Luke (A Redemption Romance #1) (8 page)

“Are you there alone?”

“Yeah?” The confusion in my voice must have been obvious.

“Why isn’t Luke with you? You shouldn’t be doing that alone.”

“Reed! Why are you at my house?” I shouted at him, trying to keep his attention on this one thing.

“Oh, I was just going to return that little vacuum thing.” He seemed distracted.

“Cool, just leave it on the porch behind the blue chair.” I was doing everything I could to sound normal.

“Aurora, what the fuck? I’m coming over there, are you okay? You sound strange.”

“I’m fine Reed, Jesus! I already cleaned out the fridge, threw out all the perishables and boxed up all the packaged food to donate. Now I’m sorting through some old things of mom’s, getting ready to move a few things to my house. I’m not going to be here much longer, just another couple of hours. I just need to box this stuff up and find a few things I need from his files. His stuff is remarkably well organized.”

“All right, I’m leaving your little robot thing behind the blue chair. Thanks again, by the way; I’m going to buy one of those things next time I go to Costco.”

“Good idea, a lot easier to just clean it out than to actually vacuum your own floor all the time. With Sadie’s hair all over the house, I have it run every day.” We finished up and disconnected the call. At least I’d been able to dissuade him from coming over here. I was having a hard enough time keeping him from asking questions about Luke. Thankfully, I’d changed the subject every time he brought it up. I had no idea why he thought Luke would be over here.

Obviously, Luke had been a great friend to Nolan. He’d been there for me when I needed him most. Honestly, I needed to grow up, stop avoiding him and thank him for everything. He was probably struggling just as much as I was with Nolan’s death. He kept it together that entire week, hardly breaking down at all.

Realizing how selfish I’d been, how ungrateful I was, I felt like shit. I was acting like a baby because I thought he wanted something from me, something more and obviously I was wrong; but that didn’t take away everything he did, he didn’t have to stay at my house every night for six nights. He didn’t have to help me make decisions on caskets; he did all that out of the kindness of his heart.

Deciding that I’d been a major bitch, and needed to reach out to Luke, I planned to call him to check on him when I got home, but I’d send an email now.

Walking into Nolan’s office, I was hit with the remnants of his scent. The comforting presence of my brother surrounded me and gave me the strength I needed.

The office wasn’t much really, just the third bedroom that held his desk and computer, files and stuff. It had worked for Nolan and I certainly didn’t need any more than that right now. Now, I was glad I hadn’t canceled the landline, there was still internet. Stupid me, acting like a twit, hiding from my phone so I couldn’t send him a text. That was just fine, I’d sign on to my email account from Nolan’s laptop and send an email from there.

It took me a couple of minutes to get it turned on and sign into my account but once I got settled, I was determined to grow up.

To: Luke Jackson

Re: Thank You

Hey Luke, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate everything you did for me after Nolan’s death. I wish I would have told you, wish I would have been in the right mind to let you know how much your help meant to me. I don’t know what I would have done if it hadn’t been for you. I know it isn’t enough, but I just wanted you to know. I can’t ever repay you for everything you did; you were so sweet to me.

I’m doing all right and I hope you are too, if you ever need to talk, I’ll always be here.

Aurora

I was feeling better: at least I’d told him, I’d reached out to him in some way.

Walking back into the other room, I packed up the heirlooms. It took another hour in that room, and then I moved into the office to find the paperwork I needed. There was so much to do, accounts to deal with, it wasn’t like Nolan and I talked about our personal bills or where we had accounts.

I searched through the filing cabinet and found a bunch of papers. Packing a bankers box with files, I moved back over to the desk to look around for anything else. I shut down the laptop and put that in the box and started to look through the drawers.

I pulled open the middle drawer as I moved from one set of drawers to the other. What I found inside stopped my heart. Lying inside the drawer, neatly stacked were cream colored envelopes. I reached in to pick them up and paused, staring at the one on top. In Nolan’s neat, bold print, it read ‘Aurora’ and the last thing I wanted to do was to pick that thing up. Could I do it? Could I read what my brother had obviously written to me?

I remembered my earlier promise that I’d grow up and stop acting like a baby so I straightened my shoulders and picked the stack up. The envelope under mine was for Luke, Reed was next, then Jake, Gavin, Hope and Trent.

Hands trembling, I set the letters on the desk in front of me and picked mine up. I struggled with myself, but finally opened the sealed flap and pulled out the cream linen paper.

Dear Sis,

I’m sorry that you’re reading this. I wanted to be the man I was before. I wanted to be strong for you, to be the brother you needed me to be but I just couldn’t.

That day in the desert when Dylan died, I died that day too. I’ve never been okay with it, knowing what he did for me. The guilt eats me every day. I know you’ll never understand why I’ve decided that it’s my time to die, but in time I hope you can accept it.

I love you so much sis, so fucking much, I couldn’t keep going and pull you down with me. The spiral my mind was taking was so dark, and I had to save you from me.

Someday, you’ll find the right guy, you’ll get married, you’ll have babies and I want you to remember me. I wish I could be there, to be with you, to walk you down the aisle, to be an uncle to your kids.

You tell them that I love them, that I am so sorry I can’t be there with them. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you when you go through your life like I should have been.

Watch out for Luke, he’s going to have a hard time, when he’s really upset he pulls back and turns in on himself. Don’t let him take fault for this either. Make sure he knows that nothing he could have done would have changed my decision. Don’t let him walk this path that I’m on, watch over him, be his friend, he’s going to need you.

Please know that there isn’t anything you could have done differently. You’ve helped me so much over the past couple of years; you’ve done everything for me that you could. Don’t let guilt take over. Live a full and happy life Aurora, do everything that you dreamed of. I love you always. Remember me for the man I was before, not the man I became. Always remember him, because that isn’t me, he was a strong man and I’m just broken. Remember me always and know that I’ll never stop loving you.

Nolan

As I read Nolan’s words, my heart shattered into pieces. I could hear the torment; I could see the struggle he was going through when he’d made the decision he had.

I gave into my grief and pain for a long time. My forehead rested on top of his desk, my arms up covering my head like I was going to hide under my desk and wait for the atom bomb or something. With my face down I allowed the sobs and grief out. I cried so long and hard I thought at one point that I might actually vomit.

I couldn’t be here anymore. I picked up the bundle of letters, laid them on top of the box of files and moved it all out to the truck. I carried the other boxes I needed, and a few other valuable and personal items I wanted to be sure I got out of the house. I’d put the bankers box up front with me and covered the rest in a thick tarp.

A light drizzle had started to fall and the clouds in the distance looked ominous.

It was important to my brother to make sure these letters got to the right people... I ran home, tossed the boxes in the garage, grabbed my purse and my cell and went back to the truck where the letters waited.

I had a plan, not a great one, but a plan all the same. I’d start at the house farthest away and make my way back, which of course made Luke’s house last. I was still giving into my fear with him, my hurt, but I kept reminding myself that it wasn’t his fault, that he hadn’t done anything wrong.

He hadn’t promised me anything, had just expressed his desire for me, or so I’d thought. It was probably just too hard for him to be around me or maybe he’d figured out that I just wasn’t what he wanted.

I pulled up in front of Trent’s condo first. His complex was really nice, and just north of downtown Dallas. I hadn’t really thought this out, what would I do if the guys weren’t home? I didn’t call ahead, mostly because I didn’t know what to say, or rather how to say what I was coming by for. The light was on in the kitchen, so I was hopeful that he’d be here. Knocking on the door, I waited. Thankfully the porch was covered, which was good because the rain had picked up.

Trent opened the door and the obvious surprise on his face had me questioning not letting him know in advance that I was coming.

“Aurora, um, hey. What are you doing here?”

“Hey, sorry to stop over without calling, but I have something for you.”

“Is everything okay? Do you want to come in?” He stepped back and opened the door wider.

“No, no, thanks, I just, well, I found this today and wanted to bring it to you myself.” I held the letter out to him; my hand trembled slightly as he looked down at it, brows furrowed in confusion. I could see the moment he recognized the handwriting.

“Oh, shit. It’s from Nolan isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I thought you should have it right away. I found it a couple of hours ago.”

Trent just nodded, reached out and took it from my hand. I could see the pain in his eyes as he stared down at the envelope containing Nolan’s letter.

“Thanks,” Trent paused for several moments, despair on his face, and then asked “did you want to come in?”

“No, thanks, Trent, I, uh, I need to get going.”

“Sure, thanks a lot Aurora. Let me know if you need anything okay? If you need help or, just whatever.”

“Thanks so much, I appreciate it.” He gave me a small hug, and then I turned and went back to the rented truck, hurrying through the rain. It seemed that the weather was matching my mood tonight.

The scene was similar when I got to Gavin’s, but Reed’s visit was a long one. When I’d arrived at his house, he lit into me about not having my phone earlier, about not calling him or someone else for help at Nolan’s. He questioned me about what was going on with me. He sensed things weren’t going well.

Instead of answering, I explained how I’d found the stack of letters today and that I wanted to deliver them to everyone. His face went ghost-white when I sat his letter on the breakfast bar in his kitchen and slid it toward him. He didn’t take it, didn’t touch it, he just looked at it like it would bite him.

After a few minutes, he pulled me into his arms and crushed me to him. We shared a few heartbroken minutes, and then I left, promising to be better about my phone.

Jake wasn’t home, so I decided to hold onto his letter until I could get in contact with him. When I got to Hope’s house, she absolutely fell apart. She lived really near Jake so it was a quick drive from his place to hers, but it didn’t give me enough time to brace for what I knew her reaction would be. I held her for a long time, she apologized to me, again and again, she told me that she should be comforting me, instead of it being the other way around. After I got her calmed down, I left.

I steeled myself for what I would find in Luke’s house. It was Sunday night; I had no idea if he was working, if he’d be home, on a date or whatever. What would I do if he had a woman in his house? Shit! I should have called first. No matter now, I pulled up into his driveway and found the house lights were all on. There was loud music playing, so I thought he might be having a party or something, though a party without his closest friends, probably not. I wasn’t sure what to expect.

The rain was really coming down now, the wind had picked up, so once I got out of the truck and ran to the front porch, even the awning wasn’t enough to keep the rain off. It was coming in sideways. I’d put the letter inside my jacket so it didn’t get wet, but my red hair was soaked now and plastered to my face. I knocked several times, waited and knocked again. This went on for at least five minutes. I tried one last time, knowing someone was here and I didn’t know if I’d be brave enough to come again.

Obviously, he was home, he either had someone over and couldn’t get to the door, or knew it was me and didn’t want to talk to me. I hoped it was the later. I couldn’t imagine him having a date here, god, if he answered with a woman over I didn’t know if I’d be able to take it.

Having given up, I turned and started walking back to the truck. I was pulling my jacket tight, trying to cover as much of myself as I could.

I heard a shout from behind me and I whirled around to see that Luke was standing on his front porch. The light that shone down on him made him look almost god like. My heart tripped when I saw him, it really was a punch to the gut. Determined, I walked back over to him, but before I could speak, he yelled out over the sound of the rain.

“Aurora? Is that you?”

It was pretty dark out here, obviously wearing jeans and a coat; it must have been hard to tell that it was me.

“Yeah, um, I have”

“What the fuck Rory? You’re soaked. Come in, get dried off. We need to talk.”

“No, that’s okay, I just”

“Come in!” His voice was sharp and determined; he was not going to be put off. I just nodded and walked through the door that he held wide for me.

“Luke, I…”

“No, Aurora, take off your coat, I’ll get you a towel.”

Jesus! He wouldn’t let me get a word in. This was starting to piss me off.

“Luke, stop!”

He turned around to look at me with some shock on his handsome face. Damn, I’d missed that face, he was so rugged. The stubble on his jaw looked masculine and sexy. I noticed the running shoes, athletic shorts and T-shirt he was wearing, he must have been working out, with the music up so loud it was no wonder he had taken so long to come to the door. I needed to focus here.

“I’m here to give you something, I found it today.”

I started to unbutton my coat to retrieve the letter from the inside pocket when he moved in closer, lifted my chin and forced it up so I had to look into his eyes.

“Where have you been Aurora, why did you pull away from me?”

I blinked in surprise. I hadn’t pulled back, he did! Was he crazy?

“I didn’t, I…”

“You did! You absolutely fucking did! You didn’t call me, when I called or texted, you acted like we were just, fuck, I don’t know, like we were just buddies. If that wasn’t bad enough, you stopped taking my calls, and then stopped responding to my texts.”

Staring hard into my eyes, he took several deep breaths before continuing. “Jesus, Rory, did you come here to tell me that what happened was a mistake? That you regret it? I tried to give you some time, to let you get your head together after Nolan, but fuck Rory, I can’t take this shit anymore.”

My mouth gaped open as I stared up at him in disbelief. He was completely out of his mind. I didn’t, did I do that? I shook my head, which was difficult because he was still holding my chin. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, but hoped he couldn’t see it since I was still wet from the rain. I pulled my chin out of his hand and took a step back. I needed some distance so I could think.

“No, Luke, I didn’t. You left, you got called in. I didn’t know how long you had to work, or when you got home, when you’d wake up. I didn’t want to bother you; I wanted to let you sleep. You took all your stuff, you, I, I thought”

“You thought what?”

Not wanting to open myself up this much, to show this much emotion or be that vulnerable, I turned around and finished taking off my coat. I pulled the letter from Nolan out of the pocket and held it in my hand. I clutched it for a few moments, steeling myself to face Luke again. I held the letter out in front of me and handed it over.

“I wanted to bring you this.” My voice trembled, but in his fury, he probably couldn’t tell.

Luke snatched the letter from my hand and set it down on the nearby shelf. He didn’t even look at it.

“That had better not be another thank you note from you. I read your email today. That’s fucked. You act like I stayed with you out of some fucking obligation. After, fuck Rory, after everything, I don’t get it. Were you just spending time with me, out of, I don’t know - because you needed comfort?”

“What? Are you serious?” I was completely astonished. Had I gotten it all wrong? “I don’t understand what you’re talking about. Since the night of the funeral you pulled back, you left; you called, but didn’t ask to see me, you texted but just to see how I was. How was I supposed to take that? What am I missing here?”

Luke closed the distance I’d put between us, wrapped his hand behind my head and crushed his mouth down onto mine. The kiss was urgent, sensual and desperate.

It only took a minute for me to respond. My mouth opened and he took full advantage. It was strange, we were connected by our mouths, he was holding me at the back of my head, pressing my mouth firmly to his; but we didn’t touch anywhere else. Once he pulled away, he stepped back, putting the same distance between us again.

“I can’t read your mind Rory, yeah, I left, but after the week we shared, I thought something was starting between us. Then I left to go to work, came home the next day and heard nothing from you. You didn’t call, didn’t text. Nothing! I reached out to you and you seemed hesitant, distant, what happened to the girl I held in my arms for two nights?”

In Luke’s frustration, he turned and paced to the kitchen, walking toward the fridge.

“What happened between us meant something to me; it fucking meant everything to me. Through one of the worst times in my life, you were the ray of sunshine. Fuck, I just hoped it had meant something to you too.” Running his hands through his hair, he rested his forehead against the refrigerator and I could tell he was working hard to control his breathing.

I was done with this, it was total bullshit! I was pissed and I didn’t remember being this angry. After two weeks, three really of total despair, he was acting like I kicked him out or something.

“It meant everything to me” I screamed at his back, tears flowing down my face.

“It meant fucking, everything, you held me, you kissed me, you acted like you gave a shit about me, like I was precious to you, then you took it all away. I stopped taking your calls because every time I saw one of your ‘just checking in’ texts my heart broke a little more. I couldn’t take it; it hurt too much to know that what I had thought was so special, just what I’d wanted from you for so long, was nothing.”

Anger coursed through me as I ranted at him, not guarding my words at all, I let it all fly.

“I thought I’d lost my mind, that I’d imagined it all. So, yeah, I stopped taking your calls, your ‘don’t give a shit’ attitude was too much. I’m sorry you were offended by my email; I wanted you to know how much it meant to me, even if it didn’t mean the same thing to you. And no, that isn’t from me.” Luke had stopped when I’d started yelling, and stared at me as I sobbed out every word. “That is a letter I found today, it’s from Nolan!”

Luke’s stunned face scanned over to the shelf. He took hesitant steps toward it, picked up the envelope and stared at it for a long time. He was completely focused on it, oblivious to anything else, so I slipped back into my wet coat. Not wanting to disturb him and really not wanting to stay on this merry-go-round with him anymore, I silently backed out of the room and escaped through the front door.

I was careful and didn’t let the door or the screen make much noise; then turned around and ran to the truck. Somehow I’d gotten the wracking sobs under control as I was sneaking out of Luke’s house, but as soon as I was out in the pouring rain, they returned full force.

I was almost at the truck when strong arms pulled me up short and slammed me back into a hard chest. I heard Luke’s growl in my ear.

“You are done running from me.” My feet were lifted several inches off the ground, and then he carried me back inside the house; slammed and locked the door.