Loving My SECRET (Corrigan & Co. Book 10) (12 page)

“I’m sorry about
your retirement, but I just can’t go back. Alex can be a figurehead
while Stella and Tegan run things. Audrey, too, once she has the
baby.”

“You’re going to
let everyone down because your heart is broken? I expect better of
you, Reina.”

“And that right there
is why I’m leaving. I’m tired, Jane. Tired of being guilted into
doing things. Tired of always doing what’s expected of me. With
Matt, and also with you.”

“No one has forced
you to do anything, Reina.”

I sigh, because it’s
hard to explain, but I really, really need to. “The only thing I
ever decided for myself was joining the convent. I was too ashamed to
follow through with my choice after everything happened and the
Society had to rescue me. I went to Chicago, and it was like being in
a different world. Tall buildings and lakes, green trees and lots of
people. I was so overwhelmed and scared, but you made me feel safe. I
would’ve done anything you asked, because I was so in awe of you. I
still am, even after what happened. You have done so much good, and
you wanted me to work with you. How could I say no?

“And then there was
Matt. I saw him at the ball, and my world tilted on its axis. So much
so that the innocent girl who just weeks before was going to take
holy vows, instead gave her body to him. I had sex with Matt the
first night we met, and I was never the same. I was in Heaven when he
said he loved me, and told me he wanted to marry me one day. Then it
all changed, and he didn’t want me anymore, so I did what I had to.

“I immersed myself in
the Society. I made sure I was the best I could be, and that you
would be proud of me. I dated men who I thought would be suitable for
my future role in the Foundation, and while not one of them ever made
me stop thinking of your grandson, I pretended I was happy. Until Las
Vegas. I could no longer ignore Matt, and I was all of a sudden that
teenage girl again. I gave him my body whenever he wanted it. I have
been living a lie all these years, pretending to be what you needed
me to be, and what Matt wanted me to be.”

“I had no idea.”

“I’m not saying
this right. I know I’m not. I loved being part of the Society,
Jane. I even loved running it this last year. We make such a
difference, and I’m proud of it. It just would’ve never been my
choice if I’d felt I had other options at the time. I don’t
regret my choices for the most part, but I’m ready to take the
opportunity this situation has given me. I want to go out and
experience things just for me.”

“You regret Matt.
That’s what you mean.”

“I…I regret that I
ever fell so in love with him that his every slight and dig at me
could cut me so deep. He has had so much power over me for so many
years. He knows it, and he’s used it against me more than once.”

“He loves you. I know
he does.”

“I know that, too.
But love isn’t enough. I need respect and care, and I need to know
that
I’m
enough.
That I’m worth fighting for, and trusting with his heart. He may
love me, but he’s never trusted me or
my
love for him. I cannot live on borrowed time anymore, wondering when
he’ll toss me aside again, and feeling like he sees me as less than
worthy. I deserve to be cherished.”

“Reina, please just
take a few days to think about this. If it’s what you truly want,
I’ll do everything I can to help and support you. So will all those
women and men in the waiting room. I’m just afraid that you’re
making this decision because you’ve had little sleep and more
trauma in the last few days than anyone should have in their entire
life.”

“My mind is made up.
I’ll tell everyone once Matt wakes up.”

“You will always be
family to me, and you will always have a place in the Society.
Always. I don’t care if it takes you ten years to come back to us,
you’ll always be welcome. I am so sorry that I didn’t see what
you were going through all of these years. I knew you and Matt had a
bad history, and I know I pushed you to the Society, but I did it
because I saw in you something I have never seen in anyone else,
before or after. You may think you’ve been weak all these years,
but it’s just the opposite. You possess a strength of character,
and a heart of gold that puts us all to shame. I am honored to have
had the chance to mentor you all these years, and I am humbled by the
way you have chosen to lead this group I helped create. I hope that
you find what you need, and experience the things you feel you missed
out on, but please never doubt your worth. To me, to your friends,
and even if you don’t believe it right now, to my grandson. I love
you, Reina.”

“I love you, too,
Jane. Thank you. For everything. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful
with the things I told you. I’m
so
grateful to you. I just need to find
me
now, and decide who I want to be.”

She nods, and then we
hug, holding on to each other like our life depends on it. I’m
scared, and excited at the same time. I know this is the right choice
for me. If I don’t go out and explore the world without any life or
death obligations, I’ll always wonder what I missed. Now I just
need Matt to wake up, so I can move on.

* * *

I don’t know how long
I’ve been asleep when I hear it. “Reina,” a weak voice
whispers.

I jump up and look to
the hospital bed. Matt is smiling back at me, and I want to just run
to him, and hold him, but I don’t. I can’t. Old habits die hard,
but I can’t give in.

“You should press
your call button so the nurse knows you’re awake.”

“I don’t want the
nurse. I want my wife. And some water. Can I have water?”

“I don’t know. Call
the nurse, Matt.”

“No.”

“For God’s sake. Is
it so fucking hard to just do one thing I ask you to do? Just one
thing,” I say as I walk over to the bed and push the button myself.

“I just wanted to be
alone with you. We need to talk.”

“Oh yeah we do. But
first, you need to get checked over.”

The nurse chooses that
moment to respond to the call. “Mrs. Corrigan?”

“He’s awake.”

Within seconds, the
attending doctor and several nurses have entered the room. They tell
us that Kendrick has been paged, and they just need to check Matt’s
vitals, and response time while we wait for him. I sit back down in
my chair, and watch them work. On occasion, someone steps between us,
but otherwise, our eyes stay locked onto each other. This time I’m
not scared of him running, because I’ll be the one leaving him
behind.

“I got down here as
fast as I could,” Kendrick says, running into the room, clearly out
of breath.

“No worries, Kenny.
They’ve got me covered. I would like some water, though,” he
tells him with a scratchy voice.

He nods to a nurse and
she brings a cup to Matt’s mouth. He takes a few drinks, and then
sighs before thanking her. The poor girl looks like she might faint.
Classic.

“How are you
feeling?”

“Like I’ve been
shot about a dozen times.”

“Fourteen. I removed
fourteen bullets from your body.”

“Thanks, man. I
appreciate it.”

“You should thank
Reina. From what I understand, the paramedics considered you dead
until she pointed a gun at them.”

“My wife is one
badass babe,” he says with a smile.

I manage a weak smile
back at him as the nurses practically swoon. I get it. There have
been many times in my life when I’ve swooned over Matthew Corrigan.
Those days are over, and well, good riddance.

Once he’s checked
over, and Kendrick has determined that he’s on the road to
recovery, he asks the other medical personnel to leave. After they
file out, he turns to me. “He needs to remain calm.”

“Then I should
leave.”

“The hell you
should,” Matt bellows, sending his machines beeping.

Kendrick sighs. “This
is what I’m worried about. He almost died, Reina. I need you to
give him a few more days to recover. We’ll get him to the
Foundation wing, and then you can fight like normal. If you do that
here, they’ll call security.”

“I don’t have a few
days, Ken. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.”

“And if one person
lays a hand on her, I’m coming off this bed.”

“Why? Why me, dead
Lord? I just want to be a good doctor.”

“You’re a great
doctor. This has nothing to do with you,” I tell him.

“Please, Reina. Just
give me 48 hours.”

“Fine,” I say
grabbing my laptop and purse. “I’ll see you at the Foundation.”

“What? No. You can’t
leave,” Matt says, sitting up, and then falling right back down
again.

“He’s right, Matt.
You need to recover, and I can’t be in the room with you while
you’re awake without yelling at you. Get some rest, listen to Ken
and the other doctors and nurses, and then we’ll have it out.”

“Wait. I almost died.
Aiden and Nate, did they give you anything?”

“Yes. I’ve read
most of the emails.”

“So you know that
I’ve always loved you.”

“I know you’ve
typed pretty words onto a page, but words are meaningless without the
actions to back them up. I really need to go before I say anything
else. Can you get them to let our friends in now?”

“I’ll see to it.
Goodbye, Reina.”

“Goodbye, Ken.”

I don’t say anything
more to Matt as I walk out, because I can’t. Not without screaming
at him for being a selfish bastard. I don’t want to do that while
he’s still so fragile. Fragile? Huh. That’s not a word I would’ve
ever associated with Matt. But that’s what he is. He’s still so
weak, and he needs to rest. We both do.

“Reina, is it true?
He’s awake?” Aiden asks as I walk into the waiting room.

“Yeah. He’s awake.
Kendrick’s going to work on getting you all in to see him.”

“Where are you
going?”

“I can’t be here
right now. There’s too much I need to say to him, and they don’t
want him getting upset.”

“The emails? They’re
that bad?” Nate asks.

“Yes, but he doesn’t
understand that. I-I don’t want to go over this right now. Just let
me get some rest, and then I’ll talk to everyone.”

“You’re going back
to your apartment?”

“What? No. I can’t
sleep there.”

“Hang with me, then,”
Stella says. “Kace was going to cancel his shows and come home, but
I told him not to. My guest room is free, and I’ll give you all the
space you need. Promise.”

“Okay, thanks. Can
someone call ahead for me.”

“You have all your
clearances, Rei. I put them back as soon as we landed,” Ainsley
tells me.

“That’s not
necessary, but like I said, we’ll talk once I’m able to get some
rest.”

“You’re coming
back, right? You have to come back,” Isa says.

“Later, Isa. Please,
just let it go for now. I just want to sleep in a bed, and not worry
about being taken, or if Matt will really wake up.”

They all nod, and tell
me to call if I need anything. I give them all hugs, because no
matter what, these people right here are my best friends, and I love
them. I’m going to leave them, but that has to do with me and not
them. I hope they understand that. I’ll do everything I can to make
them understand it.

Outside the door, I see
two Middle Eastern women, a mother and a daughter. I know immediately
who they are. Matt may not have introduced us at the wedding, but I
saw them. Right now they’re begging one of our guards to let them
into the waiting room. They belong in there as much as anyone else,
so I speak up.

“Let them in, and put
them on the list. Full access.”

“Yes, Mrs. Corrigan,”
the man closest to me says.

“You’re Reina?”
the older woman asks, pretending that she doesn’t know.

“Yes, Aqeelah. You
were at my wedding, so you should know that already,” I say as I
motion them away from the men, and into the corner with me.

“Oh, he told you. I
didn’t know.”

“He didn’t tell me.
He probably never would have told me.”

“Then how—oh, the
emails.”

“You knew?”

“Yes, and I can see
why his friends gave them to you.”

“You say that like I
was given a gift. I wasn’t.”

“Love is always a
gift.”

“Yes, when it’s
given. I was never given that love. He didn’t think I was good
enough to have it.”

“That is not true,
Reina. Matt loves you more than anything. He was just ashamed, and
hurt.”

“So he hurt me. Got
it. No offense, but I couldn’t talk to my friends right now, and I
can’t talk to you, either. Matt will be happy to see you. Both of
you.”

“I am Neveah,” the
girl tells me, holding out her hand as she looks me in the eye.

“I gathered as much.
It really is nice to meet you both, but I have to be on my way. No
one inside will give you trouble. I’m sure Nate and Aiden know who
you are.”

“They do. Thank you,
Reina.”

“You’re welcome.”

I walk away from them,
and into an elevator another guard has waiting for me. He leads me
inside, and then down a service corridor once we walk out of it. The
press are out in full force, and measures have been taken to protect
all of us. Right now, I would probably say lots of things I
shouldn’t, so a back entrance is best. There will be a car there
for me, I’m told, and then I can get to Stella’s place and sleep.
I crave the sleep, but it also scares me. I know I’m going to
dream, and I know it’s going to hurt. Almost as much as it hurt to
walk away from everyone inside a few days ago. I’m leaving again,
but this time I’ll make sure to say goodbye.

Matt

Kendrick has been
keeping me pretty well sedated for the last day. He says it’s
because I need rest in order to heal, and also in order to be moved.
Being moved is my one priority right now. She won’t come back until
I’m moved, and I need Reina more than I need anything or anyone. I
know my Gram and Miles have been in, as well as the guys. I can hear
their voices while I’ve been hovering on the edge of consciousness.