Many Shades of Gray (7 page)

* * *

Tommy watched Mary Jo leave with one of the world’s most powerful men and for a moment he hated both of them. For twelve years he’d held firm to his hatred of her. She’d broken his heart, taken his love and stomped it as though it had meant nothing to her.

She’d not given him a chance to become a man. Sure, he’d run when she first told him she was pregnant. He’d been scared shitless, eighteen years old. How the hell was he going to take care of her and a baby? It was going to ruin everything—their college plans, their dreams of starting a powerful group dedicated to black love and black achievement.

They had plotted and planned to be what the Black Panthers had started out to be. Only their weapon would be knowledge. They would start schools across the country to teach the community all the contributions made by African Americans.

Tommy pulled his cell phone from his pocket, wondering how many people, black, white or brown, knew that it was an African American man, Henry Sampson, that many claimed invented the cell phone. Of course, there were differing reports that said Sampson didn’t invent the phone, that he had invented the gamma-electrical-cell, not the phone.

Tommy didn’t care. The man could have probably invented it if he wanted to, so Tommy gave him the credit each time he made a call.

He dialed the number, thinking of Mary Jo, of what they had planned. She’d abandoned that just as she’d abandoned him and she’d taken on the persona of the white world and wore it like a glove. He didn’t believe one thing black remained in her. This woman who’d taken her place he didn’t even like.

He thought about what she’d done. She’d aborted his child without giving him a chance to tell her he was sorry, that he’d realized that they could do anything together. Then she’d delivered the devil’s blow. She’d told him that the baby might not have even been his.

Tommy had felt in his heart she was lying but it had hurt all the same and he’d been moments from slapping her. He still remembered how she’d jutted out her chin and told him defiantly that if he hit her, she’d cut his balls off. It hadn’t been her threat that had made him pull back but the knowledge that he had wanted to hit her.

He’d never ever hit a woman in his life. He detested men that did, and since that day he’d never had that overwhelming anger come over him again. He knew it was due in part to the fact that he’d never allowed himself to love anyone as much as he’d loved Mary Jo.

Tommy didn’t deny that she had a right to be hurt. That much he acknowledged, but the thought that she could pull an emotional response from him toward violence frightened him. He could still picture her the day she’d ended it.

“I think this is over, Tommy. We’re not children any longer. You go your way and I’ll go mine.”

And just like that she’d walked out of his life. She didn’t cry or behave as if she hadn’t meant it and she hadn’t answered any of his calls or letters. She’d cut him off and had forgotten him as she’d done his child, and he’d hated her every day after.

Sure, he’d made a mistake, but he’d apologized. Their ending was her doing and it rested squarely on her shoulders. He doubted if he lived for a thousand years if he would ever forgive her for the way she’d left.

Simon sat in the limo for the rest of Janice’s quick stops. Every time she returned to the car he noticed she was more agitated. “You okay?” he asked finally. “You’re looking worn out.”

“I am a bit.”

She tried smiling and he noticed it was forced. “Maybe we should get some lunch, or if you want, I can cancel the rest of your interviews.”

“No, don’t.”

Janice answered too quickly, he thought. She was trying to put off spending time alone with him. He didn’t like it. He wanted to ask her a thousand questions but he didn’t want the answers.

“You’re not hungry?”

“No,” she answered, again quickly.

He looked at her and thought that probably wasn’t a lie. She looked as if she would heave if she took even a bite of food.

“Are the shows making you nervous?” he asked, hoping she’d level with him, tell him without him probing that seeing Tommy Strong was more than she could handle.

“I don’t know if I can go through with it,” she said quietly.

“Go through with what?”

“I don’t know that I want to work that closely with Tommy.” She smiled. “Now you know. This is what you paid a million dollars to learn. Was it worth it?”

“I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Janice.”

“You sure as hell weren’t trying to help me.”

“I just wanted to know what you were hiding from me.”

“I’ve always been honest with you. I have never lied to you.”

“Maybe not, but I knew you were keeping things from me. We’re getting married, it shouldn’t be that way. You forced me to find out for myself.”

“I didn’t think my past was your business. I still don’t.”

Simon stared at her, his gray gaze thoughtful. And again she saw the flicker of pain and remembered her own pain. She didn’t want to hurt Simon. Given that he’d gone to the trouble of digging around in her past and finding Tommy, it was also evident that her source had told Simon how much she’d loved Tommy. She studied him for a moment, knowing he had a right to be concerned. She didn’t want her past relationship with Tommy to be a cause of concern. They’d been over long ago.

“What do you want to know about Tommy?” she asked finally.

“Tell me what he meant to you. Tell me if you still care. Tell me who ended it.”

Janice sucked in her breath. She didn’t want to talk about Tommy Strong, not now, not ever, but Simon deserved an answer to his questions. Besides, if she didn’t answer them he would probably keep digging even further.

“At one time Tommy was my world,” she whispered. “No, I don’t still care about him and in answer to your last question, he ended it. He left me without a word. I felt abandoned. I needed him and he wasn’t there for me.” In a way it was true. Tommy’s leaving town and abandoning her was what had ended it for them.

Simon looked hard at her. “Why was that so hard for you to tell me?”

She shrugged, thinking maybe it was time to say out loud what had happened, to tell the man she was going to marry why she’d reacted so violently to Tommy. Still, it was hard. She had no wish for anyone to know of her weakness, either past or present.

“It hurt.” She began. “I was a fool and I didn’t relish reliving it. I had promised myself that I would never tell anyone, ever.”

“So why did you tell me?”

“I’m not sure.” I wish I could tell you all of it, she thought. But she couldn’t. She only felt safe enough to go so far. The rest would have to wait. Maybe forever.

Simon was staring at her so she closed her eyes, wishing that she could feel safe enough to tell Simon that he was the only one she wanted to share her past or future with. Wishing as she took a deep breath and shuddered that she didn’t truly believe Simon would stop loving her the moment she admitted her feelings for him. It wasn’t Simon’s fault that Tommy had taught her not to trust a man who claimed in either words or deeds to love her.

* * *

Simon didn’t know what to make of it. He watched her while her eyes were closed, deciding not to question her. She’d told him more than she ever had. He’d let it go for now. Still, the pain in her voice was fresh and he knew it had something to do with her seeing Tommy Strong again.

Damn. He cursed under his breath, wishing he’d never dug into her past. As he’d originally thought, there was unfinished business between Janice and Tommy Strong. Simon could only hope that when it was over, he would be the one she ended up with. He leaned his head into her, stroked her left cheek with his hand and prayed like hell that the knot in his gut would go away.

* * *

Acute awareness snaked through Tommy’s body. For the past twelve years he’d thought of women as treacherous, conniving skanks, something he’d never wanted to do. All his childhood dreams had focused on elevating the African American woman to her rightful status as queen. He was still able to talk the game but he couldn’t walk the walk.

He’d never fooled himself about the reason. He’d always known it was because of Mary Jo Adams. She’d hurt him and because of that hurt Tommy was distrustful of women and their words of love. When she’d abandoned him she’d also abandoned all of the plans that they’d had to bring pride into the black community. Mary Jo had taken it a step further by portraying her black male characters in a stereotypical negative way.

He’d watched her career for the last seven years. He’d read every word she’d ever written, something in him hoping that he’d see something of the girl he’d loved. But he hadn’t. Instead of doing something that the black community could be proud of, she’d sold out completely. If she just happened to include black male characters in her books, they were drug dealers, gang bangers and thugs, cons or other negative characters. But the one portrayal that hurt the most was that the black man didn’t give a damn about his babies. That he knew was a direct slam on him and it was a lie.

When he saw her on the news, she was always on the arm on any man who wasn’t black. Her nose was so far up in the air that if it rained when she was out, he knew she would be in danger of drowning.

He hated knowing that four years of his life had been wasted sharing his dreams and love with a woman who’d wanted neither. Seeing her finally face to face, he wanted answers. He wanted her to tell him if everything had been a lie. He no longer cared that she’d not wanted him; he just wanted to know if anything about her had been real. So far, he didn’t think so.

He hated that seeing Janice made him remember the sweetness of her body. They had both been virgins when they first made love and it had taken them awhile to get the rhythm, but after they had, it was as though God had made them for each other.

In her arms he’d gone from being a boy to a man. And in the years since he’d seen her, he’d searched fruitlessly for that same sweetness. Apparently she’d not had the same problem.

Tommy couldn’t believe she was really going to marry Simon Kohl. He wondered if she knew that the man had tried to buy him off. Tommy still wasn’t sure what he’d expected. He just knew in his gut the man wanted to buy something Tommy wasn’t willing to sell.

Well, with any luck he should get some of his answers. He’d put Mary Jo on the spot. She had no choice but to work with him. If there was one black cell left in her body, he was determined to find it. It might be too late for the two of them to work together to bring enlightenment or to revive the Panthers, but it sure as hell wasn’t too late to change her back.

He shivered, wondering why it was important to him to have Mary Jo change back to what he’d thought she was. Then he knew. He didn’t want it all to have been a lie. He had loved her. Even when he’d failed her, he’d loved her. She should have waited for him. She should have known he’d return and for that he didn’t believe he could ever forgive her or forget her.

Pain filled him and he knew there was one more reason. He wanted to make her tell him that she’d lied, that the baby had been his. He felt it in his heart, but he needed to put a period after it. Only one person in the world could tell him what he needed to know. And that was Mary Jo.

The pile of clothes lying on their bed was beginning to resemble a small mountain. Simon stood there observing her, the amusement fading after he realized the reason for her distress.

“I don’t see why you’re having so much trouble finding something to wear for a business lunch.”

“I want to send the right message.”

He picked up the most recently discarded pants and blouse and held them up. “What’s the right message?”

She leaned out of the huge walk-in closet and frowned at him.

“Did you go to so much trouble for our first date?” he couldn’t help asking.

Janice walked out of the closet, a burnt orange sweater making her golden skin glow. He sucked in the whistle. He didn’t want her looking this good for another man. But it wasn’t the clothes that worried him, it was the glow in her face. She was excited, more excited than he’d ever seen her and it hurt that her excitement had not a damn thing to do with him.

“I don’t want you following me,” she ordered and moved to her mirror to apply makeup that she didn’t need.

“I don’t follow you.”

“Then I don’t want you having me followed.”

“I was thinking that I would like to help. I’m sure that there are things that I can do.”

“You have work to do, you don’t have to come with me.”

“You forget I don’t have to do anything; there is no one who can make me come into the office. I’m my own boss. What’s wrong? You don’t want me with you?”

“Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong? Why are you acting so possessive? You don’t own me, Simon.”

He turned from her and winced wondering why lately ‘you don’t own me’ were the only words she appeared to know. For God’s sake, she was a writer; she should be able to think of something. Those words had the power to destroy him. He didn’t want to own Janice, he wanted to marry her.