Major Karnage (26 page)

Karnage punched the wall. His Sanity Patch buzzed. “Warning.
Sanity Level upgraded to Daffodil. Please refrain from violent
behaviour.”

Karnage turned back to Patrick. “You gettin’ it yet? You want a
chance to fight me. Well, here it is. Let me go down fighting. It’ll be
messy, but your boss won’t care. I’ll be dead. And you’ll have had
your chance to fight me. That’s your life-long dream, isn’t it? To fight
the legendary Major Karnage? Here’s your chance.”

“And you can die like a true warrior.” Patrick grinned broadly.
“That’s very tempting.”

“I thought it might be,” Karnage said.

Patrick bit his lip, considering his options. Finally, he smiled.
“Oh, why not?” He put his gun away in his jacket. He approached
Karnage cautiously, his arms hanging loosely at his sides, yet tense
with energy.

Karnage raised his fists. All the while, he repeated his mantra in
his head:
Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler. Stumpy. Koch. Cookie. Velasquez.
Heckler. Stumpy. Koch.

He hoped it would be enough.

They circled one another like lions. Karnage threw the first
punch. His Sanity Patch buzzed “Citrus Blast.” Karnage cursed
himself.
Don’t feel! THINK! Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler. Stumpy. Koch.

Patrick easily ducked the punch and tried to strike Karnage
in the gut. Karnage blocked the blow. The Sanity Patch crooned
“Peachy Keen.”
Focus, dammit! FOCUS! Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler.
Stumpy. Koch.

He tried to remember how it felt to trade blows with Sydney.
Just sparring among friends. Nobody’s tryin’ to kill each other here. Even
though we are. But we’re not. Fuck! How do I sort this out?

Patrick’s moves were long and fluid, his arms and legs like blades.
Karnage blocked and dodged, all the while trying to get back into
the right mindset. He tried to focus on why he needed to do this.
He tried to focus on his long-term goals:
Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler.
Stumpy. Koch. Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler. Stumpy. Koch.

Patrick swept out with his leg and knocked Karnage off his feet.
Karnage went down hard. He spun away from a foot coming for
his head and leaped back to his feet. He shoved a table on casters
at Patrick. Patrick tumbled out of the way, and the table smashed
through one of the oval windows. Karnage’s neck buzzed. “Warning.
Sanity Level upgraded to Tangy Orange. Please refrain from violent
behaviour.”

He cursed silently.
Come on, mister, get it together! Cookie.
Velasquez. Heckler. Stumpy. Koch.
He dodged another blow, trying to
prepare himself.
They ain’t just names. They’re
people
. Your people. If
you don’t win this, they’ll die! You can’t let that happen. They’re countin’
on you. You’re the only one they have left! Cookie! Velasquez! Heckler!
Stumpy! Koch!

Karnage saw an opportunity to strike Patrick’s exposed throat.
Do what you have to do, soldier. Do what you have to do!
He took it,
throwing a punch into Patrick’s neck. Patrick gasped, and reeled
back.

The Sanity Patch stayed silent.

Keep it up, mister. Keep it up! Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler. Stumpy.
Koch.

Patrick sliced the air with a gloved fist. Karnage dodged and
landed a punch to Patrick’s stomach. Patrick doubled over. The
Sanity Patch ignored the blow.

Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler. Stumpy. Koch. Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler.
Stumpy. Koch.

Karnage ripped open the front of Patrick’s jacket, exposing the
pistol.

Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler. Stumpy. Koch. Cookie. Velasquez. Heckler.
Stumpy. Koch.

He whipped the pistol out of its holster and kicked Patrick away.
Patrick staggered back, dazed. He looked at Karnage in amazement.
“You’re not supposed to be able to do that.”

Karnage levelled the gun at Patrick. “I wasn’t sure I could.”

Patrick smiled. “You are far more magnificent than I could have
imagined.” He looked at the pistol pointed at his chest, and smiled.
“Are you that good? Can you do it? Can you get away with killing me
without taking your own head off?”

“Only one way to find out,” Karnage said.

“Please,” Patrick said. “Do it.”

Karnage fired.

The Sanity Patch buzzed. “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to
Sharp Cheddar. Please refrain from violent behaviour.” And then it
was silent.

Patrick staggered back, a shocked look on his face. He looked
down at the small hole in his shirt. Blood poured from the wound,
staining the fabric. He looked up at Karnage, and smiled. Blood
poured from his mouth.

“Brilliant,” he said, then fell back through the broken window.

Karnage grabbed a can of goober solvent from Sydney’s belt, and
sprayed down the goober holding her to the wall. It fizzled and
bubbled and melted away. Sydney slid down the wall, wiping the
remnants from her face. “You all right?”

Sydney pinched at her nose and sniffed. “I’m gonna blow pink
snot for a few days, but other than that I’m fine. How about you?”

“I’m not dead.”

“Sounds like you’re doing pretty good, then. What happened to
Patrick?”

Karnage jerked a thumb out the broken window. “He’s dead.”

Sydney blinked. “You killed him?”

“Yep.”

“How?”

“With my fists,” Karnage said. “And a gun.”

“And the Sanity Patch didn’t go off?”

Karnage shrugged. “It went off a little.”

“But not enough to kill you.”

Karnage grinned. “Nope.”

Sydney looked out the window. “Where’s his body?”

“What do you mean where? He should be right—” Karnage
looked down at the square. There was a smear of blood at the base of
the water tower, but otherwise the square was empty.

Patrick was gone.

“No,” Karnage shook his head. “That’s not possible. I got him
square in the chest. Right in the heart. He couldn’t have stood up
and walked away from that!”

“Looks like he did,” Sydney said.

Karnage heard a buzzing behind him. He started. He had a
moment where he thought it was the Sanity Patch finally realizing
he had indeed been violent these last twenty minutes, and was
enacting retroactive retribution. But it wasn’t.

A cell phone vibrated around on the floor behind them, its
display flashing. Karnage picked it up. The name on the display read
STEVE DABNEY. A picture of a strapping young man with closecropped hair and glasses smiled out of the screen. A list of details
ran down the screen, including “Employer: Dabney Corporation. Job
Title: CEO.” Karnage showed the name to Sydney. She whistled.

“Does that mean it is who it looks like it is?”

“It does,” Sydney said. “You gonna answer it?”

“Be rude not to.” Karnage answered it. Steve Dabney appeared on
the screen, smiling broadly. “Patrick, how—”

The smile left his face. He blinked.

“You’re not Patrick,” he said.

“Nope,” Karnage said.

Steve stared blankly at Karnage. Karnage stared back.

“I take it Patrick can’t come to the phone right now?” Steve said.

“Nope,” Karnage said.

“Can I expect him to ever come to the phone again?”

“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Karnage said.

“I see,” Steve said. He looked at something offscreen, then back
at Karnage. The congenial smile was back in place. “Well, I’m afraid
I’m rather busy here, so . . . so long.”

The screen went black.

“Be seeing you.” Karnage said. He tossed the phone out the
window.

The phone had shattered on impact. Its shrapnel lay splayed in a wide
dispersal pattern around the bloody splotch on the cobblestones.
Sydney pointed to a spotty trail of blood leading through the park’s
main gates. “See? He walked.”

“Or he was carried,” Karnage said.

“You think he had help?”

“There’s no way he could have survived that.”

“He could have been wearing a bulletproof vest,” Sydney said.
Karnage shook his head. “I would have felt it when I was beating the crap out of him.”

“Good to know you’re so thorough about these things.”

“I try.”

They followed the blood trail out to the parking lot. Sydney
pointed to a pair of swooping crescents carved into the gravel
shoulder of the road.

“Skid marks,” Sydney said. “You’ve got to be leaving in one hell of
a hurry to make hoverballs do that.”

Karnage squinted down the road. “Looks like he’s long gone,
then.”

A drone flew down in front of Sydney. Its lens zoomed towards
her. “Oh, thank Darwin! I am thrilled—nay, ecstatic to see that you
are unharmed.” The drone tentatively poked at Sydney’s head with
its tentacles. “You
are
unharmed, aren’t you?”

Sydney swatted the drone away, rolling her eyes. “Yes, Uncle.”

“Excellent! That is such a relief!”

“I’m good,” Karnage said. “Thanks for asking.”

The drone spun and flashed its lens at Karnage. “Indeed you are!
Well, this is most surprising. Does this mean you were able to defeat
the marksman?”

Karnage looked down the highway. “Mostly,” he said.

“Wonderful! I am pleased to see that your ‘crash course’ in the
Eleven Senses has provided you with such stellar results. I must
admit, I am completely flummoxed. It should not have been possible
for that gentleman to have breached the perimeter. I am at a loss to
explain why his presence went undetected.”

“There’s a lot about this guy that isn’t possible,” Karnage said.

“So it would seem. As a result of this puzzling bit of data, I
am afraid I must now ask you to leave. I am instigating a security
lockdown until I can pinpoint the faults in my system. It’s nothing
personal, I assure you. I simply must make my personal safety my
highest priority. Despite a complete understanding behind the
theory of all martial arts, I am compelled to admit I have no skill in
their execution myself. You understand, I’m sure.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Karnage said. “We were just leaving,
anyway.”

“Excellent! Well, I must see to my diagnostics.
Bon aventure!”
The
drone sailed back into the compound.

“And just where are we going?” Sydney said.

“To talk to our buddy Steve, of course,” Karnage said.

“Steve? As in Steve Dabney?”

“Yep.”

“That’s crazy.”

“Why?”

“He’s in Dabneyville.”

“So?”

“You can’t go to Dabneyville!”

“Why not?”

“Do you have any idea what Dabneyville’s like? It’s a fortress.
Cameras everywhere. Dabneycops crawling all over the place. You’ll
never get in. And even if you did, he probably already figures that
you’re coming. He’ll be expecting us.”

“Good,” Karnage said. “That’ll give him time to get good and
scared.”

Sydney shook her head. “Steve Dabney’s not afraid of anything.”

“Maybe he should be.”

“Maybe you should be.”

“Does that mean you’re not coming?”

Sydney stared off down the highway. She hung her head and
sighed. “No. No, it doesn’t. If I don’t come with you, you’ll just end
up getting yourself killed. And where the hell will that leave us?”

“Squidbugged,” Karnage said.

“Squidbugged?”

“Yeah.” Karnage knocked on the metal band under his shin.
“Squidbugged.”

“You just love inventing new words, don’t you?”

“Yep. I’m a regular wordicologist.”

Sydney and Karnage drove to Dabneyville in a black limousine.
Sydney explained that she had “borrowed” it from Patrick after he
had shot Karnage at Camp Bailey. The biometric scanner on the
dashboard had been ripped off and the red and green wires had been
twisted together.

“Tampering with security systems is a criminal offence under the
Dabney Intellectual Property Ordinance,” Karnage had reminded
her.

“You want me to go and turn myself in?” she had said.
Karnage had told her not to bother.

They brought the only weapons they had: Sydney’s goober pistol and stun stick, and Patrick’s pistol that Karnage had “liberated”
from its holster. The goober gun had three rounds left, and the
pistol had seven. While not the kind of heavy artillery Karnage
would have liked for taking on the Dabney Corporation, it would
have to do.

They took off down the highway in the same direction as Patrick’s
skid marks, following him towards Dabneyville.

“Anything I need to know before we get to the city?” Karnage
said.

“If we can help it, we’re not going to be seen. But if we are, you’re
going to have to work hard to blend in. Look happy all the time.
If you go around frowning and scowling at everything like that,
Dabneycops will assume you’re up to something.”

“I am up to something.”

“Yeah, but you gotta keep that info to yourself. You can’t just go
barging in, shooting at anything that moves.”

“Don’t worry,” Karnage said. “I wasn’t planning on doing that
anyway.”

“Good.”

“I only got seven bullets.”

“Just try to look happy, okay?”

Karnage bared his teeth. “How’s this?”

“Hideous. Just keep your mouth covered.”

The desert stretched out in a flat plain before them. Nothing
marred the view but the occasional bit of debris on the gravel
shoulder. Slowly, a cloud-covered mountain peak appeared on the
horizon.

“There it is,” Sydney said. “Mount Dabney.”