like looking at.
  
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Self-Soothing with Smell

The sense of smell is very powerful in its ability to bring up memories and evoke certain feelings, so it’s very important to find aromas that make you feel calm and relaxed. Look over the list below and check any that you’re willing to try, and add some ideas of your own as well:

• Burn scented candles or incense.
  
• Wear cologne, perfume, or a scented oil that makes you feel confident, happy, or sexy.
  
• Visit places that feature your favorite aromas, such as a bakery, restaurant, or florist.
  
• Bake chocolate chip cookies or make other foods that smell particularly good to you.
  
• Enjoy outdoor smells. Go out in your yard or to the park and enjoy the smells of earth, flowers, and freshly mown grass.
  
• Buy flowers for your home or take a walk and seek out favorites in your neighborhood.
  
• Hug someone whose scent makes you feel good.
  
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Self-Soothing with Taste

Taste is also a powerful sense for awakening memories and feelings, and eating foods you love can be very soothing. However, eating may be a problem for you if you tend to eat too much, binge, purge, or habitually restrict your diet. In that case, consider going to a counselor for help with your eating problems and use other senses for self-soothing. If eating isn’t a problem for you, check off the activities below that you’ll try, and add some ideas of your own:

• Enjoy your favorite food, dish, or meal, eating slowly and savoring every bite.
  
• Carry favorite foods with you to snack on when you’re upset.
  
• Have an occasional treat like ice cream, pudding, or candy.
  
• Drink your favorite beverage, such as coffee, chocolate, or tea. Drink it very slowly and don’t do anything else while you’re drinking, so you can really taste the beverage.
  
• Suck on an ice cube or ice pop and enjoy the cold, melting sensation.
  
• Eat a ripe, juicy piece of fruit very slowly and consciously.
  
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Drafting a Relaxation and Self-Soothing Plan

Once you’ve practiced the various relaxation techniques for a while and identified the soothing activities you want to enjoy, make a plan for incorporating these experiences into your day-to-day life. In the following spaces, list the soothing activities you plan to do at home and away from home. These lists will help you remember to relax and soothe yourself whenever painful emotions persist and you need a break.

Keep the list of skills to use at home in a convenient place where you’ll see it every day, such as on the fridge or taped to your bathroom mirror. Carry the list of skills to use away from home in your purse or wallet so that you have it with you whenever you leave home.

SELF-SOOTHING SKILLS TO USE AT HOME

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SELF-SOOTHING SKILLS TO USE AWAY FROM HOME

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Applications

Relaxation and self-soothing are most applicable to mood disorders involving anxiety and anger. These painful emotions are accompanied by a racing heartbeat, elevated blood pressure, and rapid breathing, all of which can be countered directly by using relaxation and self-soothing skills.

For depression and shame, some self-soothing activities might be counterproductive, reinforcing a tendency to withdraw, shut down, and do nothing. To help tolerate the painful emotions of depression and shame, choose self-soothing activities that are more active, such as dancing, singing, taking a walk, listening to faster music, and using intense fragrances and textures. And remember: Never use self-soothing or relaxation techniques during emotion exposure exercises.

Duration

You can start using relaxation and self-soothing techniques right away. If you’ve been denying yourself pleasure and enjoyment in life, it will take a few weeks to develop the habit of self-soothing. It’s worth doing, because self-soothing is such a necessary skill for emotion regulation.

Midtreatment Assessment Exercise

Congratulations! You’ve made it halfway through the book. You’ve started acting on your values and have acquired some important skills in mindfulness, defusion, cognitive flexibility, and self-soothing.

This is a good time to once again fill out the Difficulties in Emotion Regulation Scale (DERS; Gratz and Roemer 2004). Doing so will show you how far you’ve come and give you a clear idea of how much trouble you’re still having with emotion regulation at this point.

Difficulties in Emotion Regulation Scale (DERS)

Please indicate how often the following statements apply to you by writing the appropriate number from the scale below on the line beside each item.

1. _______________ I am clear about my feelings.

2. _______________ I pay attention to how I feel.

3. _______________ I experience my emotions as overwhelming and out of control.

4. _______________ I have no idea how I am feeling.

5. _______________ I have difficulty making sense out of my feelings.

6. _______________ I am attentive to my feelings.

7. _______________ I know exactly how I am feeling.

8. _______________ I care about what I am feeling.

9. _______________ I am confused about how I feel.

10. _______________ When I’m upset, I acknowledge my emotions.

11. _______________ When I’m upset, I become angry with myself for feeling that way.

12. _______________ When I’m upset, I become embarrassed for feeling that way.

13. _______________ When I’m upset, I have difficulty getting work done.

14. _______________ When I’m upset, I become out of control.

15. _______________ When I’m upset, I believe that I will remain that way for a long time.

16. _______________ When I’m upset, I believe that I will end up feeling very depressed.

17. _______________ When I’m upset, I believe that my feelings are valid and important.

18. _______________ When I’m upset, I have difficulty focusing on other things.

19. _______________ When I’m upset, I feel out of control.

20. _______________ When I’m upset, I can still get things done.

21. _______________ When I’m upset, I feel ashamed at myself for feeling that way.

22. _______________ When I’m upset, I know that I can find a way to eventually feel better.

23. _______________ When I’m upset, I feel like I am weak.

24. _______________ When I’m upset, I feel like I can remain in control of my behaviors.

25. _______________ When I’m upset, I feel guilty for feeling that way.

26. _______________ When I’m upset, I have difficulty concentrating.

27. _______________ When I’m upset, I have difficulty controlling my behaviors.

28. _______________ When I’m upset, I believe there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better.

29. _______________ When I’m upset, I become irritated at myself for feeling that way.

30. _______________ When I’m upset, I start to feel very bad about myself.

31. _______________ When I’m upset, I believe that wallowing in it is all I can do.