Luke (A Redemption Romance #1) (6 page)

Dinner was a rushed affair, everyone doing their best to finish up so we could get to the viewing early. Luke and I left first. He helped me up into his Black Ford F250. It was lifted, so wearing a form fitting skirt made it impossible for me to get up there. I used to tease him that he was making up for something with that truck. I wouldn’t be saying that anymore - I’d felt the evidence against my stomach last night, as he kissed me outside my bedroom door - he certainly did not need to compensate.

We made it to the funeral home in plenty of time. There weren’t any visitors yet, so Luke guided me into the room and we sat, waiting for the pastor. Luke’s arm was confidently wrapped around my shoulders, my head lay against his chest and we both sat in quiet reflection before the closed shiny black casket that held my brother. Luke had no doubts about holding me, he knew that he was exactly what I needed.

We stayed like that for a long time; my mind wandering back over my life and memories with Nolan. I was relieved to have Luke’s strong support surrounding me. This was the beginning of a difficult twenty-four hours.

Our friends filed in first, filling the rows just behind us. Hope placed her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. None of us walked up front.

Well-wishers, and friends filed in the room. Walking past the casket; many laid their hand upon its closed lid. There were tears, condolences, and expressions of gratitude for the many things Nolan had done to help them over the years. I wished that he had been here to listen to the wonderful things people said about him. Maybe he could see just how big a part he’d played in so many people’s lives.

Aunt Mary arrived about fifteen minutes after the viewing started. She walked straight up front, ignoring the line of people and everyone around her. She laid both hands on top of the casket holding her only nephew - the son of her beloved sister - lowered her head to rest on the top and wept silently.

The sight of my aunt folded over almost covering Nolan in that way was all I could take; I turned my face into Luke and cried. Luke’s strong muscular arms wrapped me tight in his warmth, and comfort until the tears subsided. Eventually, Mary joined us in the empty seat, next to me clasped my hand and held on. I watched as she straightened her shoulders, and covered herself with an invisible shield of strength. The woman amazed me.

I forced myself to follow Aunt Mary’s lead.

The pastor greeted each of us; talking to Aunt Mary a long time since she’d attended his church for years before her move to Houston. The procession of people who stopped to speak with us seemed to never end, but after just over two hours of hugs, cheek kisses and handshakes - the last of the mourners were gone.

I glanced over at Luke and noticed at least seven shades of lipstick covering his cheek and jaw. Sitting there, in the front row, not ten feet from the body of my brother, I laughed. Aunt Mary squeezed my hand and gave it a little shake as she looked around me to see what was so funny. Her face lightened too, a small smile spread across her face.

“What is so funny, ladies?” Luke’s voice held a hint of bemusement as he looked at the two of us with a raised brow.

“Nothing, just hold still.” I took my hands from both of their grasps and opened my clutch then pulled out the handkerchief. Aunt Mary gasped at the sight of it.

“Mom taught us to embroider with hankies; she did that one and taught your mom and me to do the same stitch. I still have mine.” My aunt’s voice was soft but full of remembered happiness, the joy resonating from a simpler time. My smile was wide, I was pleased to have inadvertently brought her this happy memory today and glad to get to share in it, even just by having the handkerchief.

I turned my attention to Luke’s face and began to wipe off the multi-hued lips all over his handsome face. He pulled away, wriggling like he was a small boy trying to escape his mother.

Saturday morning dawned and as I stretched, I encountered a warm wall of muscle. The wall grunted as I came into contact with it. My elbow struck this mysterious lump and apparently, it was awake.

“Good morning beautiful.” The wall, a.k.a. Luke leaned over and kissed me gently. Thanks to the morning breath that I was sure I had, I didn’t open for him.

“What are you doing in here?” I was very curious how Luke had ended up in my bed. We’d never slept in the same bed together. All the nights he’d been here over the past week; he’d always stayed in the guest room.

“You fell asleep in my arms on the couch; when I carried you in here, I laid you down, intending to go to the guest room - I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave you; I just needed to hold you. I needed to feel you in my arms all night. To smell the sweetness of your hair. You know, I slept better than I have in a long time.”

Loving the honesty in his words, the softness in his eyes, I tilted up and kissed him again. The open and honest way that Luke shared his needs and emotions was humbling. He wasn’t putting walls up between us, he didn’t keep me at a distance. Luke laid it out there, sharing exactly what he was feeling. I needed to trust him and to get better at sharing my feelings with him.

“I’m glad.” It was simple, but apparently communicated all I was trying to say, because his arms tightened around me and he held on tight.

We laid there together for a long time, allowing the sun to rise farther into the sky. Of course, the dogs decided that it was time for them to go outside, breaking the tranquility of the moment. Their playful barks could be heard as they ran into the room and paced around the foot of the bed.

Luke chuckled and got up, he was only in boxer briefs and I could see the strong muscles of his back as he moved; his tight butt, and thick legs. He was delectable and had it been any other day, I would have enticed him back to me.

Knowing that I needed to get up too, I was glad to have had this time with him, to share the sweet quiet of the morning together before what would surely be a hellish day.

Dressed in a black Chanel skirt suit and ivory silk top, I made my way into the kitchen for some much needed coffee. I decided to leave my hair loose today, just pulled up one side, held by a silver clip. I remembered how Luke had wanted to touch my hair yesterday, so, I did this small thing, thinking of him. He needed comforting too.

Luke stood in the kitchen, his mind seemingly a million miles away as he looked out the window to the back yard where the dogs were playing. I could tell by his expression that he wasn’t watching them, but whatever he was thinking about wasn’t good. He was obviously morose. Not wanting to disturb him, I backed out of the room and went to gather my things.

The car would be here to pick us up in twenty minutes. I had a couple of things I wanted to take with me, so I gathered them and set everything on the foyer table. My shoes sat beneath it, ready for me to slip into them. Trying to stay quiet, I opted to leave the shoes off for now and just hoped I didn’t get a snag in my stockings.

Luke turned the corner, obviously trying hard to put on a brave face for me. He smiled and made his way over. He left my lipstick intact and kissed my cheek instead; lingering there with his lips barely touching my skin for a few long heart beats.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and asked “are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. You?”

His answer was a little too fast to be believed. Really, how stupid was that question anyway? I knew he wasn’t
really
okay, neither was I, but hopefully we could pull through this incredibly difficult day together.

When the car pulled up outside, we traversed the sidewalk, travel mugs of coffee in hand ready to face what awaited. Luke opened the back door for me before the driver was able to, I slipped to the opposite side of the car and Luke got in after me. He was still distant, visibly upset, but it was perfectly natural to be. I made a conscious effort not to worry about it.

We greeted fellow mourners, so many expressing their bafflement at what Nolan had done. We received kisses and hugs, handshakes and back pats from well over two-hundred people. It was all I could do to not run from the chapel screaming. It was only Luke and the presence of our friends that kept me grounded.

By the time we made it to the cemetery in the procession, we took our places and the pastor, who had given the eulogy and guided the service at the chapel, provided an opportunity for us to come forward and toss dirt onto the lowered casket. That was the single most difficult thing I’d ever done.

Looking down into that hole, knowing that Nolan, my wonderful, protective older brother was inside: not because he’d died a hero overseas, not because he’d had a freak accident, or some unknown medical condition, but because he’d made the choice to take his own life. I could only imagine the anguish and pain he must have been feeling in the days, weeks and months before. How did I not see it? How would I move on from this? How would I go on without my big brother?

Feeling a hand grip my shoulder, I expected it to see Luke, but when I swiveled around to look, it was Reed. I turned, tears streaming down my face and planted my face right in Reed’s chest. His strong arms surrounded me, rocking me back and forth. He had completely closed me inside the warmth and protection of his body, I felt like I was being shielded from the outside world.

I hoped that even if I stood there forever, no one could see me, no one would talk to me about why Nolan had made the decisions he had, and no one would ask me how I was doing. No one would tell me that everything was going to be okay. I didn’t want to be strong anymore. I didn’t want to stand with my chin up, eyes troubled but hidden behind large square frame black sunglasses. I wanted to get away, to run away, I wanted to escape this madness.

Somehow, Reed had moved us away from the crowd of people, we were nearer to the cars now and hidden behind a small cluster of old growth trees. I stayed in his arms and cried for so long, I didn’t even know if people were still here. I didn’t know where Luke was, I didn’t know how my aunt was doing. I’d taken this time and had been completely selfish. I needed the time alone or alone with Reed, to allow my feelings to come out. I really wasn’t up to being around everyone. I just wanted to sit in a dark room and drink, or wallow, or something. I didn’t want to have to put that damn brave face on anymore.

Reed leaned down once my crying had lessened and asked “what can I do Red?”

Reed’s stupid nickname for me brought just a little lightness to my heart. “Can you get me out of here? I can’t do this Reed; I can’t be around all these people right now.”

“Sure, do you want me to tell Luke?”

“Where is he?”

Reed tilted his head toward the empty chairs. We’d been gone from the group so long that most had cleared out. He sat alone, head in his hands and stared sightlessly at the ground.

“He needs me.” I told Reed and took off at a run toward Luke. As I neared him; I crouched down in front of him, kneeling in the grass and wrapped my hands around his forearms, meeting his eyes when he looked up.

“Luke, let’s go, we can just stop in at the dinner. Your mom is there, she can stay with Aunt Mary.”

Luke didn’t speak, but nodded his agreement; he stood, helped me up and instead of walking toward the town car; he wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my hair. His body shook with his silent sobs. I saw Reed off to the side, watching us, but aside from him, we were alone. I closed my eyes and absorbed the emotion. This was the most intimate moment of my life, by far.

After several long and intense minutes, Luke pulled himself together and we walked back to where the town car was waiting. We got inside just like we had before, but once Luke scooted in behind me; he closed the door and wrapped me in his arms again. I couldn’t wait until we got home, it had been a long, and terribly painful day. The thought of
home
with Luke was a wonderfully blissful idea.

Staying at the restaurant with the hoard of well-wishers for just under an hour, we politely excused ourselves, it was too much for both of us.

Back at the house, we spent the evening talking, mostly about Nolan, quietly sharing memories, laughing and crying together. To see this big, strong man reduced to tears at the loss of my brother broke my heart. We’d changed into sweats, ordered a pizza and drank beer. It was a far cry from the elegant affair I’d arranged, but this was perfect, it was just us and just what we needed.

We fell together into my bed, exhausted from an emotionally taxing day. We’d both turned our phones off, except for Luke’s work phone, of course, and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening together. We didn’t do anything more than kiss. He’d never even had his hands under my clothes, except to take them off me when he put me to bed the other night.

Luke lay on his back, I rested my head on his shoulder, arm slung across his waist. We stayed quiet and just drifted to sleep tangled up in our own thoughts.

Luke

I woke with a start to the sound of my cell. Rory was tucked tight into my side, her head nestled on my chest, her arm thrown over my stomach. Holding her this way was heaven to me. I could feel the dregs of the nightmare I’d been having still clinging to me as I tried to rouse my brain to wakefulness.

I grabbed my phone from the nightstand, it was the special ringtone I had just for call-outs. I listened to the recorded message, there was a hostage situation, and one officer had been injured. I was on the SWAT team for the Dallas PD, so call outs like this weren’t uncommon, but the notification of an injured officer worried me.

I’d been so wrapped up in Aurora, in Nolan’s funeral, in everything here, I hadn’t been back to work. I had known that I needed the time to get my head straight. There was no time like the present to get that done. I was jumping back in with both feet. There would be no easing in to work for me.

Every part of me wanted to stay in this bed with Aurora, I wanted her to soothe the adrenaline still coursing through me from my dream. I wanted to slide into her body, to feel her warmth wrapped around me. That, however, was not going to happen tonight. I’d never leave my fellow officers short, if I could help it.

She woke when I slid out of bed, told me to be careful and kissed me, but otherwise didn’t react to my leaving. I wondered if it bothered her.

I hadn’t told her any details of why I was being called in, but she knew that my job was dangerous. Was she worried? Would this be her reason to erect those walls and keep me at arm’s length like she’d done with everyone else?

I couldn’t count the number of times she’d told me that she was
all right
this week. I was coming to hate those words from her pretty lips. I knew that she wasn’t all right, how the fuck could she be? There was no way that she was all right, I sure as hell wasn’t all right after losing my best friend. Nolan had been like a brother to me for the past twenty-five years.

I gathered up my stuff, I needed to wash it all anyway and I didn’t want to leave it all scattered around her house. I knew that there was some underlying reason I took everything - even Rusty - with me, but I didn’t acknowledge it at the time.

I had to go to my house to get my uniform and figured I’d drop the dog off at the same time. My mom would come take care of him in the morning, if I needed her to.

Hours later, the situation was finally resolved, the officer was in the hospital with a gunshot wound to the thigh. The sight of him bandages around his leg reminded me so much of Nolan after he’d been injured that it sent me into a tailspin.

Over the next several days, I did my best to call Rory. When I talked to her, she was distant. I wanted to connect with her, but my head was fucked. I wanted to see her, to spend time with her, but between her schedule and mine, it was damn near impossible.

My nightmares had increased dramatically. Not only were they coming every night, but they seemed to come each time I closed my eyes. I was exhausted, fucked in the head and pissed.

By the following week, having not seen Rory once, not being able to get her to talk to me at all like she had the week we’d spent together, she stopped taking my calls. She’d text me back eventually, but it was always some stupid,
too busy
, response that just pissed me off. Every part of me wanted to march over there, ring her sweet little neck and show her how it could be between us; but her walls were up high.

I wondered if it was the reality of my job, which I wasn’t willing to change, or something else that had her holding back from me. My mind was so screwed by lack of sleep, missing her, and visiting the officer who’d been shot I couldn’t make sense of anything. I knew that I needed time away from her now, time to let her come to her own decision. I kept texting her every day, just to check in, but stopped making the effort to get her to talk to me.

Eventually, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from going over there, but for now, I had to try and hold myself together. I wanted her to come to me, to open up to me. She had to be with me because it was she wanted, not because I pushed her into something when she was vulnerable. I felt like I was dying inside without the sweet scent of her hair on my pillow at night.

What really pissed me off was when Reed called me - nosey bastard - to ask what was going on between Rory and me. He asked if I’d made my move, like he had a right to know. I wouldn’t tell him shit. I sensed some underlying concern in Reed’s voice when he mentioned her. Reed wasn’t telling me something about Aurora, but I wasn’t going to act like some pansy-ass and ask him either. If I wanted to know what was going on with her, I’d relocate my balls and go talk to her.

My mind was everywhere. I was a pussy if I didn’t go after her. I was a pussy if I chased her. I was a pussy because I was fucked in the head and because of the dreams. It was true that no one could ever be harder on yourself than you.

Two weeks after I left her bed, Reed called me in a panic. He couldn’t find Rory. Her car was in her driveway; he was there, at her house and she wasn’t coming to the door. He was freaked that she was inside, hurt or something. He told me that every time he’d talked to her since the funeral, she seemed sad, and he was worried.

I knew that she wouldn’t do what Nolan had, I knew it. I also knew that if Reed didn’t find her soon, I would go looking for her too. With Reed’s contacts, and mine, there wasn’t much he couldn’t find, we would find her, where ever she was hiding. Somehow, I just knew that she was okay, but she’d been in hiding for over a week now.